I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I wish my elderly sister in law would be a bit more sensible like this. She is in her early 70s and has no children and will not move. It's ridiculous. She needs to move away from her house in a grotty part of London and find a flat in a nicer bit. She wouldn't even need to move that far and she can afford it. She'd have access to shops and decent public transport and would only need to move a couple of miles up the road.

At least my mum has a bungalow and buys in help when she needs it like mowing the lawn. She also has helpful neighbours, which SIL does not.

My mum has just died. My PILs just before. Me and DH are utterly broken from helping them. My health is in the bog as I neglected myself pretty badly in order to meet complex needs. We ought to have proper systems and help in place. But it’s left to families to simply drown. Awful. Millions are broken from this.

Sending you so much sympathy - it is absolutely exhausting. I haven't had time to read the full thread but FWIW, I reached crisis point with DM about 18 months ago and she had to move to a care home (care at home no longer possible). I wept buckets but honestly it's the best thing that could have happened. It's not perfect but so, so much better than the alternative - I put myself under a huge amount of strain trying to keep her at home and was at total breaking point

I am sorry for your losses and so sorry you have also worn yourself ragged with the caring duties too. Never in a million years did I ever think my mental and physical health would have become so broken by my elderly parents. Their 50's/60's seemed so fun and care-free and after raising children for the last 21 years I genuinely thought that would be my life too.

How stupidly naive I was to think I too could have a golden mid life like theirs?

I am so thankful for all of your kind replies but my heart goes out to all of you who are currently going through this too or have previously been worn down by the huge responsibility of elder care.

It's still such a hidden thing, so many struggling and seeking help on support groups and millions of unpaid carers for elderly parents. It's almost an invisible issue and not something seen or acknowledged outside of these bubbles, so many silently struggling with the weight of this ever growing problem. Something needs to be done about it, what exactly I don't know but with dementia rates growing year by year and older people being kept alive by 'advances' in medical science it is going to become a major issue in a few short years.

I can honestly say that my experience has left me fearful for old age.

@MybosswasMrMcGeeI feel exactly the same as you, and you’re right, we are far from alone. It’s a real worry for the future.

Not always. Golden BIL will inherit everything, but it’s us who do the dogsbodying.

@MybosswasMrMcGee it’s a growing problem and it’s only going to get worse as people will need to work for longer before accessing pensions. I don’t know what the answer is, but somethings definitely need to change.

Financially I am relatively lucky as I got voluntary redundancy a couple of years ago, so that has cushioned my inability to get a full time job when a contract ended in August. I was in no fit state to apply due to the level of carer demands and couldn’t have worked full time, so I have now been working part time for the last couple of months. If it hadn’t been for DPs needing so much support, I would have hoped to get a well paid full time role to end my career. Many people can’t afford to stop working and also lose vital pension contributions, but it seems like the system expects you to split yourself in two.

I’m having a tough week with my elderly Dad and it’s got me wondering how people managed in the past- did they handle caring for elderly relatives better then we do or is it that we’re more open nowadays about how hard it is?

From what I recall, my parents and their siblings didn’t handle caring for my grandparents particularly well and that was 30-40 years ago when more services were available. I don’t know what the answer is.

I think the issue is that a lot of the care falls to women. Women who look after children and work. Added to this the expectation that they care for relatives, it becomes unrealistic.

Perhaps I am speaking personally, but I work, have teens and elderly parents. Like others on this thread, I am exhausted ☹️

My grandfather was one of eight children. When they were grown up, they took it in turns to have their elderly mother to live with them. It would have worked out about 6 - 7 weeks each per year. That’s probably doable, compared to nuclear families today, with one or two children on average to care for aged parents.

However, I noticed when researching my family tree, that some widows/widowers ended their lives as lodgers, despite having a few surviving grown up children with families. I can’t imagine how they coped, if they needed care?

A friend told me recently, that we each need to have £2 million to ensure we get the care we need in old age. Most people are never going to achieve that level of assets in their lifetime!

My cousin died while caring for her elderly father. He was in his late 90s. She died of heart problems which I think she was ignoring the symptoms of while getting stressed out running round after him. Her daughter was also running round after him and feels guilty that she didn't notice her mum's symptoms due to focusing on her grandfather.
It's just something to be aware of that women can overlook their own needs due to the stress of caring for people

Maybe we need to be less selfless and more selfish. Our health and wellbeing matters too.

They didn’t live as long with as many health conditions for a start. So the long long years of caring for somebody frail and many medical appointments weren’t there to deal with.

More support available from the NHS. GPs used to know them individually, did house calls, more district nursing services, cottage hospitals or elderly long stay wards existed. Many elderly people stayed in those for long periods of time - this wasn’t always a good thing though! Somebody having a hip replacement know is discharged home
very quickly and somebody has to support that. Decades ago they’d have been kept in hospital much longer.

Fewer women working, or working full-time and retiring at younger ages. Previous generations of women in my family either didn’t work at all after marriage, worked very part-time or retired at 50-55. There was one woman who was denied permission to marry as the expectation was she’d care for her parents (the brothers meanwhile….).

It also used to be a lot easier to get a council-funded place in residential, rather than nursing, care. So somebody in social housing would go into residential care. This happened to some very elderly, long dead, relatives of mine. Nowadays they’d be expected to stay in their old home with four carer visits a day and a female relative making everything else happen.

I think that it's sadly quite common, a woman I know ended up sectioned following years of looking after her own mother and another sadly died within weeks of her own father passing. They are/were only in their early 60's.

My own health is not good atm and I have been on a long NHS waiting list for surgery but my mental health is so poor due to this constant stress of caring and helping and sorting other people's issues out that I am no longer mentally fit for my hysterectomy so will need to put it off which will further exacerbate my issues. It's a vicious cycle. My dad doesn't give a crap as long as he has a buffer in the form of my sister and I (sister is also unwell).

I have just read a post on one of the FB dementia support groups I follow, the poor woman is saying how exhausted she is. She has been caring for her 102 year old MIL for the last 30 years - what the hell!

My friend's grandmother was in an NHS elderly long stay ward for 16 years! I think they closed in about the 80s or 90s

Sorry about that.

What is needed in this country is more Integrated Care Retirement Communities.

I've just copied the below from Google to explain what these are:

Integrated Care Retirement Communities (IRCs) offer a blend of independent living and care services, catering to the diverse needs of older adults. These communities provide a range of amenities and activities to promote an active and fulfilling lifestyle, while also offering optional care and support as needed. Residents can choose to rent or own their homes, maintaining privacy and independence with the assurance of 24-hour on-site staff and communal facilities.

IRCs differ from traditional retirement housing and care homes by offering a wider range of facilities and 24-hour optional support. They typically contain between 60 and 250 retirement homes, with options for apartments, houses, and bungalows. The level of care provision varies, with some offering low-level domestic support and personal care, while others may provide more comprehensive care services.

But this sort of care is unlikely to come cheap. People would need to be saving for it from a young age (easier said than done, I know, in today's financial climate).

Yes, I can remember being taken to visit an elderly relative on one sometime in the early 90s. Much easier to “care for” an elderly relative if all of their needs are being met in hospital and all you have to do is visit.

I suppose we have now swung to the other extreme where anyone with capacity can stay in their own home resulting in crisis after crisis.

Another saying what you’ve voiced here is completely natural and understandable. It’s a relentless, hard, soul destroying role to have - and one we didn’t asked for TBH (and probably shouldn’t ever have taken on, but the workload creeps up and up unnoticed and then it feels to late).

People who’ve not been in this position DO NOT understand and are no help at all with their “ooh, I’d care for my DM/DF, I love them blah blah blah” Yeah right - cleaning up shit, dealing with verbal abuse, getting calls at all hours is world’s away from what people imagine “caring” is. My friends assume it’s a nice little trip to a garden centre, tea and cake, and that’s what they’d happily do, and that’s how it all started.

Boundaries are essential. If necessary get a different PAYG phone for them to call you on and only turn it on when it’s good for you. Nothing is that urgent - if it is they need to call an ambulance and not you.

And as others have said ‘let the crisis happen’.

Beautifully put - and the fact is a lot in 50s and 60s need to earn a living and are still working full time or significant part time- they cannot just be on hand as an unpaid carer 24/7

@EmotionalBlackmail I think my family might have been unusual then, the women were career-oriented and my grandmas lived into their 80’s and 90’s! It was definitely difficult in their final years, perhaps because they did live longer than expected back then.

I think so, I’m 64 and originally from a midlands mining town, I knew very few woman that worked full time at all after having a family, even when kids were teens. apart from those in professions like nursing or teaching and even then most seemed to go very part time post having a family for a lot of years, if not permanently - my mum for example only worked 12 hours a week from me being 5 till I was an adult, neither of my grandmothers worked at all outside the home after having kids , even when they were young adults and then adults, although one grandmother did do my grandads accounts as he had a business .