Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Nodding, laughing, and goshing @MysterOfwomanY we are the community based health scheme/ secretary/ fixers. I hope she feels better soon.

@MysterOfwomanY is there a local fb group who could help? Sometimes local post office etc have pa type ads? Ask at surgery? Home instead franchise may be able to help- expensive. age uk may be of help too.

I appreciate you lot so much - being able to grumble here is an enormous help to get through visits!

I felt strong and resilient today so visited NH and stayed in the doorway so I didn’t break the ban but I’m still not wanted which at least makes for a short visit. I did mention again that I’m the closest (managed not to say so stop cutting off your nose to spite your face).

Ticked through Rant Bingo (he’s going to sue and write me out of the will), dropped off something that a sibling who can’t visit was asked to bring and checked in with nurses and the manager. So very much easier than bouncing in and out of hospital a year ago but DF isn’t well, on antibiotics and quarantine in his room. Protesting by not eating anything and still difficult in lots of ways.

I haven't been around since last year. DM moved into a care home.. DF stayed at home with 4 care visits... 3 weeks ago he fell and fractured the top of his femur. Had surgery, seemed ok. Then the 'post operative delirium came. We were told 2 weeks ago that we could expect a phone call. He also had sepsis. Couple of days lucid and seemed to be fine again. Impossible to speak to a Dr, he keeps pulling catheter and canulas out.
Today all of a sudden. , totally lost to delirium, bleeding internally, Endocarditis, are we looking at the final days or will this drag on and on?

@Lightuptheroom what a terrible time you’re going through, your poor DF. We were told to expect the call a couple of weeks ago when FIL had internal bleeding. They discharged him last night, so it could go either way. It always can, which makes it so much more difficult as you never know what to expect. Take care of yourself.

@FiniteSagacity Solidarité 🍷 actually got some wine on the go in the garden right now, it’s helping.

@Lightuptheroom I'm sorry for what you are going through.

@Lightuptheroom with stuff like that you can never quite tell. All you can do is be there for him. The treating medics and Mother Nature have control.

Sending you good wishes @Lightuptheroom

We've stop having long distance crises since we moved MIL to round the corner but instead it feels like death by a thousand cuts. She is genuinely the most miserable person I have ever met in my life. Yesterday she was complaining she can now see too well for her glasses since her cataract operation. It was also too hot, too bright and the carer asked her some questions about where something was in her flat.

@Morenicecardigans death by a thousand cuts indeed. I don’t feel like I’ve just had a bank holiday weekend. I’m exhausted and I want to be somewhere else.

Hi all, I’m one of those lurkers who has been quietly hiding out in the background and reading all your posts for a while now. I’ve dipped in and out of other threads on this board but feel I need to set up a more permanent home to share/complain/scream/sob as appropriate.

My background -

DM (70) carer for DF. She’s very hard of hearing (due to childhood illness) and currently having chemotherapy (tablets) for lymphoma. She’s also ultra religious (JW) which adds a whole other layer of angst at times.

DF (76) - <takes deep breath> totally blind (lost sight progressively over the years but no sight at all for last 30 years); wears hearing aids; slow-progressing prostate cancer; pacemaker; pre-diabetic; kidney stones; has a shunt draining cerebral fluid due to a diagnosis of normal pressure hydrocephalus which has severely affected his mobility and left him with urinary incontinence (he’s catheterised and not happy about it); he’s also on about 10 different tablets every day and showing early signs of possible dementia.

They have carers in twice a day to help my mum care for dad. She’s pretty active but due to dad’s issues he can’t be left alone for more than a few hours at a time. He pretty much only leaves the house to go to the Dr/hospital and spends 90% of his time in the bedroom listening to the radio/audio books.

I live 200-odd miles away and with job, young kids, and life in general, only get down to visit them every other month. They’re no longer able to come to us as mum finds the distance too much to drive and public transport is not an option with dad’s issues.

My brother is closer to them and tries to visit every other month too, but we both have The Guilt™️

So, waffle over, I am pulling up a chair and a cuppa (perimenopause has ruined alcohol for me 😞) and looking forward to sharing tales/screaming into the void with you all.

Welcome to the thread no one wants to be on @CaveMum and have a ginger nut to go with the cuppa. Sounds like you have a lot going on there. Feel free to shout and rant here, I do frequently.

We’ve just found out DM has NPH - I think you might have answered a thread I started about it - but no treatment yet. Probably too late at 87.

Welcome @CaveMum ☕️

OTs visited FIL today. I won’t rant it all out but he really has no pride or shame, and he lies as easily as he breathes. He’s the stereotypical dirty old man, and revels in people struggling around him and for him. MIL shouted through that they should put him out with the bins 😂 their parting shot was that if he won’t even try then he’ll stay in his bed. That got the eyebrows up, but he’ll have put it out of his head because it doesn’t suit.

A bit of a shock that DPD (dp's dad) has put his foot down, refused any more treatment and has determinedly started dying. He made the decision on Sunday and should be home with fast track funding on Thursday, likely to be dead in less than a week. I am admiring as ive always said this is what i want, but also can't help noticing what a huge effect this is having on DPM, who is also frail. She is facing life alone after 60 years of marriage.

Means I may lose two fathers in law in a fortnight.

@PermanentTemporary that’s brave, and tough, and decent and all sorts of things. Can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I hope it’s swift and peaceful for him.

DF has apparently improved enough today to look at my sister and state that he's not coming out of the hospital alive, but will be 'in a box' (wish he'd hurry up as this rollercoaster of 'being ok' to being massively confused, doing damage to himself as he keeps pulling his catheter out, just isn't conducive to healing)
Older brother flew in from another country, went to visit mum in her care home, only for her to introduce him to everyone as 'the stupid one' sigh

@Lightuptheroom what a delightful welcome! I hope your DF is comfortable and calmer today.

We're on holiday 7 hours behind the UK so phone is in flight mode. Never realised you still get missed call notifications until I got one from mum's GP. They've got DB1's number, if it's urgent he'll have to deal with it.

@countrygirl99 from a gp it’s unlikely to be particularly urgent. Enjoy your holiday 😎 we’re all with you in spirit!

Thanks for the welcome folks.

Currently anticipating the next bump in the road - mum says dad has been complaining of pain in his kidney’s for the last few days. For some reason the urology department think it’s sufficient to offer him telephone appointments rather than actually, shock horror, bring him in to actually take a look at him.

We get a lot of phone appointments and prescriptions here. Mostly it works, but the gp will come out for something odd or bad. I suppose if they went out to every old person who rang in with an ache or pain that would be extremely resource-hungry,

Sorry, just reread. Has your DF had pain like this before and been treated simply, or is it new/different/usually complicated?

He’s had problems with kidney stones for years, he has regular appointments every few months with urology but it’s those that they seem to have switched to telephone only. He’s been having the pain on and off for a few months, they call 111 and just get told to take some painkillers and call back if it gets worse. I’ve tried calling urology to talk to someone but despite leaving messages they don’t call back. We have a health and welfare PoA for DF so it’s not a matter of they “can’t” talk to me/my brother.

Ah yes, urology telephone appointments... for an 87 year old very deaf with an indwelling catheter that blocks regularly!!! I know they can't see everyone, but the switch to telephone appointments and telephone triage is definitely leading to things being missed. In our case my df has always flatly refused to do power of attorney or even give written permission for us to speak to the gp.. and as his surgery decided post covid to only take appointments via e consult its all very messy.
DF still very very delirious and doesn't know where he is. Infection markers in his blood are raised again and he still hasn't stood up in the 3 weeks since he fell and fractured his femur. He also still insists that he's living with various politicians!!

Just sending strength to all in the thick of it with very poorly elders.

I have been following and thinking of you all just snowed under with juggling daily life, work, kids exams, poo incidents and co-executor nightmares.

In the most recent episode in the land of bewilderment DH took DDad to the opticians which took 3 hours because not only could he not choose between 10 pairs of identical frames, but when that became too much he wanted just to change the lenses. One problem, neither of the pairs of glasses he had with him were his most recent glasses they had given him, they checked the frame numbers. No idea where his actual glasses are, DH searched the whole house when they got back, the ones he does have are very scratched up and aren't from this optician that he has been using for nearly a decade. Might explain why he hasn't been able to see much of anything lately!