what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

Stairs keep you healthy
My Dad is 95 and still uses stairs even though a stairlift went in last year for my DM.

Our work in progress for ourselves is:
Declutter paperwork and stuff.
Get house maintenance in good order while still have energy.
Simplify financial affairs.
Work out who can help with admin as my DC won't be able to.

Two lots of elderly parents here, both now widowed, both living a long way away in large houses full of stuff. Tbh yes it's hard on us as sandwich generation, on the other hand I think my parents and dhs parents have had very full interesting lives as a result of NOT downsizing and that has been to our mutual benefit.
My father is 92 and very independent still, walks a lot, gardens, shops for himself. His friends who downsized seem diminished in comparison, living very "simple" depressing lives and almost too scared to leave their small houses. His house is big enough to have visitors and that's actually really important for him. Going up and down the stairs is also good for your brain So what if it's all a muddle. I think the stuff keeps him busy. He has been sorting out old photos recently and enjoying looking at them and is planting up a new area of garden. He has the funds to pay for help and has a cleaner. If he was complaining and expecting standards to be higher I would think differently but he just likes the space, his familiar possessions and seeing people.
i think it's about funds really, using them to facilitate care and how the rest of the family lives. Grandchildren and grownup children coming to stay isn't possible in a small house. The family house as a meeting point in later years is underestimated.

However I do think sorting out maintenance and smartening things up, painting, decluttering streamlining in your 60s is perfectly sensible repairs, functionality that sort of thing just not downsizing per se. The decor that seemed charming and familiar in my 40s now is just plain grubby and falling apart when i visit my father. I think an overhaul when you are 60 in a very good idea - new kitchen and carpets if they are needed that sort of thing. My husband's parents did that at 70 and it has lasted well into their 90s. But keeping a garden and guest/entertaining space was incredibly important and my FIL is only now at 94 got a carer coming in. He lives abroad

Interesting post, @Nettleskeins
I would say, moving to a house with capacity for a downstairs bedroom (dining room) and washroom for emergency use- hip or knee replacement. Stair lift possibly but you are stuck either its ugliness afterwards 😬

Locating somewhere that works while you have time to build local connections- volunteer, church, U3A, WI, whatever. Geographically convenient for visitors.

Reduce stuff. Both our parents’ homes are trip hazards. Massively reduce furniture that has gently accumulated, declutter as an ongoing lifestyle.

Develop some home based hobbies as well, in case you aren’t able to get out. Puzzles, books, cooking… DM can’t sit and rest and enjoy. She has to be entertained like a toddler- taken out and about. All she can do is talk. And she does.

100% agree OP. This month we are going to be on our own in a very similar house to yours. We are looking to sell in 5-10 years, but may depend on whether the kids come back and for how long. As we are in London it’s very likely.

We are talking about location, but haven’t considered much more than that. Getting rid of clutter will be part of it. To be fair we aren’t bad there, but going from our big house to a smaller property will undoubtedly be a challenge. My dad periodically tries to offload stuff on us, and I’m holding firm!!

Either downsize to a bungalow (in good time, not when you're mobiity is already reducing) or make sure you can fit a bed in the downstairs of your current home. I'm not in any way convinced that such a thing as "bungalow knee" exists so please don't come at me with reports/links saying it does. Millions of people the world over live on one level.

Also think about having a Respect form.

Get your admin and financial affairs in order.

Oh gosh. So much.

Keeping fit and active for body and brain
Keeping up with friends and hobbies
Making a decision before the worst happens, what to do in various scenarios (eg. DH dies before me, to move out to a smaller more manageable place)

Swedish Death Cleaning.

Communication with my DCs about my and their wishes

All the usual stuff, updating will and executors now dc is an adult, POA.
Declutter, planning to sort the house (decorate, new carpets, get everything 'fixed')
I'm also compiling a 'death file' (I'm perfectly healthy and active in my 60's) with details of all bank accounts, investments, passwords, how the household 'works' (window cleaner, how to clean and descale dishwasher/washing machine, when the boiler needs servicing). Wishes for my funeral, who to invite. Letters of wishes for specific possessions.
When my father died, all his affairs were very straightforward, it was painless sorting things out after his death. But my PIL's were very complicated, plus they were hoarders and it was painful watching dh and his siblings work through it all.

I moved aged 60 to a house with a downstairs bathroom so I can live downstairs if my mobility fails. I was going to remove the bath and just have a walk in shower but the price quoted to do so absolutely floored me and my SIL (who is an elderly advocate) said that occupational health would fit any adjustments if I got to the stage of needing them, so I have left it.

But I must sort out a POA and a will.

Stairs are good exercise, but when an elderly person lives alone they are a hazard because of instability and giddiness. A fall down the stairs is a disaster and outweighs the benefits of stairs.

I saw my poor Mum caught as a "sandwich filling" (having an actual nervous breakdown while looking after multiple older relatives and us kids) and this is why, or partly why, I didn't have kids myself. I looked at the multitude of older relatives I had and how few kids there were in my generation and saved with enthusiasm in case I had to take years out of work.
I didn't need to in the end, but the money was used to retire early (being well aware you can't guarantee long life and good health) and sort out the house. I have a staircase a stair lift could go on, I moved the washing machine upstairs so we're not carrying baskets up and down stairs, we have a shower we can walk into, we have pull down baskets in the kitchen wall cupboards. We live near a good bus route and the local surgery.
I see the elderly relative I now help out, with more money than she'll ever need (which is handy for her, yes, but...) and make sure to do the things I hoped to do in retirement . Spend a bit of my savings on things I can tell my own carers about!
And - having no kids - I try to be very nice to the nieces and nephews ;) They may be the ones finding me a care home that doesn't smell of wee !

agree stairs remain an important mobility aide.

agree a home large enough to host family is important.

I think the size of the home isnt as important as the contents. So I have and will continue to keep decluttering as this is an ongoing lifelong task. Never leave it to someone else and don’t wait too long because then you can’t do it yourself.
wills and accounts in order and in a file
don’t be stubborn about change and not saying “but we always”
keeping up with technology
drinking less and weight bearing work/ exercise. I plan to be just as mobile as
my parents were ( mum died at 80) and are (dad still alive at 91 and and still using his stairs)
keeping engaged and nurturing relationships with dc and family and friends. Keep working on building and maintaining an infrastructure to our lives.

Start now clearing out your clutter and make sure you have a will and POA set up. I'm out the other side of clearing my mother's house and it took us weeks and weeks. What I did notice amongst her friends was that suddenly everything became an emergency as they hadn't thought about making plans and then you don't always get to live where you want.

Lots to consider here.

Definitely thinking along these lines, like you I’m mid 50’s uni age kids but only 1 elderly parent who is luckily close by. I’m looking for a house with downstairs bedroom, bathroom but still room for 2 young adults who will come and go. Finances are in process of getting sorted, just waiting for youngest DS to turn 18 then wills and POA’s will be done. We all have funds in our own name if anything happens in the meantime. Expecting 1 DS to stay close (ASD) the other one will fly as soon as he is old enough, DD already settled only 10m away and can’t see her going further.
Planning gradual retirement over next 2 yrs to be able to enjoy it before it’s too late. Just need to get DH on board as he doesn’t yet want to slow down. He is also a hoarder and not good at planning ahead so I need to gently push him along to get his stuff sorted. If he doesn’t it’s all going in a skip.

In terms of what we’ll do differently:

• stop drinking (we don’t smoke)
• focus on developing and maintaining muscle strength
• focus on having a great diet and maintaining ideal weight
• stay in our family home surrounded by community, GP and dentist and good transport links
• keep doing something mentally stimulating, always, whether work, volunteering, learning new skllls, etc.

Making choices that drive a healthy old age is the best thing we can do for our kids. We won’t downsize as I plan to be able to negotiate stairs (my mum is as agile as a mountain goat in her 80s) and I always want my kids to have space to ‘come home’ if they need to.

I know how stressful it is to deal with infirm and unwell relatives, but it can be a slippery slope to assume it’s inevitable and make choices that will curtail the enjoyment of your own life, and resign yourself to it.

My parents have generally done things well, we are in a crisis now but it is not one that could have been foreseen. They have stayed active, stayed in their big house with a gardener and kept it maintained, they have reliable tradespeople they have used for years, they know all the neighbours, it's close to bus stop, surgery, pharmacy, local shops and they were throwing parties there till their early 80s (and to be honest that stopped more because they had outlived a lot of their friends than because they couldn't do it). They have a stairlift, have wills, LPAs, funerals booked. Clutter is a work in progress but it's not dirty or hazardous, just that they have a lot of storage space and it's all full. They have always had a lot of hobby groups, church etc and exercise regularly.

Whilst not sandwich generation, we are involved in elderly grandparent care. Something my parents are actively doing (after the stressful loss of my grandmother and everything been a mess) and we are really trying to get MIL to do are:

POA for both health and financial sorted. Plus making wishes for treatment known where there are terminal/ degenerative conditions. Grandmother had dementia and never got POA sorted. My grandfather was a mess emotionally when it came to making decisions regarding end of life care/ hospital treatment/ treatment options for infections ect. He really needed someone else to help make those decisions and it led to lots of family arguments over best course of action.

Sorting through paperwork (pensions, savings, investments made over the years ect) and ensuring people know who to contact/ where to locate wills ect. Plus making sure bills ect are in both names so things like electric/ gas/ water companies are easier to transfer to the living spouse. We had issues when DHs grandfather died leaving GMIL a widow and all the bills/ finances/ car ect were in his name. GMIL had no idea where half the money was, when she finally got through all the paperwork he had savings accounts and investments all over the place and as they were in his name no-one would speak to her on the phone. She had no idea about sorting the bills or car as he dealt with it all. Again had her name also been on the bills they would have spoken to her.

Redecoration during younger years and thought through for the future. My 90yr old grandfather's house is an absolute mess and in need of serious renovation and redecorating. He cannot face any redecorating or renovating. Instead it's all threadbare carpets, kitchen with doors half hanging off, shabby furniture, leaky bathroom - taps/ shower/ under bath all leaks every so often it's all at least 30yrs old. He patches up but will not invest in a new kitchen or bathroom. The carpets are threadbare but he puts rugs over the worst parts which are trip hazards but won't have a new carpet. He just says he cannot cope with anyone in the house or the dust or noise. My mum and dad turned 60 a couple of years ago and are currently redecorating everything and looking at downsizing to a bungalow.

Serious decluttering. We are dreading the day grandfather dies as his house is 90 years of accumulated stuff. It's a big house with a huge loft and lots of outbuildings and 2 large barns. Everywhere is stuffed full of furniture, niknacks, ornaments, clothes, vehicles from years ago. When his own mother and father died he basically moved their entire house and furniture into an outbuilding rather than get rid. He did the same when my grandmothers parents died in another outbuilding. My own parents have started decluttering already. My MIL is a nightmare horder and thinks we are going to want every single competition rosette she has won over her 50 year + horse career.

My parents passed away in their 90s. My mother spent the last 6 months of her life in a nursing home and half of that was on palliative care and free. She was partially sighted and became blind in her late 70s. They lived in the family home with some amendments for my mother. My father passed away in his mid 90s and only used the stair lift for about a year. He had to have it adjusted at the turn of the stair so his knees fitted round. He had organised everything well, apart from the need for new fencing and removal of an asbestos roofed outbuilding. I think they got the balance right all things considered.

My FIL passed away in his 60s. He left money to his children as well as to MIL. Despite living a life of luxury, the PILs were not that well off. Still had a mortgage on a huge house. With hindsight, leaving money to his children and still having a mortgage might have been the start of MILs penury. Additionally, she could spend, spend, spend as he did. In her late 80s she became unwell and started to decline. DHs sisters decided she should move closer to them and - effectively - away from being near BIL and a bit closer to DH. It was too much for her and speeded up her decline. The 4 bed house she bought when she was 70 had massive equity release. SIL 1 said it was cluttered but it wasn't that bad. Much of it was boxed stuff from the move that was in one room and was paperwork. There were also lots of gadgets - foot spar, soup maker 🤣

My takeaway from this is, that moving MIL was expensive and not good for her. Advice I'd give, avoid equity release, live within your means. My parents may have been too frugal and maybe should have splashed out on a few more home comforts.

This is how I feel. There are plenty of ways to stay active without stairs. MIL didn't fall down the stairs but for many months has been hugely lacking in confidence going down/up because of her general frailty. They are having a stairlift fitted. Their house does not have a downstairs bathroom/shower room, just a loo, and so she really needs to manage stairs. When they moved into this property about 20 years ago (so when they were in their early 60s) the family did question whether a big detached house with 4 bedrooms and a garden was what they needed but they insisted, and it's now too much for them in terms of maintenance, cleaning and getting around.

The house we are currently in doesn't even have a downstairs loo, and no obvious place to put one in. It is not a common feature of houses round here, which were all built in the same era.

I also very much agree with staying active mentally, seeing friends, going places.

I'm 62 and on this mission. I already have a will and POAs in place. Currently I'm decluttering after losing DH last year. He was a bit of a hoarder and he also brought tons of stuff home when his own dad died a few years back as he "couldn't bare to get rid of it". It's so much work and I don't want my two DC to have to have the same problems.

DC are both young adults and at home, but once they leave I hope to move to somewhere much smaller. Maybe a retirement flat or a bungalow. Somewhere I can manage to keep clean and tidy without too much help.

My own mum is 89 and still lives in our childhood 3-bed semi. She's confined to downstairs due to mobility issues and she's too frail to do much housework or gardening. The house is dirty and outside is falling into disrepair. Although she can easily afford help, she seems to expect me and my DB to do her gardening and house repairs. DB lives a few hours away so things often fall to me, but I'm busy as a widow trying to keep on top of my own stuff (plus have my own health issues).

I don't want my kids to feel they have to do things for me once they've moved out and are setting up their own families. I hope to not become one of those people who refuses carers or helpers and insists family must do it.

Plan for when you can’t drive and need hospitals. Live somewhere easy to get paid for care and get stuff delivered. Ideally about 3 miles from your most competent child.

My DH and I are 50 and 60. Both of our families are long-lived and our parents stayed relatively healthy/or still are, into their 80s and 90s.

A few years ago we moved from a village to a small town where we can walk to shops, restaurants, doctor, dentist, opticians etc, plus catch a bus or a train to a nearby city and other towns. If either or both of us are unable to drive this will be very helpful. Plus walking into town to do our shopping keeps us active.

We have our wills sorted out, but do still need to do POA. Particularly as my DH has siblings overseas and I am estranged from my only sibling.

We also chose our house carefully, and although 2 storey, could easily be just lived in downstairs if that becomes necessary. There's a bathroom with a walk-in shower and the living room could become a bedroom, and the open plan kitchen and dining room could be the living area.

There is still a lot to sort out - in particular things like passwords and access to accounts, bill paying, etc. But the important thing is to be aware and think about what might need to change. Some people are in denial about aging and ill-health, I try to be realistic.

I think the short version is remember my DC are my DC and not free carers, taxi service, gardeners, electricians… live appropriately- move in good time, and buy in any help that is needed.

Why 3 miles from your most competent child? I hope that is not so someone is always a finger-click away.