Who can help when adult child is a problem?

[Marvelsquirrel]

My sister is almost 50 and has always lived at home with our now elderly parents. She has a very short temper and they live in fear of upsetting her. For example, she works from home and screams at them if she can hear them talking in the next room. She loses her temper over the smallest things, such as if they are in her way or don’t hear what she says the first time. She doesn’t hit them but she shouts and slams about. An internal door has come off its hinges in the past. She doesn’t do any housework and only occasionally buys a few treaty things for meals. My mum is in her 80s and struggles with the shopping and cleaning for the whole household as well as managing all the household bills and repairs. My dad is disabled, struggles to walk and is at risk of falling all the time.
One of the worst things is that my sister has started hoarding. The spare bedroom is full
floor to ceiling with clothes, snacks, souvenirs etc. The family dining table is also covered with all kinds of junk so that my parents have to
eat off their knees in the living room.
it’s making them miserable but my mum won’t discuss it. She says it’s fine and she doesn’t want to talk about it. But then she will be upset to me on the phone and tell me she is ashamed to let people into to the house . I can also see how bad it is for them.
I think my sister is on the autistic spectrum but has never been diagnosed. She has a job
and friends so appears to be functioning ok but she has never had to manage on her own and still lives very much like a child. She has never had a boyfriend and has poor social
skills. When she is stressed, for example if something unexpected happens, she will start shouting and swearing or just jump up and run off.
I don’t know how to help them but I can see it getting to the point where something needs to be done as my parents become more frail.
The household relies on my mum but she is now getting forgetful and needs help herself.
I live several hours away and visit as much as I can afford to. I have a job and children plus the cost of hotels is expensive so it’s hard to be there all the time.
Has anyone experienced this? Who can I contact to help them? I thought maybe social set does but I think my mum would never forgive me if I did that.

Age Concern or frankly the police. Your sister is abusing your parents.
Have you challenged her about her reprehensible behaviour?

Yes it’s very difficult to help. Ultimately your sister is abusive. She probably doesn’t realise how awful she is being because she’s probably a bit miserable and taking it out on them.
I’d start with practical things.

Your sister cannot work from home if it impinges on your parents normal use of their house. Can an area (say in her room) be sound proofed for her? Can she restrict her calls to one hour a day? Can she work elsewhere? Is a garden office an option?

Your sisters belongings are restricting your parents enjoyment of their house. Can she put some stuff in rented storage? Could she have space in a shed, garage or attic? Could she have better storage in her room? Could she bin or sell or donate (Stacey!) some stuff?

Report this to your local adult social care and police as a concern for the welfare of your parents. She's abusing them by the sounds if it.

I assume your influence won't change matters or get her to move out.

Considering the age and health of your parents would it be worth considering them downsizing and sister getting her own place? This could be presented as a "best for everyone" situation and also predate any issue once one of your parents pass.

Perhaps a 60+development ?

I agree with @MrsSkylerWhite and @PaintDecisions - this needs reporting, as it's only going to get worse. Age Concern, Adult Social Services, anyone who might be able to help. There comes a time when your parents needs - and these are basic, reasonable, needs - outweigh what your mum thinks they "want" (i.e. non-confrontation with your sister).

One early option may be to ask their local Fire Service to do a free Home Fire Safety visit - here's a link to the sort of thing I mean: Safe and Well - Hampshire & Isle of Wight Fire & Rescue Service, Official website of Hampshire & Isle of Wight Fire & Rescue Service. They are helpful and friendly, but can make suggestions. They are also impartial and the message that this cannot continue may be better coming from someone in uniform and unconnected with you. You might even be able to ask that they frame it as "they're visiting everyone in the area", rather than the visit had been requested by someone. Mention that your parents are vulnerable and that there is a hoarding issue. This is a genuine fire risk, not to mention the risk of falls, risk from vermin taking up residence among the hordes, quite apart from your parents' right to enjoy their home in peace and safety.

You might also like to check out the Cockroach Cafe threads on MN - an absolute bastion of wisdom, understanding and kindness for those dealing with older relatives. Some also have challenging sibling situations: Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025 | Mumsnet

Best wishes with the situation. I hope things improve for you soon. Look after yourself though, and do remember that you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your parents remain adamant that they will not at least be amenable to a solution, then you may have little option but to step back and not entertain your DM's complaints to you. It's fine for her to choose not to do anything. It is not fine for her to drag you down and make you wretched. You and your children must come first. It's OK to shut down the complaining and end the call if she's not going to at least try to make better choices herself. That does not make you an unkind or uncaring person.

With love. x

I don't think OP can change this situation herself. Any attempt to intervene will provoke her sister to rage and the parents will suffer. So it needs reporting to social services as a safeguarding concern, the parents are vulnerable adults living with an abuser.

I have spoken to her but it can be quite difficult to get through to her. She tends to laugh nervously and look the other way. I don’t think I have ever had a proper conversation with her. She shuts down if it’s a difficult subject. She is definitely on the autism spectrum but it seems to have been missed at school in the 80s. She appears to be managing but I am not sure she could cope without my parents. It’s all a big mess that I need professional help to solve. We’ve coped as a family in the past but now my parents are vulnerable it’s becoming obvious they can’t go on like this. The hoarding and working from home has only been the last couple of years since lockdown.

Thank you. These are good ideas. I could try to confront the situation again and push for her to make space in the spare room for all of her belongings and also her workspace. Although I have said this to my mum before but she shuts me down straight away. I think she is worried about how my sister would react. I think the big problem is they are scared to do anything in case it makes things worse. I think my sister needs help to live independently but I don’t know where she can get the help.

Thanks. I am going to have a look at the cockroach cafe. They do need social services to intervene. I am just worried about what that will look like.
I will try the fire service. My mum is embarrassed to have people in the just though so she might not allow them in.
I’m also going to make enquiries with the adult social services at the council to see how they can help.

Does she contribute to the household? A cleaner and gardener would be a good idea going forwards. In my experience more outside eyes can make things much better without anyone having to police anything.

They had their house modified so they could continue living downstairs when my dad could no longer manage the stairs. He is not quite at that stage yet but they are settled in for the long term. They have a lot of friends where they live too so it would be difficult to persuade them to move.
They are all set firmly in their ways. My sister doesn’t abuse them in front of other people so no one else ever points out that it’s wrong. It would be helpful if their friends saw it and looked shocked. It has been helpful for me to hear what everyone thinks on here to get a perspective from outside our family. (We have been living with, and turning a blind eye, to my sister’s behaviour for years)

I think social services is very problematic. There will be shame on all sides which I think should be avoided as much as possible.its hard but you can really help make things much much better for them all.
i would position it with your mum that you all need to help dsis management a bit better and that setting things up now will make her more independent and used to things when they inevitably can’t manage any more.
I would position it with dsis that the parents are getting on a bit and we need to start setting things up so they can manage for as long as possible and that you think she needs a bit more space so she isn’t maddened by them.

I know it sounds terribly manipulative (and it is a bit) but really the win situation is that things move to a tidy house that everyone can live in comfortably and no more angry arguments. These things behaviours are habit forming so a big change is needed.

The sister is obviously more than ‘a bit miserable’ for gods sake….contact social services & age concern now.

OP explained that she thinks her sister is autistic. (Which sounds possible given the description.). So yes more than “a bit miserable’”. What do you think Age Concern or SS can do in these circumstances? Do you think those options will make OPs parents happy? I’d aim for them all trying hard for each other and a positive move towards a better living environment for all three.

I have been in a very similar situation. The adult child in question has finally moved out but has become much more abusive as a result. Unfortunately stress can make them lash out because they can’t cope.

Ifs a horrible situation to be in for all of you. In my experience social services did nothing. The GP was useless, and all attempts to find help failed.

It’s hard to know what to suggest but I think you need to speak to your sister and say from now on the hoarding situation needs to be sorted out. Tell her firmly that you are both going to go through all the stuff and reorganise it together . Stress the positives.. how nice it will look, how much better she will feel. Maybe you can even persuade her to go out for the day so you can get on with it. . She won’t have the capacity to do it herself most probably. Disorganisation is a feature of this sort of issue. She may even find the mess comforting. You need to tell her that things have to change or she will need to find somewhere else to live. Be firm but kind. That might get through to her.

You can try contacting social services too but I doubt they will do anything . Is there a carers organisation near you that your parents could attend? They may find it very helpful and supportive.

@Marvelsquirrel Thanks for your reply to my post. With kindness, I think you need to not be worried about social services or any other intervention. I get that it is an enormously difficult situation. But often the wisest choices are the most difficult ones.

I'm sure the Fire Service are used to these sorts of situations - or, at least, older people putting themselves (and potentially their neighbours, if a fire spreads) in danger due to pride or a reluctance to admit that help is needed. It might be embarrassing in the moment - but I'd argue it is worth it if it helps in the longer term, and is a step along the road that leads to your parents not being embarrassed or unsafe in their home,

Your mum does have the right to make her choices, even unwise ones. But she also has to live with the consequences of her choices and not use them as a metaphorical stick to clobber you with. It's OK to shut down repeated conversations about grievances and misery with a simple "That's your decision mum" or "It's your choice to live like this." It's awful - especially when you can clearly see what's coming over the hill in all this. But please do allow yourself to know that you've done what you can. Your advice has not been heeded (nor even possibly welcomed). This doesn't make you a bad person or an unloving daughter - quite the opposite. You obviously care very deeply. You can gently back away and disengage from this with no need for guilt (although I know you will feel it), and leave your sister to manage the crisis when it comes.

Please do put yourself first. I've seen so many situations where a loving daughter like yourself has been utterly ground down by cares such as these. In the worst case, one in her sixties predeceased her 90 year old parents, who were deep in denial, aggressive and determined that they were always right, capable of living independently (they weren't) and said their lovely, caring daughter was a "meddlesome b~~~h". It's ok to drop the rope so that you don't get dragged down too. Your children are the ones who need you to stay afloat.

Very best wishes to you. x

With respect, how do you expect an autistic woman who clearly isn’t coping anyway to cope with ageing parents? I can absolutely understand why the OP is concerned .

I am the controlling ‘b…h ‘ as far as my mother is concerned . I am in the situation you describe above with my mother. After dealing for years with a mentally ill autistic adult son living with us . It’s very hard, and yes, it destroys your life, but it’s very hard to walk away.

There is not a chance I would tolerate my sibling abusing my mum. I would and have intervened, They were told to buck up their ideas or police would be involved or leave.

they left. Relationship between my mum and them is fractured but it’s better than being bullied, manipulated and shouted at in your own home from a 50 year old.

My sister doesn’t clean or maintain the garden. She pays about £150 amount each month towards the household.

It is certainly worth contacting the fire service re the hoarding, and Social Services re the situation between your parents and your sister.

However if your mother refuses to engage with Social Services - says she doesn't want to speak to them, or won't let them in, or simply says she doesn't need any help - they cannot do anything further. And it does seem likely your mother will refuse. It is definitely worth trying though.

I’m not sure about any local carer organisations. My mum is quite proud and is reluctant to invite help in. I will see if I can find anything online. It’s very difficult to find help anywhere.

I've had involvement in this sort of situation in an adult social care capacity.

The problem will be if your parents are prepared to admit they are unhappy with the situation and would like her to move out.

If they ask her to move out and she refuses then the police could assist:

Alternatively if they lack mental capacity the social care team have an obligation towards them.

But if they have capacity, it will all hinge on them really.

There are sadly a surprisingly high number of people being emotionally, financially and sometimes physically abused by adult children, grandchildren or other relatives.

Thanks for all your helpful replies. It’s given me lots to think about.
I did contact a hoarding charity a while ago and they said you can’t just go straight in with a hoarder and start sorting out their stuff. It’s a psychological problem and they need support to deal with it. So I’ve been reluctant to do that.
i think my sister’s rage is a reaction to the pressure of living at home with our elderly parents. She can’t cope with any stress and has always acted out by shouting, swearing or just running away. I don’t know if talking to her will make any difference because the pressures will always be there and she isn’t able to cope with it.
I hope I don’t sound like I’m dismissing advice. All the replies have helped me to organise my thoughts a bit more.
i will try the fire service because I am worried about my dad not being able to get out past the junk. I will also make an enquiry with social services to see what they can do.
Im starting to think that the best thing would be to encourage her to move out and try to support her through that. It’s probably easier said than done though .

if she was a partner of someone we’d be advising them to leave or seek help as her behaviour is abusive.

tiptoing around it for her whole lifetime means ifs going to be a hard slog getting things solved now @Marvelsquirrel and unfortunately it sounds like your parents are quite enmeshed in it all. You can’t help someone/s that don’t want to be helped. :/

good luck with it all.

Where would she move out to though? It doesn't sound like she would cope living alone (assuming she could afford it and find a landlord that would take her). She doesn't have references and other tenants would not tolerate her hoarding. It's easy to say move out, but where would she go?