what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

It’s all about future proofing - declutter, streamline, downsize - think about how you’d feel if an accident or illness meant you couldn’t ever go home. In that scenario would you be better off moving now so the decision isn’t snatched away from you? One side of ours have done this and could feasibly stay at home (with help) forever. The other is in the process of selling the big family home to achieve the same. That process involves a bloody good clear out of decades worth of crockery, linen, clothes, trinkets etc. It’s putting the paperwork all in one place.

Money / admin - make lists particularly if there is only one of you left, write down every account and every password, have all the paperwork in order. We know where these lists are for our parents. In the case of sudden death or incapacity we will not have the added stress of untangling and accessing everything.

Basic funeral wishes or end of life care plan. Have that conversation or write it down if it’s important to you.

Address book - another list of people to contact should the worst happen. I have numbers for maybe ten people who would in turn let everyone else know.

It’s really difficult as people tend to get more stubborn as they get older but I have seen first hand the result of a catastrophic event (massive stroke followed by severe dementia in our case) and everyone is left floundering, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

My Mum died almost 3 years ago, both PIL died close together earlier this year and now we just have my Dad who is fit and healthy for an 87 year old, although we have noticed his memory is not as good as it was. We had to sell PIL house to pay for their care and were glad that we didnt have to do all of that when they died as it was absolutely overflowing with belongings and paperwork. WE had spent a lot of time backwards and fowards to their house, doing jobs, called out in an emergency, getting shopping they had forgotten to order on their online order etc. We will deal with whatever Dad needs as it happens and luckily they had a good clear out before Mum got ill. We have had a big clear out ourselves this year, so very little left in the loft, paperwork tidied, wills written POA's in progress and we hope to downsize as soon as we are able.

We’ve decided that as soon as we retire we will move to a bungalow where public transport is good and we are also in walking distance of some amenities. Going to try and be more active over the coming years. Looking at my in-laws I’ll be prioritising my mobility

As someone firmly living the bitter end of the sandwich effect at the moment, my takeaways are:

(1) how your parents and grandparents aged is no indication of how kind (or otherwise) your own old age will be. You simply cannot be too prepared.

(2) Put all legal measures in place to ensure minimum hassle for everyone when crisis occurs (it is highly likely it will happen as people live longer with increased frailty ans multiple conditions).

(3) Do everything you can to stay healthy and active for as long as possible, but even this won't hold off the March of time in all cases.

(4) Declutter and downsize before you need to. Your relatives with thank you for it, and it will allow them to enjoy memories of you rather than build up resentment. You really don't need the Christmas card from Aunt Meg written in 1982.

(5) Put in place a funeral plan, or at least clear instructions. Make sure you have a Death folder with all relevant details. Make sure you speak to people about being executors and LPAs early. Make sure you speak to loved ones about your last wishes.

And for anyone interested. I can highly recommend Atul Gwande's book, Being Mortal. Sobering reading but incredibly important.

(6) Set up direct debits and rationalise accounts. You really don't need 46 separate bank accounts.

(7) Sell the car early enough not to be a hazard on the road. Get taxis and - even better - move somewhere with good public transport.

(8) Exercise.

Several things but paying into a pension not blowing all your savings before age 65 are biggies.

DP and I planning on moving in together to a new home when several sons between us have moved out - it will need to be fully accessible to meet his degenerative needs anyway so the main tick points will be community, public transport, in reach of a major hospital and lots of activities for me!

Similarly, we've decided to move into a retirement flat in the next few years, once we've decluttered. We want to make everything simple and want to live somewhere with good access for any future disabilities, close to amenities such as shops, GP surgery, bus routes etc. We've got our eyes on a new M&S block in our nearest town which would be perfect - just not currently ready to move there. (And yes, We know all about M&S charges, potential loss of value, etc and going into it with our eyes open - the thing is the location is perfect and the complex is lovely so the downsides outweigh the costs.)

Wills done
Death book being filled in with details of everything
Decluttering.
Putting grab rail in shower.

I will make sure arrangements are available for me to check out when old age becomes unbearable. I have no desire to live bed ridden and incontinent with no quality of life.( and yes,I know that doesn't happen to everyone)

@FollowSpot exactly this!
My parents did the same. Fine for the first 10 years but now the wheels are starting to come off. I’ve been encouraging them to move closer for years but now it’s too late. DM very ill with DF caring with no family close by to support. I will never put myself in this situation!!!!

We know a couple who in their late 70s decided to move to a small seaside town from outer London, somewhere they had been a few times on holiday. They had enough money to buy a holiday flat but sold up and moved.
Complained from the outset about the lack of amenities and shops. Then they complained about the GP and the lack of hospitals. They complained about the weather in the winter. The husband died within 2 years after becoming unwell and then struggling with no nearby hospital. The wife moved back home, it was a monumentally stupid move.

@taxguru If it’s in a desirable location, you’re unlikely to have problems selling if you ever need to. The flats in my Dad’s complex sell quickly due to the town centre location.

Two more things - from my own experiences and that of similarly aged friends - while it's good to be clear about what's important to you funeral wise, don't get a prepaid funeral plan or otherwise fix stuff in stone bar the choice between burial and cremation.

Having a prepaid plan with undertakers in town X, and then dying in Town Y and leaving your offspring to find out this (and also, that Town X undertakers are hell to deal with) - that's a common tale.
Equally, saying nothing about funeral wishes so that the family end up bickering about "what Dad would have wanted". Aaargh.

Talking about death and so on - I've been told that if I have a pacemaker or defibrillator implanted, to be sure it can be disabled remotely, and be specific in your PoA about the sort of circumstances when your attorney should discuss whether, in your "best interests", it might be turned off.

Re what to leave and what to destroy: I was quite sad my parents left very few letters etc. I keep a diary and sometimes write, "sorry, nephews and nieces" after bits which might make them reach for the brain bleach! We're working on the assumption that when the last of us 2 die, they'll deal with anything we mention specifically in the will, grab what they fancy, and get a house clearance firm in for the rest.

there is stairs and stairs.

One flight of stairs, fine. My grandmother had a small flight of stairs going down to her kitchen, which is what caused her demise after a fall.

My parents have one of those houses with many half floors. Its a nightmare. Stairs to get inside, more stairs down to kitchen and living room. Flight up to 2 bedrooms with one stair between them both. more stairs up to the bathroom and another bedroom. 2 more flights of stairs up to 2 more bedrooms.

I would ensure we had a house with a full bathroom and walk in shower on ground floor, room that is suitable to be used as a bedroom, A guest apartment which could be used by adult children/grandchildren/carer would also be a nice addition. (or rented out if not needed for that)

Having helped my friend's DD clear their flat of her stuff, after her death (not much time between diagnosis and death), I became acutely aware of how much crap we accumulate that someone else will have to be sorted out.

My own DPs were minimalists anyway, the in-laws were not - but blimey they were inspirational in showing how to be ruthless in downsizing. From family home to a bungalow in their mid 70's, then to a retirement flat in their mid 80's where they remained until their death. At each stage the charity shops did well out of what was left after family took sentimental bits and bobs.

No masses of paperwork to sort through once DFiL died, he had left a list of assets with his eldest DD, clear wishes and a will.

I have already downsized once, and was ruthless. I have been even more ruthless recently and let go of things I brought with me that I just don't need.

I have a Will, LPAs for health and finance in place, list of assets. DS has the password to my computer and can access any files needed on there. There are printed out files in my filling cabinet of other assets, along with a notarised copy of the will.

Having said that - this is a good reminder to make sure I have up to date print outs of each of those, eg ISA.

edited to add - I think funerals are for the living, so I have made it clear to my DC that they do whatever they want that will make them happy - and that if my body is of any use to anyone (organ donation etc) they should say "yes".

I've told relatives that i want a direct cremation. I've also told then that if I become incapacitated due to a long term illness and am unable to make medical decisions I want palliative care only. I don't want to be kept alive in poor health.

It’s all very well saying you will move to a bungalow folks. I live in a cul de sac of 8 bungalows in a pleasant desirable setting. It was the only place on the market when we came here many years ago. I hated living in a bungalow. It’s now an aging bungalow although I have had a new roof, with aging plumbing although I had a new bathroom fitted and aging central heating although I changed it from solid fuel to gas. Two of the neighbours went into care homes and the properties were snapped up pulled down and enormous houses built. I can guess that another two will go soon as their owners disintegrate. Planners allow this to happen and because they don’t think through about an aging population these desirable architect built bungalows will disappear.

It’s happening round here @Stanislas FIL lives in a bungalow and I’m pretty sure it will be dropped when it’s sold, and 2+ dolls houses go up on the plot.

Our house is an odd layout but does have 2 rooms downstairs that could be bedrooms (have been in the past), and a good sized shower room. In that respect it’s future-proof already, as long as we get a gardener & cleaner.

Early sixties, I've just got hearing aids for mild hearing loss. I could live without them, it's only really an occasional problem in noisy environments and most people are surprised to see me wearing them and have said that they didn't realise I was deaf. But it took about ten years of us increasingly having to bellow at my late mother who insisted people should stop mumbling before she finally accepted it might be her and not the rest of the world (about six months before she died!). It was such a relief when we could finally have a normal conversation with her without going hoarse.

name changed as this is outing!

Downsize BEFORE it gets hard work. Have a proper bathroom fitted downstairs if possible and 'future-proof' as much of the house.
Learn to adapt as you get older. Don't be ashamed of using a walking stick if it helps - people wear glasses and no one thinks they're stupid.
(This is one I learned from my grandmother and I think it's worth mentioning, given that falling on the stairs is such a serious matter when one gets older.) Make it a rule that you NEVER turn round on the stairs and if you are worried about falling when going downstairs, practise walking downstairs 'backwards' . (then if you lose your footing, you are more likely to fall forwards)
Give away any jewellery/precious things you are unlikely to wear/use again. I gave mine to family who I knew would like it, together with the history of each piece and why that person was getting it.
Photograph anything in the house that you want to go to a particular person (painting, ornaments, books, anything really) together with a reason for giving it and the history. Then put those photographs on a usb stick (one for each member of the family) so there is no argument about who gets what.
Forget planning funerals - you won't be there in person and funerals are for the living - but make damned sure all your legal documents are up to date and the family have passwords/access details to stuff like not only important stuff like bank accounts, but also things like Facebook pages, X, etc so they can notify friends and close accounts after a while. (again - usb sticks)

Don't leave it too late.

We are making similar choices. Both in our early 50s and renovating our house, but already taking our own aging into account with the design and furnishings.

Currently looking after my elderly DP, and two big things for me to do differently: strength training as I have OA, and insisting I keep up with the latest technology. Otherwise I’m going to end up in the same helpless position as my DP.

Certainly seeing the difference between my parents, mid 70s, don't exercise, and my in-laws, late 70s, have exercised a lot, has made it clear to me that the most important reason to exercise is keeping physically fit later in life. My parents are much worse off physically, though admittedly my mum has a chronic illness as well, so that's obviously the main issue for her.

My grandfather remarried late in life after my grandma died - he died a few years ago and my step grandma sadly has dementia. Luckily he had arranged for her to be well covered for her care, but it did make me think that if I were separated or widowed I probably wouldn't remarry late in life because I could cope personally and financially and I wouldn't want to risk my kids potentially being landed with responsibility for a step-parents' care. Or I would only be with someone if they/their kids were in a position to cope with them needing long term care so it wouldn't have to become my kids' problem in any way -unless they wanted it to be. Obviously I'm happy for my step grandma is being looked after but I get the feeling my dad feels a bit resentful that some of the money he feels should have been his/ours is going to her care. As far as I'm concerned, she gave a lot of love and care to my grandfather in his final decades and it's only right he ensured she'd get good care.

i totally agree about preparing for not driving - if we move it is totally my intent to stay right next to a high street with cafes, shops etc in staggering distance. The last thing I'd want in retirement is a quiet country cottage. That said, if self-driving cars do ever become a reality, it'll be a game changer for the elderly.

Forget planning funerals - you won't be there in person and funerals are for the living

I would disagree, but it’s a personal thing, I’m not saying I’m right and you’re not. DH and I were at the funeral director this morning for MIL and it was hard enough without flicking through catalogues of coffins etc. she’d picked all of that, where it would be done, hymns etc we were 30 mins in and out and I still cried like a baby.

I am a single parent, I was 41 & 42 when I had my DDs. They are in their teens now and I really want to live long enough to see them settled in their own lives. I don’t drink or smoke, I exercise regularly, have a healthy diet and pay attention to my stress levels and wellbeing. My parents were the complete opposite and suffered health wise in their sixties and seventies. I have a financial enduring POA set up in favour of my considerably younger sister. My DM developed dementia in her late sixties, early seventies. She lived with us for several years and is now in a nursing home beside us. I will absolutely be using Dignitas if this should befall me. I would never put my DDs through the pain.

I’m down to MIL and she is in palliative care. Between my parents and FIL I’ve experienced very long drawn out death and one was exceptionally sudden. Between them my main lesson is don’t put things off…be it wills, POA, clear outs, holidays, experiences, time with the ones you love…as you just never know, none of us do.

For my own part, wills/POA and life books (download free from Age UK website) all done and accessible to those who need it, they also have their own copies too.

I didn’t think I had a lot of stuff, until I started clearing through it all! I’ve just finished with loft…now only have 3 boxes up there which I’m happy with … goal though is to have it completely empty in the next 6 months though then I don’t need to think about it again.

I plan on downsizing as soon as DS is settled and on his path. Currently 4 bed semi double storey…a 2 bed will more than suffice.

I’m on team stairs as well. There’s a thing called ‘bungalow legs’. Older people move into a bungalow or flat and quickly lose the ability to manage stairs altogether. I’ve heard of people who can’t visit friends or family any more because there is only an upstairs loo. However, stairs or steps INTO your home are a bad idea and can delay eg hospital discharge. The ability to sleep downstairs if necessary is important too.mre all your STUFF, hold onto it if you want to and if you can.. It’s the chronicle of your life. I’ve suggested my kids just hire a skip or house clearance when we shuffle off.

I just hope I don't live longer than I'm independent as I never want to be a burden on my kids. I'm in my 50s and I know too many people struggling with elderly care.