Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Oh dear @Choconuttolata sounds very much like the kind of thing DM does. I just don’t know what she does with things (right hearing aid current AWOL.) She’s never had one apparently.

@Choconuttolata hopefully new specs will help a lot. Nothing is ever simple, is it!

@Choconuttolata I hope any new glasses actually get used and don’t cause more issues 🤞

This reminds me of my DSis working very hard over several weeks to get DF sorted with new glasses. But now he won’t listen to her about which pair is which even though she knows because she was there. At last diabetic eye check, I wasn’t sure DF could remember what the letters were called to complete the test… the staff were amazing with him but he rarely wears his glasses now.

We’ve also had the bizarre experience of telephone urology appointments, some services surely just can’t be effective when not in person - and it’s pretty dire if there’s a catheter and a history.

@FiniteSagaCity I just don't get how they can assess problems with a catheter that's been in place 15 + years over the phone (changed every 6 weeks) Since he's been in hospital they've suddenly identified massive internal damage, but 'of course' having regular face to face appointments rather than over the phone, via my mum who had advancing dementia so always told the consultant that my dad was making it all up, wouldn't have made any difference!!!!

And another question for you lovely people.. has anyone experienced a relative being on the 'delirium pathway'???

@Lightuptheroom the internal damage sounds horrendous, I’m so sorry he wasn’t treated better and has suffered.

I’m not aware of a delirium pathway but definitely had a learning curve - when dealing with what we worked out was delirium. Have the hospital identified the Delirium?

Yes, post operative delirium

Had a cry in the kitchen this afternoon, just came out of nowhere because it was messy because I was cooking a few things and when I started tidying up I felt overwhelmed. Just too much on I think. Really seeing the appeal of hermitage.

🍷

Definitely 🍷time @SockFluffInTheBath I find myself feeling like that sometimes.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed and need a good cry with everything that we all juggle and contend with on this thread.

I usually retreat into my shell for a while with some 🍫 ☕ and a light comedy sitcom as my preferred option of sitting alone in a cave up a mountain with no one to bother me isn't attainable right now.

@SockFluffInTheBath sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. DH just ends up on his knees with having to do so much so I sympathise hugely.

DH and I have actually been away for the weekend. BIL is supposed to cover a weekend once a month but he hasn't been available for six weeks. MIL has been a pain in the neck all weekend from the sounds of it. She wouldn't eat or drink and decided to stay awake all night last night. BIL was at the end of his tether with her. Is it bad that I am pleased he actually saw how difficult she is first hand for once?

@Morenicecardigans not bad at all, sounds like a good dose of reality to me.

Nope, not bad, dose of reality. I have siblings, some of whom live abroad, they really do not have a clue!

A dose of reality sums it up. I asked MIL why she didn't eat and she said "because she could get away with it".

We generally just put the food in front of her and she eats it but she does have some sort of long standing eating disorder so if you give her the opportunity to starve herself she will.

BIL thought we were exaggerating how difficult she can be. I think he got a shock.

Sorry, it’s a long one. Long time user but name changed for obvious reasons. I haven’t started a thread as I don’t want it being seen by people who won’t understand.

in summary, mum is in a nursing home and I believe they are neglecting to deal with a medical emergency which could be fatal, and I’m not calling them out on it as her quality of life is so poor at the moment. I’m wracked with guilt over it though.

in detail, mum has been in a nursing home since mid Jan, she’s bed bound and in constant pain which we can’t get under control. She’s on a high level of morphine, and has recently been prescribed pregabalin, which is causing some side effects including drowsiness, confusion and visual disturbances. She’s often talked about ending her life and in all honesty no one should have to live like this.

Yesterday morning I checked her o2 sats and got a reading of 77 (usual for her is 92 to 98, she has mild COPD) I flagged it to the nurse in charge who checked it herself, the reading was still 77, but blipped up to 80, so she recorded it as 80. Google tells me 80 is a medical emergency, but the home did nothing, no phone call to the doctor, no supplemental oxygen, nothing…

I visited later in the day and the reading varied between 74 and 77, with 74 being the predominant reading, her pulse was 55. Her lips were blue. She’s normally conscious and alert, but since starting the pregablin a week ago she’s been sleepy and confused. She was awake when I did her sats. I didn’t flag this to the home and I’m feeling awful about it. She should be on oxygen and having a review of her meds as pregablin can cause respiratory failure, and I think that’s what’s happening (don’t know for sure as I’m not medically trained).

I feel like the home aren’t dealing with a medical emergency, and with me not pushing them this could end up being fatal. I also think that’s what’s happening would be a blessing for mum as she has no quality of life and is living in constant pain. I didn’t sleep last night worrying about it all. I called her this morning, and she’s still with us, still very tired and confused.

I don’t want judgement, but I could do with a handhold here as I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing and I feel awful about it all. I’m hoping to get in to see her later this evening, and I’m dreading the phone ringing.

@Randommother I think in your shoes my main concern might be if DM was comfortable, not distressed or in pain. If the pregabalin is helping with that then so be it. Is it possible she’s been put on a pathway if they’re not concerned about lower sats?

💐

Thanks @SockFluffInTheBath, she’s definitely not on a pathway. I agree that her comfort is the most important thing. She’s still complaining of pain, but is less bothered by it since she’s been on the pregablin. Part of me hopes that she’ll come though this, and the nursing home know what they’re doing, but everything I’ve read tells me it’s a medical emergency that needs intervention.

@Randommother is your main concern that your mother might die or ghat you will feel guilty if she does. Because from what you have described the first sounds a blessed release in which case the second shouldn't apply. I say shouldn't rather than doesn't because we all know that's not how emotions work but I'm sure we all understand where you are with this. It's hideous for you either way because if she pulls through you will probably feel bad that her suffering continues.

You say she's not on a pathway, so I'm guessing she has no respect form in place?

@countrygirl99 I’m very conflicted as I’m sure you can imagine! I hate seeing her suffering, but I don’t want her to die either. It’s such a hideous situation, I can’t think straight today.

What’s a respect form?

Ok, I’ve googled Respect form and that’s not something that’s ever been discussed with us. She had a DNR in place while she was in hospital, but this hasn’t come up since she’s been in the home and as far as I’m aware isn’t in her notes. I have medical LPA, so I’ve read through her care plans and notes.

It's a difficult situation to be in - and I can understand that you must have very mixed emotions and feelings of responsibility. However, your DM has expressed a desire to die, her pain has been extreme and unmanageable. Now, her pain is reduced, she seems to be calm and more comfortable and if this medication lets her slip away then that would seem to be her wish being granted. And you haven't kept this information to yourself - you have shared it with the nursing staff at the home, so you shouldn't feel guilty on that front.

This could be a merciful release for her - the chance for a relatively pain-free and peaceful end to her life.

UnMumsNetty hugs for you.

Thank you @Albless, I needed to read that. I’ve tried calling her this afternoon but she’s not answering, so she’s probably sleeping. I’m going to head over there shortly to see how she’s doing.

@Randommother another one here offering a handhold and absolutely no judgement. To often the "life at all costs" narrative is pushed, even when it means an awful quality of life.

You have to do what you think is best for your mother, no one can ask for anything else.

There’s a lot to be said for slipping away peacefully vs dragging on just because they can make it happen. No judgement on any of your feelings, the only thing required at this stage is kindness and tea. Look after yourself @Randommother