But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

I have 3 siblings, one who lives locally and drives so can get to mum in less time than it takes me to walk but she only does something if pushed.

100% you deserved your holiday. Probably not want you want to hear but why have you made yourself your DM carer?, if she can manage a week with external help - and make herself a drink and some food - then she can do more to help herself on a permanent basis.
The more you give the more she will take - oh and I'd tell your family to fxxx right off!

I would stop being an official carer for a mostly capable adult if I was treated like that.

I was quite happy to help her but it’s become a case of me doing more and more and everybody saying that I’m her carer so they don’t need to do anything at all for her. We tried a couple of weeks with carers instead of me and it was a nightmare of incompetence. She can’t afford it long term anyway. Social services won’t provide any care because she can do all her own personal care. What she needs is a lot of emotional support and I haven’t always got the capacity for that. It was 11 hours home yesterday with cancelled trains, limited phone signal, and trying to get her to A&E from afar with my siblings just washing their hands of her essentially. I’m a single parent and was travelling with two of my ND children and am also ND myself. To be accused of abandoning her has pissed me off so much. I was hundreds of miles away on a train ffs. I’m just venting really.

Cancel any money transferring to yourself and resign as her official carer it’s just a poorly paid stick to beat you with.

Cancel any money transferring to yourself and resign as her official carer it’s just a poorly paid stick to beat you with.

She has a chronic condition that means she’s physically disabled and mobilising is very painful. She walks with a wheeled frame but does struggle to stand and cook. I got her the parsley box catalogue and she threw it away. I’ve got information of a local hot meal service and she wasn’t keen on that. We have these weeks of leaning on me far too much and then weeks where she’s pretty great and getting on with stuff. This is one of the shit weeks. She’s admitted to not doing her exercises whilst on holiday which is partially why she’s in a state today because the exercises are as important as the medication . Grrrr.

Buy dm a calendar.. Add in every third day as you helping. Add in 2 siblings the other days.
Not your fault if they don't turn up. Let dm nag them.

Do what your siblings do. You're choosing this and you'll burn out.

Stop. It’s that simple.

Tell your mum and family if they don’t think you’re doing a good job they can sort alternative arrangements (that will cost a lot more than £2 per hour).

My family have always found a stick to beat me with. I’ve always been the family scapegoat. I’m NC with most of them as a result. Mum excuses the others because “they work” Yeah, they do, part time, and have cars and no dc at home. Their dc are all adults. They just say they can’t do anything and it’s my job.
Mum had just increased the amount she paid me when she realised how much paid care costs but it’s still only £2 something an hour. When I said that nobody else works for that amount I just got the but you’re my daughter. So is my sister your daughter but she’s never expected to do anything.

Get her a batch of M&S (or similar) ready meals and she can have these. You need to stop trying to be superwoman, you are going to be ill!

I think you need to step back, focus on your children and your own financial and emotional health. Your children need you to help them to become good people with qualifications and the resources to pay for further education. What is happening with your own pension savings and career trajectory? If the answer is ‘nothing’ then you need to realise you are looking at poverty in old age. ‘Love’ and ‘duty’ (while the rest of your family feather their nests) does not put a roof over one’s head.

Stop doing it. Give her one day a week and work so they can’t impose and then be ungrateful. Very nasty of all of them.

Yes this. If you fear accusations of selfishness, just tell everyone the rent or mortgage has gone up so you have to get a full time job. Then, just go and get a job where people appreciate your kindness, sense of duty and sheer hard graft.

It sounds very hard. I would say though if you are being paid by your mother for looking after her , even if it's not a fair rate , that may well blur the edges with siblings etc (ie Oh but Dormit is being paid to look after Mum). I'm not saying that's right - but I could see why it's easy for things to fall on your shoulders as "paid carer"

If I have misunderstood, sorry and strike my post from the record.

The irony is that if she were an actual paid carer she would receive 6x the hourly rate, plus tax credit, plus pension, plus holiday allowance and also work fixed hours rather than be on call 24/7.

Actually, come to think of it, the OP’s situation is borderline slavery, given that she cannot walk away and is being coerced by multiple members of her family.

Or even just say you've got a job, whether you have or not. I bet they're not interested enough to notice or care.

What a rotten situation for you OP!

Two options, as far as I can see:

1. go fucking nuclear on their arses. Tell them in no uncertain terms how pissed off you are about how you’re being treated. That you won’t stand for lies about what you do, and you won’t be disrespected. Especially by lazy arses who are doing jack shit themselves. They can shut up AND start pulling some more weight. It’s neither fair nor sustainable for you to carry on shouldering all this along. If anyone doesn’t like it, you’ll happily resign and they can sort someone else.

2. resign now, tell them you’re burnt out and can do no more, and let them get on with it.

I’d suggest being ‘ill’ for a week to let them discover what it’s like. But they did discover that last week and didn’t like it, hence trying to whip you back into line, doing it all so they don’t have to bother.

Don’t let them take the piss anymore. You deserve a life too. But you’ll need to be strong and ignore what they say. They’ll call you all the names under the sun. Just remember, it’s all self-serving for their own benefit. None of it’s true, so you don’t need to pay it any heed.

Just because a family member is a carer it doesn’t mean you get to pay them £2 a bloody hour. You are getting £80 for a 40 hour week?

that is ridiculous, elderly or not.

im sure if she paid the actual going rate she’d make her own tea and not call you for all and sundry. She’s savvy enough to pay you a pittance and not pay an actual carer.

you are getting blamed and scapegoated regardless. Might as well get you life back for the trouble

Is the £2 an hour because you’re claiming carers allowance for her?

Carer’s allowance is a benefit not a wage

I think the lines are blurred and POA has been brought up today as in well, you have POA so it’s your problem. Mum doesn’t have any issues affecting ting her capacity so POA is irrelevant. My siblings are just sore mum chose me but I’m the one who she can rely on for things and who knows her well enough to advocate for her. It was my sister messaging last night asking for mum’s medical info because she’s got no idea.
Ive told her she’s got to have the hot meal delivery. She’s fed up of M&S ready meals and choices are limited for someone to bring her a hot meal if she can’t do it herself. The problem is that things are changeable and when she has people do things that she can do herself but it’s easier to let them do it, she deskills and ends up worse. I expect being on holiday and having roast dinners brought to the table has spoilt her a bit. My sister wanted to know why I wasn’t making mum 3 meals a day. I make her lunch when I’m there but otherwise I’ve got my children to feed at mealtimes and she’s quite capable of heating soup or sticking something in the microwave or making a sandwich. She doesn’t need regular toast dinners ffs.

Stop it.
Your mum can pay for professional carers.
You are being emotionally and financially abused.

Sorry, I was speaking to mum in the middle of typing that.
Mum gives me her attendance allowance, or £400 of it which works out around £2.50 am hour based on the 35 hrs required to be an official carer. I do more than that so it’s less per hour. To pay someone, or rather multiple people, to do what I do a week, it would be costing a few thousand. I did start keeping a diary of my hours and in my week off when the carers were in I still spent 25 hours doing stuff for mum. Mainly coming and sorting out the shite carers.
I love doing her gardening and will spend 4 hours easy gardening each week. That’s £100 alone. Cleaning is around 3-4 hours. Then there’s meals, shopping and all the rest. It takes me an hour to get there and back. I go straight from taking my Ds to school, work solid, walk home, quickly eat lunch, pick up ds, walk home, make dinner, homework, showers, laundry etc then crash into bed around 9pm exhausted. I try to have one week day off and one weekend day. It doesn’t always work out like that but it’s an average. I did all her packing for her holiday, booked the holiday, booked the carers, booked a Waitrose delivery for when she got back, got her to get my sister to make her a meal the night before she went, and basically made sure everything was in place for her before and after and during her holiday whilst packing for myself and the 2dc. Yet, I’m not doing enough for what she pays me according to my sister.
I feel much better for a good rant, thank you. I’m off to find some chocolate!