Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

That’s interesting. I’m not sure honestly - but yes I suspect it will be a case of carers providing support in her home rather than her getting a flat provided by the council.

I am sympathetic, I really am, and I have sacrificed huge amounts over the years to support the three of them in their weird dysfunctional choices. But ultimately they have created this mess. I am willing to check that she is getting the physical help she qualifies for and needs, but that’s going to be my limit, I’m not able or willing to do more than that.

Sounds very reasonable.

I do think that continuing to refuse, ideally just changing the subject when your parents ask, while staying in touch, is the best thing for them all. As things get harder for them, the penny might drop that you really mean it.

I agree that as your parents get less able, the most likely outcome is carers coming in for physical care at home. This is also the least disruptive option.

She is who she is. I agree that they have not done well by her, but given the lack of services out there, maybe the size of the fight required was too enormous. And maybe her personality would always have been similar? I felt as if ds came out with his personality much as it is now from day 1.

It's not really that though. It's reporting that you know that one of their patients may be in a vulnerable situation that no-one's made them aware of. You could call social services for the same reason. No they can't discuss her with you, but if there's been vague discussions where her and/or your parents as her carers, have said or implied that she is going to be safe and cared for by her sister from the moment they either become too frail to do it, or drop dead then they can do something around knowing that that isn't the case. Or if they have no-idea she is not looking after herself now and won't start on the future. They can't discuss what to do with you, but they can start making a new plan.

When I was cornered by my mother who asked me to promise that I would look after my brother after they were gone, my immediate response was that I would look out for him, but I would not look after him. To this day I don't know where that immediate response came from, but I am so relieved that I never promised to give my life away.

That’s actually a great way of putting it, thank you. I can look out for her - ie help in a genuine crisis, check up on her occasionally- but I’m never going to agree to being responsible for her.

That’s actually a great way of putting it, thank you. I can look out for her - ie help in a genuine crisis, check up on her occasionally- but I’m never going to agree to being responsible for her.

I have a neighbour - relatively physically disabled since birth. They are pretty self-involved and entitled at times, narcissistic almost. Being disabled doesn’t automatically make people kinder etc.

One tactic, is, whenever they ask you to do something e.g. over the phone asking you to book tickets and buy clothes for her, literally don’t respond. Just ask a different question, always the same question, eg. “how is the cat”? If they protest that you haven’t answered the question, just say “I’ve already told you many many times that I’m not doing that kinda stuff for my sister”. Next time they ask you to do something, say “how is the cat“? Or budgie or some other random question, but always the same question. They will get the message.

It’s interesting that an example you give, your father gets angry with you. Quite unfairly. However, are you allowed to get angry? After all, they keep asking you to do what you’ve told them you will not do. As they say, why don’t you “lose your shit” with them?! Why is it that they’re the only ones who get to be disapproving, rude or angry? Sock it to them!

If you are dealing with this every day OP I would say you are very overtly enmeshed with all your family, including your parents. (I think some enmeshments can be more covert). It is quite a difficult thing to distance yourself in this way. There are many ways to lay down boundaries. There are physical boundaries. There are also inner, psychological boundaries. Getting angry is asserting a boundary. Refusing to do something is a boundary. Ignoring is a boundary. Distancing yourself is a boundary. However, you do have to be prepared to deal with their displeasure and disapproval, and this can be upsetting as we have to be prepared to rock the boat and deal with anger and negativity from those who are meant to love us. And some of these family behaviours are very well ingrained. You might need therapy to help support you to enact them. Or, as another poster suggested, move further away. I moved 100 miles away from my family (still deal with them once a week on the phone which is enough).

I think in your interactions with them it's worth suspending your judgement of what you think she should be able to do. Disabilities are often unexpected in their impact - appointment booking cancelled be a thing some autistic people struggle with, for example, even when they would appear to have all the skills needed to achieve it successfully.

You don't know her better than she knows herself.

But in some ways whether she can't do it or could do it but doesn't want to doesn't matter - you're still not the person who is going to do it for her. So that's the place to focus - you're not able to help and they could do with finding a different person to help her with admin if they can't do it between them.

This is a rather sad thread, with some posts mentioning moving away to become unavailable to help your own family.

I help a disabled neighbour by dropping their son to school every morning and also for appointments / shopping errands and think nothing of it because their family don't help at all.

Anyone can become disabled at any time... it's not something you are just born with.

To answer your question OP, can you come to an agreement and help with certain things you don't mind doing and for others just make sure there is help available - whether it is a weekly cleaner etc.

I think this would probably be the most sensible thing to do. If the GP has initiated contact with social services in the past then there have obviously been concerns for her welfare, and this may be the best way of moving things forward.

It must be getting draining for your parents if they're aging and she's making this non stop level of demands onto them. The issue here is that before long, they will be physically and mentally unable to help her as they are. I would sit all of them down together with your other siblings at some point to address what the long term plans are for your sister - and what happens if one passes away/needs to go into a home. It may be sensible to start planting the seeds of finding her a suitable home before this all happens. The sad thing is that if they're caring for her non stop, it will reduce their own life expectancies. As a former carer, I always say that crisis avoidance is key.

But ultimately, you can't make any of them see sense either - so do what you're comfortable with, assert your boundaries and keep within them.

Oh gosh…it is a hard one and I feel for you!

Do your best at being happy and I hope your parents will make good choice before they pass away in teaching her, putting in place what she needs in the long term.

There was a time when you could throw anything to family and they will carry it but not nowadays. Surely they see they can’t force you…I surely hope they do!

@TralalaTralalee I’m so sorry if I’ve missed this but as you are one of multiple siblings, why is it all falling on you? Or do your parents cycle between you all and so the burden is shared but still onerous?

Okay you have everything you can, well done you. Maybe now might be the time to distance yourself. Have you ever wanted to work abroad? Live in another city? Now might be the time.

Do they make the same demands of your other siblings OP?

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do

The problem with this is that if OP becomes involved she will inevitably be drawn in further as her parents become less and less able to care for her sister. This is not OP’s responsibility and nor should it be. With respect, helping out by running people around and doing errands etc, although very kind and generous, is absolutely not the same thing as having the responsibility for caring for someone 24/7, which is what OP would end up doing by the sound of things.

OP’s parents have done her sister absolutely no favours whatsoever by wrapping her in cotton wool, and by what she says, there have already been concerns for her welfare and social services involvement initiated by the GP. I think the sooner professional care services are involved the better, for everyone concerned.

I guess the stock phrase needs to be, “Why can’t she do that for herself, Dad? Why can’t she book concert tickets online herself?”

Give him time to think of an answer. Then, “she needs to start doing these things for herself.” Every time.

I suppose if the worst were to happen, she will just have to learn the hard way that she has to maintain her life (as in pay the bills etc and arrange for carers). If she’s inheriting the entire estate and that has cash with it then she won’t be eligible for benefits. But if she isn’t, or later down the line once that’s gone, then she’ll need to apply for them like everybody else. It would be better if your parents woke up and realised that if they set up the carers now then that won’t be a massive transition for her.

But ultimately you can’t force them and all you can do is maintain your boundaries. I certainly wouldn’t be without answering any calls during work time.

Do not even entertain doing it. I care for my husband and it’s hard, but I love him and have had many years with him before he became disabled. There is a really useful social media support group for carers which
it’s of help and resources on it. I’d be inclined to go on there and start asking some questions of what if anything you should do, or as I suspect will happen it has to fall apart as your parents get older or die and then social services will put in place whatever is necessary to support your sister. They cannot force you to do anything. Mobilise is the app it’s very helpfull and you can get advice anonymously.

The best thing you can do for her and your future is have nothing to do with her now. Take the next opportunity you get to cut her off and hopefully your parents will become desperate and get help in place now. Once they have or they are gone you can check in on her then. I honestly think it is the only chance you have of getting them to plan ahead.

Some useful information here OP www.sibs.org.uk/support-for-adult-siblings

I can look out for her - ie help in a genuine crisis, check up on her occasionally- but I’m never going to agree to being responsible for her

That's entirely reasonable, @TralalaTralalee, but as you've seen your parents aren't going to change, so since you've made things clear and they're taking no notice I'd stick with "we've discussed this haven't we?" rather than attempt to justify yourself

If you really want to you could offer to support them - which does not mean doing it yourself - if they're ever prepared to arrange something which could actually help your sister, but beyond that I really wouldn't engage with this

Would she get assisted living though? Doesn't sound like she would from the OP. Round here it's a huge fight to get it even with significant disabilities which are clearly unable to live on their own.

I also wonder why you are being asked to do this life admin like booking tickets or shopping online when one of your other siblings could easily do that from a distance? If it needed doing at all of course, which it doesn't as your sister can do it herself, she just doesn't want to.