Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@BestIsWest sympathy.
She keeps telling me that ‘now is your time to enjoy yourselves’, me and DH, now we’ve retired and are in reasonable health... I can’t even go to a funeral 30 miles away without four phone calls about her. Yes I am resentful.

Yeah, another relative said that to me, more or less. It's all very well to say that but it doesn't change what the situation on the ground is.

I'm suffering from a virus and can't speak, and my poor OH ended up having to take a call (when he was due to go off for something, he'll be late now) because of that. There's some sort of problem with the landline? Or phone? Luckily the mobile works (clearly) but her care line is linked to the landline. I'd been discussing this over text but then she rang...

Well, the nice neighbour who is coming over later (& I'm v thankful) is going to have to help her sort it I guess. Hopefully I'll be better by our scheduled visit on Friday.

Trouble is, she doesn't have anyone to talk to and can get worked up over stuff and doesn't think as clearly then (who does eh). I think me ringing up every so often helps BUT SOMETIMES I CANNOT DO THAT (like now).

Can I join? Been lurking for a while - have posted once or twice on the Elderly parents board before and had some good advice, I could just do with a vent. Parents - Mum mid eighties and Dad 89 - are still both compos mentis-ish and living 'independently-ish', but getting less and less so and more and more physically frail. Dad broke his arm after a fall a few years ago and it hasn't healed after two lots of surgery. Mum has been a carer for Dad since then. I live nearby and have been doing shopping, taking them to all of their (many, many) appointments, doing odd jobs/errands, and dropping in daily. I recently had a major op and couldn't drive or do much for a few months, so my DB (who lives 4 hours away, but works in a job he can do anywhere remotely) came and moved in with them for the duration. I am just about getting back to mobile and doing things and DB has gone home. Mum is really struggling to look after Dad, and her own health is failing. They already have a cleaner and a gardener and looked into the possibility of getting carers in while I was laid up, but decided it was too expensive (they can afford it - they just don't want to pay the going rate) and wouldn't meet their needs. Mum asked the cleaner to come more often and said she will buy more ready meals to make things easier. Since I have been mobile again, I have volunteered to help Dad get washed and dressed in the morning, which is fine, and continued with the shopping/errands/appointments etc. This evening DM phoned me out of the blue to say she was struggling with making dinner and could I come and help. I was taking DS to his piano lesson and said I would go to them afterwards. Anyway, she wanted a meal cooked from scratch, more or less (potatoes peeled & mashed etc.). I did make noises that I thought they were buying in ready meals for such occasions? But got grumbled at for being cross with her. Well I was cross. I had other plans, I had already been up this morning, been to the shop for them, got Dad dressed, pegged out the washing, and sorted out the repeat prescription for them. I don't need dragging across town in rush hour unnecessarily! I need to set some boundaries, don't I?

@NDornotND welcome and do vent here when you need to.

Yes, it seems your DPs are failing to realise you also have your own life and other responsibilities (god forbid you have any time to yourself, for yourself).

Try to work out what you are happy to do - that’s where boundaries start but far from the slow creep, you are visiting every day and doing a lot and you might need to do less. Raise again the getting other ‘help’ in, as a way to become more resilient in case you’re unable to help (or go on a holiday!). The help might be care in the guise of a potato peeling, personal assistant who can naturally pick up other tasks that need doing.

Thanks @FiniteSagacity
"Try to work out what you are happy to do". That's what I have been doing. Initially I said I didn't feel comfortable doing personal care, but actually that's been fine. I am trying to set a limit of once a day. I am self-employed in a very flexible job, so it's fine to go over and help for an hour or so in the morning before i start. I did tell them when they decided against the carers that I think they need more help than I am willing/able to give. I forsaw this situation, but DM tells me she's made her decision. There's no point trying to sell carers as anything other than that- she's mentally sharp.

Anyway, I have had a text message this morning saying she can manage getting dad ready today, so just pick her up for her appointment later. So she doesn't want me to do what I've agreed to do....sigh

Oh good lord. I do get that having any sort of outside help is a struggle for anyone - im sure I'll be the same - but @NDornotND how can any of you keep going like this?

It's mum I worry about. I am trying to stop her going under, but she is not easy to help and I am wary of ending up going under with her. I ignored her message this morning and went anyway. We had a good chat, which I think was helpful. No decisions made, but things out in the open and aired.

Just had a call that FIL is being discharged FFS. Was told on Monday it wouldn’t be this week as he was too ill. Me and DH have long work days so they need to have care in place 🙄 am hiding in the toilet for a grrrrrrr moment.

@SockFluffInTheBath discharge is so hit and miss.

I'm still not properly recovered, but if I don't go down tomorrow I reckon more stuff will build up and erupt later on. My OH has perked up quicker. Very grateful I have him!

Just finishing (laptop needs to update before shutting down). Started at 6:15 this morning and had a shocking day, 2 team members down and one of those days when everything goes wrong. FIL not back yet apparently. DH is awol, probably driving back from a supplier, don’t really want to go home. We’d made plans for the long weekend since we had to cancel our night away at Easter. Oh how we laugh. I am not doing this to my DC,

We had our first meeting with social services yesterday, to discuss DParents' current sitch, and what the route ahead involved if (as looks likely) DDad's physical state deteriorates to the point that he needs residential care and can no longer be managed at home.

I asked about money and was surprised to be told that if the assessment is for Ddad, then joint savings of the marriage would be split 50/50 and his half only be taken into consideration. I asked (for the sake of easy calculations) did this mean that if my parents had savings of £40k in a joint account, and that was essentially all their assets aside from the flat they live in then
a) my mum would be able to live in her home with no charge placed on it, and it not being an asset for the purpose of the financial assessment for my father's care - answer YES
b) if she never needed care, and died at home, would the flat still be considered her own asset to dispose of how she wished, and social services wouldn't come back at the end of her life to seek payment of my father's care out of the flat, if
i) he had already died in care. ii) he was still receiving care. Not sure of this answer - can anyone help?

c) If they have £40k in savings, is this sum split between them and so my father has £20k for the purposes of the assessment (in this example, that would leave his share below the threshold of £23,200 - but the principle I'm asking about is the same whatever the sum) but my mother is allowed to retain her half and this is not taken into account for the financial assessment. Again, the answer seems to be YES - DM can keep her share, (but the local authority will only fund certain homes, and DDad might not have his choice of a nicer place if DM didn't want to pay extra out of her own assets.)
d) how is income treated? my father receives a state pension, higher rate of attendance allowance and two very small private pensions. Do these get paid straight to the home with only a small amount retained by him?

I'd be immensely grateful if anyone with experience of this can help. It is the first time, for example, that I have heard that joint savings would be split between the spouses, and only half taken into consideration.

My first thought is that the above discharge is due to staff shortages over the bank holiday weekend rather than that your FIL is suddenly ready to go home. For the discharge to be "safe" there needs to be carers in place.
Discharge also takes much longer if hospital transport needs to be used!

@catndogslife mine too. Care seems to be in place, physios planned to visit 🙄 part of me wonders how long it will be before he’s back in. It’s just so sodding exhausting. Am aware I’m a bad, selfish person. Apologies if I’ve offended anyone. Home and wine I think 🍷

Sending love @SockFluffInTheBath. I’ve promised my DC the same.

@BigSkies2022 you might get more info starting a new thread about this- and tag @hatgirl, @emmagrundy , and possibly there will be more sw with experience?

And gin and sympathy to everyone else going through the mill.

@SockFluffInTheBath this is literally the thread for Bad Selfish Persons.
We all try to do ...well, an acceptable thing, at least ... while inside ...
I have spent much of the afternoon corresponding by text (trying to save my voice for tomorrow) about text messages sent by the BT Bot. (There is a problem with the landline, which is a pisser as the BT engineer has already come out once this year). It's not awful but I don't think the Campaign For Plain English was consulted. A lot of 21st century style language for someone who's in their 80s.

I am in two minds as to whether to encourage her to spread a net wider to relatives who admittedly live further (much!) away, but could still help with stuff like this.
They are all fairly sane, but still, cooks and broth. Dunno.

@SockFluffInTheBath I don't think that you are a "bad" person at all. You a juggling a lot and its just not humanly possible to do everything.
DMIL has been in hospital for lengthy spells 4 times in the last 6 years, so we have been there.

thanks - might well do that.

Good luck and best wishes to all!

Thanks ladies. Beat the ambulance and carer up the drive by long enough to get in and close the curtains. DH about 90mins away. I’m just so tired.

Sorry I don't generally look at these threads unless tagged as I always feel that I'm intruding a bit and it's family's place to have a bit of a grumble about adult social care and social workers if they need to.

In answer your questions

a) yes again from me - no charge on the property if a partner/dependent remains living in the property.

b,i) if your father had already passed away and your mum dies without needing residential care then the asset will be disposed of according to her will.

b,ii) if she goes first any share your father still has in the property will at that point be taken into account for his care. It's worth making sure at this point what their ownership arrangements are and ensure your mums share isn't going to pass to your dad on her death.

c) yes, and she needs to take her share out of the joint account and put it somewhere in an account with only her name on it. If she leaves it in the joint account then her half will be shared out again between the two of them at the next financial assessment, so each time leaving her a little worse off. If she then chooses to use her share to pay a 3rd party top up to fund a nicee home that is up to her.

d) all of your dad's income is taken into account (pensions, interest on savings etc) and will go towards paying his care fees HOWEVER you can ask for some of his income to be disregarded to continue to pay towards a share of bills for his previous property. It's not in the interests of Local Authorities to leave the remaining partner destitute and unable to pay their household bills because of care fees so often quite a bit of income will be disregarded unless the remaining person at home independently has sufficient income to pay the bills themselves.

@SockFluffInTheBath sympathies. Is he definitely going home? Have they shown you a care plan? A physio visiting isn’t enough! Surely without x no of visits per day put in place they can’t discharge him?

Thanks for your reply @hatgirl - incredibly helpful, and so kind to write at length to my post! have a good evening!

@SockFluffInTheBath thoughts are with you going through the unsafe discharge rollercoaster. There is nothing bad or selfish about the years you have spent as the DIL next door, nor is there anything bad about needing to look after yourself, your DC and your DH as your first priorities. We cannot do everything - working as well as raising DC and caring is exhausting.

Morning all, sorry for the whinge yesterday. 4 x carers in place as well as physio- yet to see physio but early days. MIL is extremely unhappy at FIL being back in her space, being nasty to everyone, hope that settles. DD’s a-level exams have started and she’s being vile with the stress, so there’s nowhere to hide at the moment. Am wfh today so I don’t punch someone 😅

@SockFluffInTheBath whinging is what this place is here for!
"Thank you, you're so patient!" was what I got today - that's down to being able to grumble here (!)

So today I have
a) thrown out out-of-date food
b) put notes on fridge and microwave for the carers about checking dates on food
c) agreed that she shouldn't have said "oh that's ok" to the chicken ready meal dated 21st - we think this explains the sickness today (the GP surgery, in a rare bout of usefulness, sent round anti vomiting pills ... I hope they'll stay down!)
d) completed the Blue Badge renewal, which was nearly done before she got ill today, but which had to be done by tomorrow
e) in feedback said, "why can't the over 80s use the photo you already have" - as everything likely to be behind them - wallpaper, upholstery, pillows - may well be patterned - in fact, why an over 80 woman who's had a BB for decades can't just tick "still alive, no miraculous recovery" I don't know!
f) filled in a form and dug out a death certificate to send back with it
g) put an online order in for tomorrow as there is now (see above) not much fresh food left in the house

Returning home now.

Is there any community based health scheme I could look into with the aim of keeping her from bouncing in and out of hospital, I wonder.

Also, she could do with - she brought it up - some sort of part time secretary/fixer. Not sure how you'd go about finding one (should I look at the ads in The Lady to get an idea?!).