DM died and no one from care home has expressed their condolences

[loopylou459]

Just that really.

DM died a four days ago in her care home. The only contact we've had from them was the actual call telling us she had died (which was very brief and matter of fact - was a bit odd).

called the next day to check whether the undertaker had collected her and they asked me to clear her room within three days. My brother then went to collect her stuff. No one from management or the care team spoke to him about DM while he was there or passed on their condolences. The manager still hasn't called us to do that (or at all) or sent a card.

It all leaves a bit of a bitter taste in the mouth. Yes I know it's a business but they looked after her day in and day out - you'd think they'd care enough to make a quick phone call or send a card. They spend plenty of time posting photos on Facebook and attending local events to market the care home. But no time to do a small act of respect for one of their residents.

Am in right to think this is a bit shit?

Thats terrible of the nursing home. When my mum died they phoned both myself and my dad. Kept in touch with him for months after and even suggested bereavement groups for him!! Its basic common courtesy to talk to the relatives when someone passes. Sending condolences x

I agree that it’s shoddy. I work in housing and I’ve told my staff to not only express condolences, but to find something personal to say, “Bob our caretaker really loved talking to your dad about gardening” or something. We’re just a social landlord but any care at all difficult time is good.

We had one resident die in pretty terrible circumstances after a life that was chaotic. I met with his family member personally to express our sadness and to reassure them that we loved housing him, even though they assumed he was a nightmare.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Yes, very poor form from the care home. I am sorry for your family's loss and that they have been so remiss about this.

I dont understand why you didnt go to the care home. Why didnt you contact the funeral director?

Having just gone through this, your lack of a role makes absolutely no sense at all.

how often were you visiting her? Did her passing come completely out of the blue?

@DorothyStorm I did have an active role and I'm not sure how you have deduced that I didn't from what I have posted.

I visited frequently, as did my siblings. It wasn't out of the blue although happened much more quickly than expected at the end. We were all there a few hours before she died. She died in the middle of the night. My brother was there a couple of days later to collect her things. I couldn't get hold of the undertaker the next morning hence I called the home. And if I hadn't then I would have had nil contact from them since she died. That is the only contact there has been and that was at my instigation. They said nothing about her in that conversation other than her body had been taken and come and collect her things. That was it.

To clarify, I'm not looking for them to take the lead in the situation nor comfort me. The reason I'm upset is that no one from the home has made any contact with the family to acknowledge the death of someone they looked after for two years. As I said, it feels like she was just a number / income stream and they didn't actually give a toss about her as a human being. Which is upsetting for obvious reasons especially given we chose this care home.

That is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry.

This is an utterly shocking response. You are wrong. I hope you think on what you’ve said and come to see how wrong you are.

OP we also had 3 of the care home staff attend my grandmother’s funeral. On the night she died we stayed in her room with her for a few hours together and a few members of staff checked in on us and gave us a hug and their condolences, even stayed a while to chat. For what it’s worth my grandmother was an incredibly difficulty woman (read: total bitch 😅) to us and to the staff, and yet they all came to show us sympathy and care.

You are not being unreasonable.

Sadly your experience mirrors what happened when my dad died. All they were interested in was emptying and reletting the room. They wanted to charge for the unoccupied days, when I pointed out that his account was in credit and what refund was due they got very shirty.

Put bluntly many care/nursing homes are profit making businesses and they don’t care about residents and their families.

My condolences on your family’s loss.

Stop gaslighting the OP. Her feelings are entirely valid.

It boggles my mind that some people can be so strong in their convictions. This poster genuinely thinks they’re in the right here. That’s crazy to me. OP and others on this thread are absolutely right to be upset and angry at such responses from care homes. It’s disgusting.

So sorry for your loss op 💐

I have managed the deaths of several immediate family members and friends. I have appreciated any condolences from professionals involved, but never considered it contributing to my need for comfort. In fact if it was at all extravagant I might find it intrusive. My family and friends, and those of others I know, are the prime providers of emotional support to each other, to the extent that failure of any professional to comment in kind has gone unremarked and barely noticed. I wondered if OP lacked family support. In such a case, support organisations meeting might be more appropriate.

Sorry for your loss. Our vet even sent a card when we had a hen PTS. That's poor service from the home.

That is awful. My DF died in a respite home. Despite only being there for 2 nights, the staff were lovely. They put a beautiful rose on my DF chest, picked from their garden. I thought that was a lovely touch. Small things, do make a difference. My condolences to you and your family OP X

It didn’t contribute to my need for comfort either when we’ve been through this. I’m a very private person and deal with my grief inwardly. It is still absolutely the right and proper thing for the care home to extend condolences when a resident dies and I would have been appalled if no one had said anything about our family members’ passing. Do you actually think that the care home staff are behaving appropriately in not acknowledging a resident’s death and extending condolences to the family?

Your opinion on this beggars belief.

Having worked in care, there's a big difference between management and care staff in terms of involvement and communication. If you're able, I'd suggest you call in to the home and maybe tell them when funeral is going to be, etc? Trouble is that family members talk to management, and my management were rubbish at passing on messages from client families to staff. Management weren't the ones involved on a daily basis or at all, quite often.

I found it really hard just to have a client disappear between shifts, and then radio silence - when we'd built up a relationship over years sometimes. It was only if family members came in to thank us personally or say goodbye that we'd get a chance to pay respects.

When my nan died. We were flooded with condolences from staff and residents and their family. When they undertakers came the entire staff lined the corridors of the home to say goodbye. Everyone cried and hugged it was a huge emotional time. The care home had been amazing while she was dying. And didn’t only take care of her but they looked after us with tea , food and hugs. That’s how it should be. I’m sorry u have had this treatment.

edited to say. Two members of staff came to the funeral as well.

To me it beggars belief that someone would find it noteworthy that staff failed to offer condolences. Unless perhaps they lacked a supportive network. Support organisations might then be more appropriate.

Noteworthy? How on this earth does someone not acknowledge the death and offer condolences when they are literally standing there and dealing with the resident’s family members after their death?

Are you for real?

Our moral compasses are clearly aligned differently. The next time you are speaking with someone and they tell you a loved one has died, (even if they hadn’t been in your care for 2 years!) will you make small talk about the weather instead of offering your sympathies?

This is a basic human kindness and this care home has been looking after the OP’s loved one every day before they died for Christ sake.

That is not normal. When my OH died in a nursing home the staff hugged us and supported us and were kindness itself.

I am sorry for your loss and send condolences.

And for me it beggar’s belief that someone would find it noteworthy to post on here to say that! Op has just lost her mother fhs! She feels how she feels.

Btw, not everyone has a vast support network. Op may have, but either way, she’s not wrong to expect a little compassion from the care home.

I suggest you find some compassion and tact too.

And fwiw, any well run care home should have procedures for these things. It indicates very poor management and training that no one offered the op any condolences imho,

I find the exchange of opinions on this thread noteworthy. I would not find staff's failure to commiserate noteworthy.

Oh, my apologies. I thought I was dealing with someone with normal human emotions and a moral compass. Never mind.

You’re absolutely right. The same thing happened to my family after my mother had lived in the nursing home for nine years. I told them a week later how appalled we were.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I didn’t get any ‘official’ condolences from my DF’s care home, but every single staff member I saw expressed their condolences and/or sympathy, or were otherwise lovely. (Some just gave me a hug, for example.) That meant a lot and I can see why you would have hoped for something similar. Even a short email — which would take a minute to write and send — would be something.