DM died and no one from care home has expressed their condolences

[loopylou459]

Just that really.

DM died a four days ago in her care home. The only contact we've had from them was the actual call telling us she had died (which was very brief and matter of fact - was a bit odd).

called the next day to check whether the undertaker had collected her and they asked me to clear her room within three days. My brother then went to collect her stuff. No one from management or the care team spoke to him about DM while he was there or passed on their condolences. The manager still hasn't called us to do that (or at all) or sent a card.

It all leaves a bit of a bitter taste in the mouth. Yes I know it's a business but they looked after her day in and day out - you'd think they'd care enough to make a quick phone call or send a card. They spend plenty of time posting photos on Facebook and attending local events to market the care home. But no time to do a small act of respect for one of their residents.

Am in right to think this is a bit shit?

This sounds very uncaring. In a couple of weeks I would write/email expressing your disappointment. If you don't get a satisfactory response, leave truthful reviews on their website/CQC etc. Other relatives should be aware.

That sounds awful. I’m so sorry for your loss. The care home that PIL were in couldn’t have been more different.

My mum’s carers came to her funeral. I am sorry for your loss.

That is truly appalling, I’m so sorry. 💐
Same as a pp, my DM’s care home staff were very good, and two came to her funeral.

I would certainly make a complaint.

The actual care staff probably dont have access to your contact information but you might find some of the carers turn up at the funeral. If its anything like my MIL's care home the staff at the coal face dont have a minute spare to do these extra things and with it being school holidays they'll be short staffed.

Oh we had the same at my father’s care home. No card or phone call to me or my siblings who had been liaising with the staff every day for weeks while my father was ill. After several weeks, the manager eventually rang my mother. The manager said she had contacted us and we hadn’t replied which was not true. That was something that we were quite upset about tbh so I understand how you feel.

It is shit. I'm sorry.

You just want to know that your person was cared for and seen. It doesn't take much.

I don’t think you can be sure there’s no card yet - say they posted it 2 days after she died, and then here we only seem to get post deliveries twice a week now so it may be on its way.
Sorry for your loss.

Seriously??
If OP had no concerns about her Mums care... and her Mum was happy there then why the absolute fuck would you complain or report ???

Because it's disrespectful 'as fuck' and indicates a potential wider issue within the management team...or a simple admin failure. Either way, no complaint, and it happens again to someone else (not that that is the OP's issue).

I've worked in care OP and I would want to know if any loved ones felt they weren't treated with respect so I could acknowledge, apologise and make sure we could learn from it.

Really sorry for your loss. This doesn't define your mum's time at the care home and staff there would absolutely have cared about her.

Do you not have family, church or friends to express condolences to you? It’s not the care home’s role, although it would have been nice of them.

When my mum died, the care home phoned me and, as soon as they had passed on the news, in the next breath asked me when “the body” was going to be removed. I didn’t really expect flowers or a card afterwards but that particular experience was, as pp described it, shit.

I am.sorry this has happened to you. I hope it was just an oversight on someone's behalf . They may send a card yet or approach you when you are in her room. They may have been trying to be professional on the phone as perhaps not wanting to upset you . Were you generally happy with her care . Try and focus on that . Emotions are high atm but dont let it disturb you unnecessarily .

That’s awful. My gran’s care home were super nice and supportive when she died. I’m sorry for your loss.

Care homes are offering a service, they are a business, they deal with death regularly. The staff are desensitised, they see it every day. If it was a slow march to death, they will have anticipated it. They understand anticipatory grief.

Many families are relieved when an old person passes on, when there was no quality of life left. When you see death everyday, it changes your perspective.

Asking about the body and practical requirements is sensible. If another visitor or patient saw a corpse in a bed, it might unnerve them. Some residents will have dementia, they could walk into a room with a corpse and not understand what was happening. They could start talking to the person or try to move them.

The nursing home is obliged to take prompt practical steps. The staff attend funerals often, they may intend to offer condolences when it is practical for them to do so. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sorry the home has seemed so insensitive at such a difficult time.

I was with DM when she died on the Sunday afternoon. One of the first things I did was ask when they wanted us to clear the room and was told in no uncertain terms that I was to come when I was ready and if needs be they would pack everything into storage for me. The staff hugged us, some of them cried with us and offered us tea and sandwiches if we weren't ready to go home. We went back on the Wednesday and cleared her belongings then we went back again a few weeks later with cake and biscuits for the staff and bird feeders/bird food for the residents to have by the sitting room windows and again we were hugged and told to visit any time we wanted.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mum and wishing you and your brother strength for the weeks and months ahead.

I’m disappointed but not surprised that you didn’t get any messages of condolences from her care home. Same happened to me with my mum’s small GP practice (which she visited a couple of days before she died suddenly) sending me a callously cold email when I asked for her medical file. I’d mention it to them when you have time /feel a bit stronger.

Sending you much love. Take care.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother died during Covid and I remember getting a call saying there was “a bit of bad news” and that she hadn’t died of Covid, then a call 14 hours later asking when her body was going to be removed from her room. The coroner and the police coroner were so much more sensitive than the care home. Take care of yourself, it’s a huge shock.

So sorry for the loss of your mum, OP. The reaction of the care home does seem to be insensitive. It's an upsetting time anyway, without the seemingly uncaring attitude.
When my DM died (before Covid), the manager of the home she was in was so kind. Mum had only lived there for six months, but two of her carers came to the funeral and we were given over a week to clear mum's things from her room.

Well it's now been a week since DM died and still no phone call / email from the care home manager. DM was a resident there for 2 years. It seems bizarre to me that they haven't been in touch. They are paid up to date and her things have been removed and so clearly they feel there is nothing further to say. She was a number to them not a person.

Re the comments about care homes being desensitised to death etc - I'm sure that they are but a well run care home (as this one presents itself to be - with fees to match) should have a procedure around end of life which includes contacting relatives of deceased residents, if nothing else as a mark of respect for the person who lived there.

I will leave a review of the care home in due course and as part of that I will mention what's happened as I feel it is reflective of their attitude to the people that live there I think. They need to do better and it really wouldn't take much at all.

'...a well run care home (as this one presents itself to be - with fees to match) should have a procedure around end of life which includes contacting relatives of deceased residents, if nothing else as a mark of respect for the person who lived there.'

I agree, loupylou. I'm sorry that they haven't done better at such a sad time for you. As you say, it wouldn't have taken much. Even just a card left in the room when you went to collect her things...

Yes, this happened to me and I was there when my dad died. Someone came in while he was still in his bed, before the funeral director came, and told me I'd be charged every day until the room was cleared. Just complete coldness, no one expressed any sympathy or even reaction at all

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

How awful for you all while grieving I'm really sorry

@loopylou459, I repeat my question: do you not have family, church or friends to express condolences to you? Perhaps you are over-dependent on the care home for this aspect of your grieving. That does not seem appropriate.

Yes I do. You have misunderstood why this is important to me.