Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Tick to all of that @EmotionalBlackmail!

💐to all those at the coal face of caring / hospital management at the moment 💐

Amazing post - and you are bloody amazing @PermanentTemporary 👏👏 👏

It’s rare I speak to anyone who isn’t doing some sort of caring, plus children/teenagers, plus working (and yes, commuting to tick an effing office attendance box).

I also agree it is very often both Daughter and Daughter-in-Law duties - rarely one lovely, cooperative, elderly who brings mutual benefits if you take them into your home. Maybe the editors of these papers are getting quite elderly themselves…

Is it very wrong I’m disappointed FIL is likely to be coming home? All sorts of stuff coming today- electric bed, hoist etc the kidney failure seems to have been a false flag, he is covered in various types of sores from sitting on his fat backside all day and refusing to be washed despite incontinence, and they won’t discharge until they’re healing.

I know I’m a horrible person, it’s been so nice not having to field him these past couple of days. MIL is so happy too.

Physio says he can get himself out of bed, stand, take a few steps to a chair. Apparently he did it this morning when she asked him to. I’m not sure how I’m feeling, but it’s not happiness.

@Sockfluffinthebath I understand.

@SockFluffInTheBath sounds likely to be an unsafe discharge? Unless he is both truly willing and able to do the getting up and getting about, it will set him up for another crisis. Either hope his sores don’t heal (iyswim) or get DH to argue he needs residential care?

My FIL ended up discharged whilst not being able to reach the toilet and DH visiting from 100 miles away to hold the fort had to take him and support him. A day later he was back in hospital and died a week later.

@MotherOfCatBoy i fear you may be right. DH managed to talk to the hospital late on yesterday. FIL has told them BIL is ‘in charge’ and has refused the 6 wk discharge support package (can’t remember the name). Told them we’re next door so will take care of it all. DH explained we work etc and the nurse sighed at him and said everyone does but you need to manage.

I’m honestly at the point of thinking we need to move house. Youngest DC finishes school this year and will hopefully be off to uni so we don’t need to be in this spot for logistical reasons.

@SockFluffInTheBath it is not wrong - I remember the relief when DF was in hospital and how grateful we were when 24 hour supervision was recommended. Then being crushed when the social worker didn’t follow the medical advice and didn’t seem to understand the extent of his needs (neither did the ward!). For example, tumbleweeds when I pointed out on a Friday afternoon that discharge meant handing back to District Nursing who visited daily but it was too late to switch weekend visits back on.

We refused to collect DF because we needed the hospital to take responsibility for what we knew was an unsafe discharge.

You mentioned the carers taking over cleaning and changing dressings - did he not need specialist tissue viability nursing for any of the breakouts? Does he have diabetes?

And the torture of them listening to the self-centred person and BIL (who ho is an absolute dickhead).

You mentioned the carers taking over cleaning and changing dressings - did he not need specialist tissue viability nursing for any of the breakouts? Does he have diabetes?
no diabetes, god alone knows how as his diet must be 50% cake and he’s twice the size he should be. The district nurses do his leg when it’s bad, gets flagged by the carers (previously by us). Will ask about specialist tissue viability, not heard of that before. DH has said he won’t collect, FIL won’t get in DH’s car and I’ve refused to have him in mine again.

Going to email his SW and see if she can do anything, she’s normally very good.

Solidarité

@SockFluffInTheBath

When the hospital did this with DF (trying to send him home because he was independent?!! and asking me to pop in and change his commode once a day) because DB agreed (who lives 2 hours away in another city) I phoned and complained. They just wanted the bed because lots of people coming in at A&E.

They then did a diary of care to plan for discharge, then moved him to the discharge area and tried to talk about discharging him the same day. I spoke to the discharge team manager to explain the reality of the situation who then helped.

They put in place the local NHS re-enablement team with 3 calls a day (we did bedtime 4th). Within a few days the re-enablement team could see that he wasn't going to become independent and told social care and we organised carers to come in. Because he was used to carers from the re-enablement team coming in by that point it made it easier to transition although he did agree before discharge to carers.

Your DH and you have to be very clear to them that you cannot and will not be providing care, it is an unsafe discharge and no you don't 'need' to manage. Do this via PALS in writing (email) so you have a paper trail.

Oh God the "you'll need to manage" is so bloody annoying (not a strong enough word but can't think of a better one right now). Reminds me of the "can't you pop mum into the surgery" when that would make a 10 minute appointment twice a week two 3.5 hour trips for me. So unrealistic to expect that of you.

Can’t help wondering what happens when the “you’ll need to manage” nurse gets a call during a shift to deal with their own elderly relative! Do they just abandon their patients and go?!

Erm - if the BIL has refused the package it sounds like he is the one who 'needs to manage'. How the hell have the hospital taken HIS word for what YOU can do? (I know why, bevause it was what they wanted to hear).

@SockFluffInTheBath Solidarité indeed!

I think you are going to have to stand back and let the shitstorm happen. That is, don’t step in, don’t take on the care. It’s beyond you and totally unreasonable.
Talk to the discharge manager if there is one - do they work weekends?

Can I belatedly join please. The doctors wanted my mum to go to a care home but my sister said they could stay with her for a week until the bed became free. That was months ago. They held the bed for 3 weeks but they never went. My story is very lengthy but I just posted on this board a few minutes ago , a new post , that it is basically killing my Dad but it would kill him to be without her and I don't have a clue what to do.
Oh and I'm the bad daughter because I won't get rid of my 3 large dogs so they can live with me. I tried but Dad fell over one and I think that was trip to hospital number 7 for the year between them. Mum had a TIA yesterday ( they are staying with me for the weekend and a week soon) against doctors advice. They are just as likely to trip over one of the cats or the teenagers shoes. Still I'm the bad daughter. Good daughter lives on her own 80% of the time in a 4 br house.

Good daughter was the idiot who drove them out of the swish nursing home we had them set up in, after monthsof looking at places, because they weren't happy. Drove them to their home, not hers. Didn't tell me until after she'd done it. 2 weeks later phone call from their neighbours "Hi, just letting you know I've had to call the ambulance for you mum, your dad couldn't work the phone but he came and got me and she was not in a good way" Me: "Thank you, thank you".

Oh and she sent them to me without their walking sticks or walker or the ones with the 4 legs on the bottom of the stick. They use them all the time, every day. I texted her and asked where they were and she said "they said they didn't need them". I mean FFS. Oh and constantly being called her name gets me down ( minor I know but it just adds to the do you even know I exist)

Welcome @marsala1 🍷

Would a respite placement be a better option than them staying with you? I wouldn’t get rid of my dogs either, not a chance. It’s not good when there’s a golden sibling calling the shots and making a hash of it. Look after yourself, it’s a long game.

More of the same here today, DH got hold of the old men ward sister and read her the riot act. Seems to have gone in and he’s now primary contact. FIL still having IV antibiotics, seems a long time, but no discharge date. MIL living her best Alzheimer’s life sitting in the garden with her teddy enjoying the peace and sunshine.

Oh God, the mixed msgs from staff at the hospital.Def getting discharged tomorrow, no actually make that Wednesday but I'll call you in the morning to give you a time. Changed to Friday, will def call with time. No call. Bang head on table. And even worse the "I'm sorry you are not down as primary contact so we can't tell you anything. Would you like to be added as another primary contact . So who are you ? Oh the daughter that's fine" But you walk into the ward and ( if you can catch them) anyone will tell anybody anything. The security is very confusing.( useless)

@marsala1 I visited the hospital on the Friday afternoon that he was supposed to be being discharged and no one knew anything. Then I got a call saying it is today at about 4.45pm when I had started on the 2 hour drive home. I also had to point out that carers and district nursing were required and this seemed to be a surprise.

At least my siblings and me were working together, I’m so sorry your sister isn’t being realistic.

That's my problem with my Dad. After months in hospital where everyone literally though he was going to die, he's done a 180 and is compos mentis so is refusing help with showers ( that took 18 months to get as a care package from the govt), and hated the nursing home. But..... he regularly wears his pyjamas all day (fine) but out to the shops. Wears the same short sleeve shirt to bed and all day. Pj's go over the top. And the other night he went to pour himself a glass of red wine and ignored the glass that was right there and poured it all over his roast dinner that had just been lovingly made for him by my DH. So maybe not so compos mentis.Fecking hell.

So nice to meet you all. It's a distressing and lonely time. I have posted another thread on this board tonight but will try and keep up with everyone here from now on ( never knew about this unattractively named cafe 😉)
It's 1.35 in the morning here, but I find it hard to sleep when mum and dad are here because they do love a wander. Packing it in though. Night ( well morning to you guys I'm assuming). x

Hi @marsala1 make yourself comfortable. We have all sorts of beverage from hot chocolate to the strongest of hins just help yourself as needed.

It's not just olds discharges that are a pain. When he was 20 DS had a serious accident in the city he was at University in. Several hours of surgery to reconstruct his leg bones and his student house was completely unsuitable so he needed to come home. Home was nearly 3 hours away. I explained several times that they would need tp let me know in the morning because I'd need to get the train home from work to pick up the car (1 hour) and then do a 6 hour round trip plus the inevitable faffing because 1) they never have issued the drugs however much notice 2) city centre hospital and nearest car park 10 mins walk so it would be get him to entrance then go and get the car to pick him up. Told them if they called me after 12 it wasn't happening that day. They called at 4 and were most displeased I said I'd be there about 9.30am!

As @EmotionalBlackmail said, you can’t help wondering what the hospital staff do when they get these situations in their own families - surely there is some concept of what needs to happen.