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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
oaktreeaandme · 18/12/2024 21:24

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NoBinturongsHereMate · 18/12/2024 21:24

You're correct that Social Services definitely wouldn't pay in those circumstances, regardless of what funds he has avaliable. So, no funds = no place.

Would he be able to move to a retirement complex with on-site restaurant and perhaps a laundry service?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 18/12/2024 21:25

Fair enough. If he can afford it and it's what he wants he should absolutely do it.

HollopingHooligans · 18/12/2024 21:25

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It sounds more like OP is worried about the fact he can only afford to self fund for 1.5 years and then what? If there's no medical need for him to be in a home, he won't be able to stay there!

NoBinturongsHereMate · 18/12/2024 21:25

If his funds will run out in 18 months, he can't afford it.

HoundsOfHelfire · 18/12/2024 21:26

What about a half way house? Sheltered accommodation

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 18/12/2024 21:27

Is there an extra care scheme locally?

Onlyvisiting · 18/12/2024 21:28

What about sheltered housing? Wardened accommodation type thing?
Honestly it sounds like what he really wants is to go live in a hotel like on faulty towers (didn't Maggie thatcher do that? )

Joking aside a long term hotel room might be cheaper. .....
It sounds like at the most he would be in a residential home, not the nursing home with his wife if he doesn't need eg personal care.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 18/12/2024 21:29

Does he have a house that could be sold?

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 21:30

If he's self funding why is this a problem? Not every home is a care home in the truly medical sense. Some are more like retirement homes.

This situation is sort of the dream, isn't it? So many people spend years trying to convince their parents that they need to be in a care environment because they're a danger to themselves. How refreshing that someone wants to take control of how they spend this last chapter?

trappt · 18/12/2024 21:31

Sounds like he’d be better off going on a round the world cruise!

eyeblob · 18/12/2024 21:32

If he has over 23250k he is self funding. If he owns his own home that could be sold to fund care, also note that is mil not fully chc funded that it may affect her contribution too if she owned part of the home. If after he runs out of funds and he does not have 24 hour care needs social care will not fund his care home and he will have to leave, proberly to sheltered or extra care housing so I would recommend that he consider that as an interim till he needs care.

UltramarineViolet · 18/12/2024 21:32

Does he have a house to sell OP?

If yes then the sale proceeds plus any pension he receives would likely be adequate for him to move in a care home

I agree with you that it's a shame that he can't be happy living alone but if he would be happier in the care home with MIL and he can afford it it then it's his life

RobinStrike · 18/12/2024 21:33

The worry is that if he only has enough money for 18 months then where does he go? A residential home won't let him stay and it would then be his family's problem. If he does have enough for longer then he should go for it.

Tiswa · 18/12/2024 21:33

My Nan bought a flat attached to a home - had carers on site and going in but had her own place that you sell back to them for the same price when she died

i think you are being harsh he doesn’t want to live on his own anymore so help find a solution

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:33

HollopingHooligans · 18/12/2024 21:25

It sounds more like OP is worried about the fact he can only afford to self fund for 1.5 years and then what? If there's no medical need for him to be in a home, he won't be able to stay there!

Yes it’s this entirely. We don’t expect anything from FIL at all, and it’s his money to spend as he wants. But he only has about £100,000 max in property, plus a modest pension. MIL is in a very nice private residential/ nursing home which is about £1200 a week. So his money would last for 1.5 to 2 years - and then what?

But thanks for the judgement @oaktreeaandme , much appreciated.

OP posts:
rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:36

Tiswa · 18/12/2024 21:33

My Nan bought a flat attached to a home - had carers on site and going in but had her own place that you sell back to them for the same price when she died

i think you are being harsh he doesn’t want to live on his own anymore so help find a solution

Umm yes, that’s why I am posting on here: to exploited other solutions.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 18/12/2024 21:36

I don't see that working op unless there's someone else who is willing and can step in to cover his expenses. I'm sure it's very lonely and probably a big change for him living alone even with that support you have in place. I think a fold/semi supported accommodation would be a better option so he'd have company etc but it would be cheaper for him and maybe more sustainable.

Werecat · 18/12/2024 21:37

He’s lonely and life is hard for him. He’s seen that it could be different. He wants to be around other older people and have organised fun somewhere warm and safe.

That’s what it sounds like to me. So he needs to be delivered food in a warm house with plentiful cake and tea, with frequent trips to locally organised entertainment and old age social groups. Is that possible?

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 21:39

I think sheltered accommodation with a very active community on site would be the best option.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 18/12/2024 21:39

But he only has about £100,000 max in property, plus a modest pension.

If he sells the house, half the value is likely to be counted towards MiL's care. So it will run out in a year or less.

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:41

MIL is on end of life care and likely to pass away in the next few days, so emotions are running high.

they own a small flat worth around £100k. He has a reasonable pension, not sure how much.

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be - especially now that the nurse has invited him to move in 🙄.

OP posts:
Foreigners88 · 18/12/2024 21:42

Let him go. He is looked after by your sil

Foreigners88 · 18/12/2024 21:43

I don't get that. How she was entitled to fully funded care

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 18/12/2024 21:44

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 18/12/2024 21:25

Fair enough. If he can afford it and it's what he wants he should absolutely do it.

I totally agree. Lots of people choose to go into care homes so someone can, well, just care for them.