Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

She is CF of the year! How on earth does she think that a full time working mum with toddler twins would have any spare capacity? I'd write down your weekly schedule and send it to her. I remember working full time when my children were small with no family support and it was more like surviving than living as we all went from one illness to the next.

Glad to hear you’re not going to cave op, let’s be honest we’d all like to offload the shit bits of life onto someone else… time is the most precious commodity. Don’t keep explaining why you can’t do something, tell her what you will do and stick to it. I can visit every 6 weeks, ask brothers to do the same mum and that will help. Then just repeat

Vent away. Sorry you're going through this. I think you need to be crystal clear on what you can and can't do and repeat it like a broken record but its so hard when the guilt tripping starts.

I would just say 'If you can't cope I will arrange a care assessment.' and maybe in advance plan a visit, every three months or so, 'I'll be there last weekend of july so we can take stock of the situation then. If you can't cope contact geographically close brother or Ill arrange a care assessment. In the meantime I am prepared to set you up an online grocery account.'

If she can pay for help then that’s what she should be doing.

So it's not me then 🤣 You can tell she didn't work full time or have twins. Plus her mum gave her a world of support. Getting through each week is tough and money is tight -our budget worked for a singleton but not for twins. Don't speak to be about the illnesses -we have had norovirus about 3 times in the last year! Last doctor l saw told me to pace myself, running round after another 2 able bodied adults isn't that

How infuriating!

Vent here as much as you need to and then send a very calm, factual direct message back.

Explaining why you yourself have no added capacity.

”But if you feel you are struggling we can discuss practical ways of you getting the support you need. I am your daughter and love you and care about you, but as you can see I am already at full capacity. Perhaps next time I come you , me and brother should have a meeting to decide support during the next few years, as I will not have extra time until the twins are in secondary, and I am not sure how my own health condition will be by then Have a great day, Love you xxxx”

The repeat, grey rock, repeat, “we have had this conversation Mum” grey rock and grey-rock on!

100% we would all love to outsource the boring or tricky tasks. She's always thinking of tasks for me e.g. clearing aunties house when she dies -l said no and house clearance companies are a thing. Auntie is a hoarder, clearing her 4 bed detached house could easily take a whole years annual leave and numerous weekends. My mum ALWAYS been inclined to be like this, she was the same when she was my age now, l think she thinks being in her 70's gives her more power to do this. I had already decided lm not hosting Christmas this year -lm already sick of running round hosting while people just sit there.

Every 6 weeks doesn't work due to the distance and work. We wouldn't get to leave until after 6pm once we have finished work, collected children and fed / changed children. It's a 3 hour train journey but we couldn't take the double pushchair as it's so big. If we drive then if takes 5-6 hours minimum one way which is a lot of driving for 2 nights. Plus l don't see why she gets to takeover our weekends -l would be annoyed if my MIL tried to do the same

I think you need to nip this in the bud or it will get worse in future, she seems to have no awareness of your situation and how unreasonable she is being

Can 100% afford it. Would rather l do it

Agree with the previous poster - nip this right in the bud. Have a variety of set piece statements that = “no”, and keep wheeling them out. Keep reiterating there are plenty of people that could help her (paid professionals who actually do this stuff for a living), so in making the choice not to employ them, she’s leaving herself without help.

What "support" is she asking for? What would she say if you asked her? Infact, I would ask her exactly what she envisages you doing for her, and what could your brothers do for her - and see how she answers. Then you'll have specifics you can decline for practical reasons and spell out to her how ridiculous she is being.

Quite clearly you can't do anything much from your distance.

Feel for you god juggling small kids too. Op do not entertain this our mam 80s it gets worse.. I told her people work now. Unfort the elderly have oodles of free time and think we all have it lol. Keep tight boundaries.

You could send her links to supported living places, ideally near one of your brothers. Hopefully she will be so offended if you keep sending them that she will stop with the requests.

Totally agree. At some point l will text back and follow up with an email "reminding" her how thinly l am spread! I couldn't afford to reduce my working hours, plus it would impact my pension. Plus we can't afford more childcare even with my current earning power. This could go on for 20-25 years and it's a want thing, rather than a need thing. I will try directing her to my brothers but she is way more polite and deferential to them. I get told lm selfish and thoughtless despite doing the most!

For clarity there are no cognitive issues, she's just very selective about the way she thinks about and remembers things

A family wide discussion will need to be done at some point l agree so everyone can have their say. I'm reluctant to put a timeline on it as l don't intend to be dragging myself on 500 miles regularly and probably will want a rest from intensive caring. Rather than taking on another commitment. She won't move here and we won't move there (we are settled with a mortgage, jobs, childcare, family, friends etc)

Do not give in to the emotional blackmail. It will never end if you do. Great idea to say that you will arrange a care assessment if she can’t cope 😂

You can't just arrange a Care Act Assessment on someone else's behalf!

You seem to have the measure of her and her sexist expectations of your servitude.

I would be pushing back hard with 'have you asked Fred/Jim to do this?' When she says 'they're so busy' I would say 'I have already told you I am very busy. Is the reason you ignore me because I'm female?'

She wants to bully you into submission. You are going to have to push back hard and repeatedly.

If she keeps going I would be honest with her and say 'mum, I don't have time to do this and your demands are making me not want to see you or talk to you.'

Really feel for you but you’re right, you do not have the capacity to give her time or money even if you did have the incantation.

I agree with asking her exactly what it is that she thinks she’s struggling with, that way you can offer solutions. My DD also refuses online shopping and said that she can’t carry shopping so we have to take her. The solution, we bought her a shopping trolley.

I also agree with looking at retirement villages and suggesting she moves to one or perhaps she could move on with your DAunt?

If you're feeling really brave and up to stirring things up send auntie a copy of the Swedish death cleaning book and some details of house clearance/ decluttering companies or suggest she tries to get on the next series of 'sort your life out'

Mine was at a similar distance (maybe 5-6 hour drive away), so saw us a handful of times per year. And couldn’t imagine what our lives were like. I got some
advice on here not to run around after her if she did visit - she’d come for a few weekends a year and it would be a nightmare running around after her whims, thinking of food everyone could eat and activities everyone could do - ranging from mostly sedentary elderly person who wanted to talk about themself to energetic toddlers! She wasn’t impressed at having to go along with what we were doing, which meant a lot of time sitting on her own as we were at work, but it did help her realise how little time we had.

I’d also grey rock any comments she makes:
”oh dear, that sounds hard, what did [name of sibling] suggest they could do to help?”
“Did you contact the gardener/handyman/cleaner I suggested? They’d be great for getting x done?”
”That supermarket/pharmacy/taxi firm offers a great service. I sent you their number, didn’t I?”

No one is suggesting to go ahead and attempt to arrange a care assessment, they are suggesting it as a response to someone continually saying they can’t cope when they are also at the same time rejecting all reasonable offers of help and support that the OP can arrange remotely.

I would literally reply, ‘Do you have any idea what my life looks like right now? I have twins and a full time job’ and leave it there

Has she gone into any detail about finding things too much? I would use this to fact check, i.e. is she finding her hoarder sister difficult, has she realised she isn't as capable as she believed? Is she getting into a financial mess? If there are practical things, a family conversation is needed with your brothers first. If there isn't anything specific, I would use it as an opportunity to suggest she considers support from local groups for activities, telephone befriending etc.

Suspected as much 🙄