Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

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I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

Ah, the narcissist mother. I had one of those. Apparently I spent too much time focusing on my children, and not enough on her. I also had three brothers, much older than me, with no child commitments, but they were also far too busy and important, according to her, she couldn't possibly ask them.

By strong, be consistent. No is an excellent word.

Sounds like she’s lonely. She must miss you if you live a long way away. If she lived closer to her own mum, she likely expected to have a similar relationship with her daughter and GC. It’s so much harder long distance, than popping in for an hour or two here and there.

Every time I see my mum, she has paperwork she wants advice on and things to show me. Plus, little jobs she feels awkward asking friends to do, like climbing up to replace light bulbs etc. I know it’s because she doesn’t have a partner to turn to or share things with. Your mum maybe values your advice on insurance and other things, as it can be a minefield to work things out online.

Also sounds like she’s sexist, if she expects more of you than your brothers.

If she has the means, could she come to stay with you (either in your home or in a nearby hotel or holiday flat) for a week once each season so you can spend more time together as a family and help each other out, without you taking leave to visit her. The GC would likely benefit and look forward to grandma’s visits. It’d give her something to look forward to.

Could you speak on the phone once a week, so you can be there for each other without seeing each other in person?

I think it might be better not to explain yourself again. You have told her numerous times already and she won't listen. At this point explaining and justifying yourself again is akin to begging for her permission, which you don't need.

If she won't respect your decisions or boundaries, then what she really needs to hear is a hard 'NO!'. If she then starts to strop and not talk to you, so much the better. It will give you some peace.

Likewise, if she suddenly drops by, tell her she needs to sort out her own accommodations and entertain herself. A few incidents like that and she won't be trying that nonsense anymore.

Don't engage. Reading your OP it sounds like a dynamic has developed where she presents a problem and you take it on by suggesting a range of solutions. Try something different and limit your reply to 'It's a shame you feel that way'.

I would actually do this.

with a comment that they’ll be taking care of utilities and will have a handyman. Suggest her and aunt can go in together.

and just say that you only just have your heads above water with small children, job, mortgage, illness and are 500 miles away and that the doctor told you to slow down.

she sounds really self absorbed

Have you asked her to specify in real terms what she wants from you?

Ask her what help from you looks like in her world and then respond with direct suggestions to each of her demands and involve your brothers outsourcing specific tasks to them and with ‘No, that doesn’t work for me/us as a family.’

You are doing well so far in protecting your boundaries so keep it up but I can imagine it is draining for you.

I'd be tempted to ask her what her plans are to support you, since you have twins, a FT job and a health condition and she's still relatively young. Unless of course you think that's likely to result in her turning up to stay for a month!

She doesn’t want to be aware of it, that’s the issue here. She has blocked off all issues except for me, me, me. (And the auntie).

If she hasn't already said it, I would expect she will quite soon 'You'll be sorry when I'm gone' Quite honestly, yes you will be, but there will be another part of you (a guilty part) that will be a bit relieved. Don't fall for the guilt trips, of course she doesn't want to pay for things if she thinks she can get you to do them for free. Point out that when you and your brothers we small, she didn't work full time so has no idea what she's demanding of you.

‘I understand completely why it feels too much, maybe we should start exploring residential care options’

On a loop, repeated every single time she guilt trips you.

Sounds absolutely awful.
I’d get everything written down in one text and not to back and forwards otherwise it’ll drain you.
Generally agree with what pp’s suggest
(1) summarise your work schedule
(2) offer the help you can ie you’ll visit once every 2 months, you’ll arrange a cleaner. Whatever it is you can do but don’t offer something you can’t do as obviously you have a lot on your plate
(3) emphasise the 3rd party support - cleaner, meals delivered, age U.K. lunches for social aspects. And (if you can) offer to help arrange them but make it Clear she need to confirm

then keep mouth shut

Do NOT get into justifying why you aren’t doing it/ or too busy that should be obvious to anyone, and implies you are failing her or should be doing more. She will run with that to say you never prioritise her.

Just offer stark choices residential care or assisted living on repeat.

Drop the rope before you drop. If you become unwell your family would lose out.

I had this with my DGM. I was a single parent and working full time but apparently I was less busy than my male cousins with wives. She never got it that when her DC were young she had a cleaning and ironing lady, a hands on DH and 2 really good incomes. I had me.

Mine lives in another country. The latest thing is ordering stuff online that she wants from a specific website. When I was last there , I set up an account for her, ordered some things as well , using my card all good. She doesn’t want to use it herself because she needs to add her card details. That would be fair enough , but she does order shit online from random websites (like fb ads) with no qualms and then moans it’s shit. Now she keeps dropping hints that so and so’s daughter(lives in America) orders stuff online on that website , pays for it and it gets delivered to her mum’s address. Great for them I say , and change the subject. I refuse to engage or do it for her.

Just reply “and me, I’d love more support. Can you think of anyone?”

My Mum is/was like this, emotional blackmail and cold shoulders if we didn’t do something, she also really remembers things very differently to how things have happened and things are never her fault.
The only thing that helped was going no contact for about 2 years….. She threw a strop about something, I can’t even remember and then refused to come to a family event I had planned because ‘we would all have a better time if she wasn’t there….’
My young children were gutted and I just couldn’t deal with her anymore.
Covid made us get back in touch with her because she was on her own and we’ve gradually gone back to normal from there, however she knows that there is a limit to what I will tolerate now, my other siblings either have no contact with her at all or very limited visits.
Whenever she used to ask me to do something, which I just wouldn’t get chance to do, I would tell her to get someone in to do it. She would answer that she could pay for someone but the money would ‘come out of the pot’ and she’s obsessed with inheritance. I’ve told her multiple times I don’t care if ‘the pot is empty’ when she passes away.
You have to be firm, mine is local so I give her one day a week which I can do because my children are all at school now, but when they were small (15 months apart) and we were both working we were just about keeping our own heads above water.
Don’t feel bad about not putting up with shoddy behaviour, it’s taken me about 30 years to realise that just because someone is family it doesn’t mean they can behave as they like and treat you badly x

Suggest she joins U3A, the WI, or some other groups for retirees, gets out and meets people.

Her behaviour is attention seeking as she's either bored or lonely.

Dear Mum,
This is awkward.
I’m finding things too much too, with the twins, working full time, studying and my emerging medical diagnosis. I was planning on messaging you to ask if you’d be able to give me more support.
If things have got really bad for you then shall we get a care assessment arranged for you?
lots of love,
knackered daughter

IME this isn't about not being able to cope it's about feeling lonely and neglected- and the 'excuse' is she needs help with the house etc.

I'd really focus on encouraging her to join things socially, whatever she's interested in .

Early 70s is nothing. I assumed she was at least mid 80s from what you said.

The joys of being a girl I think. All of the expectations fall on us, while the boys are special. I ditched my mother years ago. My siblings can get on with it.

You don't have the resources. Tell her to ask her sons. It's not your problem if she won't. Your pot is full.

I would take this approach - it’s brilliant!

If she’s perfectly fit and able, I would offer her nothing at all. You have so much on your plate, you can’t possibly be expected to care for her when she doesn’t actually need it!

With the distance, I personally would only be visiting x1 or x2 a year!

She doesn’t want to do anything for herself despite having the means and good health. It is intrinsically selfish to make this everyone else’s problem, she is a well resourced adult - she can easily move closer to op if she wants to, or hire a little cottage nearby and spend time with her family and GC but she chooses not to. Her choice.

I couldn’t imagine being in my early 70s and good health and wanting to annoy my adult children like that. She’s decided you should do it as you're female. Tell her no

She is selfish and thinks daughters are there to look after the elders in their old age. Just ignore her. Nothing you do will ever please her. Even if you abandoned your husband and kids and moved in with her, you’d still be lacking in sonething. Live your life and forget about her.

I agree with previous posters who say not to give lots of explanations about why you can't help.

I think one reason why we are tempted to offer the long explanations is that we are subconsciously hoping they will say " Oh of course, that makes total sense, I see why you can't help more. I really understand, don't worry about it".

But of course they aren't actually going to do that.

It may be that as children, refusing to go along with the parent's agenda led to critical and personal attacks and a real fear of the then essential life-and-death relationship being ruptured.This feels horrendous to a child.

When we offer long detailed explanations it may be that we are hoping to avoid the horrible emotions we experienced as a child when we stood up for our own agenda and were criticised and emotionally attacked for it.

As an adult this is still horrible to feel but if we recognise these feelings were "set up" in childhood rather than being totally about what is happening now it can help

As we aren't likely to get the loving, caring supportive response we need from our long explanations it is better to just say something like "I can't do this I have too much going on."

You will probably get the critical reaction that triggers the horrible feelings from childhood but you will still get this even with the longest most careful explanation. Detaching and not expending energy on the response can help.