Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

@ThatJadeTiger if you have not come across this website I will do my monthly public service and direct you to it https://outofthefog.website

Thank you. The best resource I ever came across, was a book called ' You're not crazy, it's your mother- for daughters of narcissistic mothers. It was so specific and accurate to my situation, so I can mention it on the link you gave me . Thank you again 🙏. I'm very much over my mother now, but to think people are still suffering and like it says'in a fog' thinking they are the crazy ones!

@ThatJadeTiger ahh yes the wonderful Danu Morrigan. I am signed up to her email and I swear every email she sends I wonder if she has been listening in and tailored the advice to my most recent run in with our mother. I have stepped right back for now but no doubt another issue will drag me back at some point. For anyone else needing it here is the link https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

my mother is 86 and it took me a long time to realise that the nature of the battle was different than what I had understood. I try and organise things to spend less time there. She tries to organise things so I spend more time there.

@EmeraldRoulette this is incredibly perceptive and very helpful.

Not related to the above, but I have a story that I've shared on MN before: My PIL retired in their late 60s from a skilled manual job (FIL) and from a job as a PA (MIL). Within a couple of years they had become deskilled and dependent on us to help them with the weekly 'big shop', drive them anywhere out of the ordinary and help them with their life admin. They have always been a bit 'old before their time' so we probably didn't question this as much as we should have.

The only respite we had was school holidays when they would go to stay with my SIL, her husband and their 3 young children (oldest 6/7) on the opposite side of the country. Both SIL and BIL worked, but they had a full time nanny. Found out after 18 months of this that SIL's nanny only worked term time and they were providing full-time childcare for 3 children, were insured on their car and merrily driving the children about to the zoo, soft play etc.

DH confronted them and they said they "deserved to be looked after" in their retirement and SIL could have her turn when her children had grown up. The cherry on top was that we both worked FT and 2 of our own children were still in primary school! I do understand that they were just trying to help their daughter and bond with their grandchildren on the other side of the country and probably were genuinely exhausted when they were back home, but I think the fact they'd lied to cover their tracks shows they knew perfectly bloody well how cheeky they were being!

Oh god yes no resilience that resonates . Mine when crying to me because she had a cold/cough I thought I was going to die and I’m not soft. Yes you are youve zero resilience and can’t sit with your feelings they all just come out in a big trauma dump on me.

like during Covid I’d FaceTime her every day so she had contact with us. “I can’t cope with this, it’s doing my head in” meanwhile I’m working from home full time with a child just getting on with it as it would never occur to me to moan at her.

Tough, I'm afraid. The world doesn't revolve around her. You have a busy life with your own immediate family, and don't have the capacity to be running around after her. If she's finding things "too much" as she claims to be, as previous posters have said, signpost her to people/places that can assist her. Don't feel guilty.

@BernardButlersBra it’s the deception as well for me. Utterly refusing any external help, refusing to engage with anyone or thing that would help her, me, siblings etc but lying that she expects us to muck in, whilst happily allowing us to do everything ourselves. Zero respect that we have our own lives.

What saddens me is the sheer volume of these parents and the sheer volume of us having to navigate it. It is fascinating really because I do think it highlights personalities. I have other elderly family living near my own mother who go to something everyday. Church things, bingo you name it. They look forward to it and have a great social life. Our mother refuses to engage because ‘it's full of old people’. Yet she will happily/miserably drain us with her moaning. Solutions are never right.

I have an 85 year old neighbour, out every day, doesn’t drive. She says ‘I’m alone but I’m not lonely’ because she’s put enough structure in place to keep her occupied. Both of her children live hundreds of miles away. She struggles with some bits of technology and I’ve given her a lift sometimes places, but she’d rather get on herself.

My MIL said she was ‘old’ at 50 and then refused to do anything. But would refuse any practical solutions as they were for ‘old people’.
we once stood and had a conversation with a neighbour of hers about all the activities she went to and how she went to see her sister on the train on the other side of the country and how easy it was. Afterwards MIL said she couldn’t do those things as she was too old. She was in her mid 50s, the neighbour was 94. You can’t win with some people.

How fabulous. This is the first time I've actually messaged someone who's read her work. You totally get it, and I'm extremely thankful 🙏. Now that she has died, it's so strange that I only remember the odd, good thing she did. Obviously being her daughter, I do look more and more like her, which tbh isn't such a bad thing as she was attractive for her age, but my goodness didn't she know it! People may think I'm repressing a lot of the damage and trauma. but I've been in therapy for years on and off, and have done a lot of reading and research and truly believe I've grieved and moved on. It's a real pleasure to have your understanding.

I don't think she has. They are Very Busy with their Very Important Man Jobs. I think l laughed fairly openly when she said the youngest brother Works At A High Level

I think everyone having their own life it's important yes. The confusing thing is she does have her own life, her social life is way better than mine! It's very when it suits e.g. going out for dinner, going on holiday, the cinema etc she's fine. It's when she needs to host, organise insurance, drive somewhere (but is more than happy for friends or family to do these things!). But don't all of us have to do stuff we don't want to do?

Correct. In a nutshell she can but doesn't WANT to

@ThatJadeTiger it's uncanny the parallels between your post, me and my mother!

Yes, my mum has had a thing about "being looked after" for a long long time. It's odd she married my father as he's so not that person. None of her subsequent partners have been either

I know this type. They don’t care to put themselves in the position of others, though they’re happy to complain about them. Meanwhile they have endless capacity to mentally and physically drain them.
There is no reasoning with them and no fully positive outcome. You just have to decide in your own mind what is reasonable involvement for you and stick to that no matter what she says. If that’s not manageable, then no contact.

Yes, the lack of respect is so galling. It's partly what has riled me up so much! That my role is running round after her and my quite young children shouldn't be the priority

Thanks for everyone's insights, suggestions and experiences. Sorry for the slow reply but l had a flare up in my illness and a deadline for a course lm doing so it's been more full on than usual. I texted her back in the end, stating l wasn't in a position to assist and suggesting how about if they tried a PA, gardener, delivery services etc. I didn't get drawn into explaining or justifying my response, combination of l couldn't be bothered, it will give her something to argue about (lots of l am "mean", "after all the things l have done for you" etc etc). I mentioned dates of when l next have annual leave for childminder leave and we will all be available. She texted back a while later not really acknowledging what l said, as ever she's rather avoidant especially when things don't suit

My DM was obsessed with being looked after and babied herself her whole life. She was calling herself a girl at 70. Yet she wanted to divorce the one man who did look after her. From being small my role was supposedly to look after her because she couldn't cope. She too thought she was resilient but she was the least resilient person I'd ever known. I eventually went NC.

Well done for trying to set some boundaries.

It's such an odd concept to me because, until that point, all the people I'd known from their generation and the generation before them had been quite the opposite and determined to maintain their independence.

My MIL was the same. She grew up in poverty but seemed to think she was destined for staff. She complained about every single task she ever had to do like no one else had to do those things. ‘Do you have to go shopping?’ Etc … well yes?
My BIL does talk as he is literally the only person in the country who goes to work and everyone else is just sitting at home. So it’s definitely a personality thing.

Please note the link up of your flare up to the stress you are under and what your mother contributes to your stress.

Mind yourself. Your body is warning you to look after yourself more.

Step back as far as you can from her.

Same op mine likes to be "minded". 80s. They have oodles of time too. My boundaries tight now if they not I be run ragged by elderly!

Just tell her you are busy, if she can manage her own social life, she can manage the rest of her life- if she pushes tell her that, you are fine organising fun stuff, you don't need help. When she mentions your brothers working at a high level- just say working at height is dangerous and perhaps they should consider a different line of work!

Honestly next time I would grey rock with

”You organised for your extension being built, you can sort those things yourself. I am busy in my extremely important high up job and parenting”