Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Randommother my heart goes out to you.
If she died in the night, would you feel relieved or devastated ?
It’s natural to treat possible death as an emergency, but at the end of life, it’s one that has to happen, otherwise how would anyone actually die?
I watched my D Aunt live another 4 months after a crisis (bronchitis) and she was utterly miserable. She should have gone with the infection.
If it happens, it happens. No judgement. If it doesn’t, you can keep her company a bit longer. Give yourself grace either way.

Just a handhold and a strong belief you are doing nothing wrong.

Dp's dad died on Saturday. He decided the previous Sunday that he'd had enough, even though the medical team were telling him they could give him more tests and he could probably recover. He would have been facing months of recovery to reach a quality of life that had been going downhill already for months. He didn't even really step off the treadmill, he just stood still, and let the momentum carry him to a peaceful end. It was infinitely better that way. Respect to him and to you.

Sorry for your loss @PermanentTemporary 💐

@Randommother you’re in the right place, please keep sharing when you need to and take handholds here.

In case it helps, I don’t think Respect forms have been adopted in all NHS trusts and it was the GP Nurse Practitioner who raised it with us but we’d only ever discussed DNR in hospital despite the risk factors and multiple paramedic visits.

Regardless, I agree with everyone, you asked nurses about the readings and it sounds like she is more comfortable than she has been in months. Sometimes it’s a fine balance.

Please be kind to yourself, you’re on a very difficult journey.

Is there space for one more on the bad daughter bench?

Took my mum to a garden centre yesterday and she slipped over in the gravel car park. She's fine, but a bit brused and a bit grumpy about falling over.
I thought this was a one off with loose gravel and not paying attention. However,
I gave her a ring today to check on her and she's fessed up that about six months ago she fell over in her garden.

Ahhhhh, why didn't she tell me this? She's a very active, mobile, independent 80 year old generally. She lives alone after being widowed.
This has thrown me slightly.

@MittensTheKittens this bench is like the room of requirement, a comfy spot is here for you - welcome.

Do you have any idea if something could be causing the falls.

The not telling anyone about falls resonates with me. DF fell outside and only told me a day later because he’d broken his glasses. When I saw him, he still had gravel stuck in his wounds and I learned that a passer by had helped him up, he’d refused an ambulance and bled from a head wound for the 15 minute walk home. It was almost 2 years later when other things led us to the falls clinic and a diagnosis of postural blood pressure drop on standing up.

We know mum falls fairly regularly because the carers spot bruises/grazes or a stranger/neighbour helps her home after a fall in the street. Mum has never told us about a fall and only admits specific falls if you can ask her about it the same day.

Same here. When DM was examined in the hospital after falling we discovered she had a massive yellowing old bruise on her chest. We still don’t know how it got there.

I think I'm going to keep a close eye on her and check that everything is actually OK, rather than her smiling and nodding.

She's been living independently until this point and was starting to spread her wings a bit more after my dad died a few years ago, I don't want this to put her off and restrict her back down.

Sorry for your loss @PermanentTemporary 🌺🌺

Talking to her about a referral to the Falls Clinic could be worthwhile.

Sorry for your and DP's loss @PermanentTemporary I am glad that it was peaceful and what he wanted 💐

Sorry for your loss @PermanentTemporary

Hi everyone, may I join you all?

It's my Grandmother I am unable to ever do enough for, her daughter / my Mum passed away several years ago and as the only child of an only child it's landed firmly on my lap.

My Dad is great with her, he's local to her, delivers food takes her shopping once a week.

She wanted to move house, I did all I could and got her into the sheltered housing complex she wanted, handled the house sale etc, it's boring here.

It's all old people (she is either the eldest or second eldest resident). She has never been social really, so I don't know what she expected from the move. She has joined the social club but won't go on any trips because 'I mean they are just to garden centres and such, what good is that'

If only I moved back to the town I grew up in everything would be fine.

I have worked hard to let it wash over me, the fact she only eats toast and beige freezer food, the comments, what is wrong with your face, it's acne brought about by stress, HA! What do you have to be stressed about.

She was twisted with my Mum, she would be all oh poor me on the phone to her, I would phone and she would be all chipper and chatty - I know it's some form of manipulative behaviour and I need to just continue as I am but sometimes it's just so hard.

Sorry for the rant on my first post, but acht it feels good to get it all out!

My condolences @PermanentTemporary to you and your DP

I'm so sorry for your loss @PermanentTemporary

@Defender90 welcome aboard, I'm a recent arrival too and this is a great place to vent.

Your GM sounds very hard work. I know it is easier said than done but you can give yourself permission to step away from her. You are under no obligation to be her whipping boy and if she is in sheltered housing then someone is on hand to help her out if she needs it.

I'm not saying cut her off completely (thought that is also a valid choice if you feel it is what you need to do) but you can step back/do a bit less.

So DM was on her way back from a friend’s and decided to fall down the escalator at the station. Luckily had only cut her head but is in A&E. Of course wonder boy, who took voluntary redundancy a few weeks ago and is considering his options, has a bit of a cough and cold so doesn’t think he should go. So muggins here, who is supposed to be invigilating GCSEs all day tomorrow is on her way.

@Tupperwarelid what is it about mothers and falling over at the moment!
🙄
Any idea why she fell? Was it just a misjudged step?

@MittensTheKittens she had her suitcase behind her as she got on the up escalator and tried to move it and fell backwards. We’ve just got back to mine. She’s got a nasty gash on the back of her head and is a bit shaken and bruised but otherwise ok thank goodness.

Just arrived back in the UK and the first thing I see when I switch on my phone is a message about a mum problem. Not one I can do anything about though so I'm leaving DB to deal with it.

How is your Mum now @Tupperwarelid, has she recovered from the shock of her fall?

@countrygirl99 what a shame you were too tired from travelling and didn't see the message...

DDad has been surprisingly undemanding this week which was helpful as I am working and juggling parenting on my own this week whilst DH is away.

@choconuttolata no way can I drive anywhere today. 3 flights over 24 hours and I'm knackered.

Did you have a good holiday @countrygirl99 ?

Well, on Tuesday my dad was apparently 'clinically' ready for discharge.... yesterday all of a sudden became about CT scans, xrays and IV antibiotics... so now he's not ready at all and we're back on the rollercoaster. Then we get the discharge co ordinator ringing (again) after originally speaking to her on Tuesday, who seems to have no clue whatsoever about what's actually happening .... is it common for different departments to not bother actually talking to each other?

@mumbles12 absolutely wonderful but a faffing to get to as you have to go via the US and yesterday we had a fun internal flight in a little cessna to get to the main airport first. But I just counted the ticks in our bird book and we ID'd 121 birds and had some fantastic snorkelling sessions as well as visiting Maya ruins. We needed to spend the last couple of days chilling and working our way through the cocktail menu at a great seafood restaurant to prepare for the journey back to reality.