Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

[BernardButlersBra]

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

Oh dear, if she refuses to downsize, I really hope her extension included a level access disability bathroom and bedroom.
One little fall could change her life in a second. Not only does she need to help herself (diet, exercise, socialising, fresh air, gradually downsizing possessions, something to look forward to) but she needs to plan now to make it as easy as possible for those who would be caring for her.

You can only ignore her petulance, encourage her independence for as long as possible, and make sure you are all on board with an old age plan for her, -whatever that looks like.

I feel your pain. Not in an overly dissimilar situation however I am 15 minutes away and my mother is hugely reliant on me. I work a hugely demanding full time job and do as much as I can. She is a bit older and has physical health needs as well as very poor mental health (undiagnosed as she won’t follow through with any appointments or recommended counselling) Some time ago we applied for attendance allowance which she gets the higher rate due to some of her health needs and with some of this she has a home help twice a week. I take her (and arrange) for all medical appointments and shopping once a week. I have siblings who do nothing- one visits twice a year once not since Covid.

I would encourage her to use resources available to her and if she is struggling she could apply for a care act assessment from the local adult services team however I’m nearing anything that tells me she would be care act eligible (I am a social worker but don’t work in adults). My mother despite her needs is not care act eligible… depending where she is in the country there May be different sources of support. I would see if there is a social prescribing service in her area (often they are called community connectors) as they will know what is available and signpost her etc.

good luck- you are not alone and sadly in some ways I wish I had been able to put more boundaries in! Happy for you to message me if it would help x

@Fitasafiddle1 exactly, family holiday will just trigger 101 more tasks for me to do. Then there are the politics of flying (she won't want to on her own) or driving (she won't want to drive and we can't fit 3 adults in our car and 2 toddlers in child seats). She will want me to buy all the food and bring it with me in the car etc etc etc. "Because it's easier" -yeah for you but not me

She's already said she thinks we should get a bigger car 🙄. We are locked into a car deal plus don't want a bigger car and don't have a big parking space

Situations like this are why I avoid my mother. I am the sibling who doesn't visit because I know where I would end up if she thought there was any possibility of using me as her home help.

Yep, l get told about Suzy throwing her mum a surprise birthday party. Emma taking her mum on holiday. Claire ordering all of her stuff for her from Amazon
She forgets about Suzy living at home until mid 30's, Emma having 3 days childcare a week from her mum for the best part of a decade!

Say that you are quite happy to refer her to social services to get a social worker to assess their needs.

"Oh mum I'm so glad you've opened this conversation up. I'm finding things too much and wondered what you could do to help?"

"was this meant for Mike or Tony? Assume so as they have fewer time commitments."

"ha ha Thbaks. This really cheered me up. I was finding things really hard and needed a laugh.enjoy all your lovely free time, super jealous."

Unfortunately that is SO common. ‘Why should I have to pay, when I’ve got a daughter to do it?’
And it’s nearly always a daughter, isn’t it, not a son!

Tell her if she doesn't stop the insane demands you will be forced to go no contact.

This is one of the ironies she doesn't especially value or trust my advice. When my husband and l last re-mortgaged then it was tricky to get a deal arranged with the interest rate increase and our childcare costs. I mentioned it vaguely in passing and she was keen to tell me that's not how mortgages work (I.e. the repayments increasing when interest rates increase), l should sort it properly and go to a different bank (in reality we use a broker who got us an ok deal under the circumstances). It's just she doesn't want to do the task herself!

Do you feel like it's really just attention seeking, @BernardButlersBra ?

Ah yes the old 'I can't cope with housework, it's too big for me!" Also "I'm only leaving in a box"

So there's there's the impossible solution.

Rather than reply with "you can't have it both ways mum"

Reply "yes it's impossible isn't it?"

I wonder when I have to guard against dong this myself? At some point I think we might mostly turn out like this and I agree it's about forward planning. Ie moving out the five bed house before you hit 80 and become much less able to cope with moving and all it entails.

That's in place and has been since the pandemic. She just messaged me directly outside of the group

you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it think

She doesn't do much now! I've been with my husband 10 years and she's never driven us anywhere. She's cooked him 1 meal in that time, l say cooked but what l mean is put pre-cooked / prepared food in the oven

A number of people have suggested stock phrases and l think they would be helpful. To save me thinking of a response or getting too much into it

Stop trying to get her to understand your situation; she never will because she doesn’t want to. Stop exhausting yourself trying to explain. Have a list of stock answers at the ready that all mean no. Leave it at that. If she wants to ask your brothers she will. If they are inclined to help, they will. But you cannot make anyone do anything. My son and his lovely wife have toddler twins and I have no idea how they do it (obviously we love to help out with childcare). Make yourself, your husband and your beautiful babies your absolute number one priority and just let everyone else just get on with it.

She sounds like a narcissist.

She doesn’t want help, she wants to control you.
The push back is good, can you help me, or adding brothers into chats.
There is a danger it can backfire, if I asked my mother for a tiny favour (which she wouldn’t do) she would use it as a stick to beat me with for years.

Is she spending a lot of time on her own? I think it gives narcs the opportunity to sit and think too much. MIL used to spend this time creating scenarios which would force DH to visit, rather than asking his brother (DH 3 hours away, BIL 10 minutes). These often backfired on her though.

I don’t suppose there is any chance that her and your aunt could live together is there, sorry not RTFT yet. Just as a way to support each other/distract her.

I agree with someone up thread who said "oh no sorry to hear it's becoming too much, shall i sign you up for assisted living accommodation for the elderly with or without Aunty"

I think this is a good approach

Add your brother's every time she does that.

Always reply in the group to help requests. Always.

There's always one guilt tripper.

I'd copy the message she send into the group chat and reply on there

I am in my early 60s, I give a fair amount of support to my own parents (mid/late 80s). My DM actually does have health/mobility problems, and they both are very appreciative of what I do for them. They helped out with their grandkids when they were little.

I just can't imagine being so demanding with my own DD in 10 years time as your mother is being to you. FGS, she is only early 70s, sounds like she doesn't have physical health problems and has the financial means to solve her problems. I don't really get what she is finding 'too much' and she is being extremely selfish and uncaring towards you. Poor you.

And why she thinks your auntie is your responsibility in any way, goodness only knows.