Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

My aunt was similar
. I had 8 dc and she still tried to make demands of me. And I lived 50 miles away... She ' invited' me one Christmas.. As in come cook the huge lunch and give her carers the day off. I declined as I was due baby on Christmas eve... She never spoke to me again.
She died 2 years later and ft ejr entire estate to her carers...
As was her choice.
Felt no anger or guilt. My own family were my priority.. Shame she never sw that.

Feel no guilt you simply have no hours left to give op.

I would actually offer the reasons why I wouldn’t be helping. I would do it by email, if she uses it, so that she can’t pretend she wasn’t told. A very factual “I understand that you would like more help from me but these are the reasons I will not be doing that”. And then I would never entertain the suggestion again “I have already explained that won’t be happening”. Because otherwise this nonsense will keep cropping up and you’ll be trying to justify yourself for the next 20 years.

Yep, agreed. She's a hard person to reason with so l should nip it in the bud and save my energy

Text doesn't elaborate. From previous conversations the boring and mundane mainly. Like new house insurance. My auntie being emotionally demanding and refusing to fend for herself -like my mum but more so. She can do it but would rather not -hey, neither would l that's why my husband and l take it in turns to do it. Hence why l mentioned a PA

It's literally mental. I get 30-60 minutes a day to myself on average. When she was in my phase then she worked about half the hours l did, plus did less as well. I think as my husband is more engaged than my dad was then l have it "easy".

🤣🤣🤣🤣 so tempting. She would be absolutely raging!

Would be oh so tempting

I would just start leaving texts and voicemails unanswered for 24-48 hours - you're simply too busy to get to them. This is actually true, if you only have 30-60 minutes to yourself a day (how on earth do you cope?!).

Your situation is so factually incompatible with her demands that it would be quite easy to respond to each and every request with a "I'm afraid I won't have the time to do that for at least 4 or 5 weeks", or "perhaps, when the children are older and i have a bit more time on my hands than 30 minutes a day", or "we just don't have the time for that right now, you'd be better off asking someone else if you need a quicker response than I can give". Just be consistent and the message will eventually get through.

Yep, l have had the measure of her for a while.

Most confrontations and debates culminate in her losing her temper and shouting. In recent years l decline to engage with her tirades and temper tantrums which she hates

@BernardButlersBra don't engage. Don't justify otherwise you will spend the next 10 years or more doing this and get drawn into the drama.

I think this response is genius.

I think you need to tell her straight and avoid further conversations about this. “Sorry mum, as much as I’d love to help it’s impossible what with the twins, working full time and the distance….” 😣

Do whatever you like see and help your mum out don't that's up to you. But think will I feel guilty that I didn't do more if she dropped dead tomorrow.
If you can answer that question with - no I'd feel like I'd spent enough time saves made enough effort with her then great, carry on as you are. If not then maybe do a bit more.
I'm telling you this as someone who's passing the time on mum's net on the way to hospital to say goodbye to a family member. Luckily I can look back and say I did everything I could to have a good relationship with them.

She is a CF. This kind of thing was what finally fractured my relationship with my parents permanently. They used my grandparents for childcare and money all their lives and farmed is out to them and left us behind to go on holidays but never helped me with my children.

The final straw after years of CF was when I was working as a midwife one May bank holiday Monday and it was boiling and very busy. My 4 children inc a baby were at home. All my days off and leave was obvs used to look after them and my own home.

On that day I had missed calls every hour from my mother leaving urgent messages and when I was finally able to phone back she said “we are VERY disappointed in you! We asked you to come and shampoo our carpets and you haven’t done it!!!” I said “have you asked *John?” (my childless brother who worked Mon to Fri 9-5 as a luxury travel agent and went on all expenses paid holidays pretty much every other month to review luxury resorts) and she said “oh no I couldn’t do that - he’s SO busy!” I finally cracked and long story short went low then no contact.

People like your mother and my parents are users and believe they are entitled to be the priority and waited on despite never caring for others. Stand firm!

"Ha ha yes mum. In an alternate life where I don't work, have twins, am mid diagnosis for an X condition, and lived round the corner.... I could help a bit more"
"Instead of sitting around thinking about how I could help, and what a disappointment of a daughter I am, how about you remember you have 2 other children, and that you are also capable of organising help and support for yourself outside the family too."

this is what struck me.....you don't need reasons to say no.....you don't need to get together for a family discussion. You owe nothing to these women, not even an explanation...not even a response to the messages that annoy you. If they use the rest of the family as flying monkeys, tell them that too.

Sounds like she did F all for you and your siblings when you were growing up.

Write down a stock phrase as per suggestions above. Then copy and paste it into each response. If she keeps coming back at you I’d ignore. Along the lines of ‘I’d like to help but it’s not possible with looking after toddlers, working full time and the distance’.

Worst case scenario she’ll get the himp and leave you alone- would that be so terrible a punishment? She and your aunt do not sound like people.

It’s ok to say no, you have to prioritise your own health and family and as a mother it’s very unfair for her to put these demands on you. She sounds very similar to my mother in law, we’ve just had to take a step back from her because of how she is, there’s a lot of mental health problems with her. We don’t use the word “No” enough, such a simple word but so so hard to say, you don’t have to give an explanation after it either if you don’t want to, No on its own in just fine, if she doesn’t like it then that’s tough!

You could say to her that she needs to organize help in her home, by herself and pay for it, OR if she feels incapable of that, she can give you POA and full control of her finances so that you can organize it for her. I suspect she'd back off if you suggest this.

Can you make a family chat with your brothers in and only reply to her through that?

If reply along the lines of: Sorry to hear this mum but with the twins and work I just don’t have time to help you right now so I’ve asked my brothers if they can give you a hand.

I like the idea of sending a supported living space near a brother. Perhaps send it along with ‘I know you don’t want to hear this mum but I think you need to consider it. I know you love dgc and if you could you would be here every week doing a 9-5 taking them out for the morning and doing their lunch and nap like your mum did for you when I was little and it worries me that you simply aren’t up for that, I think you need to look at one of these places as they are there to provide the help you need.

I wouldn't get caught up in making her understand or justifying yourself to her. I'd just look at the basics of what she is saying, that she is not coping.

"Mum, as you know, with twins and full time work and the distance, I'm not in a position to offer support. However I hear you are struggling and need some help. I'd love to help you find ways to get that support. Here are some links to cleaning agencies (or whatever she needs). If that isn't enough support, maybe it's time to think about a supported living arrangements in a village? I've copied brothers into this reply in case they have any suggestions as to how your needs can be better met."

Do not give an inch.
Your aunt is nothing to you and I wouldn't entertain any of this.
Contactvthe boys snd adult care services, I amd drowning in work babies, health issues.

Thats it. No further discussion.
She doesn't add much to your life it seems.

“Mum you are expecting far too much- I have young twins, am unwell and have a full time job. I could do with help myself- I’m not able to help anyone else at the moment just like you. it’s also very selfish to send me these messages to wake up to on a Sunday morning. Have a think.” That would be my text back and that would be it.

I agree. Make a group chat with your brothers. Forward them all her messages to you and copy them in on all answers.