Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

You are allowed to say no.

You don't have to explain yourself to us or to anyone else, including her. You don't have to justify it. I know that saying no can seem like a really scary prospect, but in the end all we're really afraid of is that saying no will make us feel bad, and feelings are just feelings, they pass. And a bit of guilt is better than resentment. Taking on a burden of care that you don't have the space for will make you ill.

You've said she's got the means to pay for help, so you don't need to feel guilty, she's not stranded. She's choosing to strand herself. She's an adult, she can make her own life difficult if she wants to. It's not your job to save her from herself.

That's it.

My mum would prefer our help rather than pay someone else todo it. It is less about the money and more about not admitting she can’t, obviously we’d just be helping because that is what family does not because she can’t.

I have had to be quite clear about what we will and will not do.

My mum was like this. Telling me she could cope with garden but refusing to get a gardener or refusing to let me find her one either. I told her she had two options - hire someone or leave it. It cost me £30 in petrol to do the journey the her over 4 round hours. She ne happy forme to spend that but not happy to spend £30 on a gardener.

Every suggestion I had was met with "how the F am I supposed to do that?" I ordered her online shopping and paid for it as "where will they park?"

I offered to drive her to her sisters funeral "how the F will you do that?"

Eventually you just turn it around. I replied with your right it's impossible

This isn’t based on logic or facts though so it’s no good responding with them. Ops mum knows all these things she simply does not care.

completely agree. All together now , what are feelings not? Feelings are not facts.

Are you not tempted to reply

“ditto mum. Ditto.
I could really do with support too. Yet here we are”

@BernardButlersBra sorry but I cannot get over your dm demanding that you need to support your auntie more!! why is she expecting you to do this??? no way in hell would I be running to mothers at the drop of a hat for absolutely no reason when she is still reasonably fit, as for auntie, not my job!

It’s not your job to fix her life, provide entertainment and pleasure, facilitate a time table, be her therapist or any number of services dumped on women generally. She is perfectly capable, she raised two children, worked, and had a whole life before you even arrived!

You job is to take of yourself, your well being and that of your own children, your dependents, under the age of eighteen.

You’re a saint for not telling her to go F* herself and changing your number.

I wouldn't waste my breath with a long explanation why I couldn't help - just a "No I cant".

I don't understand why you even bother to engage with such texts. Just ignore and delete. You live so far away there is no possibility of you getting more involved in helping her or her care. What she thinks or wants does not matter because it is physically impossible for it to happen. Send her photos of the children to keep in touch and visit once every few months or whatever is possible for you given your busy lives.

She has a son round the corner. And you have toddler twins and a job and live nowhere near her. It’s downright sexism because you are the daughter!!! All your suggestions are great eg the handyman or supermarket delivery service. She is refusing to help herself

No. don’t bow to this. You are also not in good health.

Hahaha this

If your mum lives alone, then she probably needs help to see the need to down size which she will probably resist for all sorts of reasons she can’t even express. The stress for her to do this would be enormous on her own without support.
Getting into your 70’s is a scary time when you realise you can’t do as much as you used to and that things are only going to go downhill. She will know she is becoming vulnerable and unable to keep up. She will know there are scammers waiting to take advantage. She will know travel for her will only become harder. She is probably completely absorbed with wondering how she will cope in the future and looking for reassurance, hence the very unreasonable demands on you.

Your own situation is one which means you are unable to offer help in the traditional way she expects of a daughter, -except remotely. Your relationship with her isn’t going to suddenly change for the better but for your own sake, it’s good to avert problems down the line as much as you can now.

It would be wise to set up a meeting with your brothers to discuss your combined ideas of a plan and to arrange POA etc. She is able to live independently for now and hopefully for a good few years longer, but it’s good to have a plan well in advance that everybody agrees on, in case she suddenly becomes ill or has a fall etc. Maybe an old age plan will help settle her a bit more. At least it will let her know irrefutably, what you consider best for her, what is and isn’t possible and why, even if she still prefer you to up and leave your life to serve her needs and those of her sister!

If she won’t downsize, will she agree to close off part of the house and just use three rooms for example …fewer to heat and clean. Or maybe her sister could sell and move in with her. Or maybe you could arrange for a bedroom and disabled bathroom downstairs now rather than later, if you foresee mobility becoming an issue. I’m sure you will have lots of ideas between you all.

In the meantime, maybe your brothers can be responsible for helping persuade her to buy in help for garden, cleaning, maintenance as well as a weekly food delivery which you could talk her through.

Caring for our elderly is a massive problem which isn’t being debated at any level properly nor wiyh any proposed solutions - but it’s so much easier if there is money to throw at practical problems. The important thing is to plan well ahead and be on the same page as your siblings.

As for Auntie, hopefully she has her own adult children to sort her house and old age, so that’s happily none of your business.

Personally I wouldn’t even reply to her, she can demand as much as she likes but you’re not her mum or her employee so you have no legal obligation to her, and replying will give her some power. She’s no help to you so it’s not like you’re losing anything either.

The smart thing is to simply not engage.

The tempting thing would be to send her a text saying you are "finding things too much" and that her and your aunt are going to need to step up and "spend more time giving you more support..."

Yep set up a family WhatsApp group with her and your brothers. ‘Hi guys I’ve just had this from mum, with the twins, work and medical diagnosis I’m not in a position to help, are you two able to pop and help her out. Or mum if it’s really too much, let’s get the OT people out to do a care assessment on auntie cf as it’s shouldn’t be on you to look after her.’

You just need to rinse and repeat and have a concise reply to do that. You don't need to list everything to her, just "I am unable to do this due to my own family commitments", and then just say it every time. Harsh as it sounds, not everyone is able to run to family and look after them.

Good grief @BernardButlersBra your mother is totally unreasonable!

I am in my early 70s and I wouldn't ask my adult children to do anything for me. My daughter works and has young children so she's super busy herself.

I can pay for a cleaner, I pay a window cleaner and for someone to do the heavy gardening work. I do my own decorating but if I couldn't, I'd pay someone else. I do my grocery shopping online and have it delivered. I drive myself around and when I have to give up driving, I'll get taxis (no buses here). In addition, I care for my own mother (95 and disabled) who really does need help!

Please do not cave in to her outrageous demands and don't feel even the tiniest bit guilty. Sending you a virtual hug and flowers. 💐

I am yet to reply. I will reply when it's convenient and it works for me. It's going to be short but probably not sweet

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

I am yet to reply. I will reply when it's convenient and it works for me. It's going to be short but probably not sweet

Good for you!

“Mum, I can’t wave a wand and magic up spare hours to help you, but you can spend some money and pay others to help you. That’s the only option here, if you can’t manage stuff yourself.”

Fight fire with fire?
Send a text explaining that you were wondering if you could ask for more help from her, that you are struggling with health, work and childcare and were hoping she could step up as a grandparent more as you are completely stretched - ' but now I can see thats not really possible'.

This acts like a 'backfire', giving voice to your needs and making a demand on her allows you to set up a firebreak and reason for distancing yourself from her future requests.

Then get your brothers involved. Family meeting/family chat/communication.
'DM feels like this/needs more help, and is asking me - however Im pretty much in the same situation - unwell/struggling/ and needing family help myself. So how can we as a family deal with this?'
All messages and demands from her to a joint group chat so its in the open, all see what is being demanded, 'who can help' and much less opportunity for triangulation and gameplaying. Make helpful suggestions of what you can do from your situation ' I can arrange this service/book x' and no more. Any accusations of you being neglectful and uncaring and its evidenced for everyone in the group - all the things you have suggested and offered despite being under so much pressure yourself.

No advice. I just feel so sorry for you having a mum like this, she sounds absolutely awful.

I know the word narcissist is a bit overused in these forums, but she does actually sound like one. So hold your ground, and definitely don't let her near your kids. They're better off without her. As shit as that is.

Im surprised you've not gone NC if I'm honest! Although that is a big step.