Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

My experience with both MIL and DM in hospitals in very different parts of the country leads me to conclude that keeping elderly patients next of kin updated is at the bottom of the priority list for hospital medics.

i received a decent call from mums consultant the day before she was discharged, but that was the only time I spoke to them after the day she was admitted to the ward three weeks previously. Despite trying to call and also leaving messages with the nurses (who reassured me that the doctors wanted to speak to me).

It was also concerning that the discharge notes that mums care home were given clearly referenced another patient (mum does not have a full set of teeth amongst several examples).

It’s frustrating that we hear that there’s too much bureaucracy in the NHS when this area of family liaison seems to be crying out for some competent ward clerks to manage all of this information flow.

And hasn't kept up with the increase in pension age either. Neither of us is old enough for the state pension yet (although one of us would have been under the old system).

Lol at the "just pop in".
I got a call yesterday from the hospital saying my elderly relative was going home (good) but (and I remain slightly baffled by this now as this is a big General Hospital and I have seen the pharmacy with my own eyes) could I pick up some meds for her ?

"... You know I'm in (town over 60 miles away)?..." I said mildly.

I don't mind coming down if there is a point (and indeed we went down today to fight the iPad, failed, but got an old one working and helped with a bit of paperwork) but she has carers and they're a hospital....
This is by no means my first go-round at this sort of thing so I am used to being mystified.

@countrygirl99 I have taken to more liberal use of the Do Not Disturb setting on my phone, after ... after too many, anyway, calls taken in the freezing cold next to very noisy traffic.

I don't drink much at all now as even a glass makes me exhausted the next day, but I've definitely been comfort eating and have got very well covered of late. I bought myself boxes of chocolate...

@catndogslife similar here re the wine - I hate myself for it. Always kept fit and healthy- nice glass with food, now I find myself wrestling the top of a bottle just to have some solace. Hate myself for it. Yet another pointless conversation today with my mother telling what ‘I don’t want that’….she knows exactly what she wants…me or my sis at her disposal…..baby bro…conveniently took a new massively loaded job on at the exact time my sis and I took early retirement. He didn’t need to…unless he and his also very high achieving earning wife have huge debts of course….Disappointing comment from me. Passive aggressive and unnecessary- just fed up hearing how ‘busy/full on their jobs are/share the load more Blue and Sis. And breathe 🧘‍♀️

Ooh, someone waved my personal red flag and brought me out of lurking. (My last senior died a little over a year ago so I'm off the bench). I must have ranted before about "popping" and how its purpose is to minimise the effort involved so you find it harder to refuse. If I popped anywhere it was an hour travelling plus the time spent in magicking a car parking space out of thin air. That was before I got through the door.

There must be arrangements in place for people who have no local support but it's so much easier to get family on the road. It's amazing how much my mileage has gone down now I'm not off to mum's every day and MIL every week.

@knotaknitter "pop in" gets a VERY robust response now. My breaking point was a year ago. Friday lunchtime I had a call from mum's neighbour about a fall in the street so left work to sort her out. Monday DH had a scarey medical emergency so left work to go to.the hospital (fortunately the good possibility) and this was just after ge had after a red flag symptom referral (thankfully benign). Thursday got a call from the carer to say mum was a bit down could I "pop in" for a coffee. Talk about light blue touch paper! Not only am I not local but I was in the office an hour in the opposite direction.

We’ve had a busy week at work, bit under the weather with colds, thought we’d treat ourselves to a vanishingly rare takeaway. Plated it up, sat down, and there’s a knock at the door. MIL’s carer on the doorstep to say PIL has had a fall, come now. DH has gone, I’m festering at home looking at cold food and thinking very uncharitable thoughts.

DH popped back to say he’s fine but milking it now. Will regret it as DH has a short fuse for him and soon goes full nurse ratched. He would go to the end of the earth for his mum, not for his dad.

He’s got other family round there as well now. I’ve come up for a shower and got into bed with a book, yay for our nice Friday night. I know I sound like a complete cow. He will have sat in his chair, watched us go out and come back with a bag. Give it 5 mins and dropped himself. Been a while since he pulled this so it’s overdue. BIL not been summoned, he goes to work you know and has a wife now 🙄

@SockFluffInTheBath The "oh your brother works SO hard, I don't like to bother him - he's very busy" really gives me the rage! It's not like I'm sitting around at a spa all fucking day!!! Although when I went to see her on Thursday at her care home, I must have looked as knackered as I felt, as she offered to ask the staff to make me up a bed in her room so I could have a sleep! 🤣

Got an outraged voicemail from my elderly this morning. Was not delighted tbh to say the least!... but mainly baffled. It wasn't specific and we couldn't see how any of the things we'd done yesterday could have blown up at all!

Luckily I have now learned to have my phone on DND overnight so it didn't wake me up (I'm so far away there's no point ringing me for anything urgent).

I have now found out how to disable voice mail and done that.

Oh and she answered my call in the evening and yes it was all a misunderstanding and an overreaction.

So yesterday I got a phonecall whilst at work, estate agent been to Aunt's place that I have spent hours sorting out after she passed away, massive leak, rooms full of water. Told golden balls step-son who is retired, drives and whose family get the house in the will that he needs to sort it with the buildings insurance. He hadn't even phoned them yet today. I don't drive and have done everything else so far as well as trying to work, look after my Dad and three kids.

DDad also playing up again, refusing washes and messing up the TV and new TV box that DH installed and spent ages trying to get him to engage with yesterday. We are fast coming to the conclusion that some of it is being belligerent but also that his memory loss might be more significant since coming out of hospital as he does seem truly vacant and bemused sometimes. At least the GP surgery agreed to speak to me today and have done the OT referral I requested.

@Choconuttolata i didn’t realise someone else got the house… you did so much for your Aunt, you don’t need to lift a finger now she’s gone, let him sort it out by himself, you have enough on your plate!

For what it’s worth, TVs are the bane of my life with my parents. They recently got a new one and DF just can’t get used to it, is always moaning about something with it, despite my having explained all of it to him multiple times. The repetition, confusion and negativity is saying cognitive decline to me (he is 96) so much as it drives me mad I have to concede that he just can’t grasp like he would have a decade ago.

I wish that was the case @MotherOfCatBoy however I am an executor 😭. Although categorically I am not dealing with this, I phoned the contents insurance people as the contents are to do with me and my brother but I leave the rest to him. I can't remove anything more until I know the property is safe to enter and the extent of the damage is known, then it would be to take photos initially anyway.

Help me please wise ones. FIL refuses a care assessment- or rather the financial assessment part. Is there a way to force it through? He apparently has capacity (oh how we laugh) but is happy to sit in his own excrement.

Private psychiatrist assessment of capacity might be worth it if the social care and GP assessment of capacity is woeful. I wish we had done this in my Aunt's case when she was self neglecting. I tried to work with the GP and social care but they both failed her despite multiple emails spelling it out to them. My neighbour did this for her sister and another neighbour did it for their Aunt both with dementia.

Thanks @Choconuttolata I’ll pass the suggestion to DH. Just read through @BlueLegume thread about her ‘lovely’ mother and similar battle. DH is going back over shortly and going to tell him care assessment or spiral (alone) to crisis. His love of being touched and served is second only to his love of money.

DH talked to FIL this morning, said he won’t lift him again (DH back is broken in 2 places, lots of metal in one arm, FIL has pigged on Christmas food and weighs a lot more than DH who is c18st), neither can other family he called lift him due to own medical conditions, needs to agree to a care assessment. FIL also spent Friday night covered in poo because his incontinence pants failed spectacularly after DH and the others left, and he agreed to the assessment. Finally.

@SockFluffInTheBath hope things progress to make your life and DH life less stressful. The common issue seems to be that ‘we’ have always pandered to these personalities and are programmed to keep trying anything-I am coming to accept that absolutely nothing at this stage is ever going to be right. Updated my own thread as to not derail here - keep us updated as to what happens.

Thanks Blue, I read your update. I envy those who helpfully suggest the panacea of a cleaning rota and Ocado delivery pass. It must be lovely to have grown up with parents who are not pernicious. That sounds judgey or uppity or something I can think of the word for, but it’s said from a place of resigned sadness. It’s easy to say step back and wait for the crisis. Much as I would love to abandon the poo monster you just can’t.

@SockFluffInTheBath ’resigned sadness’ is the perfect phrase.

Solidarité @SockFluffInTheBath until DDad had his crisis and ended up in hospital he was also a poo monster and to be fair since he came out there have been times we have gone there in between carer calls and his hands, clothes and various furniture are covered and he is oblivious. Like you say you can't leave them like that, but at the same time burn yourself out because they are unwilling/unable to recognise that they need outside help and the impact that has on you as their family. Resigned sadness is the reality.

Solidarité

that tickled me, vive la revolution!

Appropriately am currently enjoying a post-dog walk glass of Bordeaux 🍷 cheers everyone!

Currently sitting in a&e with mum following a fall when we were shopping - she tripped over a box that had been left in the aisle. Typically she was trying to show that she is "fine, nothing wrong with me so I don't meed to be in a care home" and walking far too quickly and didn't see it.
That was at 12 and we're still waiting for another full body exam and x-rays.
I am just so tired of this. I know it's not her fault but this is exhausting! This is the 4th major fall in 4 months, and still I get the evils every time I visit because she refuses to accept that it's safer for her to be there rather than at home.

For goodness sake @StripyMug . I hope you’re out soon.