DM died and no one from care home has expressed their condolences

[loopylou459]

Just that really.

DM died a four days ago in her care home. The only contact we've had from them was the actual call telling us she had died (which was very brief and matter of fact - was a bit odd).

called the next day to check whether the undertaker had collected her and they asked me to clear her room within three days. My brother then went to collect her stuff. No one from management or the care team spoke to him about DM while he was there or passed on their condolences. The manager still hasn't called us to do that (or at all) or sent a card.

It all leaves a bit of a bitter taste in the mouth. Yes I know it's a business but they looked after her day in and day out - you'd think they'd care enough to make a quick phone call or send a card. They spend plenty of time posting photos on Facebook and attending local events to market the care home. But no time to do a small act of respect for one of their residents.

Am in right to think this is a bit shit?

Even if it's not from a place of "feelings" it should be written into their business process of what do when a resident dies. Its so unnecessary for them to conduct themselves in this manner and looks like their staff could do with some training surrounding this.

“They spend plenty of time posting photos on Facebook and attending local events to market the care home.”

So put a post up on Facebook to the effect that the home is very good at PR when it comes to getting in the money, but shows its uncaring side when your DM/ DF dies and no-one can be bothered to so much as express condolences, much less send a card. They’ll take notice!

A similar thing happened to us Op. I was with Mum when she died, The Manager was off. Two weeks later she saw me in a shop and asked if I was ok! No phone call, nothing.
The staff were useless and cold. Nobody asked when the funeral was. Mum was in there for two years, and I visited daily. They couldn’t care less.
I went the next day to clear Mums room, and they’d left a card saying “sorry for your loss”. Didn’t even mention her name. There was also a review card left on the locker 😱 I left it there.
I really feel for you op. It’s shocking. No humanity in many care homes.

I have normal emotions, but manage them myself.

You quite clearly do not have normal emotions by a societal standard as evidenced by your callous responses on this thread. Most of society agree that it is not acceptable for the care home not to acknowledge the OP’s mother’s death and extend condolences. You know this and you are playing silly beggars pretending otherwise.

Manage your emotions by yourself all you like, I do too, but recognise that you can do that and that it’s still the normal and right thing for a care home to do to give their condolences to the families of their residents when they die.

It is actually ridiculous that you are arguing otherwise and I don’t believe you’re posting in good faith.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry. What did they say in response?

Very flustered. Said would of course send flowers to the funeral - but funeral had already happened.

@BrickBiscuit again, you have misunderstood why it's important. It's not about MY emotions or feelings or MY need for support (I have that and don't need it for them). It's that it would serve as a mark of respect and recognition from them of the end of the life of someone that they cared for intimately for two years. That they can't be bothered to send even a one line email IS upsetting as it suggests she was nothing but an income stream, not a person with a meaningful life worth spending a few minutes to recognise and say a kind word about. I'm quite surprised that you can't see this but we are all different I guess.

There are two possible reasons for @BrickBiscuit’s response.

She either does understand, in which case she’s feigning ignorance as to why this is an issue and just being a troll

or

She genuinely thinks this is acceptable from the care home and you’re being ridiculous to think there’s anything wrong with it. In fact, deal with your emotions and stop expecting the bare minimum of human decency from the people who have been responsible for the most intimate of care for your mother in her last days…

Either way, not a nice person.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

Thank you @Somehowgirl

That's truly appalling. My dad died in a care home which we were not impressed by, during Covid when we had no choice but for him to be there. But even they offered us tea and a bit of sympathy, and I think they sent a card and a representative came to the funeral, I think. But at least they were reasonably kind when we collected his things.

You’re a piece of work and I’ve reported you. The OP’s mother has died, get a grip of yourself.

@BrickBiscuit okay afraid I think that you are deliberately misunderstanding the point I'm trying to make and so I don't think there is any point engaging with you any further.

incredibly bad practice. I’m so sorry OP.

What a bizarre response (plus all the others from you since this original one).

From Death of a Person in Care Homes (England) Policy:
https://bsc.croneri.co.uk/topics/end-life-care/death-person-care-homes-england-policy?section=5210&product=185&topic=3600

1. ”Identify any bereavement support, counselling or occupational health support needs of staff or other people using services who are emotionally affected by the person’s death or the events surrounding it.“

That conversation in itself comes with some kind of condolences.

So yes. It is the care home’s role and not a ‘nice to have’.

I own and manage a care home and one of my most important jobs is being alongside the family when a resident dies. This will always include many conversations the days after the death and before a funeral. I will normally send a card but not if I have been with the family many times in the days after. I also support the staff who are on shift (if I am not with them at the time) I will always attend the funeral to represent the home as our final mark of respect. The order of service is then shared with all staff and we have a book of remembrance which we often look through.
Sorry you experienced this, but rest assured not all care homes are the same xx

@TY78910 That’s an extremely helpful find. It’s a model policy, so not binding on a care home unless they have adopted it (though I wouldn’t be surprised if the statutory / regulatory environment imposes similar standards on all care homes). I would not be found to have any unmet support needs in such a conversation, and would not require it to be conducted in terms of condolence. Others above have indicated their needs are also met, but wish to have visible expression of condolence.

@BrickBiscuit just by googling care homes and bereavement you get hundreds of courses for management staff around how to handle the passing of someone which in itself implies that it is a standardised part of dealing with death.

I know you keep saying you don’t feel that you would need specific condolences. Our world isn’t built based on one person’s experience and feelings, we base it on the majority. In the same way that a headache for some can be excruciating, for some it’s something they can go about their day with. Just because you see care homes as just a place with a service, for many it’s where they leave their loved ones in the care of strangers who become a part of their daily lives. When someone passes, it’s a normal custom to align with someone’s pain.

Even a vet would afford you more respect and sympathy when they put a pet to sleep. @BrickBiscuitis doubling down and being ridiculous. There is no argument to be made in favour of the care home here.

I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last week. She was booked to move into a care home and when I messaged to say what had happened they offered their condolences despite only meeting her once. The care worker who had looked after her for just 2 weeks hugged my brother when he arrived after she had passed. Even the police were wonderful.

I think the least a care home could do is offer verbal condolences.

It’s not about you being ‘needy’ or not having outside support it’s them being unprofessional as they are in a supposedly caring profession. Treating your family member like a human being.