Sick and tired of these games 😡

[Hereforthekickz]

I have posted about my elderly DM a number of times.

I need to have a rant as I am very close to blowing my top!!!!

DM is difficult to say the least. Nothing is easy or straightforward. She is very selfish, manipulative and does her upmost to make me feel guilty. It’s all standard stuff. She wants all my attention constantly and I don’t get a moment’s reprieve.

Her latest “situation” is to do with her estranged sister who she hasn’t spoken to for many years. It was my DMs choice and I respect that. Her sister is in her 90s and just moved to a local care home. My DM says she has belongings of their late fathers and my DM has just decided that she wants them. In order to get them, she wrote to her sisters daughter in law. To cut a long story short, the sister is now saying she would like my DM to visit her in the care home. This has all started since I had a bereavement.

DM keeps talking about it saying “I am not going to get my father’s things back” and “why isn’t she telling me I can have his things”. I have tried not to get involved as I feel she just wants attention. She has decided many times that she isn’t going to visit her so that was that.

Today I get 8 messages from DM all about her sister. I offered to get DM some shopping on Friday after an appointment I have. 6 messages later and it seems the daughter in law has been calling DM. Of course, she has been avoiding the calls but accidentally picked it up. She wants to know when DM is visiting her sister in the care home so she tells her she will go on Friday! So she can’t have me visiting etc. You may think this is great but my DM doesn’t drive and has no way of getting to the care home. I drive and live near the home.

So here I am feeling a bit manipulated. She is just waiting for me to offer. I could offer but if I don’t have to go shopping for her, I can think of other things to do and to be honest, I really think it’s a bad idea that I get caught up in this drama. I also haven’t seen my aunt in many years and don’t wish to see her in a care home after my Dad died in one in December!

She always wants the attention and it drives me insane. We have just been away for a night to get a break and she hasn’t even asked if we enjoyed it, just straight into “I have been unwell again with nightmares and a headache” followed by 6 messages about visiting her estranged sister. Argghhhh sod off 😤

Was she such a dreadful mother that you don’t want to help her when she needs it? You won’t have her forever.

for a lot of us, the reply to that is ‘phew’. Thrilled for you that you have a different relationship with your own dear mum.

Why is your aunt in a care home OP? Does she have dementia? Is this at all wise, your DM visiting her sister to mither her about possessions that presumably could have been collected years ago before her sister's health declined so much she needed to move into a care home. Sounds potentially disastrous.

My mother is very like this and after tens of years worth of abuse, including sexual when I was a child, I have gone no contact.
I'm sure it isn't as simple as that for everyone though.

@HoraceGoesBonkers she really does have a stash of morphine. She was misdiagnosed it after a nerve related injury. Completely addicted now of course. She doesn’t take it as prescribed so has loads in her kitchen cupboard. She could deal it she has that many 🤣 Even seen her swig Oramorph from the bottle like it’s pop!

@AngryLikeHades I am sorry you have had to endure that. I understand that NC is a must for you.

Those people that comment “would it hurt to take her to the home” “she is your mother, it doesn’t hurt to help” simply do not understand as they will have had a kind, caring and selfless mother. My DM didn’t just change when she hit old age. She has been this way for as long as I can remember. She would steam open my mail and listen into my phone calls. She applied for a job for me once and had to tell me as I got an interview! This isn’t normal parent/child behaviour.

I will always be there for my DM when she really needs help. I have always been there but she doesn’t need help, she declines my help. She wants a counsellor, a best friend, a confidant. She wants to talk about her illnesses and problems constantly. She doesn’t want a two way relationship and quite frankly, it’s draining and time consuming. I know she won’t be here forever and I have tried to let this drive my feelings for her but it’s not that simple.

Maybe read that book about toxic parents so that you gain some knowledge in how to protect yourself going forward. And probably therapy for you too. She’s basically your abuser and that’s a pretty big thing to come to terms with.
As far as the morphine goes, let her crack on. There are way worse ways for life to end including years in a nursing home. I’m sure it brings her a degree of comfort and control even though she’s using it as a stick to beat you with.
Like you said, she’s always been like this so it’s you that needs to learn how to not be absorbed so much in it. Listen to Mel Robbins ‘Let Them’ podcast on YouTube, it takes about 50 minutes and can be listened to while cooking/chores.

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson I completely agree with you. Reading the OP was like I'd written it about my own mum. I'm 52 and it's taken me up until a few months ago to realise my mum is an abuser and has been throughout my life. The podcasts you mentioned are great and I do listen to them whilst I'm cooking or cleaning the bathroom. I also joined an FB group called In Sight - Exposing Narcissism. I rarely post on there but see that there are many people going through the same horrible experiences and it does help. I sometimes pick up some useful tips.
Going NC is something I truly admire but haven't managed yet, but I have gone LC, only visiting every 2 weeks when it's my turn. No one can understand what this is like unless you're in this position and I feel for anyone who is. I've already had some counselling sessions last year and I'm about to start them again next week.
The best of luck today, OP

Oh crikey. I hadn't actually realised people still got morphine to take home with them! I thought my "D"M was bad with her tupperware of temazepam.

I'd be normally leave it like PP said.

However, I guess a big caveat is that only you know how much (more!) trouble it's likely to cause with her being on it - the more people she tells she has a cupboard of opiates then the more at risk she is of someone trying to steal it.

Also, she's already threatening to take an overdose and if her behaviour is deteriorating in other ways (could this be a factor in her wanting to go and see her sister?) then it might be worth speaking to her GP surgery. It's tricky if they've always been difficult to deal with.

Although I realise then you'll then having her coming off morphine sooner rather than later.

I haven't had any experience of morphine apart from in hospital, but there were a couple of alcoholics in my family and it was hard dealing with someone with an addiction; the alcohol and the mental health issues exacerbated each other.

Hope today goes ok.

@HoraceGoesBonkers she has taken it for years but doesn’t need to be on it, however, weaning herself off it is too difficult for her!

It causes side effects and makes her feel unwell. She is now completely addicted to it. She also takes full strength Sertraline and every so often likes to just stop taking it as she feels it does nothing for her. When she stops taking it, her behaviour is even worse.

She could have a much better quality of life if she were accepting of some small changes but no matter how much I offer to help with this, she just wants to carry on as she always has.

She sounds manipulative op. Exhausting. Mine same age its all about them! I just visit once week now couldnt listen to it. I dont tell her as much now realised she knew too much about things. Feel for you.

@Mary46 yep, she has just messaged to say “I haven’t been to care home as I have been in bed poorly for 2 days!!!!”

Here we go again, another weekend ruined because of her. I dare not reply because U feel really angry at the moment. Any other normal person would have called or text to say “I am not feeling very well, can you get me cycling”. But no, no my mother. She doesn’t take that easy, normal route. She wants me to feel bad about myself for not knowing she has been ill. She is constantly ill but it’s never anything remotely worrisome. It’s when she wants attention or to make me pay!!

Yep I'm on liquid morphine but it's not as strong as the injectable stuff they give you. It's more like a tiny amount suspended in a glucose syrup.

Drop. The. Rope.

Just stop reacting and doing her thinking for her. You have your own life, a husband and child who need you. You have so little left of yourself because it is all consumed by her. Do you want your daughter to look back and say that you were always chasing around after your mother?

You are turning yourself inside out and upside down worrying and fretting about her and her wants. She is getting the benefit of two lives, hers and yours, and you and your family are getting the scraps.

No-one will hand you a medal or a crown and say well done for having sacrificed your life for her. No-one.

If she wants to do stuff and you don't have the ability or capacity to do it, just don't. If she threatens to do stupid stuff, just say "let me know how that goes".

You do not have to jump to her wants everytime. Do it when you have capacity or ability.

@TheLongRider thank you. I let her get to me. I knew I would get punished in some way either by her giving me the silent treatment or playing the ‘I have been ill for days and you didn’t even call or notice’ card.

I have been running about all over today, ferrying my daughter all over, cleaning, shopping and I am just tired of her. I wish she would p**s off! I get so anxious over it.

Enjoy the silence. You can't reason with her. Her reactions are her own. You cannot second guess her motives. If she plays the "I've been ill for days" card, you could always ask what she like to do now that she's better. Ignore the shite, and focus on the future.

Don't give her a lift to the home to see her sister. No good will come if it, you will be frustrated because she is taking your time, she will be cranky anyway because I guarantee that she won't get anything out of the visit.

Give yourself a day out to do things you want to do with your own family. You need to maintain strong bonds with your own chosen family.

Your weekend won't be ruined only if you let it happen. It is a choice that you're making to go along with her demands. What's the worse that will happen? Will she phone you and try and abuse you and argue with you. Put the phone down, no-one has the right to abuse someone else. If it happened in the street with a stranger yelling at you, you'd call the police. If it happened at work, you'd tell HR. Just because it's your mother doesn't make it right.

It's Friday, you still have two whole days. Fill them with stuff that is important to you and not your mother.

If you feel up to taking her out, do it on your terms. Have somewhere else to go and be firm about your availablity. Again no-one else is going to care about your life except you.

Yes set your own boundaries. I get silent treatment could go for days. We dont bring her away for these reasons. Mood when we say we on hols. You have put yourself first.

“I haven’t been to care home as I have been in bed poorly for 2 days!!!!”

since the very moment she last spoke to you? How perfectly predictable.

Don’t beat yourself up for ‘giving in’ OP, sometimes it’s baby steps away, sometimes the whole tree falls. Do whatever gives the best chance of peace at that point in time. That might be playing the game and sleeping soundly knowing it’s done. Whatever works for you. Be kind to yourself.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

You need to drop the rope and stop solving her problems.

As you have other plans that day don't return her calls until after the supposed visit. Drop the rope. If she complains you didn't offer her a lift then tell her you assumed she was getting a taxi as you hadn't heard from her and had plans anyway.

Sorry just seen your update.

So she's trying to make you feel sorry for her by faking illness! Whatever. Just drop the rope. Call her back on a day or two and let her know you've been busy (and by inference she's obv not your top priority!)

@SockFluffInTheBath its always perfectly predictable. She does this all the time. I always have all the family around at Easter and I cook a lunch. She said she wasn’t feeling well so said she wasn’t coming but this time I didn’t rise to it as I knew it was nothing to worry about. I went ahead with the meal and in the middle of it she called me to tell me she had called an ambulance and was on the way to hospital. I still didn’t drop everything to rush there.

When I did arrive, she was sat in the waiting area chatting to everyone and the doctor said to me that she had a mild flare up of pancreatitis and that if it happens again, she does not need to come to hospital!

She had the same flare up whilst my DF was in hospital gravely ill after a fall caused a severe brain injury. She sent me pictures from the hospital of her on a drip saying “it’s like being on holiday here as I am being taken care of”

Its just a long list of dramas over and over and it’s the same things. It will end up being the boy that cried wolf. This has all been because on Monday and Tuesday we went away to the coast. I knew there would be problems.

You could be talking about my mother. Why do so many elderly people become so remorselessly unpleasant, manipulative and abusive to their children, usually the daughter? You sound like a saint. Step away from her and do the bare minimum. I can’t stand my mother . After her latest spiteful attacks I am done with her. You wouldn’t tolerate this from anyone else so why tolerate it from her just because she’s your mother?

Response should be

"OK hope you feel better soon".

And drop the rope. Have a good weekend!! Your dd/dh/yourself deserves more of your attention than your mother and her silly games.

She will treat you how you teach her to treat you. If you give in and go crawling now she will know that works next time. If you don't give in she will have to try something else...

@Aloeveraplants I am so sorry that you have had to endure this behaviour too.

I am constantly trying. Trying to help, to remember to return her messages in a timely manner, to not speak my mind, trying to solve her problems or resolve situations. I never, ever feel free of her so I do things out of obligation which I resent because I resent her.

I don’t speak to my DB or should I say he doesn’t speak to me. Partly due to an incident involving DM where I had enough of her applauding treatment one day and so I left her outside the supermarket and drove home! We had just lost my FIL and she wasn’t getting the attention. So he fell out with me in grand style but I am okay with that. Life has been less complicated without him. DM loves to tell me that he is jealous of me or that he thinks I am a snob! What a lovely thing to say!

All in all she is a shower of s**te!