I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Bruford they didnt work back then so prob not pulled every ways.. my friend juggling her dad says she couldnt manage a job aswell. Its really hard. I have moan moan moan on saturday listening to her. She goes nowhere. Its beyond draining now.

Thinking about it, all of my grandparents ended up in a local cottage hospital that was 2 villages away from us. It was part care home/part nursing ward and all the local folk spend their final years in there. There was a Matron, loads of nurses on the ward and the care was outstanding.

It's now been developed into a housing complex, sadly and I can't think of any cottage hospitals that are left in the county.

@Mary46 Yes, my family was clearly the exception. Mum had a more successful career than my Dad, my auntie ran her own business (nothing to do with my uncle), etc. So dealing with elderly rellies was hard for them 40 years ago, because the men in the family didn’t step up particularly well when their parents needed support.

As I said upthread, personally I think that @MybosswasMrMcGee needs to insist that her sister does more -book herself a holiday, for example, and her sister can be the contact while she’s away. I’m an only but a close friend has had to do this with her sister- she was getting lumbered with everything and had to put her foot down as it was overwhelming.

I was in this until recently and sadly I felt. Some relief at the end mixed obviously with sadness. It just takes the guts out you doesn’t it? one foot in front of the other, plod on, it’s all you can do. Sorry x

Jane its moan moan every week god I hate going there. Nobody brings her away for this good reason.. 80s. boundaries your only thing

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Omg 102. Well they well into their 90s on my mams road. Its hard if they difficult

Yes, that’s the horrible part @Jane143. You don’t want to feel that way, but if someone’s difficult and demanding ( or so reliant on you that you can’t live your life), you can’t help but feel relief when it’s over.

I feel for you all ,I really do

20 years of being a carer for mum and step dad came to an end March the 1st when Mum died

Im 62, and they moved in when I was 42 and I have lived an old persons life ever since

I became a grandmother myself the year they moved in - step dad was already disabled and mum couldn't cope alone , we were moving so she guilt tripped me into buying a house big enough to house all of us . I could never enjoy being a grandmother, because I had to keep the noise down, so as their sleep was never disturbed ( never heard the end of it )

First time mum got ill and spent a few months in hospital, DH was working abroad, I had my own work, and step dad would play up something chronic if he felt he was being ignored, deliberately mess himself, call ambulances, meaning I too was sat in A+E all night. He only had to say he had chest pain and they took him in, even though they knew all too well he was playing up

Mum and I never had a good relationship , we clashed, DH was pushed into the roll of peace maker. Our marriage has suffered

Come the end , even though I had to put up with her bile and hatred, she was had all her marbles till the end, and that came very quick, just over 3 weeks hospital and a 48 hour sit - she didnt die alone, I was there

I did become very emotional when she died, Not at the time, I was relieved, But then I got home, called the undertaker, the notice went up, and the phone calls came thick and fast. From people who knew my mum and had loved her. I spent so many of the past 20 years resenting what I was doing, I resented her for just being, and. I forgot that she was a woman who once had a great life, had loads of stories and memories to share . Was once a fun loving woman

Having to care for an elderly parent is awful, because you lose the mother/ child relationship, you even lose the two equal adults relationship. You are the carer and your life goes on hold and then you realise you are sitting waiting for their death, so you can start to live again

And that's a hard truth to live with

What really cracked me up though , they ( consultant and Mcmillan team ) sat me down and said mum was riddled with cancer and had a heart attack the day before - a week after admission - and there was realistically no treatment other then pain free and dignity. So I asked for a hospice bed, oh no, we are discharging her home !! A woman with a driver in place, a catheter , a nappy, 4 stone heavier and a foot taller then me , hadn't been out of bed in three days at this stage - they were looking to discharge with carers twice a day!! In hospital she had two nurses and a hoist and they just landed me with a toilet seat so she could use the loo and a diet sheet !! A woman who couldn't stand unaided on both sides , I was to be expected to get her off the bed, walked across a room and hallway to a toilet !!

Im mourning the lose of 20 years of my life more then I am the loss of my mum, and that's so wrong.

@suki1964 did your DM come home in the end or did they find a hospice bed for her? It sounds like an intolerable situation and I do wonder sometimes if medical professionals should have some duty of care for the physical and mental wellbeing of carers instead of everything being focused on the patient.

My DPs finally agreed to move into a care home near us just over two weeks ago. I give thanks for it every morning when I wake up, they both have a form of dementia otherwise I doubt we ( DH and I) could have moved them. For the first time in a long time I am not secretly wishing them dead so I can have my life back and am so glad that I can have a normal relationship with them - or as normal as possible under the circumstances- and hopefully erase the recent past from my memories of them before they pass.

@rookiemere , no she never got home. SS rang on the Wednesday before she died to tell me that they were looking a nursing home for her - until she got back on her feet !!! Friday she closed her eyes and asked the nurses to call for me. She had stopped responding by time I got there- 30 min drive. Luckily the hospital had a macmillan unit and we got her moved there where we spent her last couple of days

Thankfully on there they were able to keep her pain free and she was treated with so much dignity , she had a peaceful death.

Im focussing on the care she got those last 48hrs as when I think about everyone else just working for her discharge, when it was obvious to a blind man the woman was dying, just gets me so upset. Having to stand my ground and say I was not able to care for her if she wasnt mobile enough to get to a commode made me feel like the worse of the worse

Glad that your parents have gone in to a care home, and I really hope you get the time together to rebuild the relationship. I really dont think anyone who hasn't gone through this could understand

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2026/mar/28/burden-of-extended-care-for-aged-parents-new-phenomenon?fbclid=IwZnRzaAQz18lleHRuA2FlbQExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkCjY2Mjg1NjgzNzkAAR4RtLW10oNsTm_6WLJVdobrCwck_BgqG35SDWu1UDU1w29XxMBySFmuU5XZMg_aem_WJ-kUWvuNqn20IuQzC6ptw

interesting article - the curse of modern medicine!

Very true. What benefit are those extra years of infirmity to the elderly person, and what do they cost- in so many ways? I don’t want those years thank you very much.

Good article.

I have never aspired to longevity. My DF did - he wanted to live to 100. He has just over 8 years to go, and sometimes I think he will get there - as he seems to have plateaued in a state of mute immobility and total dependence on others for everything. He can move his head a little, and his right forearm - that's all. I envy those whose elderly parents are diagnosed with aggressive cancers and die within months of diagnosis - isn't that dreadful of me? But I can't help myself.

My DF's situation is horrific, and seems never-ending. He's in a nursing home so there's that, but I feel ground down by the relentlessness of his non-life. I first saw the signs of dementia when he was 80 - 12 years ago and the inexorable decline is traumatising.

Every single day, I hope for his death.

As for me, I hope to die like my maternal grandfather who had a massive heart attack at 80 and was dead before he hit the ground. And if I don't have his great good fortune on the death front, I don't want any death-prolonging treatment. No covid or flu jags, no one coaxing me to eat or spoon-feeding me, no medication unless for pain relief or comfort.

There's worse things than dying.

Boundaries. You need boundaries. This is no way to live

When my late DM was finally admitted to a nursing home it was a huge, huge relief for me. I no longer had to worry constantly about her.
She was completely safe, warm, well fed and couldn’t wander. She was in a pleasant environment with company, good food and caring people looking after her.
Yes, I felt guilty that I could no longer cope with the constant phone calls at night wanting me to come over even after I had spent lots of time with her each day. I was burnt out if I did it all and felt horribly guilty if I didn’t.
In the care home I still visited her nearly every day but didn’t have to stay for hours on end, she had structured time there, with lots going on and didn’t need me so much. Our relationship improved as well without the obligation and caring aspects.
I did feel guilty at first but she was much better off, and indeed happier in the care home.

DH's nan died at 88 from a abdominal aortic aneurysm, she literally bend down to pull up her tights and was gone. The doctor said her death would have been almost instant.

The day before she'd had her hair done and went out for lunch.

A shock for my MIL when she found her mum a few hours later but imo, a perfect death.

Who wants to get to a very old age having very few facilities left and relying on others to give care.

We vowed to keep mum at home but reality is often so much different, we realise how naive we were when mum was first diagnosed, we read what happens but I suppose we all think somehow our own stories will pan out differently.

We are now sadly looking more towards a care home setting for mum, it's heartbreaking but we don't feel this is something we can see to the bitter end at home.

My Father had to go in to a home there was no way I was sacrificing my life, he also lived a huge distance away and refused to move near me. He had an operation that went wrong so had very limited mobility. I have told my DS I don’t want him to give up his life to care for me if I end up with complex care needs. Do not feel guilty.

My Grandmother and Uncle were like your DH Nan and just dropped dead as did DH great uncle. They had one thing in common they were all very fit when young, military, fireman and farmer. All were still doing stuff like walking to get their morning paper at 90, DH great uncle, a 2 mile round trip. My Grandmother climbed over a farm gate a week before she died at 80.

I think MIL is going to be around deteriorating for years. I have said if DH wants to care for her it’s up to him but as much as that could be a 600k inheritance eaten up with care home fees that’s my preference.

I have seen a close friend destroyed mentally from caring for her Mother. She should be dead by now but the medical profession seem hell bent on keeping the very elderly with no quality of life at all alive. It makes no sense to me. When my Father got cancer he refused all treatment, he was later eighties and totally compos mentis his legs just didn’t work. I admired him greatly for that decision.

I really agree about the over zealous efforts to keep the old and frail alive without considering quality of life. Miserable

What I would say, @MybosswasMrMcGee is that I often see people being so much happier and settled in care homes, despite resistance from them and reluctance from
family. The routine and company and so on can really help.

@PensionMention it’s not that easy to get someone into a care home, they have to agree to go. My DPs should have gone in a year ago - the personal and financial consequences to me of them not doing that has been quite significant- but unless you’re at the lack of capacity point with the person, then you can’t force them in, particularly if they are paying for it. The Scottish system pays for 4 carers a day, which effectively just delayed the inevitable.
Even worse if you don’t have funds for the care home, as they are expensive, the state will do everything to avoid paying for one, even if that means losing the tax revenue of a previously working member of society.
I am so grateful they finally agreed to go in, but also quite angry that they and the professionals let it get so bad for everyone before that was encouraged to happen ( and even then only because they are self funded).
Previously I too would have said that I wasn’t caring for them, but it’s insidious and I couldn’t leave them eating mouldy food in unsafe surroundings, and the more you do the more they expect. It has been the worst year of my life.

@MybosswasMrMcGee I also wanted to say DF was fiercely resistant to going into a care home, but he has settled in very quickly- aided by discovering afternoon wine in the cafe ! When he was admitted to hospital with confusion and low heart rate I basically wrote to the ward and said DM wanted to go into a home and therefore we were unable to keep running up and down to their home an hour away and did not believe DF was safe to live on his own. I don’t know what the consultant said to him, but he changed his previous tune and was suddenly all for being looked after and fed.

It will be hard to do, but a care home will be better. It’s so hard looking after them, although society makes us ladies think we should. It becomes impossible especially if they are wheelchair bound with dementia like my mum was. We felt so guilty but it was for the best x

I'm going to be harsh here: pull yourself together and make the surgery a priority. You could have decades of healthier life if you get treated. Think of the impact on your partner and kids if you don't! Why be a martyr about this any more?!

I'm not being a martyr, far from it, I am deeply depressed and it's extremely difficult to think straight when deeply depressed (and yes, I tried my damned hardest to treat the depression).