Who can help when adult child is a problem?

[Marvelsquirrel]

My sister is almost 50 and has always lived at home with our now elderly parents. She has a very short temper and they live in fear of upsetting her. For example, she works from home and screams at them if she can hear them talking in the next room. She loses her temper over the smallest things, such as if they are in her way or don’t hear what she says the first time. She doesn’t hit them but she shouts and slams about. An internal door has come off its hinges in the past. She doesn’t do any housework and only occasionally buys a few treaty things for meals. My mum is in her 80s and struggles with the shopping and cleaning for the whole household as well as managing all the household bills and repairs. My dad is disabled, struggles to walk and is at risk of falling all the time.
One of the worst things is that my sister has started hoarding. The spare bedroom is full
floor to ceiling with clothes, snacks, souvenirs etc. The family dining table is also covered with all kinds of junk so that my parents have to
eat off their knees in the living room.
it’s making them miserable but my mum won’t discuss it. She says it’s fine and she doesn’t want to talk about it. But then she will be upset to me on the phone and tell me she is ashamed to let people into to the house . I can also see how bad it is for them.
I think my sister is on the autistic spectrum but has never been diagnosed. She has a job
and friends so appears to be functioning ok but she has never had to manage on her own and still lives very much like a child. She has never had a boyfriend and has poor social
skills. When she is stressed, for example if something unexpected happens, she will start shouting and swearing or just jump up and run off.
I don’t know how to help them but I can see it getting to the point where something needs to be done as my parents become more frail.
The household relies on my mum but she is now getting forgetful and needs help herself.
I live several hours away and visit as much as I can afford to. I have a job and children plus the cost of hotels is expensive so it’s hard to be there all the time.
Has anyone experienced this? Who can I contact to help them? I thought maybe social set does but I think my mum would never forgive me if I did that.

I understand that. We attended a couple of groups set up for carers when we were in this situation and it was a lifesaver. There will be people in worse situations than your parents sadly.

"i think my sister’s rage is a reaction to the pressure of living at home with our elderly parents."

why does she live there? If she doesn't want to, then it seems like the best approach would be to give her help in moving out. Sorry if I missed something.

Fear , inability to cope? Lack of money, loneliness? Stress of leaving everything that is familiar?

@MaryPoopins123 that's true, there are no easy answers.

But I think if the parents were willing to say to authorities it was an issue, then there's a chance the adult daughter could have support to find accommodation. As part of the safeguarding plan for the parents. But it would hinge on them saying they wanted her to move out.

Probably not an option due to space and cost but my friend's sibling, who has challenges similar to your, has lived in a challet/granny flat in her parents garden since after Covid as Covid brought about an escalation in their behaviour.

My friend and her other siblings had no choice but to intervene and as far as I know all contributed to the cost.

It appears to be working well.

That's why I asked the question

hard to advise unless we know the reason

I think it's better to go that route rather than persuade parents to complain to authorities

I think I you’re being very naive. Is there such a thing as
safeguarding for parents? Never heard of it.

Councils have a "vulnerable adults" service, my ds used to work in that department.

I see this differently from some other posters and would approach this differently.

You have an autistic sister who is reliant on your now ageing parents. She has challenging behaviour because her needs are not being addressed / supported.

I would approach this with your mum from the perspective of putting support in place for your sister ready for a time when they are no longer able to support her / are no longer here.

@MaryPoopins123 you're ill informed, there very much is Safeguardjng for adults with care and support needs. It's in the care act 2014. Adult social services have legal duties in respect of this. There is also domestic abuse of course which can be from adult children towards their parents.

When I was struggling to cope with an adult child with severe issues that very much impacted me, there was no help for them or for me.

Absolutely agree with this. Whether the help is available is another thing. I know a lot of people in similar situations. Elderly parents struggling to cope with adult dependent children . I do wonder what happens when those parents die. I suspect a lot of homeless people have been living with family who have thrown them out or died.

What a difficult situation. I really feel for you. As soon as you started describing your sister’s behaviour my first thought was autism. She sounds just like my daughter. Your poor parents. I have sympathy for your sister also.

I know you said your mum is proud, but if you worded it in a way that it was to actually help your sister when the time comes and they’re not here, to get her used to outside help, would they agree to a cleaner? Even a couple of hours a week. It would help them get used to someone being in their space.

I think some posters are very naive at their suggestions of looking for help and support - there’s very little help or support to be had and there are people in far worse situations.

I think there is very little support so it is better to just crack on and start working towards solutions.

Your sister needs to be paying far more for her keep. That money could be used for more domestic help, food deliveries, time away for your parents, storage solutions. At the moment she must be a drain on their finances. Have you discussed what happens when they are no longer here to support her?

I would keep having the conversations with your mum, sister and father. It is amazing how powerful it can be to start naming the problem. Even just saying 'when Sis screams at you and slams the door' r 'now that Sis is hoarding' rather than 'when Sis gets upset' or 'Sis likes shopping online' is powerful. Breaking those taboos might achieve something.

And I would say to them that you are going to talk to adult safeguarding because both your sister and your parents are vulnerable and you don't know what to do. The first thing the safeguarding team will ask is whether your parents or sister are aware of the referral, so make them aware. But don't ask then if you can call, tell them you're going to. I'm afraid I would have extremely low expectations of what that call would achieve, but it's a flag on the system. Sometimes if enough flags get raised, things can occasionally change.

It sounds as if your sister should have had a diagnosis and perhaps forms of therapy a long time ago. Maybe ask her if she has ever thought that life could be better and less stressful? Has she wondered if she might be neurodiverse - does she think in that way? Would she go with you to her GP? Would she look at one if the nooks written by autistic adults about what their diagnosis has done for them?

It's incredibly hard to do anything for adults who appear to be functioning and tbh to some extent they have chosen the way things are. I am just trying to think of ways in which you can feel you've done something that might help you feel a bit better.

Just bear in mind if it ever happens, it took my elderly mum about three years to accept diagnoses of dementia in a sister and autism in a grandchild. But she did eventually I think come to accept them. She had to talk about it a lot.

You need to get social services involved asap - all three of them are vulnerable and their living situation is deeply damaging. I agree your sister's behaviour is abusive but she clearly doesn't have the skills to interact in a reasonable way and she needs aupport too.

Write to social services, starting with "I am writing to report a concerning situation where three vulnerable adults (two elderly, one with neurodiversity issues) are in a highly dysfunctional and abusive living situation and urgently need intervention and support."

Then follow that opening paragraph with your OP from this thread, word for word until "...I live several hours away and visit as much as I can afford to..." replacing the close with

"I live several hours away and visit as much as I can afford to but am powerless to resolve this deeply damaging situation. Please could you urgently arrange for the needs of all three of these vulnerable people to be assessed so that the right support can be provided"

I have had experience of a similar situation with my brother who like your sister has a mental condition (autism? personality disorder ?) that remains undiagnosed but has caused him to have a difficult life - and which has created difficulties for those around him. He was living with my mother as she became elderly and whilst he was able to help out a little, as he was very much a mixed blessing in that his rigid thinking had to be adhered to, and he was taking advantage financially. My mother was not altogether happy having him living with her but became dependent on him as a cover story to refuse carers or indeed any external help. I don't want to sound too negative but I do not think Social Work will become involved as your mother and sister will be judged to have the capacity to make decisions and they cannot make your sister leave. Although your sister is vulnerable, she will not be a priority for supported living - which is in very very short supply. It does sound as if your father needs more social work support though - could that be a way to getting some external eyes in to this very difficult situation ? Or would your mother refuse outside help ?

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england/support-available

www.sibs.org.uk/support-for-adult-siblings

www.ageuk.org.uk/ it won't let me do a direct link but I will (hopefully) be able to upload a screenshot of the most relevant part.

Why do you think social services will do?

What

Yes this is it exactly. A mixed blessing. My sister has a short fuse but she is also there for company. They watch their favourite tv shows together and when she is in the house my mum can go out without worrying about my dad falling. She doesn’t like to leave him alone.
I think naively I was hoping someone could reply with a link to a wonderful organisation that could help with our exact set of issues.
I have seen there is a council in England which is providing help for hoarders with counselling and help to declutter. It’s not available in their area sadly but something like that would change their lives and possibly help them find support for my sister’s other issues.
I think it probably does depend on the quality of social services in this their area as to what help they will get.

Thanks for the links Phineyj. I’m having a look through them.
Sorry to hear other people have been in this situation but it’s comforting to know it’s not just us. It can feel like that sometimes.
I agree that the best thing would be if my sister could move out somewhere close to my parents. I think she could be capable of it with support to
make sure she pays the bills and keeps her home clean. It’s going to happen eventually anyway. It’s going to be an incredibly hard task to get her to do that though. They don’t have the space for an annexe. I am worried how she will cope with the trauma of moving and losing my parents if she has to deal with it all at once. It would be much better for her to take that step while they are still around.
We will both inherit the house so she won’t be destitute. My mum has spoken to her over the years telling her she will have to move out once they are gone but she laughs nervously and looks away and that’s as far as the conversation goes. Practically I don’t think she could stay in the house as she couldn’t cope with the upkeep. She needs something more manageable.
I don’t think this will get fixed overnight. I’m going to contact social services discretely to see what they can do and also a couple of other organisations for advice.
I agree we need to talk about it and name what’s going on more. It’s difficult while everyone stays in denial.
She’s my older sister and I’ve grown up in a family that hasn’t known how to deal with this
so talking about it and taking positive action hasn’t really been an option.
The cockroach cafe and SIBS support group
will be a great help with that so thanks for those suggestions too.