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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sick and tired of these games 😡

81 replies

Hereforthekickz · 19/02/2025 18:31

I have posted about my elderly DM a number of times.

I need to have a rant as I am very close to blowing my top!!!!

DM is difficult to say the least. Nothing is easy or straightforward. She is very selfish, manipulative and does her upmost to make me feel guilty. It’s all standard stuff. She wants all my attention constantly and I don’t get a moment’s reprieve.

Her latest “situation” is to do with her estranged sister who she hasn’t spoken to for many years. It was my DMs choice and I respect that. Her sister is in her 90s and just moved to a local care home. My DM says she has belongings of their late fathers and my DM has just decided that she wants them. In order to get them, she wrote to her sisters daughter in law. To cut a long story short, the sister is now saying she would like my DM to visit her in the care home. This has all started since I had a bereavement.

DM keeps talking about it saying “I am not going to get my father’s things back” and “why isn’t she telling me I can have his things”. I have tried not to get involved as I feel she just wants attention. She has decided many times that she isn’t going to visit her so that was that.

Today I get 8 messages from DM all about her sister. I offered to get DM some shopping on Friday after an appointment I have. 6 messages later and it seems the daughter in law has been calling DM. Of course, she has been avoiding the calls but accidentally picked it up. She wants to know when DM is visiting her sister in the care home so she tells her she will go on Friday! So she can’t have me visiting etc. You may think this is great but my DM doesn’t drive and has no way of getting to the care home. I drive and live near the home.

So here I am feeling a bit manipulated. She is just waiting for me to offer. I could offer but if I don’t have to go shopping for her, I can think of other things to do and to be honest, I really think it’s a bad idea that I get caught up in this drama. I also haven’t seen my aunt in many years and don’t wish to see her in a care home after my Dad died in one in December!

She always wants the attention and it drives me insane. We have just been away for a night to get a break and she hasn’t even asked if we enjoyed it, just straight into “I have been unwell again with nightmares and a headache” followed by 6 messages about visiting her estranged sister. Argghhhh sod off 😤

OP posts:
HoraceGoesBonkers · 22/02/2025 16:17

Thanks. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible to be a lot happier and healthier, it does take a while, but once you've started down the road you'll get there, you really will.

My DF is still alive, but immobile, incontinent and can't speak. I sacked off any joint visits a couple of years ago because it's quite stressful seeing him like that anyway and having to act as a supplier of attention to my mum during the visits too makes it a lot worse. Any hospital visit to see other people was an almost unsurpassable opportunity to show off and had to be conducted with the maximum amount of fuss. 🙄

The Stately Homes thread over on Relationships might be helpful for resources too.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 22/02/2025 17:57

@HoraceGoesBonkers I do hope you’re right. At £70 a session for therapy, it might have to be something I resolve on my own!!

My mother was just the same when visiting Dad. He had lost capacity but he still knew who she was and he made it obvious he didn’t like her. It made me laugh sometimes 🤣

Sorry to hear about your DF. It isn’t easy seeing them like that and it takes strength and courage. ❤️

OP posts:
Mary46 · 24/02/2025 17:38

Hereforthekickz that is funny. Dad used say from hospital bed mam and I were like eastenders fighting😁 if u didnt laugh though. She hard work got in snot with my sister when she got told no about something didnt get her own way

TorroFerney · 28/02/2025 13:53

MichaelandKirk · 20/02/2025 15:16

Hi OP. I mean this kindly. You are SO invested in you DM life.

You know every little thing and who said what and she is using this against you.

You dont have to jump or feel you have to resolve Mum's problems. Old people are masters at making a statement about something they want or need to do and then look towards you to sort it all out. This often means hours of your time driving her around, making calls, sending emails all so that Mum can get what she wants. Sometimes old people dont know what they want. They look for issues and problems and blow them out of all proportion.

Mum used to have her papers delivered. A couple of times they didnt make it. Mum lived in a retirement complex with her own front door so she used to get on her walker and go to Reception and complain about something that was nothing to do with them. They told her to call the newsagent. She wouldnt do that and she called me! Once in tears because she liked to read the paper with her tea and toast and didnt have anything to read. I have many many examples of things like this.

Been there and got the t shirt on this. All the while saying that they dont want to be a burden etc etc.

I fell into the trap of thinking I needed to resolve everything Mum talked about. Mum loved me doing it but not before thinking of the next thing she could make a big old fuss about.

And the Golden Child. Recognise that. DB who couldnt give a stuff about Mum. Who lived abroad and every so often mentioned he might come over (and never did). Didnt come to her funeral either.

So, please step back. Order a taxi and dont engage in this endless dramas of your Mum's making.

Sorry, it sounds like a lecture and I dont mean to sound like this but you will run yourself ragged and as Mum gets older she will get worse and worse as her world gets smaller.

Agree 100%, you are terribly enmeshed with her (and no reflection on you, she's groomed you to be). All you can do is train yourself out of it, so stick your hand over your mouth and don't offer things, wait for her to ask.

She states an issue , "oh that sounds tough what are you going to do".

It will feel rubbish at first but just slowly withdraw, it will become second nature not to run to her rescue . As with this poster been there got the t shirt.

You are stepping in to avoid the guilty feeling, feeling the guilty feeling isn't nice but it won't kill you and feelings are not facts.

TorroFerney · 28/02/2025 13:57

Hereforthekickz · 21/02/2025 14:42

@Mary46 yep, she has just messaged to say “I haven’t been to care home as I have been in bed poorly for 2 days!!!!”

Here we go again, another weekend ruined because of her. I dare not reply because U feel really angry at the moment. Any other normal person would have called or text to say “I am not feeling very well, can you get me cycling”. But no, no my mother. She doesn’t take that easy, normal route. She wants me to feel bad about myself for not knowing she has been ill. She is constantly ill but it’s never anything remotely worrisome. It’s when she wants attention or to make me pay!!

So the message back is oh dear hope you feel better soon, ring me if you need anything. She can message so she is not at deaths door. You are letting it mess with your head. You are giving it too much headspace, you are getting a kick out of it, it's like picking a scab - I know that sounds like I am being horrible but you need strong words!!

Mary46 · 28/02/2025 17:09

Ah they shocking agree. If one sister doesnt answer call rings next one. It is hard. Def agree you need good boundaries dealing with elderly at times).

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