what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

This sounds so hard I am so sorry. I have had to make untrue ‘routine check up’ doctor appointments for mine to just get them in front of a doctor so I can relate.

The quote from PP: "As I have said many times on MN, hell would freeze over before we would let our adult children look after us."

The thing is, most organisations that are concerned with conditions, living arrangements, in-patient care, or treatment for older people don't take that same approach. They don't make it all that optional if their service users have become vulnerable (especially if suddenly) but do have choices, and are still in contact with blood relatives.

That is true and an absolutely terrifying prospect for those of us who will have zero blood relatives.

We are a DIY house with loads of tools an entire wall of cupboards if full of the stuff. I can do basic DIY but if DH slips off this mortal coil before me I will be selling most of it as he does full on trades type stuff that I’m not doing. We plan to move in a year to 2 years, I am older than DH and will be 61. We want a downstairs bathroom in addition to an upstairs one. Also want one a stairlift could fit in I don’t want a bungalow as I sleep with my windows open.

@ViciousCurrentBun My FIL is exactly the same, he’s created a proper workshop with all sorts of tools and equipment.

My in-laws are in their mid-80’s and my MIL recently told DH that she wouldn’t mind moving to a retirement flat (they’ve already found a local retirement complex that they like) but FIL doesn’t want to leave his workshop!

My DF, 95, is still using his workshop.
He would be very unhappy if he couldn't potter in there.

@TeenToTwenties Yes, it’s tricky. I completely understand both of their perspectives, because while I think my MIL is finding the house abit too much, FIL loves his workshop.

I was saying to DH that we should broach the idea of a cleaner as a gift from us.

Your LPoA for health and welfare is only as good as the person who you have named in it. If they are unable or unwilling to stand up assertively to the most arrogant of medical consultant in order to advocate for your needs then it really isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Many time's i've made the effort to contact the LPoA only to have them say "well what would you do?" or similar and i can only reply that i have to follow NHS best practice which is risk averse and not tailored to their relatives needs or wishes and that it is 'their' decision to make not mine. Just filling in the form is not enough, you need to make sure they fully understand the death and dying process, understand your wishes and are truely aligned to them and will remain so at the critical point in time.

As such I have an ADRT (Advanced decision to refuse treatment) for myself (i'm only 44 by the way so it's never too soon to set one up), as i don't want to rely on someone else who is making decisions on something they are unfamiliar with in a stressful situation.

The pp with the quote is me.
My children will not be looking after us. We can afford to pay for our own carers.
Social services/ council will not be arranging it for us. Our children have said they will arrange care but not do it for us.

I have no money - I wonder if anyone on this thread lives in social housing for example where choices are very limited; even transferral to a council ground floor property is very difficult to obtain. There are no “financial plans” or downsizing plans that are possible for me in that sense either. I do enjoy engaging in reducing unwanted possessions now though, when I’m able.

I do have a “blood relative”, young adult son, but to be honest, he is absolutely hopeless, even now! It’s a struggle to get him to feed my cat if I’m away for a couple of days. So I’m not sure a POA would be of much use and so I wouldn’t be relying on him.

My mother is nearly 90, is hanging on, and narcissistically delights in this. But we are very different people and I see nothing to emulate there. In fact, I do not want to hang on. Depending on my quality of life, I will make plans to be out of here when a negative outweigh the positives. I already have a chronic illness and I’m 65 - if I got a cancer diagnosis tomorrow, I would not want medical treatment. I would also consider a trip to Switzerland in certain other circumstances relating to poor quality of life and being a burden, as well. My aim is to enjoy what I can now, and do what I can now, until that’s not possible, and then…

@dodobedoI own a large, old house full of stairs and changes of level in the UK, and a bungalow in the sun. I spend about five months of the year at each on average. I can categorically state from experience that bungalow knee is a very real thing indeed. The body quickly loses a degree of ability to propel itself up the stairs, and both my DH and I have to attack them with some vigour for a week or two when we return to the UK, until the lost fitness returns. This would be in the basis of six week turnaround's on average. It's when you don't do stairs for a while and then have to again that you realise.

I'm planning on not being a bitch to my children's partners.
My PIL have always been a bit sticky but mostly masked it with good manners. With age that's slipped in the last 5 years and despite being around for 30plus years you'd think I was just DH's temporary fling.
Due to our jobs, I probably have the most flexibility to support crisis management, sadly that won't be happening. It is fuck around and find out that DH and his siblings can't just drop everything.

When downsizing think about having a spare room. For guests and when elderly, if you need family care, somewhere for them to sleep.

Then yes, you are lucky, and I hope that it works out the way you are projecting. Without trying to be a chest beating pessimist, at least be prepared to have some surprises that don't conform to the way you or your children expect they will, in dealings with any services on the way, though.

Yes, I very much appreciate that I am fortunate. However, children can refuse when approached by Social Services. In fact it is a good idea if they do so they don’t get relied on.

I am mid 70s -in a large house in the countryside -have to drive everywhere. However if when we need carers I plan to offer them the upstairs of the house to live in whilst we live downstairs. And to pay for taxis to get out o Casio ally.

@YelloDaisy that's my in-laws plan but in they're case I can't see it working.
My friend has had a busy house with lots of lodgers for decades, I'm an ex renter. He's completely used to sharing his kitchen, shoe rack, coat pegs and dining table.i can see it possibly working for him.

My in-laws haven't shared since the last kid didn't come home after uni. They are totally used to their own space, glad to see the back of visitors after three days. Things are done a certain way and we disrupt that just with visits.

They wouldn't move someone in unless they were broken, at which point it's too late for a casual keep an eye, check in before/ after work outside the home.

MIL seems to think someone would be there from 6:30am till early bedtime 9.00pm 7 days a week and be grateful for a back bedroom with a shabby shared family bathroom. It's not going to happen. I curse the solicitor, flattering them 10 years ago that planted that idea.

Ours would have the best bathroom and lovely sunny rooms, one converted to kitchen