Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

Rest home ..not restaurant...don't know why it keeps changing it to that

@Honeybunny75 sorry you’ve experienced that. I don’t mind having POAs for my parents - I’m angry about this situation but overall they’ve been good to me and I had a good childhood. There’s no way I would agree to do it for my sister honestly.

i can’t remember who asked about this but yes any inheritance will go into a trust for her benefit, myself and the other siblings will administer it.

no idea if she would get a place in assisted living or what availability would be like here tbh - I believe she could live independently with some support, so the question will be what that looks like.

She will loose any benefits if she has a trust fund or inheritance..and when the money runs out is she capable of applying for them again.
Your parents would be better putting the house in all the siblings names ,so that it passed down to great grandchildren when your sister dies
Otherwise it will be sold to pay for her care .
It would be better for your parents to not leave her the money.but to leave it to a trusted sibling,who buys her what she needs .
Council flats are difficult to get
So the best thing your parents can do ,is get her set up in her own home ..that all of the siblings jointly own that can't be sold untill the sister dies .
That's is what we are thinking of doing

they had advice from a lawyer when it was all set up, we were assured that it’s the best possible set up. They were not willing to leave it to a “trusted sibling” which we were all somewhat offended by tbh but obviously their money so their call.

But then someone must make sure she knows to stop claiming benefits.as your limited to being able to claim with savings.
Will she actually understand how to pay her bills and how to budget the money

OP, I really would consider moving, even if it is an upheaval.

And I would also consider low contact with your parents.

I think it's the only way left to distance yourself and not face years of further stress.

It also puts you on a more equal footing with your other two siblings.

I wonder if your parents would hear a "worst case scenario"? They don't listen when you say "I'm not going to do x, y, z so she ought to learn how to" but they might hear "She needs to learn how to shop and cook, reheat ready meals, use Deliveroo or else she will starve". I'm being a bit glib but they need to imagine a future without you in it.

She is not on benefits now. Our parents have chosen to financially support her.

She is not intellectually disabled - she has a degree. She does not know how to do anything like pay bills because she has not learnt, but there is no reason she cannot learn.

She is disabled. She does have medical issues. But she would be perfectly capable of living independently with some practical support.

this is sounding worse and worse, poor you, OP.

Honestly? parents are choosing not to hear you, they will never listen because then they'll actually have to do something else.

I know people keep saying it and you're saying it's too much, but please reconsider moving a long way away.

OP, the way you describe your sister makes it sound as if she could manage things much better if she understood the approaching need to be more independent. How about talking to her directly rather than to your parents? Tell her what if anything you will be willing to do for her when your parents are gone, and ask what are her plans for living, eg where and on what money. If she asks you to do something, say no, but you'll help her google how to get it done.

@Puzzledtoday - I have tried - but then we’re just having the same conversations on repeat, if anything I think she is enjoying frustrating me or making me pay attention to her while I have these conversations, she’s not actually taking them as an opportunity to fix or improve anything.

Yes I’m honestly not sure how else we move on from this. I think either I develop rock solid boundaries and get ready to repeat myself 20 times a day, or I make myself completely unavailable to them.

She will inherit their whole estate

Seems a bit harsh on you!

Hah yes, it was explained to me and the other siblings that we are established in life and don’t need the money (which is true, we have all been pretty successful) whereas she will need long term support. I don’t really object to this tbh, any inheritance they will leave would not be a life changing amount for me.

How often do you see them?

How often do you speak with them?

Vulnerable persons trusts are exempt from a DLA or universal credit claw back.

One of the few concessions to families with kids with disabilities.

Oh dear.
In that case you could tell your sister that you understand she'd prefer to leave it until the time comes, but you hope she has taken on board that you won't be carrying on the role your parents have been taking, so living independently might come as a challenge if she doesn't practice now.
With your parents, have you tried the broken record technique? 'No, Mum, Elsie can do that for herself. You don't need to do it for her and neither do I.' Repeat as necessary.

That’s noble of you.

For my disabled darling son we have done 3/5 and 2/5 for his non disabled sister. She also does not want to be a carer as such.

This is an interesting thread. I am your parent de facto and my son has a lot of social care support but I too hope that my daughter will have an overview.

Social services do not like to administer benefits or do the applications for pip/ universal credit or help with the admin of trusts - it’s not just the day to day caring role ( that can be farmed out ) but will you keep an eye on your sister or make sure she has an annual check up or goes to the dentist etc? Social services will do the minimum. Who will ensure she has a holiday or new clothes etc.

in other words are you all planning to walk away entirely from your disabled sister - just curious.

@Noras - she is not intellectually disabled. She has a degree. There is no reason that she cannot order her own clothes or arrange her own dental care. She would like me to do these things for her and will claim that she cannot manage them, but I simply do not believe this and will never agree to do them for her.

That's incorrect. I've also had to make provision for a disabled child, and took specialist legal advice - a properly set up trust does not impact benefits any more than my paying my child's utility bills does now - but it can ensure the person with disabilities has a roof over their head and can pay the utilities once I'm gone.

Obviously if we were talking millions then it could fund a full care package - but for most of us it's a case of leaving enough to ensure siblings don't have to fork out for things like a leaking roof or dead boiler. My DCs siblings will be the trustees.

I know a little how you feel. I went to visit my DDad in hosp 2yr ago, his bed was empty when i drew back the curtain. I stepped back looked down along beds & loo door opened, there he was on the floor; so he bellows down the ward, “there you are, come pick me up”. I said no I won’t, I’ll get some1 to help, so he shouted even louder ordering me to pick him up. I embarrassed but shouted back, “I’m not trained how to do that”
…I think this is the point. Social services staff are much better trained & experienced, than family members. I was likely to have hurt myself helping him, i have osteoporosis, he although elderly is tall/large & doesn’t do as he’s asked; the nurse had told him to use the commode or ring them to help him to the loo!
TralalaTralalee, your family aren’t considering you or your needs, I hope you, can 🙂.

@Catwalking thank you and, yes exactly - I am constantly having to assert and explain my own boundaries over and over, there is only consideration of her needs/wishes and none about my needs.

Seriously
I did not know this
But you can't still claim with money from inheritance ,can you

Yes you can if it is in an excepted trust but to have a trust like that you need higher needs.

Yes

we have set up a vulnerable persons trust because my DS will have a lifetime of being on benefits which is bleak.

it also protects people who have large civil claims so that they can still claim.

Anyone who intends to leave money can set it up of their kid is higher needs ( on pip or middle level DLA) but it’s worth getting the wording right in the will and we paid a few thousand for that: