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Elderly parents
Original poster

Help please not sure what to do with my parents,

116 replies

mummy3456 · 04/01/2025 04:47

Hi, My parents lived very successfully on their own until this year ( 88yo and 89yo). Since then they have been in and out of hospital 8 times between them ( since April 2024)
My sibling and I sorted them a lovely care home that we could each visit within 10 minutes drive. After 2 months when my sibing was there they said they hated it and were going to leave. Signed themselves out, sibling bought some groceries and left them in their own home, Texted me to say what was done!
2 weeks later ( and after many visits) I get a call from the neighbour that he'd had to call an ambulance for my mum. Dad couldn't work out how to use the phone but made it down the stairs and across to the neighbours ( he can barely walk - would have taken at least half an hour).

Months before this it was Dad who was sick and the hospital would not discharge to anything but a nursing home.
Mums hospital said the same.
My sibling took them home for the 1 week until the room that they had at the previous nursing home was ready. Got told 3 weeks was as long as they would hold the room.
Well she let it go, so that's gone.
They are living with her but the 24/7 care is not being met as she works 3 days a week. I take them to my place 2 a week for lunch but mum is suddenly terrified of our dogs, and if we put them out they bark.
Dad has already slipped over on our tiles ( not a house made for the elderly). The ambulance crew know the way here.

So ( sorry for ridiculously long post), my sis and I are joint POA and ENduring guardianship. So if I invoke it it doesn't matter as she has to as well. I have had 3 doctors tell me they need 24/7 care ( when they were in hospital at various times but I never got anyone to sign the forms so I am tragically waiting for one of them to have another trip to hospital) . My 12 yo is getting nervy around them and just kind and polite with the repetition, but it's a lot to ask.
They are both getting a bit aggressive,
Mum won't get changed. Dad won't shower.
It's a fecking disaster.
Sister, who caused all this in reality , has now said she needs a break. Gave me 10 days notice that she will be away for 12 days. I can understand that, but she made her bed and suddenly I have to lie in it, I can't drive at the moment due to a foot problem, added problem, my DH starts a new job in 2 days, My mum now weirdly hates my dogs and its school summer holidays here and I won't be able to leave the house so poor DC is stuck in the house. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?

Sorry for long post! Ridiculous.

OP posts:
LetsGoOverThere · 02/02/2025 03:26

No advice but wanted to send support! I'm not surprised you are overwhelmed. Hope things improve sooner rather than later

Original poster
mummy3456 · 02/02/2025 08:14

mnisawasteoftime · 02/02/2025 02:59

Get the cleaner OP. Just tell them to tidy first and clean in whatever time is left. This is what I'd do -

Get some kind of crate/tub/basket for the living room and label it "electronics" so any chargers, phones, remotes etc she'll know to put in there and later you'll all know where to look for your stuff when you need it. Everything else can be kicked to the side of the room and she can vacuum the middle.

Tell her to make the beds and put everything from the floor onto the beds then vacuum. Worst case scenario, you go up to bed and sweep it all back onto the floor again. You'll be no worse off than before and at least the floor is clean. There's also the chance you'll put some of it back where it belongs.

Tell her to collect up and fold any clean clothes and put in a pile somewhere suitable, eg table, kitchen worktop, bed, sofa etc just anywhere clean. If it's already in a pile you'll be more likely to put it away.

Tell her to put any clean dishes and cutlery away in cupboards and drawers. It doesn't matter if she gets it wrong, there's a limited number of cupboards in your kitchen and you'll find what you want soon enough. Then tell her to load the dishwasher and start it or fill the sink with water and pile dishes in. If someone has started the job it is far more likely you'll finish it.

Then with whatever time is left she can clean whatever seems worse.

There's a Flylady thread in Housekeeping section of this forum called Fledgelings if you want cleaning motivation with others.

You are a wonder but al the cleaners live locally, This is a tiny suburb/town . So embarasssing,

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 02/02/2025 08:23

I will just have to do it myself. My stupid foot doesnt help. My 30yo and his fiancee actually offered to come and help with our junk room.Dying of embarassment. They know I can't t cope

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 02/02/2025 09:05

It’s not that you can’t cope. It’s that your day/week/head has been filled to overflowing. Something can be handed over to someone else for a bit. Would it be so bad for your neighbours to know that you are at the end of your tether?

Ask a few mates who is good and discreet.

rookiemere · 02/02/2025 12:50

mummy3456 · 02/02/2025 08:23

I will just have to do it myself. My stupid foot doesnt help. My 30yo and his fiancee actually offered to come and help with our junk room.Dying of embarassment. They know I can't t cope

It's very kind of them to offer, but it feels a bit like history repeating itself. Honestly it sounds as if you are so hard on yourself. If everyone kept a perfect home, there would be no need for cleaners to exist.

Get yourself into better habits than your DPs, pay the money for a cleaner to do the basics, use the extra time to get a bit more on top of the tidying. If you have a junk room that everything goes into for a period of time - that's absolutely fine. But far easier now to pay someone for their time and then you won't be so resistant to it in your later years.

mnisawasteoftime · 02/02/2025 14:43

mummy3456 · 02/02/2025 08:23

I will just have to do it myself. My stupid foot doesnt help. My 30yo and his fiancee actually offered to come and help with our junk room.Dying of embarassment. They know I can't t cope

Take them up n the offer. We all have times I life we can't cope. Helping people in that state is what we should be doing. Don't reject the help, accept it and have fun with your DC and fiancée whilst it's happening. Don't isolate yourself, connect.

I'd swallow your embarrassment with the cleaner. Explain your struggling due to injury and things have got out of hand. It happens. So she'll gossip and everyone will know you're a human being not superwoman. So what? Hold your head high, struggling isn't a failure or a character flaw. Your home will soon by clean and tidy again and you'll develop routines to keep it that way (the thread I mentioned will help), then the gossips will move onto talking about someone else and you'll be forgotten.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 03/02/2025 02:21

@mnisawasteoftime what a wise post 😊

Original poster
mummy3456 · 03/02/2025 10:09

My oldest and his fiancee will be more than happy to help.The room is useless at the moment and I have plans for it, to be another spare bedroom/study ( 4 kids - 3 with partners need space. I suppose I should take them up on their offer. I'm just embarassed. My almost DIL having to help with my house. And I dont even work ( well not for money) Just a lazy sod really.

OP posts:
takeabreaker · 03/02/2025 10:21

You are not a lazy sod, you are struggling and if help is offered please grab it with both hands. Who knows when the shoe might be on the other foot and they might need help in future. For now please stop beating yourself up, you deserve some help and support, you are worth it.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 03/02/2025 10:35

@mnisawasteoftime Thank you for your wisdom. I'm not going to get the kitten and I am going to ask my oldest and his DF to come and help for a weekend, I don't think you know how bad it is.I have trouble loadingg photos but it would be great to do a before and after.
Attempting to ooad photo now!

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 03/02/2025 10:43

Just spoke to one of my DC . He was worried about me. So sad when your kids worry about you.
I have to get to the supreme court for one of my boys to be inducted as a lawyer. It's a 2.5 hour drive.Then he wants to have lunch with my ex ( his dad) and me but I need to pick up my youngest at 4pm at the latest, which is also 2.5 hours away DH can't ask for a day off as he only started in January. The maths doesn't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 16/02/2025 12:48

DH has come to the rescue and so I get to see one of my sons inducted as a solictor, after more bad and sad times than most people could realise, he is a champion.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 16/02/2025 13:10

I am so pleased for you. I imagine you were immensely proud and I also imagine ds was immensely proud to be inducted in front of you. You have all worked very hard to get to the day.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 18/02/2025 10:21

OP, there seems to be a bit of a pattern of people not facing up to responsibility on other people in your family!

Your DP won't face up to their care needs and have dumped this on you and your sister.
Your sister has facilitated getting them out a care home and has now dumped on you.
You now can't cope with sounds like quite a lot of responsibility and now your parents on top of that.
Your adult kids are having to step in because you can't cope and it sounds like a grim situation for your 12 year old.

I'd work out what your major responsibilities are (your 12 year old, your DP, your living environment), and whether or not you can realistically keep on all your animals, and whether it'd be better for your family overall to get paid work, even if it's to stop yourself being a dumping opportunity for your DPs and DSis.

And then start refusing to take on tasks that belong to other people - your DS sprung your parents from the nursing home, she can sort them out. You might need to play hardball to do this but it will be worth your health and worth it to your children.

Otherwise - and I don't want to sound too harsh - you're just going to be part of a cycle that will end up with your kids having to sort out you when you're sick and also the clutter and animals, which will take their resources away from their kids, and so on and so on. Break the cycle.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 18/02/2025 14:23

HoraceGoesBonkers · 18/02/2025 10:21

OP, there seems to be a bit of a pattern of people not facing up to responsibility on other people in your family!

Your DP won't face up to their care needs and have dumped this on you and your sister.
Your sister has facilitated getting them out a care home and has now dumped on you.
You now can't cope with sounds like quite a lot of responsibility and now your parents on top of that.
Your adult kids are having to step in because you can't cope and it sounds like a grim situation for your 12 year old.

I'd work out what your major responsibilities are (your 12 year old, your DP, your living environment), and whether or not you can realistically keep on all your animals, and whether it'd be better for your family overall to get paid work, even if it's to stop yourself being a dumping opportunity for your DPs and DSis.

And then start refusing to take on tasks that belong to other people - your DS sprung your parents from the nursing home, she can sort them out. You might need to play hardball to do this but it will be worth your health and worth it to your children.

Otherwise - and I don't want to sound too harsh - you're just going to be part of a cycle that will end up with your kids having to sort out you when you're sick and also the clutter and animals, which will take their resources away from their kids, and so on and so on. Break the cycle.

All of this. It was never going to end well. I literally wrote in capital letters weeks ago don't let them move in. Your husband has the patience of a saint, l would go berserk if my husband did this to me. It's not fair on you, your children, your husband or your parents. You need to put your foot down ASAP

SockFluffInTheBath · 19/02/2025 17:38

Gently, the previous 2 posts wrote a lot of sense OP. This is your clarion call. Prioritise your 12 yo and yourself, don’t sleepwalk into becoming your parents and loading your DC

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