Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Love that, @Choconuttolata!
Mum started having a go at one of the other residents today - it was really unnecessary and unpleasant. So I exercised my right to avoid being triggered and left!!!!

Well done for putting in a boundary that is right for you @StripyMug 🫷🫷

That is a great idea! Will do it today - still waiting on a callback that I was promised on Monday from SW

Well the promised support has failed to fully materialise. He’s a 2 man job apparently and no agencies have capacity for the morning or evening calls so yesterday and today he’s had 10 minutes at 1pm. What fucking use that’s supposed to be I don’t know. I know they can’t be in 2 places at once. DH has really had enough, FIL has been calling non-stop all day. He really is dancing the raggedy edge of being forced into a home. Might be a southern comfort night.

Solidarité 🥃

Oh god SockFluff, you can't live like this.

It is so difficult @SockFluffInTheBath that is why I put my foot down when hospital were trying to discharge DDad expecting me to change his commode once a day. This was 2 days after DH came on the ward and found him completely covered in poo, sitting in poo, poo all over his chair, table etc because he was deemed 'independent' by the ward staff handover sheet. I just knew that if he came out they would expect us to fill the gap with no urgency to find a solution. If your DH is struggling you may have to let the team come in and find the reality/crisis to expedite things.

He came out with three calls from re-enablement community team and then they admitted finally he wasn't going to magically become independent like the hospital had tried to claim he was. Now we have four calls and still have bad days. Today he was very confused again, but at least not covered in poo like on Monday.

There are really not any suitable words to describe this situation. Adult dcs voluntarily do for their parent (s) what paid professionals consider to be a 2 person job! And the professionals wonder why you have had enough?

@Patsy7299 did you get any joy?

I am actually drinking now. I barely drink but I am tonight, we both are. We’ve gone from extreme relief to I don’t know what this is, some kind of frustration I would guess. DH’s phone is buzzing in the kitchen with mindlessness. He was at work at 5am and is exhausted. FIL apparently told today’s agency supervisor/assessor that his finances are private and not for her to know. He’ll be thinking this gets him free care but it will be the opposite. That’s a bridge for another day.

ps thank you everyone. Without this place it would be so lonely.

@SockFluffInTheBath does your DH have financial POA?

@Choconuttolata DH and useless BIL have it- it’s registered but not activated. DH doesn’t want to have to do that as well as everything else but the day is coming.

If it allows him to use with when the donor has mental capacity then he can register it with the bank and pay for bills with his Dad's permission otherwise you need a letter showing lack of mental capacity. With a lot of banks you can do this online via a form and email them the proof of POA etc.

Thanks @Choconuttolata whether he has capacity or not is very much up for debate- he’s one that can ace the tests but shows zero insight of need. He wouldn’t agree to pay for care, he’s refused the assessment till now on the grounds he won’t pay for what family ‘should’ do for free.

Honestly this week has been too much, the relief- bordering elation- of recognition by the system that he needs care, followed by the crash down as no one can do it… DH is utterly broken. I’ve booked for us to go away next weekend (Fri-Mon) as a break from this, DD’s last chance of a little holiday before a-level exams too. FIL has been ringing DH since 7am today, he’s 40 miles away for work so told him to call goldenballs BIL (he won’t) and has told (asked) me not to go over for FIL. I can hear him shouting so I expect there’s poo everywhere.

@Choconuttolata How do you tell if a POA allows you to undertake some tasks when the elderly person still has some capacity or not? Sounds very useful in cases where "oldies" need help with some things, especially online, but are fine with others.

DMIL is still in hospital, but they have closed the ward due to d&v and now Covid! We hope that she is allowed home soon and does not become infected.

@catndogslife, my mother’s POA states it can be used if she lacks capacity OR if she writes and signs a letter stating I can use it if she does have capacity.

She would be deemed to have capacity currently but struggles with any admin, so I am in the process of putting the second option into place for POA with companies at the moment.

Same with my DDad @Earlydarkdays he cannot manage many banking and admin tasks and asks me to do them for him. I discuss with him what he wants me to do and then act on his behalf. I would say his capacity fluctuates sometimes so I wait until he is in a better place before having the discussion with him.

Very hard in your position @SockFluffInTheBath, my Aunt was like this and I couldn't do anything as she was deemed by doctors and social care to have capacity (which was utter nonsense) and the solicitor wouldn't release the LPOA without either a letter of permission or a letter from a doctor stating she did not have capacity. By the time I got it she had already starved and neglected herself, fallen at home, broken her spine and then died two weeks later in hospital.

@Knotaknitter thank you for the reminder not to minimise all my own efforts with ‘popping in’ as the visits might feel short but inevitably involve running around before and after. Plus the thankless admin.

@funnelfan so glad to hear things are easier for you now, good luck with the house and your mum’s admin.

@SockFluffInTheBath I have everything crossed for your long weekend, you’ve all so earned every minute.

I never know if I’m on the bad daughter’s bench, it depends on the day. We have LPoA and our father has no diagnosis other that fluctuating capacity, so we’re regularly tied in knots over capacity being for ‘a particular decision at a particular time’ when ‘unwise decisions’ are definitely why he is in a nursing home.

@SockFluffInTheBath I finally did get some joy but not without a fight. They make everything so difficult and it’s beyond exhausting. The SW are worse than useless!

Thanks @FiniteSagacity. I’m feeling thankful at the moment and so am keeping quiet. I’m very aware that others are still in the trenches and I feel like I’m in the field hospital - still in the war but not on the front lines at the moment.

Mum has been on a little outing this week and they’ve also had therapy animals do a visit so it’s all go at her home. She’s looking well, has put on a couple of pounds.

Just posting this here in case in helps anyone.

https://www.thedementiaservice.co.uk/

Thanks for the link @Choconuttolata we’re sure there’s a label but our father keeps passing the usual tests. If the next NHS assessment (hopefully psychiatric consultant next month) is still inconclusive I might discuss private assessment with siblings.

DH thinks our father is, and always has been, a self-centred narcissist and has only lost his filter with his increasing frailty. It’s harder to see that through the FOG but it has been a very long month with lots of verbal abuse.

DB and I made a start on sorting through mum's house yesterday, which has really unsettled me.
We are clear with her that she needs to stay at the care home but she is still holding out for going home, although I don't actually think she means her house necessarily, more a time when she didn't need to be where she is now.
We are fortunate in that there is no great rush to sell but she has an awful lot of stuff and it's all very muddly so it's going to be a long process and my brother is not nearby so we definitely needed to start when we could.
It just feels wrong somehow to be doing it while she's still alive, but really there's no other way. Everything we cleared out was either clothes she hasn't worn in years and wouldn't fit her now anyway, & paperwork, so nothing terribly sentimental or of value.
I'm conflicted already with feeling sad and sorry for her whilst feeling dislike for her due to her treatment of me & DB ( lots of emotional abuse & smacking) and her narcissistic tendencies, and this has highlighted those feelings.
It's funny - apart from 1 ornament which reminds me of my Dad, there was nothing that I wanted to keep for the memories. I really don't want anything that reminds me of her, and that makes me so sad for her and for me and DB and our families. It's like we've lost something we never had.
A big part of my childhood and adulthood feelings triggered by mum has been around a fear of "getting into trouble" with her and I think that is a factor in how I'm feeling. She can't get to her house or into it without me and she wouldn't remember what was there anyway but I'm still running through scenarios of her getting angry because we ditched 50-odd pairs of trousers that she will never wear again!
We were really sensitive about keeping clothes she loved and that I can take in to her but that fear is so deep seated! Then I feel angry with her for instilling such great fear in me as a child
that it's still there decades later.
I know I need to sit with these feelings and I will process them in time (I have a great therapist!🤣) but they feel very raw this morning - probably partly due to fretting rather than sleeping last night!
It feels better to have set that all down though - thankyou for being a safe space to do that.

@StripyMug i was doing the same thing on Friday - clearing mums house while she’s still alive. I agree it feels strange and intrusive (certainly compared to clearing MILs house after she died). I also settled on sorting clothes that she will never wear again into donate and recycle piles.

I also learned from doing MILs house that it’s easier to clear 1 cupboard/drawer/shelf at a time, and then leave it empty because then you can see the progress you’re making. I also leave the “don’t know what to do with this” pile until my next visit, by when I’m usually able to say bin/donate etc.

I'm sorry you’re also having to deal with feelings arising from your relationship with your mum at the same time.

Thanks @funnelfan, it really helps to know others are in the same boat.
It definitely feels intrusive but I keep telling myself that she will not remember that she had the stuff, and for now we're concentrating on things that aren't immediately noticeable, so no furniture/books/ornaments etc - it feels a bit less daunting.
Thankyou for your hints about managing the process, too - when Dad died, he was in a care home so whilst it was a hugely difficult task, emotionally, to clear his room, it felt more natural as he wasn't there any more. So I will go bit by bit and it'll get done!

for now we're concentrating on things that aren't immediately noticeable, so no furniture/books/ornaments etc - it feels a bit less daunting.

Yes. There’s a tiny part of me that thinks what if she has a miraculous recovery and is well enough to come home again (she won’t) so am trying to keep the house still looking “normal”. Also, from a practical perspective I think it’s better that the house looks as if it could be occupied if someone looked in the window . So I keep the piles of stuff upstairs, always leave something in the bin, and have a lamp coming on a timer switch for a couple of hours every evening. I’ve also told the neighbours I’m happy for them to park on her drive as parking is tight and they leave it clear on the day I go over.

@funnelfan We definitely are thinking along the same lines! I'm really just protecting myself from her wrath though. It makes me so sad for me as younger StripyMug.