Help please not sure what to do with my parents,

[mummy3456]

Hi, My parents lived very successfully on their own until this year ( 88yo and 89yo). Since then they have been in and out of hospital 8 times between them ( since April 2024)
My sibling and I sorted them a lovely care home that we could each visit within 10 minutes drive. After 2 months when my sibing was there they said they hated it and were going to leave. Signed themselves out, sibling bought some groceries and left them in their own home, Texted me to say what was done!
2 weeks later ( and after many visits) I get a call from the neighbour that he'd had to call an ambulance for my mum. Dad couldn't work out how to use the phone but made it down the stairs and across to the neighbours ( he can barely walk - would have taken at least half an hour).

Months before this it was Dad who was sick and the hospital would not discharge to anything but a nursing home.
Mums hospital said the same.
My sibling took them home for the 1 week until the room that they had at the previous nursing home was ready. Got told 3 weeks was as long as they would hold the room.
Well she let it go, so that's gone.
They are living with her but the 24/7 care is not being met as she works 3 days a week. I take them to my place 2 a week for lunch but mum is suddenly terrified of our dogs, and if we put them out they bark.
Dad has already slipped over on our tiles ( not a house made for the elderly). The ambulance crew know the way here.

So ( sorry for ridiculously long post), my sis and I are joint POA and ENduring guardianship. So if I invoke it it doesn't matter as she has to as well. I have had 3 doctors tell me they need 24/7 care ( when they were in hospital at various times but I never got anyone to sign the forms so I am tragically waiting for one of them to have another trip to hospital) . My 12 yo is getting nervy around them and just kind and polite with the repetition, but it's a lot to ask.
They are both getting a bit aggressive,
Mum won't get changed. Dad won't shower.
It's a fecking disaster.
Sister, who caused all this in reality , has now said she needs a break. Gave me 10 days notice that she will be away for 12 days. I can understand that, but she made her bed and suddenly I have to lie in it, I can't drive at the moment due to a foot problem, added problem, my DH starts a new job in 2 days, My mum now weirdly hates my dogs and its school summer holidays here and I won't be able to leave the house so poor DC is stuck in the house. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?

Sorry for long post! Ridiculous.

@TheSandgroper this is almost exactly what one of the doctors told me. He said "next time theirs a crisis and their will be" go to the doctor listed in charge of whichever parent it is and say you want it noted that you do not want them discharged until its a nursing home you are happy with, or just refuse to take them home.

@mummy3456 you are not a terrible person. Absolutely not. You have been landed with a succession of terrible situations and your sister could generously be described as self-indulgent, which is not helpful.

You aren't terrible at all. Take a deep breath, think about your next steps and decide upon what you can do. Look for support for yourself both via organisations and family and friends if they are handy. Don't hide your sister.

I am sure your parents were working with the best of intentions in giving you both EG and LPOA but messes unfortunately can ensue.

Don't start thinking about everything your sister thinks you should do. Failing that, is there someone else in the family that your sister will take a "wtf?" phone call from?

Wishing you best of luck.

You’re not a terrible person!

Your sister though has shown a total lack of understanding re how vulnerable they are and failed to acknowledge that they were in the best place even if they didn’t like it. It’s awful of her to act without consulting you and then expect you to deal with the consequences. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and find them another care home before she can think about holidays.

Hmm, not sure your sister has done anything wrong but that maybe because there are legal and social care differences between the two countries.

At the point they left the care home, in the uk unless there is a deprivation of liberty order if they are insisting they want to go home then it may have reached the point that the care home said that she had to take them. Have the doctors actually performed a capacity test and documented it?

Yes, both of them have had capacity tests, and were given 63 days nursing home care paid for by the govt ,. That gives you time to sort finances for the longer term. 3 doctors at 2 different hospitals with each parent said they needed 24/7 care. One said they would go to the guadianship tribunal if my sister tried to send them back to their home, Dad was discharded to a nursing home and so was mum.
This was the place they were at for about 6 weeks, then they complained, then sister drives them home and 2 weeks later I get the call from the neighbour that he's had to call the ambos as mum was unwell and dad can't w9rk the phone,. After mum was in hospital for a few weeks they said she had to go somewhere with a doctor on site and 24/7 nursing or they would go to the guardianship tribunal as well. I wasn't there for that conversation. Then sister tells them it's only a week until they can go back into previous place, so they discharge her to my sisters place They held the room ( its a double) for 3 weeks and sister says they refuse to go so they can live at her place for the "medium" term.
And then I get a text saying she is going away from the 18/1 -27/1 for a break
Is that clear now? Gosh I hope she's not on MN! meaning I am looking after them, which I honestly wouldn;t mind, but unlike her I won't leave them lone. And I am not oeaving with my 12yo, DH would have taken leave but literlly starts a new job on 8/1.
The cost of respite is enormous . I'm just going to tough it out which would be fine but it means mt 12yo cant leave the house for the last 2 weeks of the holidays , and I will be on edge the entire time as mum loved our dogs until about 2 weeks ago.
We brought her over to our place as we have the perfect view of the little local fireworks. I sked her in the morning and she didn't know what I was talking about.
She's always tired , and always cold.
None of this seems good to me .
orry if Ive repeated myself. 2024 was shit.
love to all

Yes that’s clear. Your sister has been obstructive for some reason. One option is you could arrange their care from the day your sister goes on holiday. Pick them up from your sisters house (it’s important that you do the collecting, she doesn’t drop them off to you) and take them directly to the care home. It’s sneaky but you’d be acting in their best interests.

Alterntively, you could arrange a live in carer for your sisters house and tell your sister it is that option, or they go into care but they are not coming to you.

Agree
They should have never left the care home
What was your sister thinking?

I'll write it before someone else does - I'm a terrible person.

No, you’re categorically not.

Neither are you a carer. If you take them when your sister is away she will probably never take them back. It’s shitty to say no but it gets easier, and in the long run you’ll be glad you did. Look after yourself and your DS.

@mummy3456 it sounds like finances might be a factor in your sister’s choices but she is actively going against medical advice and has already found she needs a break.

Does the value for money of a care home need a re-think?

A year ago the cost made my eyes water but our 2024 was a shitshow too - and me and my siblings were all working together but DF still had crisis after crisis. He has no insight into his needs.

We all now see the expensive nursing home is worth every penny for the team of people who meet DFs needs those pennies buy. We had to clear and sell his house to fund it but needs must. We could not meet his needs.

I really feel for you as you seem to have realised a care home is needed. I’m sorry your sister is burying her head in the sand and expecting you to make such extreme sacrifices while she goes on a holiday. You are not a terrible person.

You'll need to translate this for the Australian system, but your sister is clearly acting against the best interests of your parents. If this were the UK I'd say raise a safeguarding alert with the local authority, get them into a home (ideally while she's away) with a deprivation of liberty order so neither they nor your sister can remove them again, and look at getting her removed from the PoA.

And the only terrible person in this scenario is your sister - not you.

Honestly, let them hate you. I’m afraid it will only be downhill from here. The aggression, repetitions and lack of hygiene are clear signs that they are deteriorating and, sorry to be negative but it’s probably only a matter of time before they no longer recognise you.

Your sister made her choice, she must live with it. Prioritise your child and husband.

Thanks for all the help.
We've lost the place in the nursing home so that's gone.
And we've used the respite. . Old aged care in Australia is stuffed. The thing that is worrying me the most is I know my mum and she's getting snappy , previously the genuinely nicest person in the world, so many friends, still friends with people she met when she was 5yo)..
Now she's constantly cold , I mean it is often high 20's here but we have the aircon set to 24 and I don't think that's cold. Snapping at dad for telling her to put on her nightie but insisting on sleeping in the clothes she's worn all day. The repetitive chat I am used to but it's hard. When they are here for lunch my poor 12yo ( a boy actually - just because of a mix up with a pp) answers her questions over and over. But that's lunch. A few nights when dad was in hospital , she was with us and he got up to get a drink and he found her wandering around and walked her back to her room. I said he should have woken me up. I've told him he has to now.
They have to sell the house and pay for a nursing home. I've been saying for 3 years they should sell that dangerous house ( 17 steps outside to the front door) but they will only take suggestions from my sister, so that was ignored. They would have been able to buy a smaller place and have money in the bank for a carer a few days a week and my sister and I do the other days.
Sorry for ramble. I'm lost.

Ring my aged care and ask for urgent advice.

I have rung my aged care, and suddenly I'm only able to speak on my mums behalf. Though for months I've been speaking to them about dad.
Anyway, possible good news , sister has suggested a meeting at a cafe with mum and dad and her and me. I'll leave my 12yo at home alone ( we have big dogs) and he's probably safer there. My parents are going to go ballistic. After so long I have finally got my sister vaguely onside but mum and dad are going to lose it.
I know Dad will storm out , and mum does whatever he does . My money is them going to the lawyer( who is a vague family friend of mums ) and revoking both the POA's and enduring guardianships. . We are meeting next week. Sister is too busy this week. I just want to crawl under a doona.
If my sister says fine we won't activate it and I say yes we should, mum will forget within 5 minutes but Dad will go batshit.. About a month ago when I suggested something he glared at me for a good 5 minutes. I had to leave the room. He's better now, but mum is getting cross. Feck me.
Thanks for all responses.

I know what you mean we have just used a steam cleaner to clean a brand new mattress. I mean , they're my parents and I love them but they need to be in a nursing home. Sister has suddenhly realised that mum and dad's house will have to be sold , so I don't know if that's why she's keen to keep them home. That could be wrong, but she's a secret squirrel and only answers 1 out of 10 of my questions. 6 months ago she was telling mum "don't worry about the house you've got years to worry about that". I was quietly think are you mad?

I can't do that the room is gone, and we are now at the back of the queue. I have found a place that will take them for respite, it's not cheap and I'm not wealthy . Translating into pounds its 60GBP every day plus a lot of extras.And I have to pay for the whole 2 weeks even though they will be there for 10 days. And they will hate me.
I've decided to just bring them here for my sisters holidays ( only because my 12yo is here) and he can look after the dogs and the house whenever I have to take the parents anywhere. I love my mum soooooo much, so does everyone that knows her but with DH starting a new job tomorrow I'm feelng very overwhelmed. I will get through it though. I've been through worse. x

I did ask her to move her holiday to February as my DH hasn't worked for a year or so mainly health reasons), and then my DS12 would be at school so I could spend all day focussing on my parents. No response, except that she had already got the leave approved. SHe's worked there for 10 years , I'm astounded that they wouldn't move her leave by 1 month.

It should be them paying from their income/funds? I don't know if it's the same in Australia, do you both have POA for finances as well?

I suppose that although it should be them paying for the respite care, they wouldn’t pay because they are not acknowledging the need. At some point you are going to have to let them accept the consequences of their bad decisions @mummy3456 you can’t protect them from themselves forever. It will probably take a crisis for them to understand they need to be in a care home.

Thats the meeting we are going to have next week. I will say Yes we should sign the POA and the Enduring Guardinship. My sister will say No. My mum will say Yes . My dad will say No. He wll seriously get my sister to drive to the lawyer ( who was chosen by my mum 40 years ago because they were a a cousin of her best friend) And that will be the end of that. Wish me well but it's hopeless. I love my mum so much but I don't know what to do.
Thanks to everyone who has got through my muddled thinking.

OP I sympathize / what an awful situation.
slightly different as we are in Uk, and MIL has capacity (forgetful) but very very limited mobility.

she wanted to stay in her home but after the latest of several falls, that had to stop. She has 3 children (all living a couple of hours away with various responsibilities) who effectively babysat her for a month. They found the best care home (extortionate) and waited for a place.

It’s perfect but everything is wrong with it. MIL wants other options checked out but really wants to go home and carry on as before - not possible. She’d need 24/7 support which would be even more expensive and she’d hate having different people in her home.

All 3 siblings are aligned, and are very supportive, but engaged in a kick the can down the road… yes we will look at alternatives, but slowly and repetitively explain why the alternatives won’t work. She has capacity but definitely forgets aspects and has a very self centered selfish approach to life with no appreciation for the impact on others.

i hope your sister sees sense. Good luck.

As it's joint it doesn't matter what I do , sad

With the cafe meeting next week, do you have someone (a man) you can take because would df be happy to lose face in front of a man by throwing a tantrum and/or would he listen to a man saying “mate, this is a good thing that the girls are doing “?

This happened with my grandfather. He had 6 daughters and argued that he didn’t need care. None of them could convince him.
In the end my Dad went with Mum to have the conversation again.
Grandfather asked for 2 weeks to think about it, Dad gave him 20 minutes to get packed.
Is there a male figure that your Dad respects and listens to?