Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Do you ever find other people not dealing with all of this simply don’t have a clue either?
I’ve just been told via text from a friend to basically stop enabling DM because I tried to help her with something this weekend which I hoped she could manage alone after some practice, but it’s evident she simply can’t. Friend basically said I should leave DM with it and she would learn to stand on her own two feet. We’re talking about DM who is recently widowed, on a fairly hefty mental health concoction of meds after being sectioned 18 months ago, in her mid 70s and last time she was “left to it” tried to transfer half her savings to a random person who knocked on the door and did some work on the house. No diagnosis of dementia at this stage but I imagine we are heading there. I had to delete my friend’s text and not reply as I would have said something I would probably have regretted. We are just in different places and they don’t get it. Maybe I wouldn’t have either a few years ago.

@StripyMug I hope your mum is seen soon and you can go home. That is a very long afternoon after recent falls as well!

@SockFluffInTheBath, fingers crossed the care assessment can take place soon and put some very much needed help in place.

@Earlydarkdays having elderly parents is just like having a baby. Everyone has an opinion on what and how you should be doing. Those with no baby/olds are particularly vociferous in sharing what they would like to think they will do when it’s their turn.

@Earlydarkdays the ability to give a brief shake of the head, delete or hide a message, and go on making the best of things is an invaluable skill.

@SockFluffInTheBath having elderly parents is just like having a baby. Everyone has an opinion on what and how you should be doing. An apt parallel. But like young Mums we can sit in coffee shops swapping gripes experiences (as I was with an old friend today). Hmm awkward and acting out - perhaps that could be a new game - "teenager or oldie"?

Absolutely spot on with the new baby/elderly parents comparison in terms of those who look on and comment. And thank goodness we can swap notes! That is what is so cathartic about this place!!

Mum is now safely back at the care home, bruised but no broken bones. I find it so hard as I obviously don't want her to suffer and she was very confused about why she was at the hospital and what had happened but she kept wanting to hold my hand & stroke my arm which triggered a kind of revulsion - I just do not want her to touch me! Then she said she loves me, which is a new thing as she definitely never said it until about a month ago!

Sounds like you had a long day @StripyMug glad nothing was broken. Isn’t it odd how they change.

Been on the 250 miles each way journey to see DMIL in hospital. The plan is to send her back home this week. Although there were heart-attack symptoms, tests have been inconclusive and there is no sign of any significant new health problems. We feel sorry for the hospital staff though as she refuses to wear her hearing aids, is insisting on staying in bed even though she has no problems at home (manages to move around with a walker) and is complaining loudly that the food isn't to her liking and questioning why she needs certain medicines. The first thing she did when we arrived was complain that we don't visit her often enough. (It's been just over 4 weeks and the often appalling weather makes journeys difficult at this time of year). DH has put his foot down and said we are not visiting again until she is back home! We don't want her to think that we will visit more often if she stays in hospital!
We went to her flat and brought her some things that we thought she would like as well. I have emptied all the out of date food from her fridge (3 pedal bin liners full)! Apparently she won't let the carers do it and gets agitated and upset if they try to do so. I don't have any such qualms.

FIL assessment could take 3 weeks, got district nurse visits as interim measure. Breathe.

Too early for solidarité wine?

I wish but I am at work. Tonight is the first night of carers putting DDad into bed (or not as the case may be if he refuses) however he has just given us a case of vino because he can't drink anymore so 🍷'o' clock later that way we can't be called up to go and put him into bed. I will save some for you @SockFluffInTheBath

@SockFluffInTheBath It's never too early for solidarité wine!
I'm sure when I visit on Wednesday she will be back to her usual self, complaining about the food and the other residents and directing all her frustrations onto me!
It's always my fault that she's there (never my brother's) and she can be quite unpleasant about it.
To be honest, I find it more difficult when she's nice to me as I'm so conditioned to her being horrid!
I genuinely have to bite my tongue if she starts trying to stroke my arm or hold my hand as I just feel the fear of being smacked from when I was little which makes me want to tell her to fuck off and not touch me ever again.

@Choconuttolata i hope the phone doesn’t ring. Enjoy the wine.

@StripyMug its funny how they expect you to just let it all go, it’s the past for goodness sake 🙄

Carers should be there now however when I phoned DDad earlier to remind him he asked why they were coming and why couldn't DH put him to bed. I know DH reminded him yesterday and today has been there four times, twice having to clear up poo everywhere.

Not in the mood this evening as useless co-executor only took out FLEA buildings cover against my advice and none of the water damage to my Aunt's property is covered. It was the only job I gave him to do, sort out the buildings insurance, it is his family benefitting from the house it was in their interest and his to do the job properly. I am at a loss for words.

At this rate I will be drinking a whole bottle of wine all on my own from the bottle this evening and I don't really drink.

@Choconuttolata grrr on your behalf. If they’re co-executor and in line to benefit could you step back and leave whatever has to be done to wait for him? Your aunt is no longer in there, you don’t need to look after her anymore.

I will be, other than contents which are mine and DB's to sort out he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Just here to offer love and support (and have a rant too)! Completed financial assessment 5 months ago to Social Work, paid the care home bill until lower capital limit reached and they still haven't sorted it out and now care home saying DM place is at risk! It is a council run care home and she is settled and staff amazing so unless they are going to put an 86 year old lady on the street who has dementia, I am unsure what they are going to do! Pass the gin!

That’s awful @Patsy7299 I hope someone here can help you,

Flying Squad hit FIL this afternoon. DH got there shortly after. He was soaked and caked in his own mess (was fine earlier), poo on the floor, chair etc so they saw what it’s like. Interim care in place x2 daily until the permanent package starts. Breathe.

@Patsy7299 you need to complain officially in writing via email or letter (recorded and signed for ) and send a copy/copy in the Chief Executive and Head of Adult Social Care. If you send it up the chain things start moving as they will think about the possible news headlines (that is another option but more public).

@SockFluffInTheBath hopefully the two calls will be enough, we found some days even with three calls that there are still events.

Turns out DDad was fed off food by the carers yesterday which explains the poo situation. He had also cooked himself lunch today because the carer was late and also admitted that he took himself up to bed on his own last night because he didn't want to go up earlier with the carer. He is still asking us who is going to take him to bed though and asking why not when told DH won't be going up to do it. I don't have the energy for him to play the child act with me, I have three of my own who haven't had the best of their parents recently because they have been running around after him instead. He was not much of an involved parent when I was young and put his own mother in a care home so the level of expectation and entitlement is wearing thin.

Expectation and entitlement indeed. FIL complains bitterly that MIL’s Alzheimer’s has stolen his retirement (of sitting on his fat lazy backside being fed endless tea and homemade cake). He’s never done anything for anyone but expects the family to rally round.

Moment of comedy though, after being hosed off and dressed they asked where he wanted to sit, and quick as a flash MIL shouts ‘put him in the garden’ 😂 it’s beautiful when you get those flashes of her old self. I miss her so much.

😂 @SockFluffInTheBath it is lovely when their personality breaks through the clouds like that! She sounds like she has a wicked sense of humour.

This is really resonating. I hadn't thought before about why I have no desire to touch my "D"M. I've read the accounts of people nearing the end and others suggesting holding their hand. Or holding their hand whilst visiting them in a CH. and thought there must be something wrong with me as I really don't want to touch her. At all. She isn't near the end!

But so many childhood memories of being smacked and shouted at. It's not really surprising, is it?!

Different time, wasn’t it? If parents didn’t smack, they were regarded as neglectful. Hard to imagine nowadays.

We got smacked at infant school too.

Didn't happen to many of my friends though, who have loving close relationships with their parents. It's a choice whether to smack a child or not.

@EmotionalBlackmail and @StripyMug if physical contact is triggering you and bringing up childhood trauma give yourselves permission to back off from being as involved. You don't owe your parents anything, they chose to have you not the other way around and if their treatment of you as a child was abusive you especially are not obligated to continue to harm yourself by being around them 🤗

I remember my mum telling me that one of my dc's (who was just behaving as they should given that they were about 3!) needed "a good smack" . I told her if she ever did that, she wouldn't be seeing them any more. I rarely stood/satnd up to her but in the words of Molly Weasley in Harry Potter "Not my daughter, you bitch"!!!

Mama bear 🐻