Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

Your parents have not done her any favours by enabling her to be so dependent. She could
have had a different more fulfilled life if she had been given some encouragement.

Why dont your parents find her a supportive living place while they are still around? Is it because they are financially supporting her they would be expected to pay? They could set her up with benefits and get her in a supportive living flat. They are doing her no favours.

If she's not intellectually disabled, doesn't she get bored of living at home being cared for by aging parents?! Surely she must have friends or some sort of social life?

It's just hard to imagine what kind of disability requires lifetime full-time care yet the person has a degree and still no desire to at least do a few things independently? Is she in a wheelchair or has a serious impairment like blindness?

Don't start contacting SS or GPs about this, if you do you are making it your problem.Your sibling needs to start being independent, and your parents need to be helping with that, not trying to persuade you to take over.

You can always hope it will just sort itself out given time. When my DF got diagnosed wiith dementia, my middle aged mildly dsabled brother, who previously couldn't even make a cup of tea himself, poor boy, suddenly realized he could live independently after all, and immediately left DM to it. He moved to the other end of the country, got a job, rented a house, cooked his own meals, paid the bills etc no problem!

It came a big surprise to DM, but not to me..🙄

She has a social life, she has hobbies, she just relies on our parents to fund it, drive her to places etc. I do not believe she does need full time care - in fact I believe she would be able to work and financially support herself,

She does have a significant physical disability, which comes with a lot of medical appointments. She also apparently has anxiety which she feels makes it impossible for her to do various things, but notably she has refused medication and therapy for this anxiety and it only seems to apply to things she does not want to do. My reading of it is that she has learned a great deal of helplessness, and also enjoys other people looking after her/paying attention to her.

To be clear - if I’m over at their house and she needs help with going to the toilet or something then I do help her, I’m not going to leave her to wet herself. But I’m not willing to be her physical carer long term, and I’m definitely not going to run her life and do everything that our parents do for her, and it feels like this is an absolutely constant, almost daily, battle at the moment.

The trigger for starting this thread today was a call from my dad asking me to work out how she can get to a concert, and book her accessible tickets for her and a friend, and buy a new outfit for the night out, and why on earth would I need to do any of that for a woman in her 30s who has a degree and spends half her day online? She can do all of that, there’s no reason I would need to be involved. So I say no, she can do all of that, and he sighs, sounds angry and disappointed then says don’t worry he’ll do it. But I know that tomorrow or the next day they’ll be some other request and then another row, and it’s exhausting!

It’s really helpful just writing this all out, thank you all.

Lord that sounds so tricky. They all seem to think you’ll give in and it must be exhausting constantly repelling those demands.
Are your parents in good health? Are they 60’s or 80’s for example?

I think you just need to get more and more blunt and answer the phone less and less. Don’t enter into these conversations about what she should do or plan, just a simple reply like ‘I’ve already told you I won’t be doing any care or day to day organisation.’ If they ask for you to help with a similar situation to the concert just laugh and say no way, she can do that herself. Get some stock answers so it becomes automatic. Sad as it is (because they are your parents) you may have to distance yourself if it becomes unbearable.

They’re in their 70s - some things are definitely getting harder for them, and I do want to help them, but so many of the things they’re trying to do are actually for her and I have no desire or willingness to help her do things that she could do for herself.

Yes I think you’re right - i feel like I’ve been repeating myself for ten years now so I was hoping for some kind of magical mumsnet solution, but I guess just constantly trotting out the same responses is the only thing I can do.

It sounds exhausting. I don't think there is anything you can do at all. It's like an extreme version of what happens for so many of us when we're waiting for a crisis to happen for our old people.

A crisis needs to happen for your parents and then you can force the next thing. Which will be your sister learning she needs to get herself organised without you.

You can talk to them till you're worn out, tell them in a million different ways that you won't run your sister's life for her when they're not capable, and they still won't listen because they don't want to.

It's shit.

As for now, I guess you can only keep repeating that you're not helping and keep interactions to a minimum.

It’s a shame because if she was living with others her age it would pull her along to a more normal life, I don’t think she would want to appear so needy. But at home with her DPs no one sees.

Yes I think that’s very true - she has friends, obv they know she has physical needs but I can’t imagine they know or would approve of her being so dependant.

Hi OP - when I replied very early in the thread, wanging on about carers and social services, it was because I assumed there was likely a moderate/fairly severe intellectual disability. The reason I assumed that is because it’s how the situation sounded, from the level of “support” your parents have been providing.

Having read all of your updates, I’ve completely changed my mind and my advice! This all sounds like a massive piss-take! If your sister can FaceTime you and has the cognitive ability to complete a degree, she can damn well order her own clothes online and use a phone or email to arrange her own medical appointments. Frankly, it’s bloody ridiculous and you’d be a fool to indulge any of this nonsense for a moment longer. You have a job and family of your own. Your sister sounds like she wants a free personal assistant at her beck and call - sod that!

If you can’t put many, many miles of physical space between yourself and this circus your parents have enabled, perhaps try to establish some serious emotional and mental space, to protect yourself. I can’t see this being pretty or ending well, so put yourself and your own children first.

It sounds like they want to force your hand, not give you any option but to step in. Awful behaviour.

@NotTheMrMenAgain thank you, yes I was trying to keep things a bit vague to not be too outing but I can see why so many people assumed there was a learning disability of some kind. The situation is much weirder than that!

And yes definitely - she wants a PA, she wants me to be at her beck and call. She wants to live with me and have my husband and children also helping to look after her. Her ideal life would be as a countess somewhere with a whole team of servants to flock around her and ensure she never has to do anything for herself. It’s insane to me. And maybe it’s a weird reaction to being disabled from childhood (like a kind of attitude that if you have to be looked after, you’re going to really enjoy being looked after?). I don’t know. I just really don’t like her, and am really tired/bored/frustrated with constantly saying no to our parents.

I will be in a similar situation with my son, however I am only 50, my older child (Student) is happy to have some financial responsibility for their sibling & to manage the VPT that will be set up - however I have made it clear that I do not expect them to be responsible for their siblings day to day care needs.
My younger adult child lives with me & we have just started with a small support package at the moment - I hate it as it isn't even enough hours to cover their most basic requirements, so it just adds to my daily things to do/organise as well as work full time.
They will be in a flat if they can cope with that with support around them, they are mute & can't tolerate noise so I'm not sure supported housing will work - but we will see how things pan out as hopefully I have some time.
Interestingly I was advised that as my youngest will in all likelihood have a VPT to fund them while I am still alive (direct from paternal grandparents) that i need to consider whether they should inherit at all

I have asked her what her plan is and what she wants - she responds with totally impractical pie in the sky ideas, or with upset and refusal to engage.
I have no power to make any of them behave sensibly!

You are coming at it practically and from an outside pov, but they are living it and trying to not face what could be a horrifying prospect for them. You all need to meet in the middle.

I’m not sure what “meeting in the middle” would look like, and increasingly I’m thinking that actually I don’t need to do anything.

We (my sensible siblings and I) have been conditioned/trained to look after her.

But she has a degree. She has no intellectual disability or additional learning needs or anything. She has chosen - again and again - to ignore my boundaries and warnings about the future because she assumes I’ll give in, even though I’ve told her that I won’t.

Maybe I just need to get comfortable saying no over and over again and not care about the reactions.

OP, I agree that it is weird and perhaps it’s also a control thing, where she enjoys being able to manipulate people to dance to her tune. Perhaps your parents have gotten some sort of satisfaction out of “babying” her. Whatever, it’s not a situation of your making or your problem to solve.

Your parents aren’t listening to what you are saying or hearing your opinions, or giving any thought or concern to how these demands affect you or your life. I suspect that they will continue to try to browbeat and guilt trip you into compliance. Your sister certainly sounds entitled, if she’s positioning herself to move into your home, uninvited, and be waited upon by all members of your family! Mind boggling, really.

If this continues then the stress will possibly begin to take a toll on your physical and mental health (ask me how I know…..). Don’t get to the point of complete breakdown before you realise you have to walk away to save your own sanity.

The role of executor not to be taken lightly; it carries huge responsibility and you would be personally responsible for financial loss should anything go wrong. Appointing someone as an executor when they're not also a beneficiary is wrong, IMO.

Your parents might have appointed you with best of intentions without considering the legal implications for you - and maybe also with a view to saving their estate(s) being depleted by legal fees.

If your sister is intellectually capable, perhaps you could suggest to your parents they make her an executor in place of you - and if they refuse you have the option of handing the work to a solicitor who will, of course, take his fees from the estate.

It's your choice, of course, and I appreciate feelings come into the equation.

Honestly, I think you need to stop engaging with your sister entirely. Block your sister from all forms of communication, phone, social media, the works so she simply cannot harangue you for help.

For your parents, divert all parental calls to voicemail & only check these and texts from them once day max, maybe even less. If they email, create a folder for them only and an Outlook filter to sweep emails to that where you can choose when your read them. Only respond to messages that are about your parents needing help, not your sister. If messages are not urgent, leave them and reply in your own time. Tell them this is what you will be doing and stick to it.

Also as regards moving. I appreciate your other siblings don't get it so bad but even if you did put physical distance between you and them, with all the costs and impact of uprooting your family life, the relentless barrage may not stop. Whereas cutting off constant instant access woule be more effective and give you a break.

I'm curious, have you ever got properly angry with your parents and made it very clear this 'conversation' is over. Literally raised your voice, used some firm language, hung up phone on them? Because sometimes people who are used ot getting their own way really won't give up until you throw a strop.

It's worth remembering your parents haven't created this situation with your sister just because of her needs. They get something from her dependency as well. It's unhealthy and dysfunctional but they are getting some sort of warped emotional need met through her reliance on them. You don't have to feed into that. They have chosen this path and stuck to it, despite your warnings and efforts. Have a read of the "Let Them" theory by Mel Robbins. It may help you see wood for tress a bit.

I am not fully clear about her disability but is she physically able to get herself around? It sounds like as others have said your parents haven’t prepared her for independence and by not claiming benefits if she is not working she may be missing out / have missed out on support that is available.

You need to tell your parents they are doing her a disservice by not believing that she is capable of things such as booking her own tickets. Put it to them they are not helping her by not making her do all the things she is actually capable of. It sounds like they have created a bit of a monster (the situation not your sister) that they can not see objectively as they are living it daily.

Totally disagree with everything in this post. It is so hard hearted and cold. The op herself says her parents gave her a good childhood, so why would she treat them like this?
And as for assuming that they are getting anything out of this, I am so pleased that you don't know the sheer abject terror of knowing that one day you will have to leave a vulnerable child that you love totally unprotected and at the mercy of a world that does not care, as has been demonstrated by this thread.
The op should only give what she is willing to give to support her sister, as should her other siblings, but I hope that no one would willingly see a family member suffer and do nothing to help.

I think making yourself unavailable is the answer. At the moment they don't believe you won't be helping your sister.

It's not like your have any inheritance to lose if you don't comply, given it's all going to your sister.

She was able to study and obtain a degree, so I can't be see why she is not able to do life admin.

I don’t think social services will give much to the ds if there is no intellectual disability there. They may give her someone to get her dressed for a brief period of time but I don’t think she would qualify for assisted living.

@Blueblell she has difficulty getting around - she does need support with using the toilet, getting dressed, washing, making food etc.

My issue is that I’m not able or willing to provide all the help that she needs, and she and my parents constantly push for help that I don’t believe she needs.