what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

Unfortunately hope is not enough. My DPs said for years they didn’t want to be a burden when they needed care and what do you know, the minute they did need more hands on support I have been expected to provide it in spades, with suggestions of additional paid for care being refused.

We have a DS rather than a DD so maybe he won’t feel as obligated when the time comes, but I want to put it in writing that he makes the decision about what care is needed, particularly if one of us isn’t fully compus mentis any more, but enough to pass a doctors test.

I’ll do some decluttering, but I don’t want a minimalist home, I never have. Dds have already been very firmly told to get a house clearance firm in when the time comes - having taken anything they might want, or which is valuable - I have made a list of such items.

Having cleared houses myself, I know all too well how hard, tiring, and emotionally stressful - it so often is.

Stairs are IMO important - I saw what happened to my DPs, still only in their 60s, after 3 years in a bungalow. But their relative fitness did return once they moved back to a 2-storey,

Our house is not too big or unmanageable, and the garden is small, but if and when I’m left on my own I will certainly downsize to a flat - preferably on the 1st floor, with stairs.

We have had wills and Ps of A in place for some years now, and have added paragraphs to state in which circs we do NOT want any ‘striving to keep alive’. Dds have also been told that if and when -God forbid - it’s needed, to have absolutely no qualms about putting either of us in a care home. Dh and I have seen far too much of dementia to wish any such burden of care on dds.

Am curious about bungalow legs. I can't see how this is a real thing if you aim to stay active anyway? Both sets of GP lived in bungalows for over 50 years and never developed mobility issues, outside of the normal ageing process.

We signed POA for my parents a few years ago. They were both clear they do not want their lives to be preserved if they lose mental capacity, I'll certainly look at doing the same in coming years. Sadly my mum, with various health problems, isn't likely to live long enough for that to become an issue, it's my dad I worry about more.

My DDad got into bad habits with eating and drinking in his 70's. He and my step-mum ate out at greasy cafes and ate convenience foods at home. He enjoyed a vodka and red bull or a sherry or Baileys on a daily basis. My step mother died of a massive stroke in her early 80s and my DDad developed a twisted bowel. His general health, including diabetes and heart problems, probably made worse by his bad habits, meant that he didn't survive the operation. I think that they could both have lived longer and in better health if they hadn't been so self indulgent. I am trying to be healthier.

It’s quite dependent on what other activity you do. But, as happened with my relative, if you go from living in a house with bedroom and bathroom upstairs, so you have to go up and down several times a day, sometimes carrying things to a bungalow where all those rooms are within a few metres of each other, then you’ve removed a chunk of exercise from your life.

For someone who is reasonably active it won’t make much difference, but for someone quite car dependent, like my relative, think about it in terms of the reduction in exercise done each week.

It’s similar to exercise done whilst WFH vs going to a workplace. If I WFH I could easily not leave the house unless I make myself go for a walk. The kettle is a few metres from my desk. If I go to the office I walk 10,000-15,000 steps during the day including multiple sets of stairs.

Re; 'bungalow legs' - falling is one of the main factors in sudden decline in health amongst the elderly. We are all told to do everything you can to avoid falling as it hastens decline, and stairs are a serious problem when one loses stability (which is why a lot of older people chose to live in a bungalow)

I'm a little concerned with some of the rather judgemental opinions some people have expressed. Living in a bungalow (I don't, btw) is not an excuse to be idle, or a sign of frailty. It's often a deliberate choice to make living easier at a time when things are getting harder. Who in their right minds wants to risk falling downstairs because they are unsteady on their feet or their eyesight is not as good as it used to be?

If you can run upstairs and down while carrying the week's washing under one arm etc, all well and good, but age (and infirmity) have a nasty habit of creeping up on you when you least expect it. Just a thought.

I did all of that and have had a heart attack - and needed a stent in my right coronary artery - and my heart rhythm has gone haywire so I have a pacemaker....

Best laid plans eh?

Wish I had eaten, drunk, smoked and made merry!

I walked miles when I lived in a bungalow because all the rooms were sprawled around down a long corridor.

Twenty months on and I'm still dealing with the legal nightmare that my mum left behind. And we've only recently managed to get rid of all her stuff.

So I'm in the process of creating a file which contains every detail and every document that my kids will need when I die (I'm widowed, so there's no partner to pick up the slack). I'm also NOT leaving them with a spiteful and insane executor (fortunately that person eventually renounced) and I won't be leaving complex investments that turned out to be scams. Nor do I plan to leave hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt.

Oh, and I'm trying to declutter.

My parents downsized about 8 years ago, from a large bungalow to a smaller one. Location is spot on right next to a bus route, shops, doctors, restaurant, leisure centre all within 10 minute walk. The live right in the middle of all their 6 kids (all within 15 minutes) so have lots of support and company.

my FIL has refused to downsize from his 4 bed detached. Complains it’s too big and the garden is too much to manage. Starting to cut back on drying but lives 30 minutes to the closest amenities. Ge also complains he has no money and his bills are high but his house is worth 600k. It’s very frustrating.

Definitely made us strongly reconsider having a baby in 40s and appreciate the kids we already have. My MIL was 46 when she had her last child and I've seen impact her loss of mobility and her younger kids - who already lost their dad young - feeling overwhelmed by doing stuff for her several times a week when they are having full time jobs and toddlers.

Also I know I need to take my health seriously with muscle-tone maintenance but I can't be arsed with walking and exercise. Pathetic.

Thank goodness, MIL is very organised and keeps her house as uncluttered as possible.

Have had such a difficult time with my parents in their refusal to look ahead and plan that I want to make sure I don’t do that to my son.

Declutter
Keep wills updated
Sort a POA both financial/health
Keep our ID up to date
Do all major work on house
Downsize before we actually are too frail
Get help/carers if we can afford when suggested
stop driving when son thinks we don’t have capacity - I trust his judgement

Also…keep strength training and generally active

To add I saw a few bungalow posts. My parents did eventually downsize last year to another house but with a stairlift. Wouldn’t have considered a bungalow. Dad died within 3 months. Mum now needing carers almost 8 hrs a day and they won’t navigate her on/off the stairlift as it’s too dangerous (2 man job and they don’t have capacity). Therefore she’s moving into a home next week. Had she been in a bungalow we might have been able to keep her at home.

The major crises for my parents have been health.
The size of the home hasn't impacted.
The work is in taking to appointments sorting pills, food, laundry, admin.
Having the family home means DB and I can stay in a crisis then go home when calmer.

What would have helped is simpler financial affairs and being able to use tech.

Tech is all well and good but bear in mind we will also be totally clueless as to how to use new tech when we are older. There's an amazing (and slightly terrifying) cartoon strip, I think called 'Obsolete', about an old man in the future who is totally befuddled because phones are now tiny floating orbs, scams have become evermore sophisticated and the Internet no longer exists- and that is 100% going to be all of us when we're old!

But the point is that it doesn’t have to be! If you keep a reasonable working knowledge of tech as you go along you will continue learning the skills you need to adapt. A lot of tech skills are quite transferable.

Not necessarily. You need to keep up with changes. Smaller/incremental changes are easier to adapt to than fundamental changes. Nothing that we have today happened as a "big bang" overnight kind of immediate change. Everything has been incremental over decades.

Take banking, we had "cards" in the 80s, telephone banking in the 90s, websites in the 00s and now apps. Obviously it's hard for someone to make a fundamental switch from cash/cheques 70s style to today's apps, but if they'd moved with the times over the decades, they'd probably cope perfectly well.

Likewise today with card only car parks. So many people simply refuse to use them and find a car park with a cash ticket machine instead. Fine short term, but ultimately, all car parks will be card, if not app based. Fair enough when someone is in a hurry, they don't have time to faff around with a card ticket machine or an app, but they need to wake up and smell the coffee that the future will be all app car parks, so when they're not in a hurry and the car park isn't busy, they should try to use the card machine or an app, or do it when they have friends/family with them to help.

True - it certainly helps to try. My dad's always been interested in tech, so is pretty savvy in his mid 70s.

I think one thing we have learned is, if everyone's using it, give it a try sooner rather than later as you may find it's something that becomes essential. If your kids/younger relatives say it's a must have and it's widely used, then adopt it.

I still think there will be stuff that goes waaaay over our heads in 30 years' time, though!

Agree. That’s a good way to know whether to try something. My MIL causes much hilarity for me and DH with her approach to online shopping etc, and sometimes conflates Amazon and Google, which is interesting, but she tries, and asks for advice. We help her with anything she needs. It is clear she simply can’t get her head round some stuff, but she is very pleased that she can use parking apps, for example. In case this sounds patronising, don’t worry I ask her for advice on many things as she has lots of skills that I don’t!

We (aged 58 and 63) have already done the hardest bits. Downsized and reduced Our “stuff” by well over 50%.

We live in a flat (so one floor) in a city centre with all amenities in walking distance.

We are also both actively working on our strength and mobility.

You say it has no impact but how do they cope with maintenance and the Garden if their health is failing? The size of my mom’s house (modest three bed) and larger than average garden is definitely impacting now.

We are the same and can feel your pain, we are planning an extension and making sure we have solar, eco lower bills so we can stay in our home, we are making sure we have large shower rooms and accessible areas. So future planning to stay. We are also not going to live in a shithole surrounded by clutter like my DHs parents do.

@BitOutOfPractice They have a gardener and a fortnightly cleaner. Dad fixes things or my DH helps if needed. House will be demolished when they move out, most other houses have been redeveloped in the road, so it just has to outlive them.