DM died and no one from care home has expressed their condolences

[loopylou459]

Just that really.

DM died a four days ago in her care home. The only contact we've had from them was the actual call telling us she had died (which was very brief and matter of fact - was a bit odd).

called the next day to check whether the undertaker had collected her and they asked me to clear her room within three days. My brother then went to collect her stuff. No one from management or the care team spoke to him about DM while he was there or passed on their condolences. The manager still hasn't called us to do that (or at all) or sent a card.

It all leaves a bit of a bitter taste in the mouth. Yes I know it's a business but they looked after her day in and day out - you'd think they'd care enough to make a quick phone call or send a card. They spend plenty of time posting photos on Facebook and attending local events to market the care home. But no time to do a small act of respect for one of their residents.

Am in right to think this is a bit shit?

You are completely right and I'm surprised they've not done so. Very poor. I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also so sorry you’ve been treated this way by the staff. This is really not kind. This was your relatives home and they must have got to know her during the time she was a resident there! I’m sorry yoire having such a negative experience with them. Sending hugs x

Yes that's awful.

Very bad I think. My mum’s care home were lovely to us and a couple of her carers came to the funeral.

That’s horrible! I’m sorry for your loss x

That’s really,really sad I’m so sorry!

That is so horrible. I'm really sorry, for this and for the loss of your dear Mum X

I am so sorry you lost your mum and also sorry that they have treated you like this at such a terrible time. I'd be very tempted to put a comment on their Facebook page to warn other people. That is not a caring place to live.

that’s poor, we got a card and the owner attended the funeral with a couple of the carers. Just shows you it’s only a business to them I suppose

appalling. When my MIL died her main carer from the home came to the funeral

It’s very shit OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.

That's really poor. I'm sorry - I'd have to say something.

Some of my grandpa's carers attended his funeral.

So sorry to hear this. YANBU.
So sad for your family's loss.

That’s poor OP.
i am sorry for the loss of your Mum .

Good lord , I’m really shocked , even the vets send a bloody card . Do you think they might send flowers or turn up to the funeral ? Might redeem themselves maybe, very sorry for your loss op and yes it is poor , I’d be quite upset I think .

Maybe the staff assumed you’d been there when she died and that condolences were passed on then? My mum’s care home formed a guard of honour as she left - we wouldn’t have known if we’d not been there.
It is easy to assume the worst of people but maybe it’s due to you being distant - I’d rather know that they did all they could for my relative whilst alive.
You could ask to speak to one of her close carers - offer your thanks for their care and say how you feel.
As for clearing the room within 3 days - I think it’s fairly usual - it’s a business but also care home places can be hard to come by and it will help another family. One room shouldn’t be difficult to clear.
I’m sorry for your loss - don’t let this become the focus of your grief.

Similar happened to us with my mil. It was the end of lockdown. We had only just been able to visit her once, and that was a jumping through hoops exercise. But when she died they asked us to empty her room within a few days or we had to pay another month. Nobody came to the funeral (she’d been there 8 years). It was a shock. They’d been absolutely lovely while she was alive.

Yes that’s very poor, I’d expect them to have a process in place to make sure condolences were offered and a card sent, I think clearing the room in 3 days is pretty standard though.

I don't mind about the emptying of the room per se. It's more that when I called them the day after she died to check where her body was, this was the only thing they said to me. No kind words.

It's now 5 days since she died and no call, email or card from them.

It just seems very cold and uncaring and makes me feel bad for having put her somewhere where they can't even be bothered to acknowledge her death.

To the person up thread who said they may be planning to send flowers - I very much doubt it. And I don't even want flowers! I'd just like a quick call where they expressed their sympathies and maybe talked about DM a little bit and how she was at the end.

I m sorry for your loss.

They are desensitised to death, they witness it all the time. They may attend the funeral and express sympathies at that time.

Do you want to call and request details of her final hours?

They are human beings too, they may have thought that you had been sympathise with, or the staff on duty at the time of death may have switched over at an inopportune time, not realising that you had not been sympathise with.

I’m so sorry. That’s not good enough and I’m sorry it has made you feel worse.

It's very odd - I wonder if there's something going on there (summer holidays, staff sickness) involving staff changes and each thought the other had done it.
Ask about it when you sort her room out - you might help prevent a similar omission in the future.

Thats really poor. The care home staff were a big comfort to DH and SIL when MIL died, and four of them came to her funeral.

do you know who was on duty / with her with she died? Maybe ask to speak with them?

I had a very sensitive late night notification call, then the manager was sweet on the day we cleared her room and said that someone might attend the funeral - I didn’t actually expect that to happen as the service was to be held in the crematorium miles away in the next town but it was kind to say so. No one did, nor did they send flowers or a card but frankly I would not have expected them to - she had been happy and well cared for in the home.

Sending you and your family sympathy from here OP.

When my granny's body was taken out of her nursing home the staff lined the corridor and granny was covered in their nursing home sheet that has all the residents names on who've passed on.

If the home is part of a chain I'd complain to HQ. I would also leave feedback on the nursing home review websites of your whole experience so keep it in context but include this.

Thinking of you