Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Funnily enough, I’ve never got upset that she forgot because I instantly realised that she was not right. Never in a million years would she forget to acknowledge our birthdays if she was in full health. But I can see how it would be more hurtful to forget you and your child and not goldenballs’s.
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The only birthday MIL remembered last year was SILs and there was a massive fuss about absolutely sending a huge gift. We did point out that would be a bit odd as she hadnt acknowledged BILs birthday which was the week before and he was her actual son. No idea why SIL was remembered as she has very little contact with PILs.

Hello I am new here.
I feel like this group of lovely people will save my sanity, it’s just what I needed.
💐
Thank you

Welcome @InNewYorkNoShoes. Your name reminds me of DD who forgot to pack shoes suitable for walking around NYC and the first thing we had to do was go shopping for some trainers.

@InNewYorkNoShoes welcome. These are your people. They definitely keep me sane at times. Do share your situation and hopefully we can give some support or if not that 💐 or 🍷

@InNewYorkNoShoes we may not be able to save your sanity but we will pass you gin/chocolate/cake as necessary when you need it.

My dad isn’t terminally ill but he’s having a lot of falls, illnesses and accidents and is now unable to drive. It’s hard for him to deal with his loss of freedom and I feel bad that I can’t do as much as I want as I have young children and a job.

Thank you for welcoming me here ❤️

Sensible advice , thank you .

Thank you.

Thank you to everyone that kindly replied to my message .
Today's new crisis ( I hear from the other family members ) she is refusing to take her medications or to take them all and kill herself ( we have that threat often )
Oh the joy , oh the joy of dealing with them .

@InNewYorkNoShoes it does sound like you are at the start of a path many of us have already travelled staggered along/found ourselves navigating. One thing that may sound cliched but really resonates is put your own oxygen mask on first. You are needed by your children and you need to be present there and in your job. Sadly older people tend to assume we all have all the free time in the world to drop everything. Try, hard as it is to put some boundaries in now. Help for your Dad is available. The sooner he accepts he might need to take taxis for example the better. Get him set up with a local firm and maybe encourage him to use them. Also, and this is a big one for me . you might ‘feel’ guilty but that is simply an emotion we all experience. Choose to accept you will or may feel guilty and work on trying to accept that. If you don’t you run the risk of feeling resentment and that helps no one.

If you have a decent relationship with Dad perhaps explain the more little hacks you put in place now then you will be able to still be a daughter to him as opposed to a carer. If you do too much now it just creeps in.

I will caveat my advice with the fact I learnt the hard way and did not follow much of this advice thinking I could solve all the problems. It broke me.

The reality is they didn’t want me to solve problems they wanted me back as a full time daughter/carer/sounding board much as I was growing up in their sometimes toxic relationship.

💐

Call from physio...they are getting mobility aids sent to mums flat, so I assume discharge will be imminent, even though they say she isnt medically fit.
So I'll spend all weekend cleaning and moving furniture around the flat.
I can't help feeling that this is the precipice so to speak.
No where to go from here but down.

I hope they don't expect you to be there all day to receive the delivery @Raven08

I'll get a delivery window.
Allegedly.

Been a longtime lurker 😬

How do you get good help?

I have been trying to get a gardener and three people in and no joy!

No one wants to agree to regular slot to do a small garden (even at £30 an hour!).

I had this with cleaning help and now it is the same issue with a gardener.

Any words of wisdom?

I feel like PA to my parents, each visit presents new ‘problem’

I hear you!
Currently trying to get a reliable cleaner for mum...the last 2 she tried were useless.
Meal delivery services also not very good here.
Is there anyone who could give you a personal recommendation?

@ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmy if it's fairly simple gardening - lawn mowing, a bit of weeding etc are there any local teenagers who might be interested? There are hardly any Saturday jobs and there are a couple of enterprising teens in our village who are doing a few gardens.

Raven08

I have tried three different folk.

All are keen until they see it js a small job (hour per week/2 hrs per fortnight)

They seem to want a four hour slot

Mum and Dad aren’t making any effort to source one.

Interesting you mention this I said this to my DH.

Saturday jobs are like gold dust where we live and I am thinking of approaching the local school 😉

Sadly my relationship with parents is not great and my kids don’t want to help out

Might be worth trying your local Age UK for ideas about gardeners? They sometimes know ways and means.

Why are you dealing with your parents' garden if you don't have a good relationship with them?
Leave it. You don't need the stress.

Same with getting them a cleaner. They won't be grateful and they'll probably sack whoever gets the job.

@ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmy no idea if this is thought through idea as we did manage to source a gardener. Cleaner no go as the one we got was fabulous but our mother literally dismissed her after two visits. ‘I’ve 2 daughters don’t you know’. Absolute quote.

Gardener easier as he can access back and front without encountering her. Also he is a man and is sacred rather like golden child brother.

Anyhow, back to my point. Any local agricultural colleges/colleges with Foundation courses and staff willing to chip in/churches with people who do volunteer gardening who might be up for helping?

Thanks for the suggestions, I will explore these 😊

Advice on dementia and DM behaving differently depending on who is there.

When I visit she's often OK mood-wise, quite agreeable, almost childlike. A dcotor told me recently she's been asking for a TV which is news to me.
But when DF visits she becomes very whiney and clingy, her voice changes, her entire demeanour is different. Essentially she stacks on a show for him.

Today a friend of his said her mother was the same with dementia - completely changed her behaviour depending on who was there. DM has always done this to some extent but it's worse now. DF finds it exhausting and frustrating as he gets such a difficult side of her these days. I said to visit less often, take a break. I will go tomorrow in his place. But would like to hear if this is a common thing and how to deal with it.