Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Paramedics reckon they were sent to fetch him due to acute kidney failure. No idea what’s going on now.

Did the district nurses do bloods? They might have shown that he had an AKI. I hope your DH is okay.

They did, yes. Surprised they processed it so quickly though, assumed it would be days. Maybe a fast request because of his leg? Hospital can’t tell us anything except that yes, he’s there.

DH isn’t great, seems particularly morbid this time. He’s in a lot of pain with his back though, and been drinking heavily since the ambulance left.

Yes they would have done them urgently because of his infection. He will be getting the treatment he needs now, but is clearly very unwell I am not surprised your DH is having a drink, the stress of your parent being admitted unwell into hospital is great.

I’m not sure if I’m a bit cross about his leg, possibly wittering at this point as not much sleep. It’s not unusual for it to be infected, as the skin breaks frequently. The carers took over cleaning and dressing it, and hadn’t said it was any worse this time. Quite possibly something that couldn’t be seen and I’m being unfair.

Heard nothing from the hospital overnight (no news is good news?), and DH has had to go to work this morning. Will see what the day brings.

He will be admitted to a ward and you will know more once the consultants their review him.

I am waiting on a call back this morning for DF who looks to have an infected cat bite in his foot again. Might explain the poo incidents as the slightest thing upsets his bowel equilibrium.

@Choconuttolata FIL's digestion was like that. It wasn't pleasant to say the least and it's incredible how much a grown man can spread about. Luckily they had hard flooring to help him push MIL's wheelchair, carpets didn't bear thinking about.

Aargh. Just come here to rant after reading a thread in active where the OP blithely states that we should

‘take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

Give me strength.

@BestIsWest the kind of cultures where mum is already chained to the kitchen sink?

The second word is ‘off’ and I have a selection box to choose the first word.

It's always evident that these posters have zero or very limited experience. For the last 10 years we would have been coping with up to 4 elderly parents with widely differing needs and still be going with possibly years more to come. F that.

Spot on @countrygirl99 its normally ‘when my lovely mum gets old I will…’.

Bit like ‘when I have children they will never have sweets or cbeebies’ 🙄

I read the post and just had to come off as it was evident that they had no idea at all.

I then read this and I thought I am glad it worked out for her and her Dad, but not everyone has this relationship with their parents or the resources to manage.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/care-home-failing-sandwich-generation-elderly-b2722058.html

I’m not reading it, my blood pressure doesn’t have the headroom today 😅

No news from the hospital, still doing tests.

I hope you hear something soon @SockFluffInTheBath.

DF now has antibiotics, it took some convincing by me to get them to prescribe them because they wanted me to send a picture and the one DH took last night wasn't as clear so I sent them a new one while we were on the phone and then they agreed that it did indeed look infected 🤦

A woman's place is in the wrong. There is nothing that others dont love to have an opinion on. As a single parent (boo) of a teenage boy (boo) working full time (yay or simultaneously boo) grieving my husband (aww) I've been through my dad's stroke and death (aww) and simultaneously mother in law's dementia (aww but also yeuch when she had disinhibited behaviour), collapsed into hospital (boo) then went in a home for respite and then stayed for four years (boo) overlapping with FIL's terminal cancer (aww) and my mother's stroke resulting again in a highly confused, mobile and smelly lady in her late 80s needing care (aww, boo but no doubt also yeuch whenever the reality of incontinence and refusing to shower is noticed) plus her boyfriend's terminal cancer and death (aww) my dearest aunt's dementia, fall, fractured pelvis and eventual death (probably aww but yeuch if they knew the actual reality), my godmother's fall, head injury and yet another mobile confused lady without insight needing care (aww, boo, yeuch when she loudly states Unacceptable Views - actually most of them do that) - all over the whole of the south of England over a period of six years with not very many of us younger generation taking up the slack, all of us still working - ultimately you have to sort out the best care you can for them while trying to give your kids a life, preferably not having a breakdown* and only the odd bout of antidepressants and NOT CARING about the awws, yays, yeuchs and boos of people who don't know any of our elderlies, our lives, what a good nursing home looks like or the reality of what people on this board live every day.

*I know there are several people here who have had breakdowns from this and it's no joke.

Great Post, PT.

Bet they’ve never had to deal with a
doubly incontinent elderly person making lecherous remarks about young female relatives/carers and who can’t be left alone for even half an hour.

Brilliant post @PermanentTemporary from a former cockroach vet.

@PermanentTemporary "*I know there are several people here who have had breakdowns from this and it's no joke."

Yup, my Mum did. Funnily enough she was always saying, "Put me in a home if you have to!".

Who said, a lot is talked about families caring for the elderly but mostly the reality was that they were stuffed in a bedroom, fed and watered, and usually died quite soon?

@PermanentTemporary 👏

No real news here, one call from the hospital via BIL ffs who understands nothing, Something about FIL telling a physio (OT?) he can take himself off for a shower (lies) make dinner (lies) does his and MILs washing (absolute lies). Had some scans for something, no results. It’s impossible to get through, even the switchboard’s not answering so I got ward phone numbers online and they just ring. Doesn’t appear to be in immediate danger but who bloody knows. DH had a missed call but at that moment was tending MIL who had been stung by a bee. She’s quite happy in her peaceful house, tucked up in bed with her cat and teddy bear.

Cockroach vet. Had to think about that for too long!

Ooops, veteran!

Absolutely @EmotionalBlackmail. And lol to the idea that it's 'free' as well. Free to whom I wonder.

This evening dp's dad (who I didn't even mention in the above rant) has been admitted to hospital with suspected sepsis after 3 increasingly confused trips to A&E in 3 days courtesy of dp. Dp's mum is struggling as she forgot to take her PD meds into hospital, sat there all day without anyone managing to get any food to her, and is exhausted. So fed her while also picking ds up and feeding him from getting himself most of the way home. Dp now on another run to get her home, after 4 hours' commuting because Jacob Rees Mogg, he of 'family values' fame, thinks it's more important for people to spend half a day travelling to an office to do their teams calls than to be able to put that commuting time towards family responsibilities. DP I may say is only a year out of cancer treatment himself. Off to a hospice to see another elder tomorrow.

On the plus side, baked apples all round.

I hope to God they answer the phone at some point @SockFluffInTheBath. It would make less infinitely more liveable if they would.

@PermanentTemporary your poor MIL. Everything crossed for your FIL. Sounds like you’ve had a few exhausting days. Baked apples sound good though. We used to do them a lot when DC were small, might do some this weekend.