Help please not sure what to do with my parents,

[mummy3456]

Hi, My parents lived very successfully on their own until this year ( 88yo and 89yo). Since then they have been in and out of hospital 8 times between them ( since April 2024)
My sibling and I sorted them a lovely care home that we could each visit within 10 minutes drive. After 2 months when my sibing was there they said they hated it and were going to leave. Signed themselves out, sibling bought some groceries and left them in their own home, Texted me to say what was done!
2 weeks later ( and after many visits) I get a call from the neighbour that he'd had to call an ambulance for my mum. Dad couldn't work out how to use the phone but made it down the stairs and across to the neighbours ( he can barely walk - would have taken at least half an hour).

Months before this it was Dad who was sick and the hospital would not discharge to anything but a nursing home.
Mums hospital said the same.
My sibling took them home for the 1 week until the room that they had at the previous nursing home was ready. Got told 3 weeks was as long as they would hold the room.
Well she let it go, so that's gone.
They are living with her but the 24/7 care is not being met as she works 3 days a week. I take them to my place 2 a week for lunch but mum is suddenly terrified of our dogs, and if we put them out they bark.
Dad has already slipped over on our tiles ( not a house made for the elderly). The ambulance crew know the way here.

So ( sorry for ridiculously long post), my sis and I are joint POA and ENduring guardianship. So if I invoke it it doesn't matter as she has to as well. I have had 3 doctors tell me they need 24/7 care ( when they were in hospital at various times but I never got anyone to sign the forms so I am tragically waiting for one of them to have another trip to hospital) . My 12 yo is getting nervy around them and just kind and polite with the repetition, but it's a lot to ask.
They are both getting a bit aggressive,
Mum won't get changed. Dad won't shower.
It's a fecking disaster.
Sister, who caused all this in reality , has now said she needs a break. Gave me 10 days notice that she will be away for 12 days. I can understand that, but she made her bed and suddenly I have to lie in it, I can't drive at the moment due to a foot problem, added problem, my DH starts a new job in 2 days, My mum now weirdly hates my dogs and its school summer holidays here and I won't be able to leave the house so poor DC is stuck in the house. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?

Sorry for long post! Ridiculous.

I've got some herbal sleep aids. When I take her for the skin check I'll ask the doctor. SHe's on so many tablets! I think it's 9 of a morning, 1 at lunch and 8 at dinner!!! Seems ridiculous to me but the 2 weeks they went home ( courtesy of dear sis) she didn't take them and was in hospital for 3 weeks.
I'll check the knickers tomorrow as I am going to insist she has a shower. Been here 3 days without one so far. It's going to be a battle but I will win!😅

I've been reading this thus far.

I would be tempted to bring your DM into hospital regardless of your Dsis comments. Her symptoms combined sound genuinely concerning and yes she should be in a care home. If your Dsis wants to keep them at home with her, that's her lookout but I wouldn't be engaging in the madness any more.

I will do what I can for my DPs when the time comes but I draw the line around personal care. Thankfully I am an only DC which seems more of a blessing than it used to.

I don't think your DPs can live independently - well actually it's not me who thinks that it's trained medical professionals- so I wouldn't investigate that option. It sounds like a really good idea to research what costs are covered for care homes and what options there are.

I concur. Hospital - while your sister is out of the way. Don't collude in her neglect.

So you are saying take mum to hospital. Fine, but she won't go anywhere without dad and he is well after 3 months in hospital. He looks after her. So I don;t see how that will work.. Bloody hell they really couldn't make it more difficult. Australia has a fabulous free health system, except when you're elderly then it all goes to hell. An hour on the phone today , given 3 wrong numbers and different info from everyone I spoke to. Imagine doing that at 89yo on your own The system sux. And I'm tired and upset and having mum running to me "oh I'm so frightened " and clinging to me is pretty awful. I don't know why I've picked you poor dudes to unoad on but thank you, x
But mum won't go to a home without dad. They are intertwined as I said. Lost without each other. I;m getting a call from ACAT this week ( Austraian aged care) and hoping they will approve a carer for mum and dad in my sisters house, even just for the hours she is away at work. Plus a cleaner and domestic help. That should buy us a few months.Im ringing tomorrow . FX

Dad is a massive music fan. Loves Sinatra and actually owns a copy of the Beatles white album original. Plus anything classical! No idea where the Beatles album is now though :(.Mum a big Neil Diamond fan, thank you this is a great idea as we have hundreds of CD's ( old school I know and some vinyl). I just bought DP a stereo system including a record player as a pressie so that's brilliant. I'll have to drive to their house to get mum and dad's stuff but that;s ok. Ta

I hope you won the shower battle @mummy3456 - everyone feels better when they’re clean and I hope the music helps and you get somewhere with ACAT.

A win. Got mum in the shower. Used a garden chair but needs must. Lasted about 2 minutes but she's in fresh clothes and clean. Tick . Got onto ACAT ( the Australian aged care system and got both their files moved to where i live ( not where they used to live ) and as its a second assessment it's only a phone call to check what their new needs are. I've given them my number and name but they have to be around. So I'll have to beg for 15 minutes and bolt to sisters house if they aren't at mine when they ring. Got registered as representative for both of them definitely.
Anyway I'm classing that as a tick too.
They are loving watching the Aus Open ( god knows why its held in actual midsummer) but it's always good,
Mum is a lot better today although she slept until 12,30 this afternoon. So had breakfast at 1pm ( after the shower , yay) so I'm not sending her to hospital. Well not at the minute anyways. They are glued together watching the AO and having a glass of wine so I'm going with live and let live. They've had their tablets.Tick.
Just waiting on the phone call now, lovely lady said she'd bump me up the queue as they have been so unwell. x

The doctors seem to say they don’t have capacity but this happens when they are in hospital.
Is this then related to what has recently happened to get them there and therefore temporary. Have the doctors confirmed this
Or has a doctor confirmed they no longer have capacity to be self sufficient and never will again.

Have they been seen by their GPS, who will know them better for a full assessment of their capacity both mental and physical.
Has anyone professional visited them at home.

If this isn’t the case and your parents don’t want to be in a care home but need some additional support then maybe they could chose
to have a carer at their home, if that’s possible.
or regular visiting carers
a personal alarm that they press that calls a helpline (as there was that phone issue)

They could then have their independence and be in their own home.

How are you doing @mummy3456 ? I hope you’re managing to look after yourself.

Hey, @SockFluffInTheBath thanks so much for asking. I haven't been back to hospital since new years day so that's a positive.Mum and Dad are still lliving with my sister and as I've said every doctor says it's just a matter of time until there is the next crisis. My mum, the most charismatic person I have ever met, who was never off the phone to a friend or out with a friend is not getting out of bed until early afternoon. . When she stayed with me last month I had to talk her into calling just one of her many friends. She wasn't keen. This is a woman who spent half her life on the phone ,or hosting parties , when she wasn't at work. It's very sad.
I actually have an appt with a psych , and I'm not a fan, in 3 weeks. Extortionate and doubt it will help but I'm trying to be a good girl and do what I'm told.
Of course in all this chaos DH has got a full time job so I have to do the school run so no going somewhere for a rest.
I'm thinking of posting a photo but I know you aren't supposed to.
Can I put it up for 5 seconds and then delete?

It's just she was almost a model but her mum wanted her to marry and settle down. Back in the 50's and 60's there were "society pages" in the newspapers and mum was in so many.

I feel sick all the time and walk, like a 100yo. Not sure what that is about. The only thing I like to eat are those chocolate weight loss shakes. I haven't lost any weight though.
The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is my 12yo. My oldest 3 are in their 20's and live 2 hours away. Thank goodness for the little unexpected surprise 12 years ago. Sorry for being boring, I will get the youngest to upload a photo for me in the morning. Ta.

Sounds like burnout OP, not good. You really need to take some time for yourself.

I can't. I have 4 dogs , 2 cats , 2 sheep and a pony. Considering another kitten as it was abandoned around the corner, and an acreage to look after. My house is a tip since I had problems with me foot. Sometimes I can walk, sometimes I can't. Super annoying.To be honest I just want to go to bed for a month or so.

Your DC is 12 so capable of doing a bit of hoovering and taking the bins out. Your DH works, but your home is not a hotel. Do you meditate? Can do a 10 minute session and it will turn you round.

no I don't know about meditation. Im not a spiritual person , sorry

Neither am I! Not a single bone in my body 😂 it’s just about your breathing, slowing yourself down etc I’m not into sage and god but it I find it helps.

I suspect a full time carer would go round the bend quite quickly too! The advantage of a care home is the care is a team effort. If a client and carer are not getting along so well assignments can be shuffled around a bit.

OP you're not a terrible person for not looking after them. Keep your boundaries strong. Your parents are upsetting your child and making it so your child's home isn't a sad place for your child. This isn't ok. Your parents should not be in your home, end of. Take them out for lunch instead or if that's not possible don't take them at all while sister works, she'll have to get a carer in instead. Tough luck if she doesn't like paying for that, she's the one who chose this situation of her being their carer.

Ask your sister why she's given you notice of her holiday. Make her spell it out to you that she wants you to care for them while she's away. Then tell her you're not taking them into your home under any circumstances. Neither will you be moving into her home to care for them, or visiting them daily, or paying for a carer for them. Your sister decided to take on their care, against your wishes. She doesn't now get to delegate her responsibility for that care onto to you. If she wants a break she needs to arrange respite care for them.

If she doesn't arrange respite care and goes on holiday I'd call the police and tell them there's vulnerable people alone because their carer has gone on holiday. Hopefully they can do something, make a referral somewhere appropriate so your parents can be taken into care against their will because there's no carer, they're incapable of looking after themselves and they lack capacity. Hold firm and let them all hate you. You can't control how others feel.

What you can control is your child's welfare and keeping your child's home a safe place for your child to live. You can control your own welfare and not burning out so you can't be a good mum and wife. Your nuclear family who you created comes first, not your extended family.

I feel sick all the time and walk, like a 100yo.

It could be pain making you feel sick. You've hurt your foot. Go to the pharmacy for some strong painkillers and see if it helps. Don't injure the foot by walking on it more though, sorry to state the obvious but just in case you need to hear it - all the painkillers will do is mask the pain, they won't actually make your foot better, you still need to rest it.

And I agree with others, get your 12yr old doing some house chores, cleaning it's good practice for later in life and also learning compassion for unwell people. An hour once a week spent emptying bins, vacuuming and sweeping floors, putting on some laundry and hanging it out after it's done and doing a load of dishes or running the dishwasher - it won't harm the child and it's not a massive imposition it's only an hour. It won't entirely fix your house being a tip, I expect that would need a lot more than an hour if it's got out of hand, but it'll help.

If they don't have capacity and are in a state.
Call social services and arrange an emergency placement until you find something nice for them.

Please, please stop listening to your sister and take your mum to hospital tomorrow. She shouldn’t be having blood in her knickers at her age.

I agree with this. Stop asking your sister's permission for everything, just decide for yourself and then do it. You can inform her later when she's back off holiday.

With blood in her underwear it could be something non serious like piles or it could be something bad like cervical cancer. It needs investigation.

For the "where's my handbag?" issue can you get her a cross body bag? IDK if that would help.

I just need something to make the day go by nicely.

Have you seen the adult colouring books? Maybe they'd engage with that. I get ones called Relax With Art and Zen Colouring. I do half hour before bed. They're relaxing and calm the brain, you should get one for yourself too.

Do they listen to the radio? Do you have a channel that tells stories? Or would they listen to those sleep stories on YouTube or on apps like Headspace? They're really peaceful too.

Is there anything they like that can bring them comfort. Eg my MIL had a cat. She never had one all her life but in the care home they gave her a cat and she loved it. It turned it's head and miaowed when you entered the room and it purred when you stroked it. It was very fluffy. MIL thought it was real. Some of the others had baby-dolls they thought was their baby and cared for it. Is there anything like this they enjoy which could be as if it was a comfort blanket to them?

Maybe games need to be more basic like playing Snap with cards or board games like Snakes and Ladders or paper games like Noughts and Crosses (Americans call it Tic Tac Toe I think so maybe you know it by that name instead).

ill check it out. So many people I know are dying or getting cancer or getting divorced. All in their 50's . Surely that's not normal. wtf? And i feel like i'm 100 and just in a cloud of doom. So sorry to bother you all. Thanks for all the great advice.

I will def look into the cross body bag thank you @mnisawasteoftime . It's her birthday in a couple of weeks. She will be 90! That's a great idea. I don't think they could manage the colouring books but I would like one. During Covid I did a few of those paint by numbers for adults and they are really nice. People always say how nice they are.I'm currently trying to do a rug thing ( loop?) can't remember but I've given up half way through. And my embroidery. I can read most books in a few hours ( have done since I was a kid). Now I have to get extensions from the library after 3 weeks. Pathetic.I can't even get a cleaner in as the place is so messy they wouldn't be able to do anything. So embarrassing. I seem to have just fallen to pieces. And for no excuse. Snap card game is a good idea. We will play that when they come for lunch on Tuesday as they sadly have lost the ability to play rummy, which was their favourite. I'm being a bore. Have a good day everyone, esp @SockFluffInTheBath for checking in on me.

Get the cleaner OP. Just tell them to tidy first and clean in whatever time is left. This is what I'd do -

Get some kind of crate/tub/basket for the living room and label it "electronics" so any chargers, phones, remotes etc she'll know to put in there and later you'll all know where to look for your stuff when you need it. Everything else can be kicked to the side of the room and she can vacuum the middle.

Tell her to make the beds and put everything from the floor onto the beds then vacuum. Worst case scenario, you go up to bed and sweep it all back onto the floor again. You'll be no worse off than before and at least the floor is clean. There's also the chance you'll put some of it back where it belongs.

Tell her to collect up and fold any clean clothes and put in a pile somewhere suitable, eg table, kitchen worktop, bed, sofa etc just anywhere clean. If it's already in a pile you'll be more likely to put it away.

Tell her to put any clean dishes and cutlery away in cupboards and drawers. It doesn't matter if she gets it wrong, there's a limited number of cupboards in your kitchen and you'll find what you want soon enough. Then tell her to load the dishwasher and start it or fill the sink with water and pile dishes in. If someone has started the job it is far more likely you'll finish it.

Then with whatever time is left she can clean whatever seems worse.

There's a Flylady thread in Housekeeping section of this forum called Fledgelings if you want cleaning motivation with others.