what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

OT will do this but the wait can be up to a year and some councils put a note on the title that the house cannot be let out for 10 years after the bathroom is done. Not a real problem for most people but can reduce who you can sell it to. My FIL was 97 when we approached the council. We decided to do it ourselves as needed it done He had plenty of money and I actually think it was right that he did pay for it. Sadly he only used it for 4 weeks but it did help.

I think the issue is that if you are living in an unsuitable property, then adaptations take time.

MIL was in hospital for a week before she was medically fit for discharge. In that week you cannot get a stairlift fitted, put in a new adapted bathroom or fit a shower downstairs. So you are in the scenario where she is sent home to a less than adequate home with an equally elderly husband who is trying to manage her getting up and down the stairs. If they had considered these things before the crisis it would have been easier for everyone!

Not necessarily downsizing but just a bit of future proofing when you are fit and able to navigate the process. FIL has found it overwhelming to deal with rise and recline chair suppliers, stair lift quotes and all the rest of it alongside visiting in hospital and looking after MIL.

Also I think that a move at this point is impossible. They just couldn't cope with it. Unless circumstances absolutely forced a move into residential care or similar.

4 very clear things:

1. without prompting, attempt to downsize and put myself into more sensible accommodation without needing to be hassled about it
2. Try and listen to my kids - if they repeatedly say 'get a hearing test, for god's sake', get rid of that shlt - we don't want it now or in ten years' etc etc, I'd like to think now that I might consider actioning their suggestions
3. when I give them gifts or money or things, give them without any expectation on how it will be used / spent / wasted. You give something, it is no longer yours to control, use as leverage etc etc
4. be ruthlessly fair with gifts / offering of help etc etc

Get finances in order and keep clear records.
Take advice on estate planning if appropriate.
Will and LPAs.
Throw away all your old unwanted crap. If you don't want it, it's highly unlikely your children will.
Make plans on the basis that nobody will be there to help you- will you be able to get around on your own? If not, can you afford taxis etc? Not to say that you should expect not to receive help- you may find your children are happy to help- but they shouldn't feel obliged to.
Take active steps to stay in good health.
Try not to become a moaner or someone who hates young people. Take steps to keep your brain active and your thinking flexible.

On the other hand, I don't agree with downsizing or moving too a bungalow too early and always find MN far too risk averse on this stuff. You are still alive and allowed to live- no need to pack yourself up completely and await the grave.

Write a will, and agree beforehand on who gets the pets/animals when I die

Organise my funeral, to (hopefully) minimise stress when I die (I have chosen a direct cremation)

Get all of my paperwork and financial affairs in order

Make my wishes clear, e.g. POA, a Do Not Resuscitate order (it saves worry when paramedics are trying to revive someone and nobody knows if the person has a DNR order or not...), etc.

Move to a bungalow, or somewhere with space for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom if ever I need it

Develop some more home-based hobbies

Remain as independent as possible. Have a contacts list of taxis, plumbers, electricians, gardeners, etc. Remember that my family have their own lives, and they should not be taking days off work to run around after me, nor are they my carers, when they have caring duties towards their children. Do not put pressure on them to be my carers/handy people, and guilt-trip them when they can't do a job for me because they are on holiday or live abroad... also, don't guilt-trip them into living life as I think they should (been there, done that, and escaped as soon as I could... I like my family, but the pressure can be immense at times, when you all live within 1.5 miles of each other)

I will get all my finances in good order administratively with everything clear and access for my children. Wills, POAs etc. I’ll keep fit and healthy and move to somewhere where we/I can walk to shops, cafes etc. we will plan for an old age with various plans according to whether we are together or one of us is alone. Most importantly, I will do what my grandparents did and visit and choose retirement homes and care homes that I’m happy with.

My Mum is 77, living in a house but due to hip and knee issues she can barely use the stairs. She doesn't know that I know, but she's done an equity release (without understanding what it is) to give my sister money to get her wreck of a house watertight so she essentially is stuck unable to move as she can't afford a bungalow or flat with what's left in the equity. I'm frankly staying well out of it, my bloody sister can deal with the consequences as she's caused the situation. Fortunately, my Dad was sensible and moved into an over 60s block of flats about 5 years before he died. It was only tough in the last months as he had cancer but ended up in a hospice for most of it.

DH and I have said that we won't inflict any of what we've been through/are going through with our parents onto our DC. We will prepare, take responsibility and won't be in denial about aging.

In the eye of the storm at the minute, with elderly DPs an hours drive away and I am an only DC.

Firstly we are travelling as much as we can, while we can. Maybe we will be the lucky ones, but many people once they get 80+ don’t seem to be able to, and health complications seem to kick in mid late 70s for most, if not sooner.

Secondly being used to having someone in the house and outsourcing cleaning and big gardening jobs, so when we can’t do it ourselves we are used to paying others and having someone in the home.

Thirdly weight bearing exercise for me - DM has osteoporosis and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It doesn’t need to be time consuming or going to the gym. Some hand weights at home will suffice.

One that unfortunately I am not sure how I will manage, which is move into assisted living before I absolutely need to. Sadly DH is diametrically opposed and would rather be left to his own devices i.e. me looking after him, so I am not sure how we will work thus one out.

We've had to sort out both sides of parents homes/wills etc after they died and also 3 of the 4 with long term health conditions. An absolute nightmare as, despite wills being made, there were no POAs and their homes were full of "stuff" and finances disorganised. After we've been through that, we're not inflicting it on our DS!

Written wills and update every 5 years or so

Got POAs for both finances and health

Started to de-clutter the house and weed paperwork etc., half way through loft sorting into 3 piles of "keep", "tip" or "charity shop", doing the same with cupboards, shelves etc in the house as we go along. Not keeping anything without particular sentimental or financial value so cheap/naff ornaments are going. Sold loads of rarely used things like "best" cutlery and crockery, gravy boats, serving dishes etc, "posh" tablecloths and napkins etc. that we basically only use once a year - can do without! Same with clothes, weeded out our wardrobes down to things we actually wear which meant about 3/4 of what we used to have has been donated.

Consolidating bank accounts, pensions and investments to make it easier to sort out afterwards

Keep a list/file of exactly what finances we have, latest utility/broadband/sky bills, latest car and house insurance policy documents, so that either of us or our DS can quickly see what's what.

File of house stuff, i.e. deeds, purchase details (solicitor completion statement, copy of estate agent brochure), warranties/guarantees etc for home improvements, new windows, new boiler, etc. - everything else ditched (such as minor tradesmen bills, low value fixtures & fixtures bills etc).

File for each car with "log book", insurance, full service history garage bills, etc, to make it easier to sell when the time comes.

Drafted inheritance tax returns for us both to "prove" no IHT due, to make it easier for DS to go through probate. Will update every five years or so with updated wills to reflect changes in asset values etc.

My house is pretty tidy, I’m not an hoarder and I’m staying where I am.
I have stairs and I think they keep you fit, I’m up and down all day, I walk my dog and lift weights at the gym.
I read and keep up to date with current affairs and do Wordle and other things to keep my mind active, in most of them I am in the top 10%, let’s me know I’m not going gah gah. 🤣
If I become unable to use the stairs, I will get a stairlift installed, if I can’t drive safely any more, I’ll get taxis with the money I save not having a car.
Told family if I become a burden to stick me in a care home or preferably whack me over the head with a house brick… 🤣

Ps I’m 77 and life in the old dog yet ….,

Please can I ask you about the decline following the move? Was it the upheaval?

dm is in a in a very unsuitable house and we have just started the process of getting it on the market. We’ve viewed one which I think she would be happy in but at the moment she has many neighbours popping in in addition to the carers every morning. She bought the house with dad in 1965. He passed last year.

so we’re thinking an assisted living might be better but she is not a sociable person.

Accept that the help of a cleaner, once a week is not outrageous self indulgence

Ditto, a gardener

Continue to exercise (running, swimming, yoga) through my 60s and 70s so when I get to 80, I'm still as fit and healthy as possible.

If I fall over, I'll press the flippin' emergency button rather than worrying about disturbing people and not making a fuss.

My DM is long gone, but while she was alive she could be infuriating. 😁

We're in the thick of it with my parent now. I would advise not leaving it too late for a hip/knee replacement , my mum kept putting it off until now (91) and can hardly move, we have to help get her out of the chair, shower , toilet etc. She is obviously more at risk from falling now as she's so unsteady, not to mention in excruciating pain.

My Dad is now 90 and mum 87. I did worry a while back they should have down-sized a long time ago but they didn't. And I agree with PP that actually still having stairs, the garden and space for people to stay has kept them fitter and happier for far longer. My dad broke his hip and spent a month in re-hab at 90 - they let him out once he was able to climb those stairs! Admittedly with a stick and a terrified me behind him to begin with! They can pay for cleaners and gardeners though which makes a big difference. I know that when they do indeed have to move it will be downhill very quickly for them.

We are in our 60s and moved recently but didn’t downsize. We had been living in rented houses for 15 years and we wanted a place where we can entertain etc. We have future proofed though, walking distance from shops, doctors surgery and railway station plus on a bus route to the local hospital which has cardiac care and a stroke unit. We have no steps up to the front door, separate reception rooms so one could be used as a bedroom and wide stairs which can accommodate a stair lift. It also has a good sized half landing so could put a chair there to rest if a full flight becomes difficult to do in one go.
We are also a maximum of three miles from all our children. They have all moved nearby so their choice.
All our parents have died and one of the important things I gained from seeing their latter years was to be open to help, keep your house maintained and declutter ruthlessly! That is one thing renting and moving house frequently has done, no jam packed loft for our children to go through.

My relatives got a lot of things right, bless them. However:
-Both PoAs. I need to print that out today
-Advanced Refusal of Treatment in detail, not the crappy standard one online
-Don’t fall in love with married men in your 60s; at that age you should still have the strength to walk away
-if your adult children tell you it’s a scam, it’s a bloody scam
-moving can be a good idea but it needs to be strategic, and if you leave it to past 80 it may be too late

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat im not suggesting you should fork out a fortune, but in my area it is at least a year’s wait for a wet room installation by the council, and in the last 2 months the equipment our OTs can order has shrunk to ‘emergency/ disastrous only’ - we are starting to ask if people can just buy it themselves. If there is anything small scale you need and can afford (grab rails?) then I would try to afford it yourself.

Downsize to something practical for your use and social needs whether that's a large living area or not as the case may be. Personally I'll be moving to about as modern a home as I can afford with a small outside space so miles from my current residence !

Insulate the shit out of stuff. The last thing you will want to do is clean out an open fire if you can't get back up from kneeling
Space - a downstairs loo that you can actually use with a walker or worse a wheelchair. So doorways need to be wider etc
3 beds optimum. One for each of you if someone is terminally ill, plus a space for a carer or child to stay to support. Can easily be used as a hobby room, separate TV area etc as you grow older.
The rest, declutter etc.

Lastly, have the finances in place for private healthcare into my dotage. It makes a huge difference to quality of life if you can schedule treatment promptly when needed. Similarly as much as I'd love to move somewhere completely rural, a +40 min drive to a hospital is a massive pain in the arse.

A poster up thread suggested assisted living but her husband was not keen. The problem with that is you are only welcome as long as you are in reasonable health. What then? In the case of my father, he never considered that my mum would go before him. With hindsight he'd have downsized and made very different decisions when she first got ill and then went into remission.

Looking to move to a bungalow by our mid sixties. My balance is poor and I have already fallen downstairs a few times over the years. I definitely want to avoid that risk as my bones inevitably become that bit more fragile. It's about location, really. Friends and wider family are more or less settled, but adult DC are just starting out.
Most bills are solely in my name, so that needs to change. All but very small purpose-led savings pots are in joint names. We'll need to balance the convenience of easy access should one of us become seriously incapacitated against the need to reserve some cash for the remaining spouse if one of us needs to move to a care home. Better look into that.

Beginning at a point before what I'd describe as the decline, MIL had a new hip in her mid 80s. She made a great recovery but it did lead to he stopping driving. Her vast living/dining room was L shaped and that became her bedroom. One of her previous expensive renovations was downstairs facilities so she lived from that time downstairs mostly even after recovery.

She started feeling under the weather after Christmas about two years before she passed away. By this point she wasn't having meals delivered and she was out and about on the bus etc. Very sociable person. SIL discovered some of the extent of her debt, but not the full equity release nightmare at this point because temporary carers were suggested. The SILs went with her to GP, DH and I thought this was to help with diagnosing why she felt feeble. However, they had got him to recommend moving into retirement accommodation.

She agreed, but leaving friends behind was difficult and everything happened at lightening speed. In those 8 weeks no further progress with diagnosis was made. Eventuallly, she spent a few months renting retirement property and still not really feeling better before a fall and transfer to a nursing home. Finally, some diagnosis of blood disorder but too slow and too late and she slowly faded away between hospital stays.

We are in our mid 60s and moved from a 5 bed house to a huge 2 bed flat 6 years ago.

Our criteria was to move whilst it was still fun! Had tons of work done in the flat after living with it for a few months to see what worked and what didn't. Full rewire and re-plumb. We have a good sized balcony with pots and table for 4 to 6.

We are on the third floor with a lift so try to use the stairs most of the time currently.

Both of our parents lived in what proved to be unsuitable homes in their old age.

We hope not to go into a home for mobility reasons

Our flat is also super easy to clean. Lots of built-in cupboards.

I'm in a similar position to OP. The health of both my parents declined very quickly. Mum's health became a problem earlier so Dad took care of all the finances/utilities/insurance and other household admin/practicalities. This meant that unfortunately when Dad died unexpectedly Mum didn't know how to access most things. I'm still in the process of helping her sort things out and it's made a difficult time much harder. Mum's now alone and quite isolated as she doesn't drive, has mobility and other issues, and does not have friends living locally. She relies on me quite heavily and really wants to see me more regularly but as I live 2 hours away this is not easy.

My list of things I plan to do is:

1. Always have all bills, insurance policies etc in joint names (unless there's a really good reason not to). All finances in joint names unless there's a reason not to.
2. Keep a book/file with details of where to find important documents, who to contact, account names etc for everything. If this might be a security problem, leave it with a trusted family member. Include small things as well as the big stuff (eg TV subscriptions, broadband provider etc)
3. Make the most of early retirement, when I am (hopefully) fairly fit and well. Do things I want to do, make new friends who live nearby, get/build on some hobbies of my own. Help friends and family if I can, but don't put my own life on hold to make things easier for other people who probably won't want to help me if when I need it.
4. Consider whether my family home would be an easy/pleasant place to live if I was alone and could not drive- eg. are the local activities/shops/community groups, do I have friends/family locally. As well as considering how accessible my house/garden could be. If I conclude that it would be a miserable, lonely place if I was alone and could not drive I would make plans to move early on in retirement so that I have time to become part of a new community whilst I am still active. Or if the area's right but the home is not that accessible, make a plan or some easy changes early on.
5. A pp mentioned living no more than 3 miles from your most competent child. Whilst I would not want to put on my children, I think there is something in this. I think it's inevitable that if we become elderly and vulnerable we will all want to see our children and our children will probably want to help us. I think a move, whilst independent and well, to be closer to the family member/s most likely to help in a crisis would be a good move. In my case, my siblings live closer to Mum but don't help her (they are still hoping she'll recover and resume helping them instead- but that's another thread!). If she lived closer to me, I could pop in and check on her each day but she doesn't want to move at this stage in her life.
6. Whatever home I plan to stay in through to old age, remodel the bathroom and kitchen in my late 60s to be 'old age proof'. Eg. built in eye level cooker rather than a lovely range style cooker that I need to bend to put food inside, a walk in shower big enough for a chair if in case standing, getting in to the bath is difficult, shower adjoining a wall sturdy enough to fit grab rails if necessary (I've just learned that mum's isn't).
7. Try to keep on top of technology, even if at a fairly basic level. This is a tricky one, but Mum has always wanted to do everything in person or over the phone and lots of places won't do this now. It would be much easier if she could use a computer/phone to order her own shopping, prescriptions, look up information etc. Instead half a lot of the time I have available to spend with her is taken up doing these things for her, or taking her to the bank to make transfers because she won't have online banking and places won't take cheques. It would be much nicer for both of us if she could do things online and more of our time together could be for fun things.

My df died when I was young, but a few years ago I helped my Nan downsize and move closer to my dm, then she needed more support so was moved to a residential home. Then dm decided that she would move into the flat that nan had left empty so we downsized her (sorting out a 4 bedroom 3 storey house to achieve this).

when dm died it was fairly easy to sort her things as we’d done a good job when she’d moved. My IL’s asked what they could do to help - I replied - sort your house out! They laughed and have done absolutely nothing about it. They have a 5 bedroom house with garage and sheds. Every nook of storage is full, the loft has every set of curtains, rugs, light fittings etc that they’ve ever had in that house (they’ve been there over 50 years). They are no longer able to get into the loft, the shed or the garage safely. I’ve made it clear that I won’t be doing it - it’s up to DH and bil. BIL thinks that what I’ve said is ’unfair’ as ‘you’re so good at it’. It’s not happening.

Our house is clutter free and well maintained- I intend to keep it that way. We have space for downstairs living and wills and poa sorted. Next is funeral planning but at 48 I keep putting that off.

Having been through this recently I feel that I'm going to attempt to declutter regularly enough that there isn't days worth of sorting to do. Particularly of items that seem sentimental but perhaps aren't. I wouldn't expect my children to care about a vase my nan gave me. The balance is I don't want to clear everything that gives me joy so I think I may be very clear that I don't expect anything to be kept but that they are welcome to anything.

I also have all passwords written down and a list of bank accounts etc. we will set up POA when DC are old enough

I think having access to downstairs toilet (as a minimum but preferably a shower) is so much more important than you think. Ideally yes the ability to have a downstairs bedroom but if it comes to it you can just add a bed to an existing room. Even a relatively small trip can result in stairs not being doable and I I see so many people limiting drinks so they don't need the toilet too much as they don't want to have to go up and down stairs.

Depending on where we live I will consider down sizing but I do want to be able to host if needed and so I'd prioritise making sure the space was livable and I'd pay for help if needed (garden and indoors)

I’m late 50’s. Plan is to redecorate now and stay put until I can retire, as work is nearby. Then move to a place on all one level or minimum stairs, nearer to adult DC’s and get that place up to scratch by 70.

Also, I’m thinking about whether to remove evidence of my life before DC from paperwork , personal belongings etc., or if it doesn’t matter once I’m gone!
I don’t want them being too shocked 🙂 and I’m quite a private person.

What do people think about this?