Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

Forward her message to that family chat, then add one saying 'Hi Brothers' Names, as you can see mum is asking for more help and I am not in a position to do it having full time work, the twins and being X miles away. Can you pitch in please?'

You've had good advice here. It is frustrating when they refuse to consider options outside you personally doing something? But as pp said, you can and should say no. Doing the above makes the unfairness clear, even if it still isn't addressed.

Not guilt tripping just being honest. I know too many people who say "if I knew I didn't have long with them I'd have...."
Only the OP knows fully if she's done everything possible to keep a healthy relationship going. We don't know her or her family. So the best advice we can give is neutral.

It’s a means of showing off to the auntie - look at MY DAUGHTER, helping you out! Then the auntie is beholden to the mother, even though it’s the daughter who is actually doing all the work.

Mine tried this but it was a more distant relative than aunt!

You ARE guilt tripping the OP and you know you are.

All those people you know who say "if I knew I didn't have long with them I'd have...." can afford to say that because it's easy to say (and do). Of course you'd do everything you could for someone who didn't have long to live because that effort would be temporary. In most people's cases they don't know how long they're expected to disrupt their lives and immediate family in order to satisfy the requirements of their parents.

People can always do more but there's a price to pay. There are costs to your own physical and mental health, costs to your work life, costs to your children, costs to your partner. It's extremely hard to create the right balance between helping your parents and looking after yourself / your children / your relationships. For the one caught in that struggle to find balance, there's the constant risk of getting it wrong and having everyone angry with you because they all feel short-changed.

The OP must put herself first because if her physical or mental health suffers then she can't work properly or be a good parent or partner. There's that phrase often quoted on here: "Don't set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm."

We all know we could do more for other people but energy & time are finite. There isn't enough to go around so we have to ration it out as fairly as possible, while acknowledging that some people must take priority over others.

Forward message to the group chat with a “Think Mum meant to post this here!”

"I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!"

I'm pleased to hear it. Ventilate away!

NIP IT IN THE BUD . you've had some great advice here. Unfortunately they won't change.

dear @CosyLemur, just a little helpful punctuation is always useful in enabling recipients to achieve understanding of your meaning.

The way to happiness is through a door marked guilt. You and your own family have to be your priority, she is being completely unreasonable. There lots of ways she could help herself, stand firm.

I think do what you can. Laughed at my friend when she said oh we happy to help dad. 86. Thing is could be years of caring.. I had take step back our mam is 84. Very tiring. I only manage saturdays. Have our own lives too. My siblings agree. Christ its hard. Im tired enough after work. Im 50s

Well, it’s clear your brother’s have told her to foxtrot Oscar and now she’s testing the waters with you. She needs to sort out her own care if she’s that infirm, which she clearly isn’t.

OP your mum sounds like my parents. I have an older DB who has a lot of time on his hands but they always ask me to do everything for them, despite me having a very senior, stressful job involving overseas travel. They also have the means to pay for help but won’t do it. They drive me nuts. I’m sorry I don’t have a solution for you but you have my sincere sympathy.

I was working FT (like 60 hrs a week plus several hours travelling) when my DM was widowed. Of course I helped her sort out DD's funeral and wake and with paperwork afterwards, but otherwise she cared for herself. She lived nearby and didn't drive so I took her to the supermarket every Sunday and invited her for a cuppa but other than that she made no demands on me till she got dementia,I found a good care home, wrote off my inheritance and visited 2-3 times a week. She was more than happy with that, DH's DM lived alone till 91 and had no dementia and loads of helpful neighbours who would change a lightbulb. She paid a gardener and a cleaner. I respected them both for not demanding the unreasonable from me (DH was MIL's only son, I was DM's only child.

Now we are reaching the age of struggling ourselves but elder DD has two young teens (one ND) and Fibromyalgia, younger DD lives 200 miles away. So apart from asking for a few odd jobs now and again we aim to remain independent for as long as possible. I would not want it any other way.

We are familiar with technology for stuff, capable of paperwork/financial management and long may it last. DH is nearly 79 and has worsening mobility issues so now I do most of the household chores. In short, many of them don't get done! There Is No Alternative (Margaret Thatcher) to us.

Being demanding of your DCs when it isn't necessary does not produce good relationships. And I don't want to go to my grave knowing that I built up bad feeling with my kids. They don't deserve it. I am sure they respect us for it.

It might all change before we know it, but will cross that bridge when it does and make sure our DDs agree with our choices.

Why can't other DPs do the same? Life is not all about them. Not any more.

She's in her early 70's with good health. What exactly does she need support with? She should be looking to support you. Unbelievable.

I’d reply
Really sorry to hear that Mum. I know how you feel . Life with full time work ,twin toddlers and a house to run with a health condition feels so overwhelming. I can’t see it getting any better for the next 10 years. My doctor suggested I seek some practical help from family members . The irony of it !

How about assisted living or perhaps for now on line shopping / a handyman / gardener ?
Perhaps brothers could help you investigate?

Offer NOTHING ! You need help not the other way round .

You had me at you work full time and have twins.
You definitely don't "need" to give your Mum or auntie any support- 70 is the new 50-she is just bored and lazy.
You already have 3 jobs- a full time job, mother and running a household-I wouldn't put up with those demands even if I was a SAHM.
Sit her down and tell her that and that your brothers can be no more "busy" than you are. If she wants your aunties house cleared she should do it herself, or get a clearance company-why is it your responsibility, just say no.
If she books to come and see you send her the link for booking.com.
I think the real problem is she doesn't have a life, and her only hobby is messing with yours- just tell her "get a life".

She’s in her 70’s with all her faculties. Why on earth is it her daughter’s (or sons for that matter) responsibility to sort these things out? Many people are still working into their late 60’s. Why the assumption that as soon as one turns into their 70’s all capabilities are lost?

I’m another who would be telling my DM I need more support from her if I was OP.

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

Well there you go. I’m guessing if she’s capable of organising the building of an extension she’s capable of organising a gardener or a Tesco delivery 🙄

Furious on you behalf OP

She’s in her 70’s with all her faculties. Why on earth is it her daughter’s (or sons for that matter) responsibility to sort these things out? Many people are still working into their late 60’s. Why the assumption that as soon as one turns into their 70’s all capabilities are lost?
I’m another who would be telling my DM I need more support from her if I was OP.

The mother’s demands are unreasonable. That’s why I said as much in my post which you quoted in full but maybe didn’t read properly. @SaveOurStars

I didn’t say/suggest/assume that ‘as soon as one gets into their 70’s all capabilities are lost.’ I clearly said that she is able to live independently for now and hopefully for a good few years yet. Did you miss that full sentence too?
I suggested that she may need support to come to the realisation that she needs to downsize and also that the 70’s can be a scary time and gave some reasons why that may be so.

The main point of view/advice to OP (which she invited on this forum) was that it’s better to discuss and agree ahead of time, a plan for old age, as a family.

It’s ok to have different opinions @SaveOurStars , no need to disparage somebody else’s contribution in order to make your own point, especially if you haven’t read it properly.

Apologies if I’ve caused offence @LAMPS1 and I should have phrased my post more carefully to not do so.

I maintain my view that someone who is capable of organising a new extension is also capable of sorting out a downstairs bedroom and bathroom and probably doesn’t need talking through how to do an online grocery delivery.

Nothing the OP has said suggests her DM is in any more need of support, practical or emotional, than OP herself.

She doesn't want to understand your life and your challenges, don't let her guilt trips work. Try a simple "that sounds tough, I hope you get it sorted"
Her problems just aren't your problems. Imagine when she tells you all these issues about not coping, that she's just venting and that nobody expects anything of you regarding them, and respond with words that fit that mentality. You'd not give advice or offer any solutions, you'd simply say something along the lines of "that sounds hard work" or similar. You can be kind and sympathetic without giving an inch of your time or energy to it all. She'll be annoyed, but again, it'd totally not your problem - let her have her feelings and act on them how she sees fit, none of it reflects on you.

No no no. The brothers will have had no need. She won't even have expected them to step up, let alone asked them.

I couldn't agree more. It took me 30yrs to take this advice. I had 2 nervous breakdowns and a hell of a life. I'm an only Child, and when she left her my alcoholic stepfather, I became her 'husband' her Nurse ( I was actually an RMN ), her counsellor ( I'm one of those too) Her cleaner, personal shopper, sexual health advisor( I'm one of them too), and her pharmacist ..which I'm not. All I ever wanted to be was her DAUGHTER. But it's so bound up in our DNA, it seemed to me at the time that I was there to fix everything, and there was ALWAYS something that needed fixing. With her house, finances, physical and mental health, relationships etc. After many years of trying to understand why this relationship felt so toxic to me, and drained most of my energy, I came to the conclusion she had a NPD .Gosh if I knew that 30yrs earlier, I wonder what my life might have been like. I did marry and have 2 daughters, but that was when she was still with Mr step alcoholic. Carreer wise, was a sad situation, as I had Set up 2 care homes for a company, before opening my own, for adults with serious mental health issues.It was a very successful business, and at the time the city where I then lived needed more homes like this. I'm sure I could have done that, but Mum needed more support( professed to needing more) help than all my residents. I just couldn't do it. I put my Mum first, and lost out in so many ways. If you know someone who has a,NPD, you'll.know what devastation they can cause. I'm not suggesting the OP's Mum has a NPD, but I just wanted to share my story in the hope it may make OP or anyone see the light. My Mum passse away some years ago. We had moved to north Wales, in a cottage in the hills with chickens and 3 dogs, by then. Daughters have their own lives. it's been a long journey, but I'm happy now, I think its important for people like the OP, know what could happen if they feel responsible, start getting involved until their relative sinks their vampire teeth into them and drains the life out of you. Keep strong, Love Hayley ❤️

@ThatJadeTiger there are so many of us on Elderly parents threads with similar stories. I do believe it breaks people. Part of me wonders if we are a generation who will never recover from parents like this. Entitled - yes but also they are quite lazy as people. My parents were life and soul of the party but had/have zero resilience when things went/go off track. They simply do not have any resilience at all but expect to moan at us middle aged frazzled adult kids whilst at the same time utterly refusing to make sensible changes. Lots of other threads on here of a similar ilk.

Thank you for that. Makes you feel less crazy, and not alone 💕