Help please not sure what to do with my parents,

[mummy3456]

Hi, My parents lived very successfully on their own until this year ( 88yo and 89yo). Since then they have been in and out of hospital 8 times between them ( since April 2024)
My sibling and I sorted them a lovely care home that we could each visit within 10 minutes drive. After 2 months when my sibing was there they said they hated it and were going to leave. Signed themselves out, sibling bought some groceries and left them in their own home, Texted me to say what was done!
2 weeks later ( and after many visits) I get a call from the neighbour that he'd had to call an ambulance for my mum. Dad couldn't work out how to use the phone but made it down the stairs and across to the neighbours ( he can barely walk - would have taken at least half an hour).

Months before this it was Dad who was sick and the hospital would not discharge to anything but a nursing home.
Mums hospital said the same.
My sibling took them home for the 1 week until the room that they had at the previous nursing home was ready. Got told 3 weeks was as long as they would hold the room.
Well she let it go, so that's gone.
They are living with her but the 24/7 care is not being met as she works 3 days a week. I take them to my place 2 a week for lunch but mum is suddenly terrified of our dogs, and if we put them out they bark.
Dad has already slipped over on our tiles ( not a house made for the elderly). The ambulance crew know the way here.

So ( sorry for ridiculously long post), my sis and I are joint POA and ENduring guardianship. So if I invoke it it doesn't matter as she has to as well. I have had 3 doctors tell me they need 24/7 care ( when they were in hospital at various times but I never got anyone to sign the forms so I am tragically waiting for one of them to have another trip to hospital) . My 12 yo is getting nervy around them and just kind and polite with the repetition, but it's a lot to ask.
They are both getting a bit aggressive,
Mum won't get changed. Dad won't shower.
It's a fecking disaster.
Sister, who caused all this in reality , has now said she needs a break. Gave me 10 days notice that she will be away for 12 days. I can understand that, but she made her bed and suddenly I have to lie in it, I can't drive at the moment due to a foot problem, added problem, my DH starts a new job in 2 days, My mum now weirdly hates my dogs and its school summer holidays here and I won't be able to leave the house so poor DC is stuck in the house. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?

Sorry for long post! Ridiculous.

and she’d hate having different people in her home
Late last year my elderly had live in care and there was quite a bit of a culture clash. Suddenly she was sharing her house with a slightly bumptious woman fifty years younger than her from a very different area of the world. Who wasn't a fan of the cat.

She now has carers coming in & is much happier...

I could maybe take my DH along but then Dsis will be pissed that her DP isnt' there. The most obvious choice is my lawyer son ( only young though) but super calm and super confident and would come if I asked him. Other choice is my oldest DC but they don't know the legalites but super chilled and can argue politely with anyone. ( he's a govt policy advisor so that is what he does all day). I honestly feel like walking away, but I have to have mum and dad the end of January at least for a week at this stage. But I don't know when it is going to stop! And I love them so much and I hate them being alone 3 days a week. So I was bringing them here 2 of those days and they suddenly got scared of my dogs. And dad fell over
Believe it or not it will cost more to board the dogs than have mum and dad in respite care. The system is fecked

I bet your sister won't have them back at hers after her holiday.

Thinking of you today @mummy3456 it’s unfair for your sister to think she can completely check out on her ‘break’ if you do end up having your parents with you. I had to take a couple of calls on my last holiday from nursing home. My sister spent her last holiday on the phone to the hospital every day because we were all working and she was the only one available to talk to the multi-disciplinary team. At least she could walk on the beach and eat ice cream afterwards.

@Radiatorvalves I feel I have to give you a solidarity wave 👋 You’ve all done the best (or least worst) thing and it’s not appreciated because they have no insight into their needs.

Wish me luck for Friday morning. Sister is dropping them off. (they couldn't find their tablets today , sister thinks they have got out of order!) So they had lunch here today with no tablets, mum saying she can't breathe if she has to walk more than 2 metres. Dad pretty good but we were playing cards and I said just pass me that Ace of hearts and will have a full deck to start playing. He picked up at least 8 cards before he got the Ace. In the end I said Dad your hand is over it and he gave me the 3 cards his hand was over.
Mum spends her entire time asking "where's my handbag?" And I mean 20 times in a ten minute journey, and then continuously. We put it on her lap, the chair next to her, hanging off her chair it makes no difference. She has 2 other questions and a request to go and see her high school ( 3 hours away and knocked down decades ago). I just say "sure"
Main problem is the dogs.
From loving them for years to scared of them in a month. All anxious about them touching them. We are going to block off the second lounge for the dogs because I almost went mad just at lunch today. "It's licking me" "No mum it's just sniffing". "Take it away".
Obvious solution is to leave the dogs outside but as they are indoor dogs they bark to be let in. My neighbour has PTSD and wears earphones, well used to, and told me never to contact her again after 3 years of friendship because I put the dogs out for 15 minutes when mum arrived unexpectedly with a bad result from the doctor. Neighbour said she was sick of their noise. Odd as they are indoor dogs. But thats not important except I can't put the dogs out for however long mum and dad are here. That was the beginning of the end for mum and dads health and my friendship with my neighbour ( TBH - I reacted badly).
Anyway, mum and dad are much more important . I waited on the phone for my aged care until I had to go. I've found a place that will take them for 2 weeks respite. But again. they won't agree. Very expensive but gives everyone a break, but they won't go.
Sorry for rambling, I'm using this like my diary!

Oh forgot to add sister rang with a shopping list for mum and dad today, Down to the brand. I can't work out if that was thoughtful or bossy. Doesn't matter really. She also tole me to drive 40 minutes to het their tablets ( webster packs if people know what I mean) . I rang the chemist yesterday, they posted them express and they are on my kitchen bench now. This has been going on since April and it could easily moved to a chemist near us but when I suggested that she said crankily"we can worry about that later". Um, If you want to spend a fortune on petrol and 2 hours of your time then go you. I'm not. Actually that is something I may be able to get done when she is away. MOve the prescriptions to a local chemist.
I honestly am so tired and over it that I don't know what else to do.
My young lawyer son sent me a link to a law firm local to me that he found. You can have a free 20 minute q&a or have lunch ( not sure who pays lol) . I'm thinking of taking that up as they are specialist family lawyers.
Things really should be easier at such a stressful time of life for everyone.
Ta all for reading my thoughts. I'll try to cut down, well there will be nothing come Friday as I will be 24/7 carer. x

@mummy3456 any time you want to vent, I’ll be here. I’m just past your sunset.

I don’t know how you are keeping sane @mummy3456 I felt my blood pressure rising just at the situation with the dogs let alone everything else. It’s not fair on them, or your neighbour or you for your mum to create this drama.

No way would I be making my dogs stay outside just because your mum had developed an irrational dislike of them. I would be keeping them inside and if she doesn’t like it maybe the care home will seem preferable.

It's very hard to find a double room, and we had just found the one that my sister took them out of. The vast majority are single rooms, but my parents are basically intertwined mum would go into dad's room and they would fall asleep together in the single bed!. Plus spend all day together. I think that may be why they got bumped to the top of the list for a double room.

If anyone is still bothered reading we survived one day!! A lot of mum saying she is frightened, the dogs but not just the dogs, any loud nose, someone knocking on the door etc she says "ooowaa" and grabs her heart, thats new and not great. Dog knocked dads glass off the coffee table but that was fixed as we have one of those carpet water cleaner things. Otherwise went ok. She ate barely anything, but sister tells me she has't been for weeks.
From what I can gather from the quick handover my sister gave me - she gets up about midday or 1pm and dad makes her and him lunch and gives her a glass of wine. Then they watch TV for a couple of hours .Then she eats a tiny bit of dinner, takes her tablets and goes back to bed,Dad's tablets are completely out of whack, 3 days behind , mum's seem to be fine so not sure what to do about that.I'm just going to keep going with mums and give dad his new pack. This is about as stressed as I get so hopefully things will improve tomorrow.
Mum doesn't even know where she is and also couldn't pick 3 of her grandchildren out of a photo of just those 3, and she didn't know which was which name. It's very sad. She has loved those kids from the day they were born, done a 2 hour train trip regularly to come and stay with me when my DH was away with work. Had them stay with her and dad so we could go on holidays from when they were young. Pretty much the grandmother everyone wants, and now its all gone.Not going to cry so going to bed, as I have to be sleeping lightly in case she wanders around the house again. x
PS Only good thing got onto "my aged care" got my self added as a representative of Dad ( always was and for mum but something went wrong) so thats sorted and she gave me a list of things that they "subsidise" so I'm assumung that 50/50. Weirdly they gave 8 approvals ( OT, cleaning, personal care etc) to Dad ( who is basically looking after mum and 4 to mum). The wonders of beaureucracy!
I'll try to phone on Monday and see what I can sort , because there is also the 2 houses problem, will they approve grip rails in both our houses etc ( tbh I will just buy a grip rail and get DH to install it but things are going to get much bigger than that. Stay tuned for the next installment of the saga which will be either 1. a health crisis with one of my parents or 2. my sister buggering off to queensland ( which she muttered as she ran away after dropping mum and dad off this morning that she was going to see her DP, I have no idea where he works all I know is that he took a FIFO job for a year and that was 20 years ago and he's still FIFO.Maybe she's finally cracked it and said I'm going to live where you are? Who knows,It's not a close relationship obviously, maybe she's giving him an ultimatum. I have NFI.

eta - FIFO is fly in fly out, lots of mines and train lines in remote places use it. It ca be one week on one week off or 2 weeks on one week off etc.
Thanks agai for listening to my ramblings x

Still here, nothing to offer but a supportive shoulder to lean on

Keeping fingers crossed for a peaceful night.

Well , just like sister told me "they never wander at my house" even though my son who was sleeping on the lounge after a family gathering, and my youngest have had to walk her back to her room. That wasn't true. Though I guess maybe as it was Dad who wandered last night instead.
Oh and she told me that mum always sleeps until midday, well she was up and dressed by 8.30 and I had to sort their tablets for them as they have no idea. Now they are trying to put cards in order, they've been doing that for 3 hours. I put the dog food in the bowl and got "oohwah I can't breathe" . It's any slightly louder than normal noise. And mum keeps saying she is frightened. It's quite distressing.

Wish me luck until Monday and hopefully I can get some kind of carer to help for a couple of hours a day. My sister goes to work 3 days a week so only has 2 days on her own with them. she leaves them on the weekend too for a market stall. And apparently they sleep the whole time they are with her for those 2 days. I'm hiding in the 2nd lounge room and keeping the dogs company otherwise mum says she terrifies of them so I've locked them in with me.Gosh this is going to be a long week. And DH after not working for a year is back working full time. Of all the times!! And it's school holidays here. Couldn't be a worse time. Sigh. I'm off to replace DH as the minder and make them something to eat. Sorry if I sound like I don't love them . I do. So much. But after you've been asked "where's my hand bag?" and "when are we going home?" 30 times by 10 am it's hard. I know other people do this and worse , hats off to them.

Hang in there

Mum was asleep watching the tennis so Dad decided to have a nap. I took a chance and woke mum up to say " you'd be more comfortable in bed and dads already asleep". She was happy with that suggestion ( she will go anywhere my dad does) so they are now asleep in the spare / their room. I'll check them in an hour. I'm kind of worried that if they sleep too long they will be up all night. Anyway, taking this few minutes of calm with gratitude. Hopefully they will sleep a bit longer as they were up much earlier than my sister said ( 8am and she said midday).
I;ve booked mum in for a skin check and the closest time they had turns out to be her birthday! Not ideal but she has some awful looking lumps on her arms and head , plus her younger brother died of melanoma. So , I'll take her for cake first and then the 2pm appt. Ta for everyone listening to me bore on and on and on. I'm like Mrs Elf!!!
I booked the appt mainly because she asked me every 5 minutes to "feel this lump M" So now I can say already made the appt mum. x

Hats off to you @mummy3456 I done know how you can cope with it. They very definitely sound like they should be in a care home.

Watching the tennis was a good shout - sport is often a lot easier for people with cognitive impairment to follow than anything with much language involved.

I just wonder if they might listen to music later?? Were they ever music fans? In the past i've stuck Best of Bobby Darin or Frank Sinatra on for my mother in law a few times.

If there was ££ for a home while they still had their house, what about a live in carer at their house?

Do they get Attendance Allowance? AA each would subsidise the cost a bit.

It's very clear from your posts that you love your parents dearly OP. You're doing your absolute best for them in difficult circumstances. Trying to get them in a care home, where they will be better supported, is not loving them less, it doesn't make you a bad person, so please put those thoughts out of your mind.

Your sister on the other hand is doing them a disservice. Multiple doctors have said they need 24/7 care and she's leaving them up to 5 days a week for work and her market stall. It's probably only a matter of time until they have an accident in her home. Once your DPs are returned to her, I personally would be stating that under no circumstances will you have them back and she has to make other arrangements if she needs to go away again.

Did you ever have your meeting with you all in a cafe?

Stay strong, and feel free to vent here. We don't think badly of you and hopefully we can be a support of some kind, even if only a handhold or a few words of comfort x

This is also a diary of sorts, which will help when you need to give your reasons. Well done on booking the skin check in.

As @FiniteSagacity says. Keep making notes here.

Didn't have the meeting as sister was busy and said it could wait until she was back from holidays. I almost took mum to the hospital this morning. SHe says she's fallen over but she hasn't. She's cold( it was 32degrees where we are here in Aus). She keeps saying she's frightened. She walks 5 steps she says she can't breathe Her undies have blood all over them.I talked her back into bed to relax as this was only about 7am. She slept until midday.
I texted my sister saying I was very worried and was thinking of taking her to hospital. Sister said not to; she's like this every morning but will get better as the day goes on. She is panicked as the hospital will only discharge her to a nursing home ( she's not even supposed to be at my place due to the hard tiled floors and 4 big dogs. She was discharged to my sisters house on the grounds that she would stay a week and the nursing home they were briefly in said they would hold the room for 3 weeks but they refused to go.
I have boarded off kind of half of the house, with a spare door we had (!) and a whiteboard so the dogs are in their with me, until I'm needed which is about every 10 minutes.because mum is now terrified of them. SHe has loved them until about 2 weeks ago.
Also said today when we were chatting by me "hey dad I'm not a Grandma mum is". Then mum says "I'm not a Grandma!!". She has 5 grandchildren SHe said she only has one daughter. Spent the rest of tonight calling me my sisters name.

I've told my boys set me up in a care home with a fridge, lots of my favourite foods, heaps of wine and a tv that shows whatever I like, 100's of books and a laptop. Maybe try and visit me once a fortnight. between the 4 of them that 's only once every 2 months. But that is all I expect. No fecking around lurching from crisis to crisis. It's not fair on anyone.

DH is back to work tomorrow so it's me and the 12yo . Wish us luck. I'm trying to think of an easy game ( the only card game thry can play is rummy and they are getting terrible at that). They wouldn't understand UNO. I just need something to make the day go by nicely. Even just walking the 50 feet to my animals in the backyard is too much for mum. So that rules out walking around the block. Any ideas appreciated. Have I repeated myself sorry, I'm tired and off to bed.

@mummy3456 I know it’s late. Please, please stop listening to your sister and take your mum to hospital tomorrow. She shouldn’t be having blood in her knickers at her age.

i don’t know what to suggest further. What actions can you take without DSis undoing it as soon as she gets home without going to the Guardianship board? Can you get a son in to talk to your father man to man or does he still see them as children?

Ask your pharmacist what in the way of a sleeping tablet might be useful for your mum. If she can stop wandering at night for a few days, everyone might feel the better for the rest.

Not sure of your system , they will be assessed ( for the 3rd time!) and then they get different allowances for things like personal care, cleaner, gardener etc. This will have to be done at my sisters house ( previously done at their own house) but as I categorically think they should have stayed in the lovely care home thry were in with a double room - hard to find - and sister pulled them out I'm not having them live here. After Dad tripped over one of the dogs and landed on our tiled floor and then hospital the doctor wrote that it was not an apppropriate residence anyway. 24/7 care is way too expensive , the govt will subsidise some but you have to pay as well. I'm dedicating my day tomorrow to phoning prople and companies until I have this completely straight in my head.
Like would mum and dad be better renting out their house that's sitting empty and renting a smaller place without 17 outdoor stairs to grt to the front door?I could get her a place 5 minutes from me and 5 minutes from sis. We could alternate days and get s carer in for say 3 days? I just need to wrap my head around it. Going to make an appt with the family lawyer my son suggested for the first free meeting.
I'm just so bloody tired. Ta all