Sick and tired of these games 😡

[Hereforthekickz]

I have posted about my elderly DM a number of times.

I need to have a rant as I am very close to blowing my top!!!!

DM is difficult to say the least. Nothing is easy or straightforward. She is very selfish, manipulative and does her upmost to make me feel guilty. It’s all standard stuff. She wants all my attention constantly and I don’t get a moment’s reprieve.

Her latest “situation” is to do with her estranged sister who she hasn’t spoken to for many years. It was my DMs choice and I respect that. Her sister is in her 90s and just moved to a local care home. My DM says she has belongings of their late fathers and my DM has just decided that she wants them. In order to get them, she wrote to her sisters daughter in law. To cut a long story short, the sister is now saying she would like my DM to visit her in the care home. This has all started since I had a bereavement.

DM keeps talking about it saying “I am not going to get my father’s things back” and “why isn’t she telling me I can have his things”. I have tried not to get involved as I feel she just wants attention. She has decided many times that she isn’t going to visit her so that was that.

Today I get 8 messages from DM all about her sister. I offered to get DM some shopping on Friday after an appointment I have. 6 messages later and it seems the daughter in law has been calling DM. Of course, she has been avoiding the calls but accidentally picked it up. She wants to know when DM is visiting her sister in the care home so she tells her she will go on Friday! So she can’t have me visiting etc. You may think this is great but my DM doesn’t drive and has no way of getting to the care home. I drive and live near the home.

So here I am feeling a bit manipulated. She is just waiting for me to offer. I could offer but if I don’t have to go shopping for her, I can think of other things to do and to be honest, I really think it’s a bad idea that I get caught up in this drama. I also haven’t seen my aunt in many years and don’t wish to see her in a care home after my Dad died in one in December!

She always wants the attention and it drives me insane. We have just been away for a night to get a break and she hasn’t even asked if we enjoyed it, just straight into “I have been unwell again with nightmares and a headache” followed by 6 messages about visiting her estranged sister. Argghhhh sod off 😤

Yes they thrive on drama. We went to my dads anniv mass last year. She said is your holiday later. I said yes. We ran after mass lol. Wouldnt even say enjoy it😑

I can so relate to this but you have a choice. You really do. Just step away. She's made you into her slave.

Have you read anything by Bethany Webster or Kelly McDaniel - both very good on difficult mothers and how to begin to gain some emotional distance. I know how hard it is, I'm in my 50s and only just letting go of the guilt - and it's bloody lovely. "feel the guilt and do it anyway" is a good way to start. Disengage. You can't change her, and you are genuinely not responsible for her emotions.

Here's an opportunity for you change the dynamics! Why will this ruin your weekend? What can you do differently? She's an adult, she has capacity, she has to be a grown up about being unwell.

@SuGP just wanted to wish you well with your counselling ❤️

@Hereforthekickz thank you ❤️

Putting boundaries in place is key otherwise you’re part of the problem. If you could write the story then change the story. Let her know upfront and that you’re not going to be available to take her so she has ‘time’ to organise alternative transport and if you get the silent treatment again, just ignore it,
like you’re oblivious. You know you’re being manipulated, so step out of the drama triangle.

Wait til you hear the update….

she dropped something in the floor and a big, glass lamp fell off and broke on her head. She had a headache and feels sick and her eye is funny (like a veil is over it). She has already told me on Wednesday that she had a headache!

My DH said I need to contact Adult Social Care and tell her that!

That happened today, or that’s why she’s been in bed for 2 days? Either way it sounds like a spiralling story for attention (to one who has lived with similar).

@SockFluffInTheBath thats why she has been in bed for 2 days. Well I just can’t leave it at that especially as she has said that it hit her in her head and made her eye funny. I messaged back to ask if she needed to go to hospital or call 111. Of course she doesn’t! She thinks the eye is just general wear and tear and she is going to the opticians next week. The headache was because she didn’t really want to visit her sister and her nerves were bad.

Please don’t laugh ……
I got that mad I told her I was concerned about her falls and her always being poorly so I have contacted adult social care for some intervention. Then I really did fill the contact form in 😤 She will not like that!

Adult social care is a good start. Otherwise she has the capacity to make decisions. Let her go the opticians next week. Again, Drop. The. Rope. Your golden brother certainly seems to be able to ignore her so do the same.

You cannot live both your and her life at the same time.

It would be much better for all.if you if she was being looked after by someone else. You could then visit her as her daughter not as her slave at her beck and call.

Listen to your husband, you will have no relationships left outside of her.

Another poster called you a saint earlier, bring a saint is of no earthly use in this world. It's martyrdom pure and simple.

You can blow off steam all you want, but your choice to prioritise your mother over everything and everyone else in your life is incredibly destructive. If you dropped dead tomorrow she would still be the same. She's like a bad boss, if you were dead she would find someone else in your stead.

@TheLongRider your post has really made me think…

Mother’s reply was this “That’s good of you, but you know what my answer that will be. Thanks but no thanks. I know I’m obstroperous (I can still spell)!”

@Hereforthekickz there was a thread a few weeks ago with several posters who had experienced very similar behaviour! Mine practically expected a day of national celebration when she went on holiday and since she stopped being able to go there's inevitably a crisis when one of her kids goes.

@thelongrider is bang on about the boss thing. My sister died of mental health related conditions - we used to ask my mum NOT to phone her because it'd wind my sister up, but of course she went on. Since my sister died my mums behaviour toward me became markedly worse with the badmouthing, attention seeking and angling for a reaction every time I interacted with her (which hasn't been for some time now).

It does take a while, I think, to get your head around it all and it's a process to decide on boundaries and stick to them - then probably redraw a few times as the boundaries are shoved at ime. But realising what's going on and that you need to put your own family first is the main thing.

@Hereforthekickz But surely Adult Social care won’t just walk away when the elderly person says "thanks but no thanks?" Surely not? They must all say that!

If the person has capacity there's very little they can do. People have the right to make bad decisions, no matter how worrying it might be for everyone around them. So many people sadly having to wait for elderly parent to have a crisis before anything can be done

Mind your own health too as they would run you ragged with demands. I call once a week i cant do any more mentally tired now

I knew she wouldn’t want them involved, even just for some advice. She had them deliver some equipment before and sent it all back within 2 weeks. However, it helps me establish some boundaries with her if that makes sense. I am still going to have them contact me to see what they can offer. Her attitude completely changed when I mentioned intervention. She started saying it’s just older age and asking how my DD was.

I didn’t sleep well last night and I feel so emotionally drained today. I am not contacting her this weekend and I am going to spend time with my little family. I have also looked at all your suggestions and am considering counselling. Something has to change or I will never be truly happy.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive and kind ❤️💯

You really do need to stand back from this. Your mother is a grown adult - there is no reason for you to be involved.

Just say uh-huh when she is talking about it and leave it at that. If she wants to get somewhere then she must arrange that.

Boundaries are your friend!!!

OP there’s a phrase to use to SS, I can’t remember exactly so hopefully someone will correct me. It’s something like ‘lacks insight into own needs’ as a counter argument to her telling them she’s fine. You also need to be clear- and stand firm/ that you are not able to provide regular care or crisis cover. Our SW for MIL and FIL are bloody marvellous, many are, but be prepared to dig in. Just say no to SS requests of your time and keep saying it.

You have to harden your heart and look after your own wellbeing and your own family. It's difficult when she's trained you to be at her beck and call, especially after your DF died and you feel obliged to support her. But if you don't instill some boundaries and get her additional support now the requests will only increase as you both age.

One thing I learnt is you can't be in two places at once (I was always pulled between work, DC, 3 frail elderly relatives and DH who was undergoing chemo). Something had to give and it couldn't be me or my health as I was propping everyone else up! Speak to SS and see what they can offer her, and let her know if she declines their offer of help you won't be backfilling that level of support for her.

@Hereforthekickz Mother’s reply was this “That’s good of you, but you know what my answer that will be. Thanks but no thanks. I know I’m obstroperous (I can still spell)!” well that is funny because the correct spelling is "obstreperous" so she cannot really spell!!

@Hereforthekickz I suspect she'll be worried about getting her meds reviewed. Well done.

I ran myself into the ground physically and mentally trying to do everything; nothing I did for my mum was ever enough of course... always push push push for extra time, another emotionally gruelling task. We also had a few times when she was badmouthing me for decisions I'd made that put my kids first ahead of her.

I had a wake up call when I was so tired I couldn't move and then got some very alarming blood test results.

I had - not all at once, it took a couple of years to unpick - counselling, took up a sport and did a lot fewer pointless activities for my mum.

She didn't like this and minimised me having depression and HBP, kept shoving at any and every boundary, tried to get me to provide personal care for my Dad rather than him going into a home; I'm not quite sure what I was meant to do with my kids, job and husband but hey ho.

I still have the odd bad day but I've lost nearly 5 stones now and am massively healthier without her.

Have a look at the "appalling behavior in old age" thread, there are a squad of us! @Bluelegume started it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5179774-appalling-behaviour-dressed-up-as-old-age-it-has-to-be-addressed

@HoraceGoesBonkers I am sorry you had to go through this. It’s absolutely fabulous that you have turned it around. You are marvellous 🤩

My mother was an absolute ar*e when my DF was ill. He was in ICU twice and on end of life care twice. She insisted on visiting daily with me. She said it was to be supportive but I didn’t feel supported. She told all the nurses about her ailments and that she had been on that ward before with xyz. She showed my DF all her war wounds. She kept referring to herself as his best friend which wasn’t an honest description. My DF thought she was a pain and he was better off divorced from her. She said inappropriate things about his dying and his Will. Nightmare!