Sick and tired of these games 😡

[Hereforthekickz]

I have posted about my elderly DM a number of times.

I need to have a rant as I am very close to blowing my top!!!!

DM is difficult to say the least. Nothing is easy or straightforward. She is very selfish, manipulative and does her upmost to make me feel guilty. It’s all standard stuff. She wants all my attention constantly and I don’t get a moment’s reprieve.

Her latest “situation” is to do with her estranged sister who she hasn’t spoken to for many years. It was my DMs choice and I respect that. Her sister is in her 90s and just moved to a local care home. My DM says she has belongings of their late fathers and my DM has just decided that she wants them. In order to get them, she wrote to her sisters daughter in law. To cut a long story short, the sister is now saying she would like my DM to visit her in the care home. This has all started since I had a bereavement.

DM keeps talking about it saying “I am not going to get my father’s things back” and “why isn’t she telling me I can have his things”. I have tried not to get involved as I feel she just wants attention. She has decided many times that she isn’t going to visit her so that was that.

Today I get 8 messages from DM all about her sister. I offered to get DM some shopping on Friday after an appointment I have. 6 messages later and it seems the daughter in law has been calling DM. Of course, she has been avoiding the calls but accidentally picked it up. She wants to know when DM is visiting her sister in the care home so she tells her she will go on Friday! So she can’t have me visiting etc. You may think this is great but my DM doesn’t drive and has no way of getting to the care home. I drive and live near the home.

So here I am feeling a bit manipulated. She is just waiting for me to offer. I could offer but if I don’t have to go shopping for her, I can think of other things to do and to be honest, I really think it’s a bad idea that I get caught up in this drama. I also haven’t seen my aunt in many years and don’t wish to see her in a care home after my Dad died in one in December!

She always wants the attention and it drives me insane. We have just been away for a night to get a break and she hasn’t even asked if we enjoyed it, just straight into “I have been unwell again with nightmares and a headache” followed by 6 messages about visiting her estranged sister. Argghhhh sod off 😤

Could your DM not get a taxi to the care home or ask the DIL for a lift since she is so keen for her to go?
You don't have to automatically get involved in everything you hear about. You could either say nothing or tell her: Sorry Mum, but I don't want to get involved in this, so I won't give you a lift. If you really want to go then you can ask the care home to recommend a taxi, or you might ask DIL if she can give you a lift.

I was going to advise driving her there, leaving her with a member of staff to take your aunt, then wait in the car for her. Don't tell her this plan obviously.

But as I'm typing I thought perhaps it'd be easier for you in the long run if you dropped her off and left her there permanently. 😂

Everything is made 100 times more difficult than it needs to be. She doesn’t want to visit her, she just wants her Dads stuff. Thing is, she is always so passive and will never ask for anything. She just thinks everyone should mind read and everyone owes her. She will create a massive problem and I know it.

She is already bad mouthing them all behind their backs. Anything other than ask for what she wants. She sent her sister a birthday card and complained she didn’t get a thanks for it. It’s also not fair on her sister. I think she wants a relationship again. DM is only after what she wants so someone is going to be disappointed.

Anyway, I have just replied to her message with “no problem”. She hasn’t asked me to take her but she is so manipulative that I know exactly what she will do. She does this all the time. She will give me the silent treatment because I didn’t offer to take her and I should have known she couldn’t get there without me. Then she will have a sob story about how she had to tell them she couldn’t visit. I could write the whole damn sorry story and it will be my fault and I will be made to feel guilty.

However, I can’t allow her to do this every time so today I am taking a stand. Wish me luck 🤣

@Pepsipepsi you must be joking! She has already told me she isn’t going in a home. At least not one near me. No, she would rather moved 3 hours away into a care home near my DB who only sees her twice a year. And why go to those lengths? Because I would only visit her once a month apparently. Despite visiting my DF daily for 6 months but I only did that, according to DM, because there would be an end to it (ie he would die eventually).

Either that or she can’t understand why she shouldn’t move in with me and my family!!! No chance!

I do wish you luck OP!
My guess is that the more you speak to her without judgement about what she's actually doing, the less likely she is to try manipulation. Eg, you could say 'I guess you just want your Dad's stuff, not really to see your sister. But she seems to want to see you.' Or, 'I didn't offer to take you because I'm not sure it's a good idea. There might be a row, and Aunty Y might be upset.' I had a horrible relative who used to guilt trip me about the Christmas presents I gave her until one year I said 'Actually I'm not keen on what you give me either, so shall we call it a day?' It was a relief to us both, I think, to say what was going on.
Sad though isn't it that these women who will be dead soon are still fighting over who keeps what - or at least your mum is.

@Diningtableornot it is sad but she does this all the time. I do understand in part. My DF passed away recently and she is 84 years old. She would like something of her dad’s to pass on (she always says my DB would like his army medals). The issue for me, is how she goes about this. She doesn’t want a relationship with my aunt but she can’t be up front and honest with them. She will expect that they should know what she wants.

Then she will play the victim. She changes her mind like the weather then expects everyone to do what she wants. She has been ignoring the phone when her DIL calls because she has been telling her lies about going to the home. She should be honest. I would have helped but now I feel like it’s a bad idea and I don’t want the drama. Like I said, I am still dealing with a lot of my own emotions and trauma regarding my DF’s death.

She sounds very like my mil (I went no contact a few years ago after discovering she'd spent 20 years hiding the fact that I had a dc before meeting her son), my husband has found that not reacting to her manipulation works best so she gets nothing unless she is absolutely open about what she wants. She also tells more lies than anyone I've ever come across, all while sitting with her rosery beads and bible!! I wish people could see her for what she really is instead of this lovely pleasant pillar of the community image she portrays. Try to distance yourself, she's not going to change.

@Mudflaps sorry you have had to experience this too. My DM is very complicated and difficult. I know this because when I spend time with her, I go home feeling anxious, upset, worn out and confused. She has said some really hurtful things to me and about my family. I have tried so hard with her in the past, second guessing her needs, being there for her in difficult times. She never puts herself out for me without it benefitting her. All while my DF was gravely ill, it still centred around her.

She is my mother but I don’t like her very much. Even going out for a meal is a chore. If I want to pay for her, she constantly asks if she is allowed to order this or that because I am paying and then thanks me endlessly only to say something rude to me in the next breath.

She never has an encouraging word so now I tell her nothing. I limit myself to her. Sad really!

24 hrs to go OP. Block her number until the weekend. Stay strong.

Make other plans, don't offer. If she gets to the point she asks you then you've made other plans.

If nothing else, the badmouthing shows she can operate her mouth if she wants to ask for something politely or to order a taxi.

Mine is an awful lot like this too, I've given up!

The hard thing is to disengage and have less attachment.
Just because she utters doesn’t mean you have to react. You don’t have to go as far as grey rock but maybe grey rock lite?
Practice some stock phrases so they become familiar and then trot them out.
If she is a mistress at manipulation you need to sharpen your tools at not getting entangled. I know how hard this is but it can be done 🌻

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson it is the hardest thing because of the guilt you feel. When you have someone that manipulates you and keeps subtly telling you that it’s you duty or that they should always come first, it’s hard not to feel guilty. It’s how they have programmed you to be. When I had my daughter, I started to notice things about DM that I wasn’t comfortable with. She demanded to be part of everything. She interfered in all our decisions and it all had to be to suit her. Her behaviour got really bad during this time but I didn’t know how to deal with it. It’s was easier to just let her have the control.

I am older now and I have started to trust my own judgment. I have more confidence but there was a time where I lost myself completely. I didn’t know what I liked or enjoyed or how to make a decision in my own. My DH always told me she wasn’t a nice person but I ignored him.

She is never there for me as I think a mother should be. She gets envious of if I am off experiencing life. If I take a step to better myself ie. Applying for a new/better job, she will find a negative “it’s an awful lot of responsibility” or “you don’t need the extra money”. When I don’t get the job she says “I did wonder why you applied as it was a higher grade”. She rarely roots for me and when she does it feels weird and contrived.

I do miss my DF as I would tell him when she was being difficult. He knew exactly what she like. He always told me to just let her get on with it and ignore her. When he was very ill in hospital and very confused, she would visit and sit stroking his hand. He hated it and use to shout at her and pull his hand away!

Anyways, she will most definitely, fall out with me for my response so I won’t hear from her for a while. As it happens, my DD has asked me to take her to meet a friend tomorrow after my appointment so I do have other arrangements to tend to.

Hi OP. I mean this kindly. You are SO invested in you DM life.

You know every little thing and who said what and she is using this against you.

You dont have to jump or feel you have to resolve Mum's problems. Old people are masters at making a statement about something they want or need to do and then look towards you to sort it all out. This often means hours of your time driving her around, making calls, sending emails all so that Mum can get what she wants. Sometimes old people dont know what they want. They look for issues and problems and blow them out of all proportion.

Mum used to have her papers delivered. A couple of times they didnt make it. Mum lived in a retirement complex with her own front door so she used to get on her walker and go to Reception and complain about something that was nothing to do with them. They told her to call the newsagent. She wouldnt do that and she called me! Once in tears because she liked to read the paper with her tea and toast and didnt have anything to read. I have many many examples of things like this.

Been there and got the t shirt on this. All the while saying that they dont want to be a burden etc etc.

I fell into the trap of thinking I needed to resolve everything Mum talked about. Mum loved me doing it but not before thinking of the next thing she could make a big old fuss about.

And the Golden Child. Recognise that. DB who couldnt give a stuff about Mum. Who lived abroad and every so often mentioned he might come over (and never did). Didnt come to her funeral either.

So, please step back. Order a taxi and dont engage in this endless dramas of your Mum's making.

Sorry, it sounds like a lecture and I dont mean to sound like this but you will run yourself ragged and as Mum gets older she will get worse and worse as her world gets smaller.

If she falls out with you she falls out with you. If she has an accident or a real emergency I promise you you will be found.

@MichaelandKirk thank you for your words. It didn’t sound like a lecture at all. It’s what my DH tells me all the time.

I am almost 50 years old and she still gets to me. I do feel that I have to be the solution to all her problems and I have made myself ill doing it. When my DF passed in December I swore things would be different. I am still working on that but I am making some progress. I wish I had a supportive parent who loved me just for being me and who was my cheer leader, but I don’t and I accept that.

You need to listen to your DH (especially when he is saying what I am!). Often we cannot see the woods for the trees. I have a friend who has a widowed Mum same age as yours. She is going down the same rabbit hole. Mum panics when she says she is going on holiday and when she returns a week later greets her like a long lost relative with tears and massive hugs.

This is despite the fact that her Mum has grown up grandchildren a few mins from her, nice neighbours who look out for her and is OK in herself but her world is getting smaller. Post is now delivered to friend because Mum gets very anxious about letters and fusses about what they say and quite frankly makes a pest of herself to ensure that the letters are dealt with before anything else my firend might need to do.

Mum says she doesnt want to be a burden (just like my Mum used to say). They just cannot help themselves.

@MichaelandKirk my DM told me that she gets very depressed when I go on holiday! When she told me she was looking into a care home 3 hours drive away I actually started to laugh. I couldn’t help it and it even makes me chuckle now. I think she thought I would do everything and anything to stop her but I didn’t say a word, just started to laugh 🤭

DM doesn’t have anyone in her life except me. She has fallen out with everyone or avoids contact with them. She has met people at social events in the past but she doesn’t have a good word to say about them. She won’t entertain anything remotely sociable now. That is why she is so hard on me because I am the last person standing. She will tell you she doesn’t want to go out or have someone else to talk to. It’s all excuses.

When you Mum next says she wants to move to a care home three hours away just say OK. Dont engage with whether its the right or wrong decision. She will soon be put off when your sibling ignores her (she probably knows this and she just says this to get a rise from you).

I used to say to my own Mum 'if its a real emergency I will be here'. She turned it around by saying what would I class as an emergency! I told her it isnt that Sky isnt working and needs to be fixed immediately. She then said it was as that was one of the only things in her life and what would she do all day if she messed up the remote which I must admit isnt that easy to use.

@MichaelandKirk I can relate to this. DM loves to go even further and tell me she has a cupboard load of morphine and she will take it when she has had enough. I used to worry constantly that she would do it and I would find her. But now I know it’s all to get attention. I wouldn’t dream of saying this to my DD even if I thought it!

Gosh your DM sounds tricky!
Would just letting her stew about her father’s possessions be an option? Let it be the ‘thing’ she worries about and it’d maybe stop her agitating about other stuff? Everyone needs a hobby after all!

And going forward I’d be encouraging the move to the home 3hrs away!

She sounded bad enough from the earlier posts, enough for me to think 'hell would freeze over before I offered her a lift' but this, the threats to take morphine, FFS, that's just out and out manipulation and is emotionally abusive.

At the very least, I'd go 'low contact', and then, engage in therapy to work on the guilt you feel.

Listen to your DH. He's got the measure of your DM

Sorry to spit and run earlier, was working and stopped to make tea!

DM doesn’t have anyone in her life except me. She has fallen out with everyone or avoids contact with them
Mine too, and I went NC after a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ incident last year. No regrets. Wanted to go into a home near me so I could visit everyday, take in her laundry, and cut her toenails. No idea where she is now, genuinely don’t care. Not saying that’s the answer for you but this ‘oh you owe your poor old mum’ bullshit narrative needs to die.

If nothing else, the badmouthing shows she can operate her mouth if she wants to ask for something politely or to order a taxi.
I love this, so true.

Sorry but I'm giggling about the morphine. Have you ever seen it? Does your Mum run down Princes Street in Edinburgh while listening to Iggy Pop?

@Hereforthekickz , when people get old they quite often focus largely on their own needs, your mum is not unusual.
Honestly if the home is close to you couldn’t you just drop your mum off there and then she could get a taxi home?
Was she such a dreadful mother that you don’t want to help her when she needs it? You won’t have her forever.

@Hereforthekickz * she is my mother but* I don’t like her very much.

OP, this is the crux of it so why do you stay in touch? I don't blame you for not liking her very much btw, she sounds difficult, but if you keep subjecting yourself to her then this kind of thing is going to keep happening