FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

[rickyrickygrimes]

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

Like another said there is places like flats that are connected to old people homes. Not sure about being fed but probably could. There would be activities for him. Very hard position.

We have a day care facility for the elderly near us, It sounds like a half way between care and home, they also pick up 'members' from home. No idea of the costs though www.woodlandsclub.co.uk/contact-us

If it makes you feel better, I realised you were worried about the 1.5 years and not your inheritance.

I guess just say that he can't as he hasn't got the money? Once he's kicked out he'd have no house, and if he ends up renting could find himself with a worse set up than his current one. He's possibly angling to move in with one of you.

Sheltered accom with communal dining? Does he have a spare room? There is a scheme where the elderly exchange their spare room to have a lodger who is willing to run errands for them. Or can he pay for a part time housekeeper or someone who can come in cook a meal clean up a bit and keep an eye on him?

My FIL went into an Extra Care Scheme. He rented the flat and had no real care needs to begin with but with carers on site the care could ramp up as he needed it. There was a restaurant onsite and a games room etc. and he had a new lease of life and was there until he died. Renting is often better than buying as there are lots of horror stories of flats not selling and meanwhile freeholders charging huge sums.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/assisted-living-and-extra-care-housing/

Sounds like he's lonely and likes the idea of the group atmosphere of a home. Or maybe he's exhausted from worrying about his wife for the past five years and, yes, wants someone to take care of him for a change. So what if he does? It's his money, his flat to sell.

Why can't he choose to go into a home? Sounds a great idea. He's of sound mind and body as you have stated, so that means he's considered it carefully and has the capacity to choose for himself.
Why banish him to a life of loneliness and the stress of doing daily tasks he doesn't want to do? There are many forms of retirement living which aren't "nursing" care and if he likes the home his wife is in, why not?

Will he make the arrangements himself or does he need your help? If so, support him in doing what he wants. If the care home have offered him a place, they'll need to explain about the funding but he clearly has a home he can sell to fund himself initially. Let him do that. Some homes - like the one my mother was in - billed each month but was prepared to wait for the money until the family home was sold, and then we paid all the outstanding. You say the money will last for a couple of years, which is fine. He may only live for a couple of years.

Once the money gets low, there will be further conversations to have with the care home. There are many options which could happen, and he may not necessarily need to move. It may be his needs increase over that time and he'll qualify for financial support by then, or the local authority may take over the funding as his finances will be under the limit, this happened with my mother and she just stayed in the place we'd chosen. Worse case scenario he may need to move but that isn't always the case at all, and things can change a lot in 2 years.

Don't condemn your FIL to loneliness and a life he doesn't want, just because you don't like the idea of it. Help him to have a happier, stress free and gentler life in his later years instead.

the point is he doesn’t have the money.

What does he do when it’s run out in 18 months?

I'm sorry about your MIL op. What a tough time for you all. Does your FIL understand the problem with funding and has the idea of sheltered accommodation been suggested? The other alternative is for him to go into the care home as a short term 'respite' while he comes to terms with the loss of your MIL. That partly depends whether you think you can get him out again either back home or until you can sell the house and find sheltered accommodation.

You've posted about him before, haven't you? You said he was lonely, had limited mobility and was depressed and wanted to be looked after at home by family. So why now object when he's come up with a solution that absolves you of that?

Move to residential accommodation where he'll have company and won't have to boil an egg if he doesn't want to?

Or get a part-time housekeeper/cleaner?

His entire year's state pension would pay for about a month of the home. This stuff costs.

You've just got to keep saying that.

@MeanderingGently i won't quote your post as it is quite long.

The reality is when his money runs out, if his health is similar to now, he will be homeless.

Most care homes won't take him anyway because they usually require proof of two years funding upfront. It sounds like he doesn't even have that!

I realise your post is meant kindly, but we are talking about a man with no health problems. He will literally just make himself homeless if he does this!

it would be cheaper for him to live and eat in a hotel.

It’s not a solution. The money will be gone in 18 months. Then what?

Omg

reading comprehension really is a lost art

It really is.

Everyone saying just let him, what are your solutions for when the money runs out in less than 2 years? He won't get funding as it stands now.

If it were my FIL i'd be very worried about this scheme.

There is a difference between between a care home and a nursing home. He does not yet need nursing. But care homes and those with supported living units can provide exactly that kind of help. For a price.

If it solves the problem of you all running round after him and lets you enjoy spending time with both your parents with no major commitments, it seems like an ideal situation. You can visit without the stress.

When my grandma went into care it was a facility that offered a laundry service and cleaners for extra fees. They were provided with a cooked meal each day in the dining room but breakfast and tea they organised in their own rooms. Grandma had a microwave and a hot plate so could do quite a few options.

She had the company of friends from her local area but could retreat to her own room when she wanted. Her room consisted of a bedroom with en-suite wet room, lounge and kitchenette. Perfect for her needs. Sounds exactly what your fil wants.

Yes it does. Problem is, he can’t afford it for more than 18 months.

My aunt moved herself into a care home for similar reasons and had to fund it entirely from her income/savings. It was costing £1600 a week almost.
She actually did not like it after about 3months - it was not half as 'caring' as it appeared. By then she had been ill and was unable to return to her house, even with care going in.

A social worker had to be assigned to assess her who said she did not require care in a care home and was suited to an extra care facility- where she now lives. She has a lovely one bedroomed flat and a care package from very nice on site carers- agreed with social services that meets her needs. They do her housework, washing and ironing and help her shower/bath dress daily and help with meals and medication. It costs about £2300 a month including energy/rent/shopping bills etc. It is mostly covered by her income- pensions and attendance allowance. There is an onsite cafe, lovely social areas and she has made some friends. Her physical health has deteriorated this year but she manages reasonably well there. There is a wide range of abilities amongst the residents- some require very little input at all from carers.
As a person she is difficult at times and demanding but has settled and they deal with her fuss and mini-dramas very well. If her savings money does run out, the council will meet any difference between her monthly income and the costs because they have assessed her as requiring that level of placement.

How about sheltered accommodation? He'd have his own small place but help on tap if he needed it and could employ someone to clean for him once a week. There would be a communal lounge, sometimes a restaurant, laundry.

It might even give him a new lease of life.

That sounds a better idea than a care home.

Try and find a home for your fil, him wanting to go in a care home is the biggest hurdle sorted.

My late mum was double incontinent, couldn't walk, talk, feeding was by a tube.
Dementia didn't know who anyone in the family was.
Yet she didn't qualify for free care.
How did your mil get it.

This is what annoys everyone that there is no consistency in who gets or doesn't get help.
Mums house sold for £137k. When she died and probate was sorted.
My 2 brothers, sister and I received £125 each.
Yes I'm glad she was looked after so well as some of the homes were awful.

Post after post by people who didn't read the OP 😱😱😱😱 is everyone on the sauce tonight?

it's like "cancel the cheque" again

If MIL is dying in the next few days he doesn't need to go I to her home.

He can go into a home with more independence.

There's nothing wrong with him wanting this though..

He is probably very lonely.

And given his wife is about to die of course he's thinking ahead.