FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

[rickyrickygrimes]

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

It sounds a perfect solution for him. It will be self funded.
It may be cheaper to have a live in housekeeper /carer

The house doesn't count if a family member over 60 is living in it. Also, if she has a pension, that will be put towards care and living (but not medical) costs.

See if you have an Abbeyfield home nearby. Everyone has their own room and en-suite, but there is a communal lounge and meals are provided. It's a bit like student housing, but for the older person. We looked at it for my Aunt, but she then developed MH issues and couldn't take up her place. AgeUK website is a good place to find info on all the different options.

Do you have an Abbeyfield near you or him ? They are set up for this sort of situation, to offer support ( two meals a day, social activities) and as a charity they are more affordable.

One of my relatives moved into one after being widowed and was very content there for ten years.

I’m not even going to read any further in the comments. Ignore people who think it’s a great idea. The majority of care homes are horrible depressing places. They are not for people who are just lonely. And if he moves in and his money runs out they will tell him to get on the housing register as they won’t fund someone for the reasons you’re describing.

Absolutely agree,look into a companion. He sounds like he needs a bit of looking after/ spoiling and he won't get that in a care home.

one hospice near me has ‘day care’ for elderly people.

They go and have their dinner, play bingo etc but a bus drops them to their own home in the evening. Is there anything like that nearby?
Or a men’s shed type thing that will keep him company. He sounds lonely x

Those with the most severe needs pay nothing no matter what they own. Very hard to get but common with Parkinson’s with Louis Bodies . So have severe needs both in body and mind. It replaces nhs care.

There’s a little retirement complex on my housing estate. It’s bungalows and a few flats rented from the council. It’s opposite shops, doctors and on a bus route. They have pretty communal gardens and have room for activities, suppers, quizzes and so on. Something like that would be perfect for him as thry also have alarms incase someone is taken ill. He could have a couple of meals or coffee and cake in with his new friends a few times a week in the communal room and then some ready meals from the local shop for the other days. It always sounds so friendly as the residents post in a local FB page for my housing estate that I wish I could move in.

It is also worth remembering that self finders often pay a much higher rate for the same provision that funded people would access (local authorities are able to negotiate set rates) so the fees are likely to be higher .
The local council website should have lots of ideas for alternative provision, day services, local activities, luncheon groups.
Social prescriber at GP surgery may also be able to help
Talking therapy may be something he would find beneficial too if he is open to it?
Might he feel reassured with a call alarm or some kind of telecare? Could he be worried about falls or similar?
There is usually a lot out there when you start looking.

My sister put my mum into an assisted living place in the US - it was very nice. But it was outrageously expensive.
She lived in a 1bed/1ba flat on the third floor of this place. It had an elevator. Restaurant, or your meals could be delivered. Housekeeping once per week. Lovely grounds with a pool. Friendly staff. It didn’t smell. There were “cliques” just like in middle school.
I think the last I heard, it was north of $6000/mo. That was in 2017.
My mum had the money, but I thought it was ridiculous. It wasn’t that elegant. It was merely a dressed-up old-folks home.

That was exactly what I was thinking. He's about to lose his wife!

Also, how old is he? My full response would be completely different if he's 75 compared to if he's 90.

It really helps if you pay attention before sharing your opinions.

What do you think will happen after 18 months when the money runs out?

I expect it would be likely be her problem when the money runs out.

I can see two issues.
One is the death of your MIL.
Could your FIL have a family member care for him as he goes through this? Have someone stay with him until after the funeral. My father stayed with my sister for a week or two.
Your FIL will mourn his wife and his routine visiting and caring for her.
The second issue is your FIL's future living arrangements.
Put your family heads together and help FIL adjust to his new life. Employ a cleaner. Have a roster to visit him every second day. Take him out to social groups once per week. Try hard to connect him with a few groups he is likely to enjoy - like a church that he can walk to, a men's group, a card group etc. (You know his interersts.) Utilise meals on wheels, frozen meals, visiting personal carers etc. Find out what is available.
After six months you will tell if he has found a new way of living - with social interaction and healthy food.

If he still would like to move to a nursing home, all help him seek out a suitable one that he can afford. Some homes will allow him to try out in respite care for a week - without selling his house.. He will likely then have to wait on a list for a position to become available. During that time you can help him sort out how to advertise the house, or rent it, or take out a loan against it etc. There are specialist accountants who help older people sort out how to afford their nursing home.

Because the money will run out in 18 months. And given the op description of her FIL, he will be alive and unable to make the payment and therefore homeless. The 100k will not cover much at all.

I’d agree that perhaps sheltered accommodation is the way to go. I know my local council one has a common room with tea and cake every two hours. They run a hot meals service breakfast and lunch and a sandwiches / cake dinner. I think these places are underrated. They are fab for getting cleaners / carers/ podiatrist / physio/ travelling hairdresser in as it’s really cost effective due to no travel time.

A relative lives in sheltered accommodation and rent is under £300, a meal package costs just over £100 a week. she has a weekly cleaner who does all the laundry and changes beds. A carer helps her shower every other day. Obviously bills and ct on top but it’d be less than £1500 a month all in

You said that he owns a flat - I'm assuming that it's not in a retirement community, it's an ordinary flat for any age?

My Dad moved into a retirement flat after my SM died and he loves it. It's in a great location, right in the town and they have various activities that he can join in. He has someone who helps him with cleaning/light housekeeping.

It sounds as if your FIL has support from your SIL but perhaps the social side is what he needs. My Dad has also never lived in on his own (he rented in his 20's but had a landlady who provided meals) so he moans a bit about doing chores, but he's able to do them, just doesn't want to! It's their generation, I think.

Why can't he pay to live in a retirement community? He obviously doesn't need a nursing home. But wants a certain amount of support and to be near others in his age group, with activities and things to do to ease his loneliness.

He can live in a place where he can come and go as he pleases but has the care and support he needs as backup. As well as the social side.

There's lots of levels of places for elderly living. From virtually fully independent to bedbound 24/7.

His cognition and health will sadly only get worse, so why not have provision in place. If he's there then when he needs more support it will be much easier.

Rather than waiting until it's getting unpleasant and upsetting for him to live alone.

His wife is about to die!

You can't have a serious conversation about this right now. You can say you will explore all the options for him and nothing is off the table.

My nan lived in sheltered accomodation - own flat in a block of them. Bingo and sherry at 11am every morning, canteen for food. She loved it, it was a new lease of life for her.

Maybe you can find something similar - but really just make comforting noises for now!

I'm so sorry for you all xxx

If he has a spare room you could get a kind of au pair for him, to live in and provide some housekeeping and company, much more affordable than a full time live in carer.

Sheltered housing would be great if there is access in his area, i think some councils fund to free up housing stock.

Because unless his house is a multi million pounds house his money is still going to run out long before he died, since he's currently largely fit and healthy. So unless he's planning to top himself in a year or two, he's going to end up homeless in a b&b waiting for a council flat and with the way social housing is, he probably will die of natural causes before that happens. He's also going to be disappointed in the level of service in a care home. They'll not be driving him places or bringing him tea and cake when he rings a bell - they're not servants. They're carers and they're busy.

I think you have your figures wrong. There's people on benefits without any other income and less than £6k savings (if any) who have to pay a proportion towards their social care. Although I guess it could be different rules for OAPs or maybe different UK countries.

If you have less than £23k social care will take over the costs, but they financially assess everyone and people in a care home have to contribute to the costs. Normally councils will take all income towards the cost of care/living and leave £30 a week for people to live on. So if someone has pensions etc, they will use that to pay towards the cost of care. Then on top of that, any care home that costs more than the council will pay will require a third party top up from family, or they’d need to move to a cheaper home. So even if the LA would take over the costs, if he ended up with eligible needs, it’s unlikely that FIL will like the terms of having to pay every penny of his flat, and income to the cost of it.

With his consent, speak to his GP to see if you have social prescribers in your area. They can help source groups, lunch clubs, befrienders etc to try and reduce loneliness.