Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

Of course you can, with the person's consent. I did it for my MIL. Phoned up a home care company and arranged for a care assessment. We met the assessor in MIL's home. She asked questions to ascertain MIL's care needs, then explained what her company could do to assist and agreed a care schedule of carers coming to the house on a daily basis.

You may not do this as you seem to have a really good handle on it but fight the urge to overexplain or justify. A thing which resonated with me when I heard it was that if someone wants to understand then no matter how badly you explain they will but if they don’t you could put hours into the perfect message the perfect words but they don’t want to understand so they won’t.

Totally feel for you OP - my mum is 70 next year and is the same with the emotional blackmail and learned helplessness. Also refuses therapy.

There isn’t much that you can do - just stay strong, stick to your guns and pray she doesn’t move in down the road from you 😱

She doesn’t care what the ops life looks like, I’m not sure that will help. Op is there to serve this woman that’s what she believes.

I would send links to care agencies, Like Home Instead, or something similar. And say you're sorry she is struggling, but these agencies can help her; I wouldn't even mention how full on your life is, she will just brush it away.

Have you heard of JADE?
Don't try to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself. It helps you avoid getting dragged into arguments. She won’t be interested in your reasoning or want to listen.

Don't respond instantly to messages like this. I always leave mine a few hours if not longer, then you’re not responding in the heat of the moment. Then don’t explain or justify yourself, turn it back onto her.

"Sorry mum, I have the twins, a full time job and a house to manage so it's just not going to happen. I have my hands full. Let me know if you or auntie need help finding a handyman or a cleaner. "

And repeat regularly

I agree with this. I think you would be wasting your time and energy OP, she won't suddenly get it because she doesn't want to. She's only interested in what she wants, and getting you to serve them.

I would try to push back as much as possible and make it clear you won't be running around after her, while she's not that old and can learn to do things like online food shops etc.

I agree with you it's sexism @BernardButlersBra , with a healthy dise of narcissism and anxiety that no one is centering her in their lives due to having built their own. You seem to have your head screwed on properly at least.

You need to say no. She probably thinks you're an easy target. Point out all of the help she can get elsewhere and tell her you're too busy with all those things you've mentioned - twins are crazy busy, especially working full time and studying

Ah god I feel your pain! Mine is as bad. Can you do this, can you do that. Boys are asked to do nothing. Worked like a dog all week. Self employed had a really good week money wise. Mother is minted and then wants to know why I don’t sell unwanted clothes on Vinted. It’s like for fuck sake do you not think I have enough to do. 🙈🙈

You have the measure of her, OP.
You have my full admiration for approaching this head on when you can.
Loads of golden nuggets in these replies.
I’d be tempted now to only communicate with her via a group what’s app with your siblings.
Trust your judgment and always put your family first.

My DM is 71 and still works full time. Early 70s isn't frail in many cases, she's being out of order ignore her!

Can I just say that even if you didnt have twins, the point remains.. you have work, a life and commitments where you are. Compressed hours is full time ! It's just longer hours on certain days so you're probably more tired on the non work day too.
If she lived round the corner you could pop in the odd time and give her a hand with things but she's the other side of the country. So the work. Life, kids, commitments locally mean its just not possible.
So nip it in the bud, if she says you're thoughtless then just say "I'm sorry you feel that way but I have a very busy schedule so this position wont change any time soon"

Why does your Mum also think you need to do the same for your Aunt?

Sounds like you need a PA mum. They come for a few hours a week and can help with anything you’ve been struggling with- little errands, sorting cupboards, arranging appointments etc.
Would you like me to send you some numbers?

Funnily enough l was turning this over in my mind the other day, having twins / children is incidental in many ways. Even if l didn't have children l would work full time, wouldn't live nearby and have my own life

@BernardButlersBra What exactly is it that she wants? What things is she unable to do?

Not saying for a minute that I think you should help. I'm just curious. I'm going to take a guess this isn't health related.

my mother is 86 and it took me a long time to realise that the nature of the battle was different than what I had understood. I try and organise things to spend less time there. She tries to organise things so I spend more time there.

Neither parent needed help in their early 70s, but of course everyone's health varies.

What a nightmare. My mum is in her early 70s and still works full-time. She doesn’t need any help from me. More the opposite, since I have small kids.

If your mum is in good health, there’s no reason for her to demand so much help from you. Just say no. She sounds quite narcissistic.

It always seems to be the people who were pretty shit and uncaring parents when their adult children were young who have these high expectations that these same children will drop everything, including their own family responsibilities, to run around after them as they age.

There is no way that these cheeky fuckers should be pandered to at the expense of your own family and work commitments. They have obviously always been self-centred and entitled and that won't change.

Fuck no. She’s an entitled cow. Vent away, this is the sort of person the MN ‘complete sentence’ was invented for!

“D”M not DD 🤦‍♀️

And I’ve never heard of JADE but it’s pretty much what I do. Will go and read up on it thanks. I read about Grey Rocking on MN and I think that technique alone has saved my sanity.

Have a look at the site Out of the Fog OP for more info on that

Quietly just drop the rope. You have enough to do and not enough time to do it in. Your mother and aunt’s issues are not your problems to solve.

Some people find it hard to look past themselves.

I wouldn't offer reasons why you can't help. Distance, FT work and toddler twins are VERY obvious reasons you're not available so she's choosing to ignore them. I'd just vaguely sympathise "Sorry you're finding it tough" in this situation. I'd only use "unfortunately I'm working/ don't have spare annual leave right now" when needed as an excuse for a specific request.