what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

Keep fit and strong, walk a lot and maintain my balance and posture. My mil is strong as an ox but totters about all over the place, my DM is more the mountain goat type but her posture is awful.

Get a cleaner and always have a reliable handyman and trustworthy tradesmen. And keep learning how to do things around the house, so even if I can’t do them, I won’t get too stressed about it as I’ll have an idea what the job involves.

Keep up to date with technology, within reason - never think ‘I don’t need to learn this’.

Get a hearing aid the moment I need one, and wear it!

I have been through this in the last 5 years with my parents and this year was widowed unexpectedly. So it's high on my list of priorities making my place safe to live in if/when I get old and frail and equally not full of decades of "stuff" so moving is extra complicated.
my plan (age 61)
i live in a bungalow anyway, but the garden is a handful as it is. I plan to get the layout better and more lawn so it's easy to get round with a ride on mower.
needs a major refurb so that will happen, get it all up together so when it needs to be sold it can be without too much difficulty. Currently decluttering and attempting to reclaim the garden as not much got done in the first half of this year due to my husbands illness/death. Then start planning the refurb and getting necessary planning permissions etc with a view to that being next years big project.
TBH I think I will keep my eye out for somewhere smaller locally to downsize to and not stay here for ever. But not a sheltered flat with high service charges that is near impossible to sell after I'm dead.
Regarding future proofing houses (and what my parents didn't do) a downstairs bathroom is essential if mobility becomes a problem plus a downstairs room that can be turned into a bedroom without too much upheaval. Room for a lift/stairlift without major upheaval also good. Their house was too cluttered (hoarded to some extent) with a tiny downstairs loo that you couldn't get into with a walking frame. You need to be able to get in with one of those and turn it around as a minimum.

POA and a will are on my to do list.

We spent six months skipping and tipping the contents of PIL house last year. Their approach to getting older and minimising the burden on adult DC has left a very bitter legacy.
We already have the POA, wills etc in place. Are decluttering gradually and will downsize in the next few years. We also refuse to live like paupers, not spend to enjoy and die leaving over £1m assets that goes largely on care fees and the tax man. Will start drip feeding away to family long before then to benefit the next generation.

Wills done
LPOAs in place
Dh and dc know my wishes after my death
I'd like to downsize at some point - dh not too keen on this idea!
I do need to get added to the utility bills just in case.
After my dad died, (10 years ago..) we started a joint bank account.
Think that's all we can do, really.
My mum moved to a ground floor flat after she began to struggle.
I'm grateful for that. I don't worry about her falling down stairs or on the uneven garden paths anymore.
I wish that my pils had taken steps years ago but 🤷‍♀️
It's all rather come to a head recently...which it usually does.

Not retire to an ‘idyllic’ coastal / rural place with no train station, no decent public transport, no GP in the village, 2 temperamental taxi drivers servicing a huge area, no local care workers, most neighbours second home owners or equally old and frail, and an hour away from a hospital .

All this was brilliant when my parents were first retired, but quickly became a nightmare and doubled the difficulty in supporting them. At least.

Dd and I were talking about my dad and his house just last night. She remembers it before it became so run down and was asking me why it happened over the last 7 years. In all honesty I would like to know too - after his parents died and he moved in he just neglected literally everything.

Keep not just paperwork in order, particularly if you want to stay in your own home as long as possible. I have no idea what I will do when he becomes too infirm to live alone.

Great list. I'd only add that it's ok to have sep savings but have POV.

Also, sell pointless shares in formerly nationalised industries for peanuts amounts of money.

Re tech - my Dad was mid 90s when he passed away a few years ago so tech wasn't really his thing and I would not have pushed this. I don't feel the same re retired colleague age 73 who doesn't have a smart phone.

I chose a house that was a short flat walk from the shops you need for day to day living (full size supermarket, pharmacy, majestic wine) and despite have stairs, it was designed to accommodate a stair lift if required and ground floor has flat entry. Bus to the city centre in 2 minutes walk away too

I’m 59, DH is 57.

We have already started to declutter and have a Swedish death clean. We didn’t have a huge amount of stuff but it’s things like books, if I’m not reading them again then they are off. DH has cleared his office at work and has the equivalent of 2 Billy bookcases of academic books. He will be selling and giving them away.

Share passwords, I’m not doing joint finances, it’s too complex due to individual investments.

Need to change our will as DD died and also do some Inheritance tax planning though I’m putting it off due to possible changes.

IT is no issue for either of us, both of us though mine was at a far more basic level can do computer programming.

We want to move but await DS to settle so we can be within around 30 minutes. We have retired early. All I know is both DS and his current GF have zero desire to move down South thankfully, I don’t want to go back.

A downstairs loo.

Stop driving before you become a liability.

But, there's only so much you can plan for. Seriously debilitating illness and or accidents are impossible to predict. I found that out the hard way in my 50s. All the the eventualities I had spent time worrying about were wiped out by the big one I did not see coming. We are not in control of everything at any point in our lives.

Keeping on top of the clutter, and reconsidering our 3 storey house at some point. The final set of stairs (loft conversion) are really steep and tbh it’s knackering, even now!

The other one is private medical insurance; my mum made my dad get it, and despite the cost it’s paid for itself for a knee replacement and cataract ops in both eyes. The NHS waiting lists for these locally were 1+ year, at which point Dad wouldn’t have been able to walk anywhere and would t be allowed to drive as his cataracts would have been too bad. Getting both done had enabled to keep him independent and mobile

I fancy a nice flat/apartment in a city...
Loads of things to do, good public transport, access to hospitals etc

We always talked about moving somewhere when DD leaves but I think we will stay and then move to a bungalow. DH is a terrible hoarder though and brought all the crap from his parents place into our house, I desperately want to Chuck so much of it!

We have stairs. MIL lived her whole life in a ground floor flat and even by her 50s seemed to struggle with stairs, so I do want to keep having them for as long as possible.

The main thing I will do is not be my PIL. They spent decades talking about retirement. Then the moment they did they did nothing, went nowhere, did nothing, still shopped on a Saturday. Tried to encourage them to go away, use their bus passes, just not interested. Just slept in and watched tv. Neither of them lasted long afterwards.
my neighbour is 86 and has been widowed for 15 years, she goes out everyday apart from Saturday. Uses her bus pass, goes shopping every week day, Sunday she goes to church. Has other activities. Says the structure keeps her going.

When we were looking at houses I refused to contemplate any houses with steps upto the front door, steep sloping drives or gardens and no open work stairs, definitely no spiral staircases! As a paramedic I’ve seen far to many older people have horrible falls.

We’ve similar to you, @GenieGenealogy , early 50’s with older children and three parents in their 80’s between us. Our parents haven’t done too badly planning for their old age tbh.

Personally, I think we’ll downsize as we live in a rambling terrace and it won’t be practical when we’re older. What we’ll do differently to our parents is be less emotionally reliant on our children (my Dad pours everything out to me and it can be upsetting sometimes. I’ll talk to friends or keep my mouth shut) and be more willing to move than my in-laws. Their house is on one level with a basement so that’s easy, but it’s too large and my MIL told DH that she’d like to move to a local assisted living facility now- but FIL refuses. My in-laws also have far too much stuff. They’re tidy, but they’ve bought an extra shed for storage! I’m sure most of what they have is unnecessary and it’ll be a job sorting everything out in the future.

@Recycledblonde Yes, my Dad (87) had to move, steps up to the front and back doors, plus a sloping garden. He had multiple falls when his mobility was declining. Luckily he was OK. He moved into an over-60’s flat in the centre of a bustling town and loves it. Everything is in his doorstep and there’s lots going on in the development itself.

We moved into a new build bungalow last year, from a three storey Victorian money pit. We got rid of loads of possessions and have minimal stuff. We have made new friends where we live, we made this move when we still had the energy to do it. We have two dogs, one a young spaniel, so keep fit that way. Love love love our new house. We are 72 and 67

I also agree with the idea of keeping up with technology. This is something which my mother has totally refused to do. She worked in an education role in early years and retired before computers were in widespread use. She refused to try to learn to use dad's laptop - dad was quite good and did things like online banking and booking flights. Mum has never sent an email, has an old brick dumb phone which is kept switched off and in the drawer. TV is watched live at all times because she refuses to learn to use the Sky box to record or watch on demand. I do not want to be like her, totally disconnected. My kids facetime their other grandparents and send them texts, my mum would no sooner send a text than fly to the moon.

I worked as a gardener before I retired. Almost all my clients were retired people whose gardens had become too much for them. Good reliable gardeners are hard to find and not cheap. A lawn and a hedge are not low maintenance.

My experience of my client, parents and now myself is this :-
When you downsize get the smallest garden/courtyard/balcony you can (or a shared garden that is maintained by a resident's committee) and if you're a keen gardener get an allotment or volunteer in a community garden. It makes for social exercise and, when it becomes too much you can turn off the responsibility like a switch.

Stairs in the house are a bad way of keeping fit. Don't have stairs and get your exercise in other ways - walk, swim, cycle, join a gym. You can't magic the stairs away when they become too much.

Keep fit. Above all else - keep fit. Get strong young and stay active and strong. Don't think you can get fit when you retire....it gets harder to get fit and build strength every year.

Build a good network of friends, family, tradespeople around you.

Future proofing your house is a good plan, but shit still happens. The most useful person you can find is a good, local, reliable handyman/woman who will help you when your window breaks/drain blocks/mattress needs to go to the tip.

Really interesting/useful thread, OP.

My big takeaway from watching my parents is that ill get myself set up for the old age stage of life around the 78-82 bracket, if I'm still around. Both my DPs and PIL were lucky enough to be living life pretty much on their terms throughout their 70s. By early 80s, it became very clear that old age was on the way. In my DMs case, she's missed the window to make a positive move to something with more support, nearer me, and now would find it much harder to do as her faculties want and changes become much harder to manage. A few years ago, she'd have moved and been friends with all her new neighbours and running the local club.

*faculties wane

Based on my ILs don’t live somewhere where public transport is dire, or you’ll be stuck when you can no longer drive. Or more positively be like my neighbours and live somewhere where you can walk to the pharmacy, supermarket, GP, church etc.

Simplify everything. Get rid of all the generations of accumulated stuff. Make sure you organise your money so you have enough to pay for care, the care system is broken so unless it is fixed, you don't want to have to use it. PoAs, wills, letter of wishes, funeral planning. Swedish death cleaning should be your aim.

If you are not fit, change that now. Flexibility, mobility, strength are vital. Look after your heart and your brain. Your husband needs to look after his prostate. If he hasn't had it checked, do that now.

Decide what you will do if you are diagnosed with a terminal or life limiting illness, especially if you have cancer or dementia in your gene pool.

My experience of looking after ill and frail elderly parents, is that whilst there are joyful and enjoyable moments, most of it is a grim slog, stressful and traumatic. It is hard to not be broken by it.

I’ve removed evidence of ex-boyfriends, taking them out of my photo albums (recently, they needed a good sort out as I hadn’t put dates on them and I wanted to get them in date order just for my own memories so I did it then) and getting rid of letters. DH has never seen them, we’ve never really spoken about them, it’s not top secret really, he knows I’ve had exes (he only had one) but just one of those things we’ve never really talked about and I’d rather not put him and the DCs in the position of wondering who the random men in old photos with mum were if I were to die first or of we had both died they’d see them. Or reading letters which were obviously private. There was one in particular that I found hurtful and upsetting to see in old photos and was very happy to shred his image.

I think things have changed now, toilets and a potential bedroom room downstairs are very important, I’ll definitely count a cleaner as a must have (mum has someone come in every two weeks and the difference is mind boggling). I think the people who say they won’t rely on their kids for anything at all should reassess in the future based on their children’s thoughts, we love helping my mum and moved in with my dad for a year when he was dying- some kids want to help and would be bereft to hand it all over if it didn’t need to be

Sadly we have lost three out of four of our parents very suddenly and not had to deal with any caring or decline.
My df is the only one left and is very good for 87. All we do for him is take him one meal a week. Fortunately we live 5 mins drive from him. We have discussed with him what could happen if his health declines. He has a room downstairs where he could have a bed if needed and space in a utility room where he could have a downstairs shower or wet room put in. He has his file of useful papers etc to make things easier for us and POA in place.
I agree with others how important POA is. I work for a charity for older people and have seen the problems people have where one is suddenly taken ill and the other has no access to money. Also things like tenancy agreements being in one persons name can be tricky. I have a client at the moment where only the wife is on the housing association tenancy and she has gone into a care home. The husband cannot claim any housing benefit etc without the tenancy in his name and the HA are taking ages to sort it.
Myself and dh want to relocate somewhere more suitable as our stairs are steep and dangerous but we can't move really until df is no longer with us we want to move to another area. My brother lives over 2.5 hours away and does not drive. We ahve discussed how realistically he is not going to be able to help when dad needs more help.