Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I guess you can’t tell @SockFluffInTheBath , leave them to it on the money.
Sounds like your DH ha chosen where to draw the line and it sounds sensible if he can stick to it. Time for BIL to step up for FIL.

Sorry to steamroll onto this thread, but I'm at breaking point with my DM (84). Been sitting here crying for the past hour 😰.

DF (88) currently being tested for dementia as he is very confused. Been like that for past few years but last few weeks have seen a significant downturn. DM has been in total denial and even now, is claiming he 'isn't that bad'. He is to get a xray on his chest for a suspected chest infection so potentially some of his downturn might be attributed to that.

She has recently got a sore back, which is a regular thing. On Thursday, she took my dad to see doctor about the confusions and mentioned her sore back. Doctor told her to go to hospital and take an overnight bag to be tested for a blood clot. DF can't be on his own and there is zero care in place so I had to go and stay with him overnight. DH took day off work on Friday to do school runs.

DM didn't have a clot and was just a muscular thing so was discharged. I said to her there will need to be something in place long term if she is ever hospitalised, etc and she just changed the subject. Clearly, she thinks I will be on call for any crises they have (i'll help out but I have 3 kids and not going to be their only source of help). She even said "thanks for helping out, but I suppose we have done plenty for you" which I thought was quite an arsey thing to say, but not unexpected from her.

Today I was meant to be visiting with the kids but have had vomitting and diarrhoea since last night so had to cancel. On the phone, didn't mention DF once and went on and on about her sore back. She isn't taking anything stronger than paracetamol for her sore back because of 'side effects' of stronger pills 🙄, yet was wailing about not knowing what to do.

She made me feel guilty about today by saying how she was looking forward to seeing us, and then said "we'll need to manage". They had shopping in, etc so wasn't needing anything.

I feel like I am having all her self made problems put all on me (not getting care or help in thus hurting her back, living in a totally unsuitable house), my dad is losing his mind and I am worried sick, yet it's all becoming about her back injury, and she is not accepting any care or help (or anything stronger than paracetemol).

She is going to put it all onto me and will see it as a betrayal if I contact social work services, but I just can't do this anymore. I am worried sick about my DF and she has hindered any help until now with her denial, but now she is in a depression with her sore back and DF's issues are being sidelined.

@Frazzledmummy123 stop, and take a breath.

You cannot go and risk passing on your sickness.

Your mother is a self-centred drama queen.

And breathe.

She is manipulating you, as so many of our mothers seem to do. It would not be a betrayal to contact adult social services, it would be disloyal to not contact them. She cannot cope, your DF needs more. It is not disloyal to ask for that help if her pride, stubbornness, whatever it is stops her from asking herself. If needs be, sell it that carers for DF means more family attention for her 🙄

I hope you feel better soon.

Sounds like time for strategic half truths. E.g. email social servces and if she kicks off say you haven't SPOKEN to them or get someone else to contact social services on your behalf so you retain plausible deniability ( have done that with the RSPCA for someone in an awkward situation).

@SockFluffInTheBath thank you 💐. It makes me feel better to know that other people think same as me about her being selfish and dramatic.

I undoubtedly need to contact social services, however my worry is, she is compos mentis so this means she can refuse help and nothing can be enforced.

Either way, none of us can carry on like this. I know I certainly can't. My DH says he has never met anyone as stubborn or entitled as DM.

@countrygirl99 thanks, and yes you are right. A strategic half truth is probably a good idea right now so can do something and dress it accordingly.

I could have written your post. I really understand. The one thing that thas helped re when my mother fell and had to be hospitalised and I wasn't able to help, was when I told them my father was frail and had dementia, they suggested he be admitted into hospital as he couldn't be left alone. Apparently this is a thing. Unfortunately my father refused, I then was run ragged driving 3 hours just to spend some time with him and some overnights, and then he fell in my absence and was admitted to hospital anyway!

So in short. If your mother is hospitalised, push for your dad to be admitted to too. They normally put them in different gender rooms on the same ward, so they can hang out. It also means the hospital social worker can then work on a joint care package. Even if your mum refuses a care package for herself. She may accept a care package for your father, which would lighten the load on her. Take care of yourself. I know how hard this is.

One more thing @Frazzledmummy123 do you have a power of attorney set up and registered for either of them? It would be worth looking into that. It will be more complicated for your father with his capacity issues, but please seek advice. It will make sorting out paperwork, banking, paying their bills etc much easier when it sounds like you have a plate that is already overflowing.

Early Saturday morning I realised how the last 10 years have conditioned me to panic when the phone rings. Friends and family use WhatsApp/Messenger/text, my volunteering groups email or WhatsApp, the vaccine trial I'm on do phone once a month but I know when to expect the call. Any phone calls I get are scams/marketing or a problem with mum. Saturday DH had a very early start to get to a hobby event and set the alarm on his phone for 5.15. I was already awake but I had that instant hit of a couple of seconds of complete panic (because at that time it wasn't going to be someone wanting me to upgrade my phone was it!) before I realised what it was.

@countrygirl99 I can empathise with this. My friends only ever message on WhatsApp or Messenger, the only time my phone rings is my DH or my DM. If the phone rings and he is with me, my heart jumps into my mouth. It's horrible how it gets you like that.

Yes, same here. It’s like a horror movie - we are all chatting downstairs and The Phone rings from upstairs. Can see that thing they do where the background goes away and the phone zooms in. Horrible.

Agree. I remember being in the funeral car and on the way to my dads funeral and feeling oddly calm, realised it was because I’d been able to turn my phone off and if there was a disaster (mother or daughter well more likely mother ) they were with me in the car so I’d not get any unexpected calls . My mother had always treated me as a surrogate spouse so any issues with my dad she expected me to be there.

I’m really sorry to flounce in and throw my hands up but what do you do when your parent sends you a mad person text to say you’re (still) banned from visiting them in Nursing Home?

The message is out of the blue although calling me evil isn’t and I actually think he might want a visit (probably not from me but I’m closest). This is so hard to navigate and there’s no diagnosis so we’re floundering trying to give some quality of life.

See if the nursing home can give you more context, and take it from there?
And, if needed, vent at a friend, or here... Can help you compose yourself for when you need it :/

Thanks @MysterOfwomanY I’ve got a wing woman for tomorrow and we’ll ask the nurses how the land lies. I might be not seen or heard but moral support for his visitor.

So frustrating that he’s literally biting the hands that actually do all the things for him and could take him out somewhere for a change of scene. The only positive is that he seems to be appreciating his nurses and carers more now and we do want him to appreciate them.

@FiniteSagacity that sounds tricky. If you think it might be a reverse fishing for a visit, and if it would make you feel better, then maybe go and see? Is there somewhere nice nearby you can get lunch/tea afterwards with your moral support act?

Feeling your pain. Could you maybe breeze in with something for the room very briefly and ‘get a phone call’ and have to leave before you get dragged into anything?

Also yes to nice treat after, look after you!

Thanks all for the handhold - it meant so much to know others understand the internal conflict and the dread (there are definitely times I’d have gratefully taken the ban and literally not visited!).

I do think it is probably some sort of reverse fishing for a visit and I do have compassion for how distressing it must be to be losing your faculties and be so frail and powerless. I just don’t know what triggered the messages but it was an absolute tirade and DH doesn’t know why I go back (I don’t know how much more time there might be!).

I compromised with not going into the room (that I’m specifically banned from) in case he is feeling invaded and saw him in the more neutral territory of the lounge. My wing woman was an absolute legend and the staff were really lovely too. I had a nice time chatting to the other residents.

Great reminder to have a reward - we had tea and cake and a debrief and I’m no longer questioning what I did to cause him to treat me this way (it’s not me, it’s definitely him).

Bloody mum has sabotaged yet another attempt to prevent a problem her behaviour is causing. This problem is going to start costing her hundreds of pounds a week soon. If anyone know how to prevent someone fiddling with their central heating that doesn't involve locks that can be remind off I'm grateful for any suggestions. She's been calling gas engineers out every 2-3 days under her service contract for nearly 2 months and they are threatening to start charging. Quite frankly amazed they haven't charged already as there is never anything wrong with her heating other than she's switched it off. I got a lock for the cupboard that is designed so you can't get at the screws when it's locked and she's forced it off. Can't fit boxes over the controls without getting them moved. Right now I can't think of anything other than handcuffs.

@countrygirl what an absolute nightmare. Do the service people have any ideas?

They just suggested a lock. I suspect it had been forced off before I got home.

DM fiddles incessantly with hers but she has a Hive thermostat and controller. I have threatened to buy a small safe for it and not tell her the combination. Is something like that a possibility @countrygirl99? No idea how much it would cost though - hers was installed when the boiler was replaced two years ago.

Mum switches off the power to the controls so not sure that would work. We've tried putting notes on the switch that say emergency use by British Gas only and she removes them. I put up a note saying British Gas will charge £135 if this switch is turned off and she removed it. She denies ever seeing the notes or even calling British Gas (worst run was 6 consecutive days) so we can only hazard guesses as to why she does it. We know she doesn't understand that the boiler will go off it's warm enough (and the room with the thermostat gets the afternoon sun plus she's in a habit of putting on the electric heater as well!). Also one of the engineers thought she was turning down the thermostat if she got too warm and expecting the radiators to go cold instantly but there could be other random illogical thoughts going on as well. All I get from her is it's not me calling them must be someone else.

Do you have POA? Can you set something up with the engineers that they only respond if you call them? Maybe use some kind of password so they know it’s you? Clutching at straws here sorry! It’s more work for you I know. Another effing task as DH says.