Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

Different situation but when my dm was elderly the constant calls about 'my television has broken' / 'there's something wrong with my alarm' / 'I need a plumber' / 'my bank card isn't working' / 'can you buy some chocolates and wrap them as a thank you present for my neighbour' etc etc drove me crazy. As a family we agreed (using dm's money) to employ a PA. Advertised locally and found a fantastic person who went for 5 hours per week. Sometimes an hour each day to help deal with mail, organise meal deliveries, arrange appointments (and drive her there) etc, other times they'd go for 3 hours to deal with a big problem and less onthe other days. We presented it to her as 'respecting her privacy' - not seeing the details of her finances, not seeing her medical information etc.

It was a life saver for our sanity, and meant that we could visit dm and spend actual valuable time with her chatting about Dad, and her life, and spotting other potential health problems or social risks.

Most requests from dm, we could just reply, oh yes, that's something Irene will do on Monday. Of course dm was much nicer to Irene, and much less demanding than she was with us.

It had to be someone trusted to avoid any risk of abuse or coersion. But it was worth so much more than getting a cleaner or carer. And Irene was a saint, putting up with moods and tantrums and listening over and over to dm's stories (mostly about how none of her children really cared about her).

Maybe something like this would help your parents, and your sister, and make the transition easier when your parents become unable to provide the same level of support.

If there is no intellectual disabilities then absolutely no way do you need to get involved. And arranging stuff like tickets , why doesn't the friend going do it ? You say she wants a PA , let her pay for one or see if she is entitled to any assistance within the Service . If she is on Disability or PIP she may be covered. Approach it as these prople would be actually working FOR her. I can see how you might not like her as her personality has nothing to do with her disability. Every one of the tasks can be done online or by phone . By refusing to do it you are not endangering her or leaving her to starve so continue .

I was just about to post similarly. While I don’t think OP should be expected to take on the responsbility of caring for her sister full time in the absence of her parents, I think the notion of blocking all contact is unnecessarily cruel and serves no purpose.

In that situation I would be making it clear to parents that they are doing sister no favours by mollycoddling her. She clearly has intellectual and cognitive ability if she has a degree, so I think this is very much a case of learned helplessness, and that’s entirely down to the parents. The very fact that they are now finding it difficult to cope should be ringing alarm bells that they need to put things in place for her care and try to make sure that she’s as independent as possible.

If all 3 of them have capacity, there is very little you can do OP. They can make their own decisions and absolutely have the right to live their lives their way (however ridiculous their choices). However you do not have to be involved in any way and I think you just need to stand your ground on that.

I'm in the same situation too. Happy to PM.

Might it be a way forward to call some kind of family crisis meeting to discuss? Present a list of everything parents do for sister/everything and go through saying who does this currently and who is going to take it on if they no longer have capacity? All siblings present. Make it clear what you will and won’t do. It will be upsetting but maybe will rip the plaster off?

The more I read of your posts OP the more I feel for you. It sounds like you have already dug yourself a good way out of a very hard situation and reached a point where you are firm on your boundaries.

I'm wondering if perhaps now you need to take a much bigger step back and virtually cut contact for a few years, making it clear you are doing so for their own good, because it's the only way you can force them to face reality and make a more independent plan for your sister for her future. You will still be there for emergencies - they can text you - but stop taking the phone calls etc. In their 70s they presumably still have capacity to address this: wait another decade and they won't.

It's not going to work if you carry on explaining yourself 100 times because when you do this you are still paying them attention, and it's probably the attention they crave as much as the physical help. So cut it off.

PIP wouldn’t entitle her to a PA, it’s separate funding and assessed according to need. It does sound as thought there’s significant physical disability though so worth a try.

Just tell them no for your sibling as she can get help elsewhere, stay firm.

It's not going to work if you carry on explaining yourself 100 times because when you do this you are still paying them attention, and it's probably the attention they crave as much as the physical help. So cut it off

Exactly, @LivingTheDreamish; worse still it's inviting them to produce reasons they "can't" do something, when the bottom line is that they don't want to

Hence my suggestion to blank it with "we've disvussed this haven't we"

Agree this is a really good response, with a clear boundary and a promise she will not be completely abandoned.

So sorry you are being put in this position and your opinions continually ignored.

I have a SIL with diagnosed MH problems, who can work but is extremely difficult and intolerant of others. PIL shielded her so she never left home and is now pushing 50. She never got professional help and her behavior/beliefs have become more extreme to the point she probably could not live with others now and will struggle to function alone. It is a complete disaster as PIL reach the end. A decade or so ago I thought PIL were really kind and tolerant. Now it just seems like a selfish mess where everyone suffers. SIL is really intolerant around children (not just mine). She is extremely manipulative, cruel and seems to enjoy meddling in her sibling‘s marriages.

We will always provide a safety net but it will be at arms length. DH is somewhat caught, but if he goes along with her moving in, he will be divorced and the house on the market as I will protect DC‘s childhood and my sanity.

OP I don’t think there will be any problem with sourcing social services care - it sounds as though there is significant physical disability, which counts just as much as cognitive or mental health issues. It’s based on overall need, not specific disability. The problem is that as your parents get less and less able to care for her, social services will want to know if there is family available to step in.

You must make it very clear that you are in no position to provide that care and have no intention of doing so. If her GP has referred to social services previously there were clearly some concerns. You said you have POA for your parents but not your sister, so approach the GP from the point of view of being concerned that your parents are struggling with care and voice your concerns for the future. You could ask for a referral to social services to properly assess the overall situation.

She could actually use disability benefit to employ a PA/companion for maybe two hours a week. That might be quite a good use of her money!

This is definitely a service that exists and helping her to hire one might be a good use of your parent's time as then she could hand over the other tasks to the PA each week rather than to them.....

My sibling has severe MH issues and worsening physical issues that will probably lead her to be wheelchair bound within 5 years max unless things change which they probably won’t as she doesn’t take any of the advice given to reduce them. She does currently live independently, although I do have to do a lot of stuff like her online banking. My parents have set up her inheritance to come as a trust. There is specific wording in the will about it meeting the legal definition of a disabled person.

Luckily my parents have no expectation that she would move in with me when she becomes unable to live independently. Indeed they also actively discouraged her from moving nearer them as it’s rural and they knew that it would lead to a level of dependence on them that would then cause problems down the road when they could no longer do this.

speaking as a retired NHS clinician, this is not unususal and sadly there is rarely "meeting in the middle" Also sadly, unless you are prepared to go no contact, I have never seen or found any other solution apart from the broken record. Make sure that the broken record includes your sibling. Think really seriously about whether you want to consider continuing to hold POA and/or executorship.

My mum had plans for my now deceased sister to live in a type of support /sheltered accommodation. Also your parents might be entitled to respite care. You could help parents. By finding out what options are available from your council. Good luck

She could well be set up in her own flat, with a carer visiting for personal care AND a PA for admin, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

This is exactly the set up my friend has - having moved from a self contained annexe at the family home, they now have a council property, and several hours of PA (doesn't need a carer for personal care) each day.

This has taken some time to get set up and sorted, and the PA's were people she interviewed herself, she sorts their hours (she has a set number of hours 'awarded', up to her who does them and when, each week), sorts their pay...

It sounds like she really doesn't want that, because life is much cushier if Mum and Dad pay for everything, are responsible for everything and she can just play around and do fuck all.

I'd struggle to not shout at her, I shout at my own sister fairly often when she's being idle and incompetant trying to get me to do something because 'its easier for you' (order something on Amazon, look something up on the internet etc) when that just isn't true!

She's in for a really nasty shock when your parents either need care or actually die. Whilst I don't think the house can be sold from under her if they both needed to go into care (just as a wife couldn't be evicted to pay for the husbands care, but more so, as she is a dependent due to disability) - in fact I wonder if this is one reason they're reluctant to boot her out - it is still going to be a huge shock when she really does have to stand on her own feet, metaphorically speaking.

Leaving money in trust will not impact benefits. I have a son who will need support his whole life, we trust ok advice from solicitors who set up our wills to put his inheritance into trust for this very reason.

There is separate funding available for this. Using PIP to fund a PA even for a couple of hours a week would put quite a dent in the money left to pay for other needs and it does sound as though she has significant physical disability.

I’m not even sure a PA is appropriate here because it doesn’t sound as though she’s incapable of doing her own life admin - she has a degree so there are no intellectual or cognitive issues. I think it may be better to make her more independent with the things she can do herself and look more at the care aspect. It doesn’t sound as though she’s physically capable of living independently so care is going to become an issue at some point and it’s better addressed now if parents are starting to struggle.

Unfortunately, if you give an inch they will take it as an invitation to push for more. You need to keep reinforcing your boundaries and ignore any emotional blackmail that gets thrown your way - it’s just noise.

If they choose to do nothing, it’s still not your responsibility to step in. You don’t ‘need’ to do anything regarding organizing care for her, it isn’t something that you have to accept falling onto you.

Moving isn’t a terrible idea tbh.

Can’t even lie, this is exactly why I’ve stayed abroad despite missing my home country so much. 10/10 would recommend to anyone that needs to put physical distance between themselves and controlling relatives.

@TralalaTralalee not quite as yours situation as she doesn’t need that much support, but I have a friend with a number of health issues from birth and due to that she’s been 100% coddled her whole life and uses it in her favour.

She’s lovely but I can’t help but feel for her sister, who’s always been second place to the younger sibling. My friend told me her parents put their house in her name and I often wonder if the sister knows.

It is very possible to have a degree (because 'adulting' is quite supported whilst at uni, especially with very helpful parents) but not to have enough executive function to live fully independently though.

She could also have had an organisational capacity at 18 that she no longer has (whether through lack of use or changing physical needs affecting fatigue, etc).

I have been a nurse for 36 years and recently my mum past away.
I used to specialise in EOL care.
My belief was that I was expected to care for my mum.
I did try to, but found it impossible, luckily my family were supported of my needs and thoughts, although I obviously felt guilty.

The issue your sister could be considered a possible (or not) safe guarding issue!!!!!
As in real terms they are restricting her independence??
Do not depend on the GP to refer you to a social worker. Ring or go to your sisters practice and ask for the name of the S/W They is usually a name S/W attached to GP.
Speak to the S/W first to air your concerns and what options are available, am sure she would enjoy some kind of respite/interaction.

Good Luck

I think you'll have to insist that they get the carers in that they are entitled to now that they are finding it too much. And keep saying you won't be doing it. They need to think about when they die and your sister will be left to manage with carers so it's best to let your sister get used to that now.

I’m in a similar situation, but I have a better relationship with my sister than you do. I agree about making her more independent but it’s easier said than done. In my experience if social work know there are family there to support they will do very little to help.