Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

DB has POA and has tried that. BG won't play ball. He does get email confirmations of calls and has managed to catch and cancel a few but doesn't always see them in time. Carers are in twice a day and have been asked to let him know if there are real issues with the heating but they didn't let him know the cupboard lock had been removed. None of us live locally.
This is the latest in a long line of sabotages because mum is in complete denial that she has any issues whatsoever. She was prescribed hearing aids 5 years ago and diagnosed with alzheimer's a few months later.
She's been referred to the falls prevention team after a few falls and got offered a course of balance classes, agreed and then made sure she was out every time the transport arrived - the only time she went was when we weren't able to remind her 30 mins before they arrived.
She doesn't hear the phone as she won't wear the hearing aids (denies it, must be faulty. Never is when checked) so I organised equipment to help and next visit it was unplugged and in the cupboard.
Carers were taking her to appointments to get a dressing changed after she got a bad cut in a fall and she was calling the surgery when she got home to cancel the next appointment ( got that stopped now)

@countrygirl99 what a nightmare. Sabotage over time meaning you’ve tried everything. In my experience, BG are also a nightmare for customer service so I hear the another task situation too.

@countrygirl99Sounds like a nightmare with your Mum. I am afraid I have no helpful advice, just lots of sympathy.

to all of us on Mother's Day who had to flick through all the "thank you for everything you do for me Mum" cards in the shop to find one that doesn't have such inappropriate words. When they were never very mothering and now you've been left looking after them, it's a doubly hard day. It should be my Mum taking me out to thank me today.

What a nightmare. I have to admit I cancelled DMs service contract with BG when we had the boiler and gas fire replaced. They were next to useless at coming out when she had repeated problems with the fire.

No suggestions @countrygirl99 other than remarking that it sounds as though she can no longer live by herself… but what good does that do, you will have thought that yourself. Sorry. I suppose she won’t hear of any other living arrangements? And is she seems to have capacity?
In the summer coming maybe it’s no problem if she switches the heating off but next winter it could be a danger to herself and maybe a reason to look at a care home?

@MotherOfCatBoy that is exactly the situation. On the rare occasion she says she would like to move to a home the only one she is prepared to consider doesn't take people with dementia. But of course she can't see why that is a problem as she can't remember being diagnosed with alzheimer's.
Still I've ridden my horse this afternoon and had a nice dinner and a couple of glasses of wine so I'm feeling more mellow now😁. I highly recommend Sainsbury's pistachio tiramisu for and indulgent pudding.

Ooh that sounds bloody marvellous!

to you @countrygirl99

Flicking through Mother’s Day cards looking for appropriate words really resonates. My DM has been ok, but as I got older I realised that she did the basics of feeding, caring and housing, but never tried to really connect with me. She was never academic and couldn’t share my love of school, showed no interest when I was researching career options or universities etc. Just said she knew nothing about it. She also didn’t like my relationship with close friends and became jealous, so our relationship drifted. When I had my first DC I asked for advice a couple of times and she just said she couldn’t remember and left me to it! I never asked again. So many cards say thank you for helping me, teaching me and for everything you do. It makes me sad that none of this is relevant. She wasn’t a bad mother, just not very good at it. If you asked her, she’d prob say we are quite close because she doesn’t realise how much has been missing and I’ve kept a decent relationship out of duty. I admit I’m jealous of friends who adore their parents and whose mums are hands on and always offering nuggets of advice and life lessons. I hope to be like that for my DC because I know how important it is.

To be honest my mother has never been one for sending Mothers Day, or any other cards, with long verses in herself. She was therefore perfectly happy to receive a card with a simple Mothers Day greeting (or Mothering Sunday if I can find one of those).

Major breakthrough thos eve ing. Really traumatic visit with mum totally confused about several thingsand me running around trying to sort problems. Then she asked me to arrange to visit a care home that may be suitable. She might forget she said it tomorrow but she just seemed so small and frightened this evening.

God @countrygirl99 what a moment. I hope it sticks.

Incident with FIL tonight (started another thread) and golden BIL is so concerned he’s calling everyone but not managed to get off his sofa and drive the hour to lift a finger himself. DH has crocked himself lifting FIL, says it’s the last time, said that the time before. I honestly want this to be the point he gets taken away, but that will open other cans of worms.

Hopeful @countrygirl99 is about to turn a corner.

@SockFluffInTheBath wishing you strength and that your DH also finds his will to put his own oxygen mask on and refuse to let things continue.

@SockFluffInTheBath what a nightmare.

thanks both 💐

DH is doing a good job of being unavailable today, and I’m 30-odd miles away so sadly unable to help. BIL said he needs a little bell to ring. Who’s going to hear that and run to his side? 😂🙄🙈

Good luck @countrygirl99 that sounds exactly what’s needed!

@SockFluffInTheBath my sympathies.. off to read your other thread!

I've made an appointment to visit the xare home week after next. Now can't get hold of mum to let her know. She'll be at lunch club now until mid afternoon so will probably be in a good mood and wonder why I've made the appointment.

I wish you both luck @countrygirl99 and @SockFluffInTheBath.

DM is still in the reablement ward waiting for a care package and desperately wants to go home. Everytime I visit she has her bags packed. Dirty washing mixed in with clean etc. I came away early today as she was in a proper mood with me for ‘questioning her sanity’.

@countrygirl99 🤞that your DM remembers or is amenable to the possibility of a care home when the visit comes around.

@SockFluffInTheBath it sounds really hard right now for you and DH, well done to both of you today for backing off. BIL needs to step up. If FIL is at the point of being bed bound maybe a discussion about a care home is on the cards, like you say there is no one to answer a little bell unless his carers are there currently.

My DF is being very belligerent and rude with his carers currently, DH and I have had to have words with him a few times about how he speaks to them. He is also trying to say they haven't given him medication when they have. DH has spent hours up there in the last few days due to poo accidents. Yesterday he had just left a pad full of poo in the middle of the floor, his hands were covered in it, his clothes were soiled, any surfaces he had touched were covered. In good news the downstairs toilet will be finished soon which might help a little with the clean up operations.

Bloody hell there’s something in the water this week, we’re all up to our eyes. Maybe changing the clocks set them all off 😂

Definitely something in the water @SockFluffInTheBath and BIL should note that a care home helpfully has a bell in every room… which is answered by the lovely team of staff… FIL needs a team now.

@Choconuttolata wishing you strength and the downstairs toilet is finished early. Then at least everything has been tried if you have to go down the care home route.

@BestIsWest I’m held personally and specifically responsible as the one who ‘questions sanity’ and has made DF have to have ‘all these assessments’ but in the ways DF has protested, he is just proving me right over and over 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Choconuttolata fingers crossed for the loo. I remember ranting on a thread about FIL some time ago saying how he dropped bits of poo everywhere and someone asked me how on earth he could manage that 😅 oh how nice it must be to not have to deal with old peoples poo.

@BestIsWest that sounds tough. That’s the kind of thing that really grinds you down. Fingers crossed the placement comes through.

Ambulance just come up the drive. Hoorah.

Are they taking him to hospital for IV antibiotics @SockFluffInTheBath ? His leg infection sounds nasty.